My own advice on this would be to stay out of it, so maybe typing it out is really just therapy rather than hoping for a solution, but…Ugh, it started already. My daughter started dating someone about a month before she left for her freshmen year. He is a year older and working rather than going to school - it just wasn’t his thing. He visited labor day weekend - I’m not terribly surprised as he has other friends at the school, but who are we kidding here?? We talked to her that weekend and she never mentioned that he had been there.
We visited last weekend and her room mate mentioned that he had been in town. Just during normal conversation…not us asking. We didn’t make a big deal about to avoid bad feelings. Of course daughter said after he was only there for the day. Right, it’s a 3 hour drive.
This is my second child through school so I get that she will have her own life, which will include some good and bad decisions. I’m bothered that right out of the gate she’s lying, or withholding or whatever you want to call it. Every part of my being is screaming for me to let it go, but it’s bothering me. And, she and I have always had a good relationship and been able to talk about things, but I’m trying to tread lightly.
I had a conversation with my older kids when they started college about decisions in college.
I told them that they are adults now and have to make their own decisions about how they live their day to day lives. I may not like it if they eat crap or drink too much or hook up, but that as an adult, as a general rule, if you have to hide or lie about your decisions, they are probably not good ones, and they will know they are mature when they can tell me things that they know will displease me, but are still comfortable with their choices.
That has happened in both cases, but when they really can tell me that they did X or didn’t do Y in a completely comfortable manner, I have found myself being completely respectful of the choice. That feels really good for each of us.
Yes, stay out of it, but I do think it’s okay to express an opinion and then drop it. My daughter kept her boyfriend freshman year. I was worried it would hold her back. To my view it was her security blanket. They went back and forth dating not dating all year and they finally broke up for good this summer, before her sophomore year.
Stay out. Would you expect her to “be honest” when she knows that you’re going to react THIS way? Would you expect her to say, “oh yes, he spent the weekend here, and stayed in my dorm”? No, not when she knows that you’d react.
You know you should stay out of it, so trust your gut instinct. That being said, there’s nothing wrong with stating an opinion or casually starting a conversation about relationships in general - for example, their impact on the college experience and the pluses/minuses of the long-distance thing. If you and your D have a good relation ship, like you said, you can weather this just fine.
What’s your major concern here? Do you think this specific boyfriend is not a good match? Is it the downside of the boyfriend-back-home situation and how that affects her college experience? Or is it the sexual relationship part?
My daughter had a long distance boyfriend in high school, and even though he desperately wanted her to go to a college near him, that wasn’t going to happen. She is attending a school 1500 miles and two time zones closer, but it is still 1000 miles and 1 time zone away. I made it very clear that I would not pay for college if she continued to talk to him for 2+ hours a day, usually when it was convenient for him and in the middle of the night for her. I would not pay for college if she did nothing but plan the next trip to see him or have him come see her (their MO for 2 years) that all holidays were not going to be spent with him. She finally broke up with him just after her h.s. graduation, spent the summer telling him she really meant it, and it was finally over.
It was very hard for me to not demand she break up with him but she knew I was serious on the condition that she not spend every waking hour on the phone with him when I was paying for college, for her to study. She had become sneaky when in high school about her activities (talking all night, who paid for trips) and she was not very good at it, so she knew I’d know, and she knew I was serious about stopping the money for tuition, cell phones, ipads, etc.
She now has a boyfriend from her college town but who isn’t in school. He just moved about 2.5 hours away (to his home) and is planning to move to a town about 1 hour away. He’s nice, but not in school so doesn’t do the things she does or should be doing - football games, dance recitals, plays. She lives in a sorority house so he can’t just come down for the weekend. She’s also planning to leave school next semester for an internship, and time will tell if she’ll just break up with him or he’ll wait and pine for her. I’m betting on the waiting and pining.
Unless I missed it, is anyone not going to ask about birth control/STD precautions?!
THAT’S the conversation I would have. Please advocate for it! Take her, pay for it, whatever! Get her signed up!
No lecturing needed. But address the elephant in the room by just saying, “sounds like you and dude are enjoying spending time together - no one knows what the future holds, but I’d like to see you consider getting on a reliable birth control method. This is what our insurance covers. This is where you can get it at home or at school. Do you need a ride? I can drop you off. It costs this much a month. If you decide to get it and are concerned about paying for it, let me know and I’ll help out”.
I would stay out of it unless… It starts to look like what happened with one of my college roommates freshman year. Her BF didn’t go to college was 3 hours away and came and visited every weekend. It was like having a 5th roommate. Anyway as I look back at it I think it was a way for him to control her. She ended up dropping out of college after first semester and moving back home.
Listen if you know it’s going on, why do you have to pretend it isn’t happening?
Not saying you have to get mad or control it - of course not. But, does it have to be all “secretive”? The roommate has already said he’s been up - so, it’s common knowledge! If you acknowledge it it will open the door for your D to (perhaps) talk about it more openly, not harbor secrets, reach out to you if she needs/wants advice, etc.
Just be kind of matter of fact about it. You say you don’t want to create bad feelings. Why do bad feelings have to be created? Sounds like bad feelings ARE being creative - on your side anyway/sort of - by NOT talking about it!
Thanks for all of your responses. To answer some of your questions, she’s been on birth control for years to control acne so there’s that. We’ve also talked about the need for condoms, but I will not buy those for them. I’m not sure that she is sexually active but she probably is, ouch.
As for how I reacted, I didn’t…to her. That took more self-control than I thought I had, but I hung in there. I came here to vent. As for the boy, I think she needs someone who says “hey let’s go to the library” not, I dropped out of school and everything is fine. Don’t worry about studying. Granted, I’m putting words in his mouth, but…you get what I mean.
She’s a smart girl and will do well in life, but she doesn’t always make the best decisions when it comes to boys.
Her high school years were my son’s college years so she sat through enough discussions at the dinner table to know exactly how we feel about things. Honesty is a very big deal to me. As Zoosermom said, if you have to hide or lie about your decisions, they are probably not good ones. Actually, that’s one of the best pieces of advice I’ve heard for young adults, so thank you for that.
My 30 yr old told me just the other day that what he was going to use in parenting that he learned from us and that he appreciated even as a teen is that even if he knew we weren’t thrilled about a decision he was making he knew that he could tell us and “you wouldn’t freak out, but just deal with it”. He said it helped to know we also had his back and he could share with us. Does NOT mean that we let him do whatever he wanted. Just that should he make a bad decision that we were willing to discuss and guide him through it.
Seems to me that what you’re unhappy about is her choice of boyfriend. But that’s her choice. And if she can’t talk to you about it that won’t help the situation. Be a sounding board. Be there to talk to. Do NOT offer unsolicited advice or criticize him. Trust her to eventually figure it out herself. And if she doesn’t, then be there to support her.
But yes. Absolutely make sure she has all the knowledge she has to protect herself from the consequences of sex. Emotional and physical. You don’t have to make it personal. Just make sure she either has the information or can ask you if she needs it.
You might consider telling her that if she doesn’t want you to freak out, she should treat you like an adult and you will do the same. That doesn’t mean always agreeing, but it does mean not sneaking.
My D2 had a boyfriend when she started college. Great guy, but a difficult family situation (not of his making), so I expected a freshman year turkey drop while worrying about the impact the relationship would have on her transition to college.
Fast forward six years, and they are still together. She has her bachelor’s and is in her second year of grad school. He struggled for a while but always worked. He now has a good job with excellent benefits and will finish his bachelor’s in January with a promotion waiting for him. This is a solid career position.
She made many good friends and as they got further along in college, the friends coupled up and daughter and BF were just another couple in the group, albeit long distance couple. I was skeptical, but I give them a lot of credit. It’s been tough for six years getting all that education, jobs, and prioritizing their relationship. I happily expect an engagement next summer and I think they will be in good shape. They have both saved quite a bit of money in hopes of moving in together.
I don’t think you had to show reaction in THIS instance. You’re her mom. She’s likely heard a variety of things over the years and knows that it wouldn’t be a comfortable thing to say, “hey mom, my new boyfriend Bob was here for the long weekend and he slept with me in my dorm.”
on just a side note, as i have a teenage daughter; here’s what i just found out about our (phenomenal) insurance plan: it does not cover teen pregnancy; as the baby would be a grandchild of the insured. I had never ever thought of that.
@tired already, just keep loving her and she’ll open up to you when she’s ready.
The other side of the tale - I was a bit wild in college and grad school. Hung out with a group that basically did whatever we wanted and never got in trouble for it. No drugs but quite a bit of drinking. The mothers of two different girls I dated during that time made it very clear to me that they weren’t happy with me dating their daughter, so I ended things each time. In the last 10 years, both mothers told me they wish they had kept their mouths shut. I turned out ok+ and they can’t stand their less than ok SILs. I just smiled and said nothing. Happily married for 30+ years. I guess I had a wild streak I needed to shed.
I don’t blame you for feeling bothered, OP. I wouldn’t like knowing my child was lying to me/withholding the truth, and I would feel like I would want to say something. I think you should say something because 1) you will feel better having cleared the air, and 2) maybe this is the time to re-establish a new, adult relationship with her.
We had a ground rule with our sons from the time they were in middle school – we want you to hold off having sexual intercourse until after you are in college. We told them that we didn’t expect them to be virgins if they marry at 35, but that we believe 14, 15, 16, 17 is too young to be sexually active. I would bet my last dollar that they didn’t have sex in HS. I also would bet my last dollar that they did have/have had sex in college. We felt like this discussion (prompted by a Scouting merit badge of all things!) let us set a boundary and explain our feelings and expectations but also allowed everyone to save face because we knew that sex as a young adult is normal and healthy and inevitable! That said, ds2 is way too open with me about his life, and I’ve had to say, “Dude, I don’t need to know everything. Everyone should have a zone of privacy, me and you included.”
With that as a backdrop, if I were you and your dd was mine, I’d say something like, “I feel kind of bad that you weren’t up front about Johnny coming to see you Labor Day weekend. I know you know that I’m not 100% thrilled about this relationship (if that’s true) and worry about him impeding your ability to fully embrace college life, but I want to make sure you know that I am 100% in your corner and will always support you.”
Wifey would come right out and bring it up. Maybe you can’t be judgmental but you will always be her Mom and have her back and perhaps a future mother-in-law - so I see no problem talking about it, you can talk about anything else but not that? I think it’s just a matter of degree.
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here’s what i just found out about our (phenomenal) insurance plan: it does not cover teen pregnancy; as the baby would be a grandchild of the insured. I had never ever thought of that.
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Your insurance SHOULD cover the pregnancy and delivery. It will not cover the baby in the nursery or later shots and exams.
