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I don’t blame you for feeling bothered, OP. I wouldn’t like knowing my child was lying to me/withholding the truth, an
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I don’t agree with this.
Adults aren’t “owed” the truth about info that is none of their business in regards to other adults. How is the mom “owed” this info? The DD is an adult.
If your spouse had a “lover” visit them, then that’s a different story because you’re “owed” the truth. But an adult child? no, you’re not owed that info.
I didn’t say anyone was “owed” anything. I said It would bother me if my kid lied to me or felt like they couldn’t be honest with me. YMMV.
I’m with mom2 on this. It’s nice to have an open relationship with one’s child and hear about relationships from them, but I don’t see how it’s an automatic expectation. She might not be “sneaking around” but trying to establish autonomy. even if we don’t think that’s the way to go about adulthood, I see it as her choice.
I also want to comment on Zoos’s comment that if she’s keeping it quiet, that should be a sign to her that there’s something wrong with the situation.
I’m not saying it’s true in the OP’s family, and certainly not in Zoos’s, but there are a lot of young adults who choose for good reason not to tell things in their lives to their parents. In many cases, it doesn’t reflect at all on whether the situation is wrong, but rather on the expected judgment(alism) of the parents. In those cases, keeping something quiet might be a kind of self-preservation.
Again–I’m not implying this is true in this case, just to counter the idea that this admonition is always true.
You never know what might happen in the future.
http://www.amazon.com/Boyfriends-Back-Rediscovering-Long-Lost-Sweethearts/dp/1593160488
D2 is a senior in college, so a bit older than OP’s daughter. It is the first time she has a long distance relationship. Her BF is going to a a school 3-4 hours away, but he has a car and such. D2 has the LSAT early Oct and I am paying a lot of money for tutoring. Before she left for school, I made a deal with her. I asked her not to have her BF visit her the month of Sep so she could focus on her test prep, in exchange she could go visit him for her long midterm break instead of coming home. I don’t like to go too long not seeing her, so I will go see her the weekend of her exam (after the exam). She thought it was a reasonable schedule. She also told me weekends they would be seeing each other. I am fine with it as long as she is paying for transportation and she is maintaining her grades. I did remind her that it’s her last year at school and she should spend time with her friends.
I like to know what’s going on with my kids instead of having them hide things from me because they think I may disapprove. If I were OP I would have a discussion with the daughter to work out a reasonable visiting schedule, so the daughter would tell her when the BF is there. I think the main concern is if the daughter is taking the full advantage of her college experience and able to keep up her grades with the BF visiting. It is all about balance.
Re #22: On exactly this topic, my 20-yr daughter recently said something to me that had so much truth in it that it almost took my breath away. When I expressed concern that she didn’t want to answer my questions about the guy she’s been seeing this summer (whom I know and know is a good person but who I think may be too old for her), she said:
“Mom, I’ve been working very hard at controlling my anxiety and I’ve finally gotten those anxious voices in my head to quiet down. I am very happy right now. Your suspicious, anxiety-driven questions are threatening to revive those repetitive anxious thoughts in my own head. I don’t mean to hurt your feelings, but that’s why I don’t want to subject myself to your questions about this relationship. I am happy and calm and I want to stay this way. Please respect my privacy.”
When I asked how I was supposed to assess the situation if I didn’t have the relevant information, she wisely said: “It’s not your job to assess this situation, mom.”
I was stunned by this because it was so true. Upon reflection, I could see how my questions driven by my own anxiety would provoke anxiety in her. (“What are his intentions?” “Why is he interested in s younger girl?” “Are you planning to see other people when you go back to school?” “Is this a long term thing?” “Have you talked about this?” Etc etc etc).
I would think about bringing up the visits in light of not being an imposition on her roommate. Have a politeness and courtesy talk and encourage her to set ground rules for visitors with her roommate. If he is visiting frequently and staying over that can easily become a point of friction where she would be at fault. Approach it as a manners thing and it will be apparent that you know that he likely stays. A lot of roommate drama starts with a boyfriend or girlfriend who is persistently staying over.
Yes, it bothers a lot of us.
But we lied to our parents, too. And our parents lied to their parents. And their parents lied to their parents…
I was one of the most straightlaced, conservative kids imaginable. If there had been a high school yearbook category “Most likely to die a virgin,” I would have been selected unanimously.
But I met a guy during the summer before college – a guy two years older than me who went to a different college than the one I would be attending. And one thing led to another. Among other things, he visited me at college one weekend when my roommate was away from campus doing some sneaking around of her own, and my parents never knew. And one weekend when his parents were out of town, we both went home for the weekend – to his parents’ house. Neither set of parents ever knew.
It’s what young people do. Even nerdy ones.
We got married two days after I graduated. We’ve been married for 39 years.
It is not normal to go around telling people when and with whom you have sex. That’s private, and no business of a parent. Not mentioning it is not lying and not sneaking.
I don’t get the impression from OP’s post that she is concerned about her D’s sex life. She seems concerned that the BF is not a good match and that the relationship may negatively impact her D’s grades or college experience. I would have those concerns too.
OP, your D likely failed to mention the BF’s visit because she knows you don’t approve of him. If she knows that you respect that it’s her decision and you won’t judge or give unsolicited advice, she may feel more comfortable talking to you about the relationship. I know that’s easier said than done (at least for me). I’m working on holding my tongue and letting things run their course with my D in a similar situation. Feel free to PM me if you need to vent:).
@nottelling - great post.
Thinking there is a lie here is blowing my mind. That’s wrong headed.
@nottelling congratulations on being able to really hear your daughter. I never told my mother anything not because I was doing something wrong but the anxiety driven questions were hard for me to handle. It continues to this day. I am even more impressed your daughter was able to convey the message in a loving but firm way.
I just don’t expect my kids to tell me everything. Honestly, I don’t want to know everything. What I do want them to know is that I will always be here when they need me with compassion and without judgement.
I’m 60. There are still things I don’t tell my mother because I don’t want to have to deal with her anxiety. I only tell her really fun stuff. So I try not to be that way with my kids. I will deal rationally and calmly and not ask intrusive questions with whatever they share.
“But we lied to our parents, too. And our parents lied to their parents. And their parents lied to their parents…”
This is a really legit statement for probably most of us. Not necessarily big lies.
H and I dated all through college - he went to a college an hour away from mine - mine was 3 hours from home. He was a few years older and had a car. He came to my school or I went to his school on weekends OFTEN. I don’t know that I really shared this with my parents. And with no cell phones, email , etc. besides that once a week collect call or pay phone call, we didn’t have contact. So it was sort of “no big deal” for them not to know. Or maybe they did know - but we didn’t talk about it. I honestly probably would have preferred to have them know and to not worry about it - we truly did keep things pretty innocent during that time - but they didn’t ask, I didn’t tell - kind of a respected silence.
H and I both worked hard at school during the week and had fun with other friends on weekend when we weren’t at each other’s schools. It worked out well for 4 years at school and now here we are 30+ years later!
I don’t think that’s what’s really bothering you; I think what’s really bothering you is that the boy isn’t in college and you don’t think he’s good enough for your daughter.
Let’s go with the assumption that no kid will EVER be good enough for our daughters, and let’s be cool about it.
You have to trust that your kid is going to evolve in a way that’s best for her, and whether that involves the boy or not will be a lot smoother if you’re not giving her crap about it.
It also makes it easier for her to talk to you about issues she might eventually have with him if she knows you won’t jump down her throat saying “I told you so, that boy’s no good!” Yeah, that never makes kids want to talk to you.
Normal people don’t share their sex life. If a couple wants to leave a party early because they want to go home for romance, they “lie” and say something like, “Joe has to get up early for a meeting,” or something like that.
The party people aren’t owed the truth. If they somehow find out later that Joe and Mary were “getting busy” at home that night, how dare they later act all huffy that Joe and Mary “lied” or “withheld”…it’s none of their business.
OP, it would bother me just as it bothers you. But I think I would try to stay out of it. They haven’t known each other very long, and long-distance relationships are hard to keep up as it is. This one may not last long.
If it were my freshman daughter, I’d probably just ask her to let me know when she leaves campus to spend time with him. If it is anything more than a day trip, I think that is a reasonable request.
That’s a hard request to make because DD may not honor it. Instead, I would ask her to let her roommate or best friend know…and tell her where she’s going…just in case something goes wrong they know where to look for her.