I just filled a trashbag to take to work. While I was filling it I noticed a piece of paper on the hallway stand - proposed new bylaws for our housing association. Pretty sure that big bylaw about keeping the outside in good condition and no junk cars etc. and they will be removed at the owners cost is new and is because of us. On the one hand, how humiliating. On the other - thank God and I wish you had done it 20 years ago! I’m powerless - maybe this will finally make him do something with the truck/camper (not used or useable in 27 years), 2 old boats (was going to work on but never did and have never been used) your moms old Cadillac our 31 year old son wrecked when he was 17, daughters old car, various old lawnmowers, appliances, that motorbike in pieces that came from who knows where (we’ve never owned a motorbike and when my son in law commented on it I had no idea what he was talking about - I just shut my eyes to it so I don’t go mad).
I have often regretted not buying the house in the subdivision with the crazy strict rules. They were a bit over the top and we had moved frequently before we moved here so I had no idea that this hoarding was even going to be an issue! Off to work with my black bag of stuff from the closet. Hallway one is about empty! (One thing I am having to watch is the weight of the bags they get heavy pretty quick!)
Fall is the best time to get rid of winter coats. I have 2 of my own that have been replaced this year and D has a few left that she hasn’t worn in years. I put a note on my October calendar to donate then.
Found out the church is having the rummage sale again this year so I’m starting to collect stuff for that. So far I have 3 pair of shoes, a sweater and a top. I’ll have a lot more stuff ready to go by the end of April!
Sorry about my little rant - probably belonged in the say it here to get it off your chest thread - anonymous rant is better than divorce
My last comment about watching the weight of the bag proved true - I had a job lobbing that bag into the office dumpster. It is a lot taller than the trash bin and the bag was too heavy. Just managed it but lesson learned.
i feel more happy than is logical that that one extra bag is gone!
@swimcatsmom: This doesn’t sound like a situation that is going to improve on its own. Have you tried to get your DH into therapy? If your HOA issued those new bylaws specifically because of your house, how are you going to deal with cleaning up all those abandoned machines outside?
As I read your post, I became almost certain we are married to the same man, except mine won’t go anywhere so there’s no chance he would ever have lived in London.
My H is a semi hoarder and it is making me crazy. He says the thought of leaving our home makes him suicidal and I say the thought of growing old here makes ME suicidal. So, while we are at an impasse, I am trying to get rid of some things.
H took in a huge bag of fabric stuff from a friend who moved away. Aside from the fact that I don’t sew or do anything craftsy, I can’t stand the person who gave him the stuff. I called a crafty friend and offered the material to her. It is very high quality and this friend has a large network of social service agencies that she can give stuff to. So, a 50 gallon trash bag is gone - YAY! When my friend came, H tried to talk her out of taking it. She didn’t budge.
The last dog died and I am going to donate all of the leftover cans of food and wee wee pads to the local shelter, along with the old towels and blankets that I was put aside to use with the dog (natural death at age 17).
I tried to give away some coats and H put them back. He works from home so I can’t even put too much garbage out. I envy you the dumpster at work. I commute into Manhattan on the LIRR, so that’s a no go…
Anyway, wanted to let you know you are not alone. I am now about to tackle the bathroom cabinet where I can combine the 4 bottles of rubbing alcohol into one or two and the like…
The bylaw says they will have them removed at our cost. Actually fine with me - I will willingly pay for it. That was my plan for the future if he predeceases me (he is 11 years older so it is likely).
What adds to the problem now is, even if he agrees to get rid of stuff, he is physically unable. He is almost 76 but in very poor health after a serious bout with cancer, a blood clot in disorder, and has now developed severe back issues and can only walk very short distances. I am overwhelmed when I look at it all - I know I am not physically strong enough to deal with some if it though the stuff in the house I can whittle away at.
I don’t think he’d agree to therapy. He hasn’t said anything about the stuff I’ve been throwing away other than asking where a nasty hairbrush that had been in the spare bathroom was - apparently he was using it. Told him it was nasty and I threw it away. He didn’t complain so that is progress.
His Mom was the same. Husband’s dad actually bought a moving van and parked it in their back yard to get stuff out of the house she wouldn’t part with. When his sister moved in with them to help after health problems my husband would come home from visiting and I would find bags if stuff in the garage (old clothes and junk). I finally asked his sister to stop giving him stuff. She was really surprised - the only way she could get it out of the house was to tell Mom he wanted it but he was supposed to take it and throw it away. She had no idea it was ending up at MY house! She stopped doing it (thank goodness they lived 6 hours away)
I also have an unusable 26 foot boat in my back yard (and a smaller one in MIL’s back yard). We finally got rid of the old RV last year but H hid the cash he got from it…
Funny, H was able to help start to clear out MIL’s house but then he kept finding old stuff of his. I said we have been together for 30 years and you have NEVER needed this before, why now? But no, this extra junk is now at my house.
@swimcatsmom and @techmom99, just want to say I get it and am sorry you have this challenge. My mom and step dad did eventually divorce (well after I had left the house) but my siblings and I were the ones to clean out his place after he passed and, well, it was staggering. He had bags of empty toothpaste tubes. Clearly, he had never thrown one away. So, if he kept those, you can probably imagine what else he kept and how the rest of the place looked.
@swimcatsmom, sounds like a blessing in disguise (or not) that the bylaws have been changed.
Good luck to you both.
I know my situation is a bit different in that I’m cleaning out my house for a remodel but I refuse to pack up and store things we don’t want or won’t use. I think I’m going to tackle the guest room closet today.
To the spouses of hoarders, I understand and share your distress. My ex is a messy semi-hoarder; he lives with his parents, and his dad is a tidy semi-hoarder. Their contrasting hoarding styles cause clashes. Meanwhile, I got the house in the divorce, and I have to deal with stuff left here by my ex and by my daughters (one tidy, one messy). It is very frustrating.
@swimcatsmom, I frequently hear promos on NPR about donating old vehicles (they evidently don’t even have to run) to your local NPR station. Could you do that as a first step to “downsizing” the transportation graveyard at your house?
I’m glad you can manage your frustration by chipping away at the situation bag by bag.
Thanks everyone. I spend a lot of time just shutting my eyes to it then every now and then they open and I get really stressed. I was actually talking to my boss’s wife who helps in tax season (she had just cleared a relatives trailer yesterday and was telling me so I started telling her, poor woman). She knows where and how to rent big dumpsters and is going to clue me in and even said she will come help and not to be embarrassed because there is nothing she has not seen. She is an insurance agent in her real job and knows all sorts - So maybe after tax season I can really get serious about it. I’m going to keep trying to do a little every while I am waiting though.
@swimcatsmom At the very least, I hope you can carve out one room in your house and make it an uncluttered spot where you can relax and clear your head free from the hoarding.
Several years ago, I heard of a program where you could donate books to be sent over to the military. Perhaps your H would be okay with donating if he knew that the books were going to a good cause?
@swimcatsmom: If he is in such poor health and with back issues, there may be places in the house you can clean up that he’ll never know about, like the basement, the attic and the garage. Doing that may help you feel better.
For all of us with husbands who aren’t as – oh, let’s say attuned to decluttering as we are – whether it’s swimcatsmom or @techmom99, or @thumper1 – we can make small changes, some of which only we will know about. It’s sabotage, but it keeps us sane!
My husband has read one book in the 38 years we have been together. Don’t think they’d want the cupboard full of accounting books from his college days 54 years ago :-/ (currently in garage).
And yes, my boss’s wife is a sweetheart. One if the most kind hearted people I’ve ever met. Will do anything for anyone.
Around here one can get a lot of $ for old cars and stuff. Even if they don’t run, scrapyard use them for parts and/or metal.
Last year we had to get rid of D’s car - at college - and sold it to https://www.peddle.com/ - did much better than I’d have thought, for a car on its last legs.
