<p>It’s May 2012. This is the year that DS should be graduating from college. All of his friends from school are graduating, and I am surrounded in my office by colleagues whose kids have “grown up” with mine and who are graduating and celebrating. DS, who has Asperger’s Syndrome, started out at an Ivy League school’s engineering program as a promising student. He became “addicted” to the Internet, fell behind on his work, stopped attending class, and then skipped midterms. He did this during the second semester two years in a row, and the school and we, his parents, agreed that he needed to take a year off as a medical leave, after having taken mini medical leaves half way through the second semester of each year. He’s been on medication for three years, in therapy for two, and shows no motivation to resume school work on the level he would need to if he went back to school. He’d like to go back to school, because it will mean being out of the house and having a social life. He’s been doing on-line courses (sporadically) and volunteering at a couple of things after not being able to find a job. He is very content to sit in his room and be on the computer.
I can’t seem to stop crying, and it’s very hard to get any work done at my full-time job. Please don’t offer any advice for the son - we’ve heard and tried it all. But his parents sure could use some coping advice. Thx.</p>
<p>Oldtimeyfan - I am so sorry to read your post. No advice here other than to seek out a support group for parents of children (preferably, young adult children) with Aspergers. Can you take a little time off from work?</p>
<p>It must be a very hard situation.</p>
<p>Wow, it sounds kind of like Seasonal Affective Disorder. Agree with mn that you probably need to be in therapy yourself.</p>
<p>This is why I never go over the top with bragging about my kids. One never knows what other people are going through.</p>
<p>That being said, You son obviously has enough skills to function in the big world, and he is choosing, asbergers or not, to do nothing. He is using his diagnosis as an excuse. He got through high school, managed to get into an amazing college, and now he is sitting around on his behind all day doing nothing.</p>
<p>I wonder about the diagonosis. Anyway, he can still contribute more, he can make volunteering s full-time job while he looks for work</p>
<p>There are people with much worse issues who are in the world. I woud take away the internet and the games. If he is going to play, then he needs to get out of the house at least.</p>
<p>Agree with SHRock.
Tough for a parent to cope, knowing the kid is old enough and smart enough and capable enough to be an adult. Yet this kid lives(basically) the life of a child in parents’ home.
My only suggestion is for parents to remember(as seahorse touched on) that this kid is very capable; don’t let use or misuse of the Syndrome label hinder this kid’s becoming a self-supporting adult.
Plenty of kids horse around and fall behind in college, some graduate some don’t. Many kids are at home and not motivated to become a self-supporting adult. Sometimes they need to be motivated.</p>
<p>You asked for coping advise for yourself. I empathize with you as I am too enmeshed with my children, and when they are in a bad place I suffer worse than they do. </p>
<p>Someone has said, “A mother is no happier than her least happy child.” I might even quality as “less happy than my least happy child.” It has always infuriated me the way that parents who have easy, naturally successful children (not because the parents were that great) take credit for their children’s success. </p>
<p>Can you get counseling for yourself to ease your pain and isolation so that you can be reasonably happy if your child isn’t “successful”?</p>
<p>Hugs.</p>
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<p>In a year I wil be exactly where you are now. (Just heard that Son’s summer school class didn’t make, so I don’t even think we’ll be going to *community college *graduation next spring.) I pretty much feel that I could burst into tears any where, any time.</p>
<p>If, however, it is really true that “all of his friends” are graduating and that your colleagues’ kids have sailed through in 4 years, then you run with an exceptional crowd. </p>
<p>This statistic was published in our paper a few years ago: Of the Caucasian males who start college in our state, only 45% will have a bachelors degree in 6 years. Did you get that? 55% of them won’t even have a degree after 6 years, much less 4. (And those were the college bound kids!)</p>
<p>It’s great fun to talk about an Ivy admission, but not fun to talk about your kid coming home - for whatever reason. But trust me, many others are in the same boat.</p>
<p>I’ve posted this before, so forgive me if you’ve read it before.
Honest to goodness conversation:</p>
<p>Me: So how did things go for your son at OOS U?
Her: Just great! How did things go for your son?
Me: Not too well. He will be going to community college next year.
Her: My son, too. He got mostly Ds and will be going to cc next year.</p>
<p>The social life is an issue. At some level, I think the kids feel shame that they’re at home. On our block alone, there are three of them who knew each other pretty well in HS who are home, not attending a 4 year school, but they don’t socialize with each other.</p>
<p>If you graduate from college at 22 and retire when you’re 67, you will have been out there for 45 years. If you graduate at 27, you’ll only get the privilege of spending 40 years in that cubicle. It’s a cliche, but life is not a race.</p>
<p>I would recommend that you do what you can to help him find a job. Do you have any contacts anywhere who would hire him? (We’ve been shopping at the same grocery store for 20 years, and we got them to hire our son.)</p>
<p>oldtimeyfan, I know you specifically requested no advice for your son, but I am going to ask a question about him anyway. Have you all looked into any supported living environments/programs for him? There are some for both psychiatric as well as physical needs people. I know that they are more available and successful for some than others. I thought it may be a way for him to be more on his own with support and direction than he is now, and a respite for you as well. </p>
<p>For you, I can only offer support, and full understanding of your saddness.</p>
<p>
That’s harsh Shr. Asperger’s aside, the kid has signs of depression problems. If there are underlying physical issues, the problems are going to persist until he either outgrows them or they are otherwise dealt with.
Apparently he also had problems senior year of hs, which was a harbinger of things to come.</p>
<p>oldtimeyfan – I am so sorry for what you’re going through. It feels like something is so deeply wrong when our children don’t experience the same milestones as their peers. As parents, we blame ourselves. Don’t. Don’t second guess how you raised him – “maybe I pushed him too much”. We all do that. It serves no purpose (I’m telling myself as much as I’m telling you). Don’t compare him to other kids – tough to do, especially on CC. </p>
<p>It sounds like you are in mourning – over his lost opportunities, his brilliant career. Mourn. Grieve. Be sorrowful. Talk to a therapist. </p>
<p>Then maybe in time a plan will emerge. Or maybe it won’t. Staying inside, on the computer worked out for Mark Zuckerberg :)</p>
<p>Hang in there.</p>
<p>I know a number of adults (all very successful) who did not graduate from college until they were 27-30-ish. Please please do something for yourself and find a therapist. It’s a wonderfully healthy, self-indulgent thing to do.</p>
<p>Addicted to the internet. We all know the dangers and ease of letting the internet be our social and intellectual stimulation. It’s so easy and risk free. And especially attractive for someone with a social disorder, depression, or a learning disability. </p>
<pre><code>I know you asked for coping mechanisms for yourself and DH, but if you’re anything like most moms, until your son is functioning a bit better in the world, you won’t feel better. For me, helping my kid when he’s in trouble is my coping mechanism!
</code></pre>
<p>I wonder about family therapy. While he continues with his own therapy, if it seems to be helping (?), it sounds like there still might be help out there for you as a family that would offer some strategies and help articulate and realize whatever goals he has, as well as ways for you to help him reach them. It’s easy to say, take away the internet, but what seems obvious might not be the best in the long run. I would look to a professional for guidance. At the very least, you would be doing something, and that will make you feel better.</p>
<p>My heart goes out to you. It may seem hopeless right now, but he can and will get better because he has your love and support.</p>
<p>Focus on your own happiness. Engage in activities you enjoy. Go to lunch with your friends. Plan a “girl’s day out” with some friends once or twice a month. </p>
<p>I think you’re caught up in a grieving process–having to put aside all of the high hopes and dreams YOU had for son. Your realization that his dreams/ambitions (or lack of) don’t coincide with your dreams is a difficult thing to accept, but it’s something you have to try to do.</p>
<p>Our older son is, I think, in his 7th year of work towards his 4 yr degree. (He already has a 2 yr community college degree) The key for him was finding something that he enjoys. He is very engaged in film and video. We have had lots of ups and downs and you have my sympathy on what hopefully is a down that will be followed by more ups for your son.</p>
<p>Although I was the one who implied that if you share about your less an perfect son, others will, too, do feel free to try out various “non answers” until you find one you like. Face it, most people who ask how your son is doing in college, or what he’s up to, are doing it to be polite or to make conversation; they don’t want or need the whole story. If anyone asks if your son has graduated, you can reply “not yet” or “he’s still ‘finding himself’” or “he’s on the 10 year plan” or “he’s on Major No. 5, so no, not any time soon.” You will likely receive a knowing chuckle, or “my brother was the same way and now he’s a [rocket scientist/computer programmer/successful real estate developer].”</p>
<p>OTF, I’m right there with you–</p>
<p>May 2008–my S should have been graduating from an Ivy. He dropped out his last semester. He got awful grades 2 of the last 3 he finished, though overall his GPA, even after all that, was still over 3.0. So it wasn’t that he couldn’t do the work. Basically, he had some personal setbacks, combined with a disallusionment with the kinds of people he was going to school with. Without going into details, he just didn’t want to do it anymore ( couldn’t make himself go to class.) He lives with us still, but does work at a worthwhile job he likes in some ways but not others, and pays rent. I’d like him to figure out what’s the right path; so far he says he just doens’t know, but really, really doesn’t want to go back to school, because he doesn’t know what he’d want to study (not the major he had). Has spent some time supporting himself by playing poker in the past, but that’s not a permanent career path for most people. </p>
<p>I tell myself what a really wonderful guy he is (and he is–kind, smart, funny). Yet there will always be some mourning for the path we saw him on–not necessarily a fancy professional career (he turns out not to be the type) but at least something that engaged him fully and used the brilliant mind he’s got.</p>
<p>But he’s 26, and still young. And yours is even younger. I think the important thing is to believe in who they are as well as who they can be.</p>
<p>For all the very helpful responses, thank you! It’s funny - I was thinking that it would be nice to e-mail this friend or that friend, and so on, to have lunch, but then that means I have to talk about DS, and I REALLY don’t want to have to talk about DS. When people ask how he’s doing, I tell them that he’s taking a year off. End of questions, which is a relief because I’m a terrible liar, and people who are not close friends do NOT want to be burdened with his story.
Job - I’ve been pushing for him to get a part-time job for months, but DH and I have been having a number of disagreements about what DS should be doing, and that is just one. </p>
<p>I realize that lots of kids take longer to graduate - the dean of the eng. school told me they allow kids up to 8 years to get their undergraduate degree (and I thought, I’ll be damned if I’m going to pay $50,000 a year for 8 years for one child). For those who question his AS diagnosis, he was diagnosed with AS when he was in kindergarten and received special services during elem. school. Academics was where he shone - until the Internet came into his life.Yes, senior year of hs was the beginning of the downward spiral (the year we finally got Internet service at home); we had to sit in his room at times to make sure he did his homework. We wrote it off to senioritis.</p>
<p>I’m sorry that you are going through this. As you can see from some of the other postings, many of us have had issues of varying types and degrees with our children…it sometimes seems like we’re the only ones, but I guarantee you have plenty of company.
On a more practical note, have you considered looking at a transfer to a school that may be better suited for a student with Aspergers? You may want to investigate some of the schools on this list:
[Colleges</a> for Students with Asperger’s: The Very Friendly Ones | CollegeXpress](<a href=“http://www.■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■/lists/list/colleges-for-students-with-aspergers-the-very-friendly-ones/421/]Colleges”>Colleges for Students With Autism Spectrum Disorder: The Very Friendly Ones | CollegeXpress)
Good luck!</p>
<p>Oldtimeyfan, I have to second a lot of what Missy says. I work with college freshman. They come in with such high hopes. And they just can’t do it. Whether it’s killing time online with video games and social networking, partying their hours away (hey, there’s one every night somewhere on campus), finding they’re not ready for the academic demands, or being unable to function without more structure doesn’t matter. They leave. And their parents, who were so excited for their opportunity, feel the blow as painfully as the kid does. You are not alone. </p>
<p>Some let their kids return for another try, but that rarely works out. How do you deal with it? You go talk to a counselor. Work through your own pain. And when that’s done, you start discussing what needs to be done in order for you to develop a healthy home. YOu don’t want advice on your S, so I won’t give it, but you will not be able to continue under the current set-up without jeapordizing your own emotional health.</p>
<p>My family’s experience is similar to Garland’s. Two days before graduation last June, my son told me his BA paper wasn’t accepted, he wouldn’t be graduating! Aaugh! He knew for three weeks, too freaked out to tell me. Told no one in his dorm, and no close friends. He had all his credits, I did not see this coming. I went to the graduation without him, hey, I put a kid through four years. He took a year off. Plans to go back. Meanwhile, I quickly learned that twenty per cent of undergrads at his U don’t finish in four years.</p>
<p>When we get to the end of the story, I may start a thread to help other parents going through this. </p>
<p>Hugs to you OTF and all of us, and to the 2012 parents that don’t even know yet.</p>