The child that isn't graduating

Parent Cafe
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<p>The University of Alabama also has a recognized program for students with Autism Spectrum Disorders including Aspergers. </p>

<p>10 Impressive Special College Programs for Students With Autism</p>

<p>[10</a> Impressive Special College Programs for Students With Autism - Best Colleges Online](<a href=“http://www.bestcollegesonline.com/blog/2011/05/25/10-impressive-special-college-programs-for-students-with-autism/]10”>http://www.bestcollegesonline.com/blog/2011/05/25/10-impressive-special-college-programs-for-students-with-autism/)</p>

<p>University of Alabama College Transition and Support Program: Through this college program, students will get help improving their study skills and other academics while also learning about what will help them better interact with peers, teachers and others on campus. Founded in 2006, the program works with a few students each year, providing them with support from faculty, clinical psychologists and graduate students. The creators hope it will help students gain the skills they’ll need to not only succeed in college, but live as an independent adult and work in their chosen career field as well.</p>

<p>[UA-ACTS</a> Program - The University of Alabama](<a href=“http://autism-clinic.ua.edu/uaacts/program.html]UA-ACTS”>http://autism-clinic.ua.edu/uaacts/program.html)</p>

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<p>M2CK- I have told a number of parent about that program…I think it is really a forward thinking opportunity!</p>

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<p>this is a big fear of mine. I have a smart kid, but with ADD, and know that he probably has some level of executive functioning issues as well. I am going forward with open eyes, and no sense of security other than to know that I realize there could be problems, and i need to watch closely, but from a distance. And offer help and support as much as possible. And realize that even that may not be enough!</p>

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<p>^^^^
So true, Missypie!</p>

<p>Maybe I can give you another perspective. I was the child that drove my mom to tears. I dropped out after my second year because even I could see that hitchhiking to see friends at other colleges and skipping my own classes was not working out real well. My last semester I had two A’s and a D and 2 F’s. The A’s were in the classes that met on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I actually went to them once in awhile. </p>

<p>I went to work for two years in an office doing fairly high level clerical work - but I was bored out of my mind. I returned to school, graduated with honors, went on to grad school. </p>

<p>Now, some 40 years later, I am the child who takes care of EVERYTHING for my parents. </p>

<p>Some of us just are on a different trajectory. Hang in there. Be firm but loving and convey to your son that your love was never based on his accomplishments, but rather on just him as a person. Trust me, your son needs your love more than you will ever know. That doesn’t mean you have to be a wimp - but as you stand your ground on expectations make sure he knows that your love isn’t contingent upon his grades or his job, etc.</p>

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<p>Oldtimeyfan, I am so sorry for your woes. It really is difficult when our children’s lives do not play out the way we thought they would or wanted them to.</p>

<p>My wife and I have a child who’s chronically ill, and cannot attend school anything remotely like full time. There are a couple of things we have come to say about our situation.</p>

<p>I have said often that very often, all you can do is the best you can to play the cards that are in your hand. Heaven knows, when my child was a baby, I never imagined that this kid would be home “schooled,” nominally going to high school, but really making progress that’s glacially slow. But the situation is what it is. We can’t do better than to make the best life we can–of which education is one part, but only one part–under the circumstances.</p>

<p>My wife has said that the stages of this kid’s illness were, for all of us, like what happens when you deviate from the route that your GPS wants you to follow. At first, the lady in the box tells you, “When possible, make a legal U-turn.” And you think you will; at the first opportunity, you’ll get things turned around, and get your kid back on track. But you persist a while, and the lady in the box starts to sound more frantic: “Return to the highlighted route!” Well meaning friends, grandparents, acquaintances in the grocery store express their well-intended opinion that you’d better do something. And sometimes even tell you exactly how you should do it. But it doesn’t actually help, despite their best intentions. f you press on far enough without returning to the highlighted route, eventually the lady in the box says, in a voice filled with resignation, “Recalculating.” It took a while for us to resign ourselves to recalculating. It’s not at all the route we planned to take, or wanted to take, when we left our point of departure. But you know, even if she has to recalculate, lady in the box will eventually get you to your destination. Somehow. Right now, we’ve recalculated. We haven’t reached our destination. We believe we will, eventually. We choose to believe it. We choose to believe it partly because we really think we will, eventually, and partly because giving up on believing it might actually destroy us.</p>

<p>It’s a powerful little analogy, isn’t it? My wife is a very clever and very profound woman.</p>

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<p>Sikorsky–that’s perfect. (I’ve used the phrase “recalculating” a lot, actually, but I don’t own a GPS, so that’s as far as I could go with it). your wive’s extended metaphor is priceless.</p>

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<p>Recalculating! I’ve already done that! I’ve come to accept the fact that DS may not finish at the Ivy League school (having a kid at an Ivy was fun while it lasted) and I would be happy if he went to school anywhere (state college, community college) as long as he finishes and can get into a career where he can support himself. I’ve had to radically downsize my expectations.<br>
I’ve thought about schools that offer programs or other services for AS kids. The problem is that they are far away (we’re in NJ). The Ivy that DS went to was less than an hour away, for which DH and I were both thankful (his close second choice was Carnegie Mellon) because we were down at the school A LOT when DS was having his problems. Toward the end of the last semester that he was in school, DH would drive home from work (an hour north of us), change clothes, and then drive to Phila. to find DS and sit with him to try to make him do his work. Sometimes this would be 3 nights a week. DS started hiding from DH (I’m chuckling as I write this but this was NOT funny at the time) and a couple of times DH had to enlist the help of the campus police to find DS. I don’t want to go through that again.</p>

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<p>Sikorsky, wonderful analogy!!!</p>

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<p>Oldtimeyfan: I have a close friend whose son is on the one-course-a-semester plan and has been since his sophomore year. More than that, and things fall apart. He lives at home, takes his course-a-semester at a nearby university, and has a part-time job that pays his home expenses and some of his tuition. He should finish up his degree in another year, I think; he started when my kids did (and they finished on schedule five years ago). My friend is not thrilled with his progress but (as she says) it beats having him flunk out. </p>

<p>I wish you luck in finding a life plan for your son that works.</p>

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<p>I know that you did not want suggestions for your son, but if he has not done an ‘out of the box’ program such as wilderness therapy, it might be worth considering. I honestly don’t know how kids with media/screen addiction can possibly get better without a cold turkey start to the process. I speak from experience with a teen with an internet addiction and related severe depression and anxiety… The other approaches you have possibly not taken are the CLE (college living experience) programs. I know several boys with Asperger now in 4 year unis after 2 years in these programs. </p>

<p>Okay, back to the parental issue… A strategy my therapist taught me that really works for these ‘nagging thoughts’ issues… is to acknowledge the thought, and then let it go. Don’t deny the thought or feeling, but also push yourself to not dwell. </p>

<p>I think as modern parents our lives are filled with ‘shoulds’ that we then pass on to our children. I have come to wonder, who gets to decide those ‘shoulds’ and what battles are really worth fighting. My first cousin’s child started and Ivy after a brilliant HS career (including a magazine cover about the education of highly gifted kids. But, without her mother there to help her compensate, the fell apart. Not once ,but 3 times- each time she was readmitted after medical leave. She is now finishing her degree at a college she can commute to… and is re-engaged in her learning. Hopefully, at some point she will have a ‘just right job’ and a ‘just right partner’ and can have a complete life. But, for now, giving up on the ‘should’ has brought her contentment and success.</p>

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<p>If you are in New Jersey Rutgers has a program for kids on the spectrum. I was impressed with the person I spoke to there and their follow up. Connecticut also has a program which sounds good.</p>

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<p>When Son was in HS and starting college, I would cope by imagining the worst thing that could happen and coming to terms with it. As in, he flunks out and comes home. Okay, fine, no one is dead or in prison.</p>

<p>But the “worst thing that can happen” for some of the folks with Executive Function issues is really really bad. My sister has severe undiagnosed, untreated ADD and EFD. Once it was diagnosed in my son, I realized that my poor sister had been dealing with it her entire life, while being called lazy, disorganized, and worse. She did get her bachelors degree at 46 and her masters at 56. But she is unemployed and sucking my parents’ savings dry. She is in poor health because she hasn’t been covered by health insurance since she left home at 18. </p>

<p>The idea of my child never being able to support himself, being impoverished and sick because of it, having his siblings dread his calls because they’re always bad news or asking for money…that is just a horrible outcome but is unfortunately realistic for lots of adults with disabilities. </p>

<p>As much as many of us hate to think of the empty nest, it is really difficult to keep parenting a child into his 20s. But it’s worth a valiant effort if it leads to an adult who can eventually support himself.</p>

<p>Sorry to be such a downer, but the stakes become so high when the problems are adult problems. Kids with ADD and EFD have a lot of federally mandated support but there is so little out there for bright adults with “issues.” Sometimes I feel like a fool for always thinking up the next plan - we went from Plan A to about Plan K within about 18 months out of HS…I don’t know if we’re to Plan Z yet, but unless there is enough wealth to support the child is entire life, parents have to keep trying to think of a plan that will lead to independence.</p>

<p>I don’t know about your son, but mine is behind, maturity-wise. I felt like I was sending a 3rd grader to middle school, a 5th grader to HS and an 8th grader to college. So he realistically may not be ready to handle a 4 year institution until he’s in his mid-20s. The thought keeps me going at least.</p>

<p>But it’s like the kids who aren’t ready to read until they are 8 or 9. How do you keep their self esteem up until their brain is ready?</p>

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<p>This isn’t Seasonal Affective Disorder. This is: Graduation Season Dysphoria secondary to Aspergers syndrome and Internet addiction!! Totally understandable. So sorry, OP. But agreed, you have a right to, no, you NEED to grieve.</p>

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<p>I share your frustration. Our daughter can’t graduate this summer. She just indulges herself in endless texting ,day and night, or something similar “social media”. She skipped the senior project for no reason at all , even though the project finishing will allows her to complete the degree requirement. We paid almost all her education expenses in 4 years , now she asked 5th year but without any her commitment. Should we or shouldn’t we?</p>

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<p>Since S_Ca has asked, here is my suggestion:
I lean toward not continuing to fund education of those who squander it. But, I do see a compromise or two available. One might be a conditional promise to reimburse her the tuition cost of 1 more year, so she has “skin in the game”. Let her pay up-front. If she wants it, she can find a way to pay. If she does not pass and graduate you do not reimburse.
Or offer to pay a semester at a time with the condition she show all her grades and maintain a C or better in every class. In that example make it clear if she fails her end of the bargain, then your paying stops.</p>

<p>But when you add “without any her committment”, then I say No.</p>

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<p>Thanks young!
I think you offer good advice. Regarding second compromise, there is technical difficulty that the deadline for the fee payment always is a few of weeks before the grade report, so we will not be able to pay basing on her grades; we can not backtrack our payment even we find out the grades are bad later.</p>

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<p>OP, I am SO there with you. We have the added complication of S2 graduating soon from HS and attending the same U that S1 is struggling to finish at. They’ve started talking about taking classes together, which is partly funny and partly sad. So I’m trying to be supportive and enthused about S2 without rubbing S1’s face in his troubles. Graduation Sunday is this week and the church will fuss over S2 and people will wonder about S1 and why he still hasn’t graduated from college. I imagine. Really, people probably don’t care. </p>

<p>People say some of the dumbest things, but I agree that it is useful to have a standard statement . We opt for “he’s working p/t and is a world campus student now, so there’s no real deadline for graduation” only if someone asks directly. And leave it at that. I want to model for S1 that he does not need to be ashamed because his path is different than other people’s. It is what it is. His value transcends a timeline, I tell myself, but I still sometimes lie awake and wonder if I did something wrong, if I “did” this to him via bad parenting. </p>

<p>I took S2 to his orientation/scheduling session on campus, and killed some time in the bookstore. Found myself in the graduation stuff section (diploma frames, cards, etc.) and just burst into tears. I was too sad to even be mortified. People scattered like I had plague!!</p>

<p>We will grieve a lot. I think that’s normal; I know it is for me. And people will helpfully give you anecdotes about how their “struggling” student has a 3.8 at Big Shot U, or how medication helped, or how therapy helped, and honestly, I just want to smack them. Like their experience is transferable, lol. ((hug)) to you , and let’s salute our students who hang in there, who don’t stay down, who appreciate every small success.</p>

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<p>I had to learn to let it go… Agree with the “he is taking some time off” approach. We had to use it for 2 of ours. One just graduated this spring at age 29. The other is finally supporting himself well at age 26 and talking about taking an on line degree. We’ll see. I no longer own the issue. It is theirs. Btw both have EFD. It just took a while for the first one to also grow out of the video games and apply the skills he knew he had been taught in HS to compensate for it. It’s hard but we have to learn to let it go.</p>

<p>He does need a job. Actually any job. The second one started as a waiter, did some retail, and is supporting himself as a bartender now. He lived with us on and off when he did not make enough to support himself. He even spent one tough year unemployed when he left one job before he had the next. Learned a lot that year about applying for jobs.</p>

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<p>HUGS to you (where is the old time poster who used to give them a lot…). </p>

<p>Our son only applied to elite math grad schools his 4th year and didn’t get into any of them. I talked to him about two weeks before his planned college graduation and he asked who we had invited to graduation. I said only the grandparents and he told me he had cancelled graduation, losing his not terrible cap and gown payment. He could finish the second major at reasonable public U tuition the next year and reapply to different grad schools. He was young- ended up doing 5 years of college instead of elementary school (where he skipped a grade) and was still only 21 for college graduation. Got a well paying job instead of grad school for now, but giving hints about his future. </p>

<p>I know our situation is different academically than yours, but even gifted kids can take longer than the standard 4 years (son had a ton of credits, including some grad level ones). You get over it and realize things eventually work themselves out. You would be surprised at the variation in finishing college- as you can see from the many examples here. Learn to live positively with it. React matter of factly to questions about his graduation and that will take away the negative emotions for you. It is out of your hands, there is nothing you can do or say to change things. Part of the “letting go” as mentioned.</p>

<p>You don’t need to be ashamed/embarrassed etc. Many different reaons to take longer for the bachelors degree. You don’t need to divulge the gory details to anyone. A simple next year response works. Be thankful he is on the degree path so far- not dropping out.</p>

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<p>Let me give you some perspective as a AS student.</p>

<p>It is hard, moreso if you find something more interesting than classes (aka internet).</p>

<p>I went through the same thing, however, I would set goals for myself before I did so (do this much hw first then i can do so and so).</p>

<p>I found it rather hard to go to classes sometimes (i’d have days when i didn’t wanna be around anyone).</p>

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<p>Maybe it’s indeed depression, which is very treatable. I’m so much more motivated on medication. And I don’t know whether it’s the wellbutrin or the risperdal, but distractions are a lot less addicting. Gaming after the first hour quickly loses its appeal and is no longer addicting.</p>

<p>I had to miss graduation this year, and all my close friends graduated without me. I feel so left behind, it makes me think of suicide sometimes (but I would be a much worse wreck without medication).</p>