The controlling father is abusive too.

Parent Cafe
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<p>You are stirring the pot by reporting. It is the right thing to do, as evidenced by the above posts. She will probably not be happy about this in the short term, but in the long term, for the good of all involved, needs to be done. At this point, she does not necessarily need to know who made that call. You can decide when and if to tell her later. Right now, she’s in survival mode. In time, she may have more perspective. </p>

<p>What concerns me the most is that the younger kids are home schooled, and perhaps there is a degree of crazy making isolation. If they are living with this, and no other role models, how are they to learn what is good and kind human behavior?</p>

22

<p>It is not a given that police will take the girl out of the home, or that the girl will have the nerve to claim abuse to an outside party.</p>

<p>She may be in for a world of trouble (e.g., assumption of full parental control and curtailment of college or other out-of-house options) if there isn’t some advance plan as to what to do and how to handle contingencies. Leaving first and calling later is the usual approach, but if that’s not possible some forethought is in order. </p>

<p>I say this knowing women where the phone calls were made, authorities visited but didn’t intervene, and the parents (sometimes it’s both) moved to Phase II.</p>

23

<p>The person who called Children’s Services for me lives in a different state. I’ve also known of other cases where the person who calls lives in a different state. It’s not a problem. </p>

<p>The problem is what siserune states. Especially if the girl lies to the authorities, says nothing is going on. She’ll probably be totally in for it, if not physically (for her dad being worried about Children’s Services going after him), then even more mentally and emotionally than before.</p>

24

<p>“Especially if the girl lies to the authorities, says nothing is going on. She’ll probably be totally in for it, if not physically (for her dad being worried about Children’s Services going after him), then even more mentally and emotionally than before.”</p>

<p>One can not make any predictions about what will happen if protective services contacts her. It’s a big mistake not to contact CPS or other authorities for fear that will make things worse. All one is doing is trying to predict the future, which is not possible. </p>

<p>One needs to respond to the facts that one knows: The girl says she has a history including a recent history of being abused, even choked by her father. Consequently, she is in danger, and the OP has a responsibility to notify authorities and let authorities handle the situation. </p>

<p>For all anyone knows, once the authorities get involved, the girl will tell them the truth, the father will get help, and the whole family will have a chance to be healed and out of danger. That is exactly what happens to many families in this kind of situation.</p>

<p>I am speaking from experience as I used to be a military psychologist who worked with military families with child abuse. Such situations can be seem to be even more problematic for people to report because the military is the abuser’s employer or the abuser’s spouse’s employer, so people fear that the family may lose their livelihood. However, the authorities are not only interested in protecting the children, they want to educate the parents and provide them with whatever counseling and other support the parents need so as to stop being abusive.It’s also a priority to provide counseling to the children so that they emotionally heal from the abuse and don’t end up being abusers themselves or being married to abusers, things that often happen to people who were abused as kids and who didn’t get any help.</p>

<p>One of the top family counselors in the military facility where I worked had been abusive to her daughter. The woman had felt very guilty about abusing her daughter, but didn’t know how to control her own anger.</p>

<p>The woman had gotten help – counseling and other assistance – and eventually entered the counseling field herself. She and her daughter had a good relationship. When I met them, the daughter was 16, and she and her mother would do presentations about their experiences, and offer hope and support to other families affected by abuse.</p>

<p>There really are abusers who don’t like what they are doing and aren’t able to stop themselves, but are too ashamed to seek help on their own. They do respond well to assistance.</p>

<p>There also are abusers who truly think that what they are doing is OK, but may stop the abuse when the authorities get involved because the abusers may be able to control themselves if they fear going to jail.</p>

25

<p>"She may be in for a world of trouble (e.g., assumption of full parental control and curtailment of college or other out-of-house options) if there isn’t some advance plan as to what to do and how to handle contingencies. Leaving first and calling later is the usual approach, but if that’s not possible some forethought is in order. "</p>

<p>She already is in a world of trouble: She is being abused by her father who even has tried to choke her. Her life is at risk.</p>

<p>Also, there’s absolutely no guarantee that a controlling, abusive father will pay for her college costs – whether or not she goes to the authorities. The abuse isn’t related to her behavior, but is related to his issues of control – issues that will continue when she’s in college. Regardless of what she does, he always could decide not to pay for her college. He also could continue to abuse her when she comes home for vacations, etc.</p>

<p>If she is a college-bound senior, and is still a minor, there probably is not much time left in which she could get help from Child Protective Services because more than likely, she’ll turn 18 soon. Consquently, the OP needs to act ASAP. The greatest risk that his girlfriend faces is being maimed or killed by her father. The greatest risk is not losing her dad’s economic support for college.</p>

<p>She can always find other ways of getting a college education. Being killed by her dad would end that possibility.</p>

<p>Domestic violence is a very serious issue and it is important to realize that we are talking about life and death possibilities.</p>

26

<p>Alchemy,</p>

<p>What worries me here is that as much as you care about one another, she’s finally gotten the courage and/or desperation to tell you about the choking. I would be concerned that there’s even more and worse abuse going on that she hasn’t been able to admit yet, to herself, to her mother, or to you. Your actions could help save lives. </p>

<p>Have you discussed any of this with your parents? If one of my sons cared about a friend who was in this kind of trouble, I would want to know – it’s a terribly heavy burden for you to carry alone, and they may be able to offer advice and support. In any case, I’m glad you here asking for thoughts, and you are getting some good advice here, but there are limits to what we can do from a distance. Your parents may know more about what to do or there may be more involved than what you are willing to discuss online, which might change the parameters of what actions can/should be taken.</p>

27

<p>Kids that are home-schooled have no one else to look out for them or to see warning signs. These kids DESERVE the benefit of the doubt. Report the possibility of abuse and let the authorities investigate.</p>

28

<p>I wanted to join the host of voices urging you to get on the phone right now. </p>

<p>You aren’t in a position to protect your friend or her two younger brothers yourself, or to determine if there’s anything they can do while living under the same roof as the abuser to keep themselves safe. Even if you lived right next door, you wouldn’t be able to investigate or repair the situation. The one thing you can do is to contact the local authorities in her city and tell them exactly what your friend told you. Be very direct and honest, and let the child protection agency do its job. Be sure to let them know that the children are home schooled and isolated, and that two young kids are still living there, at risk at this moment. </p>

<p>If you think about it, contacting child protective services could be the most important thing you do this year, or this decade, or in your entire life in terms of safeguarding the lives of others. Your phone call could result in saving lives, or at very least, in preventing the two children who still live at home from being beaten and choked. Your phone call could extricate those children from a hellish life, and could give them the message that there are good people who care about them and who do the right thing. It could give your friend the message that you care enough about her to stand up for her whether or not it makes her upset with you in the short run, that you take her seriously enough not to risk her life and the lives of her brothers. Your friend’s life and safety is worth fighting for, even if making the phone call is awkward, embarrasing, or scarey.</p>

<p>Please, please get on the phone.</p>

29

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<p>Postponing by a couple of days to lay more solid plans or take action at the most opportune time is not “trying to predict the future” or, without further information, “putting her life at risk”. It can be a reduction of risk relative to the just-call-ASAP. If you can leave first, phone calls can happen later. If not, it’s more involved.</p>

<p>Economic consequences (parent not paying for college) have nothing to do with it. Domestic lockdown, intensified surveillance or abuse, etc are the issue. To go to college you have to be able to leave the house.</p>

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<p>People who replied to me:</p>

<p>I know she is already in a world of trouble. However, I am in foster care myself, and I am speaking from my own personal POV. While it is right to call Children’s Services, I am merely pointing out that what is right is not always what helps the most. It is sad but true. I know too many people who, for one reason or another, were held to an old Hell by the fear of a new one. Children’s Services was called, they were too afraid (or ashamed, or whatever else) to admit to what was happening to them, and things got even worse after that. An Even Worse always exists. You cannot possibly understand what it is like to be in such a situation unless you yourself have experienced it – not as a psychologist, not as a social worker or foster parent, but as the child.</p>

<p>It’s not at all easy to say, “Yes, this is what has been done to me.” I was only removed from my home two years after the first call – I chickened out that first time. The second call was made, and the only reason I told the truth was because the person had asked my prior permission to call Children’s Services… and I suppose it hurt me more than my own abuse had to see my friends in pain over my pain. I had to reach that point, though. You think I would’ve been brave enough to tell the truth otherwise? As ashamed as I am to say this now that I have hindsight, no, I would not have been that brave. Had I not been anticipating the call, I merely would’ve opened my arms wide to even more and worse abuse than before. Abusers get mad when they’re called on their ****. </p>

<p>So… really, I think the person should make the call. But I also think he should be aware of the many possibilities that could come about. Some people seem to think that his girlfriend being mad at him for a little bit is the worst thing that could happen.</p>

<p>After all that is said, I also would like to state the other side of things. However, CCSurfer said it better. Contacting Children’s Services could be the most important thing you ever do for another human being. It is certainly the most important thing anyone ever did for me.</p>

31

<p>" But I also think he should be aware of the many possibilities that could come about. Some people seem to think that his girlfriend being mad at him for a little bit is the worst thing that could happen"</p>

<p>The girlfriend’s being killed or maimed or disabled by the father or her whole family’s being killed by the dad when he goes on a rampage is what I think is the worst thing that could happen. Based on what I know from my experiences when I used to work with families who had abuse going on, I would bet money that what the girfriend has finally revealed is only the tip of the iceberg.</p>

<p>As for fears of what could happen if the girlfriend were sent into foster care: She is getting ready to go to college so is of an age that she could be an emancipated minor. I think that the chances are very low that she’d end up in foster care. </p>

<p>I also think that there must be some reason that the girlfriend has finally started revealing the dad’s abuse. My educated guess is that somethiing recently happened that scared her even more than she had been scared before. This even may have to do with her dad’s becoming increasingly abusive to her or her being concerned about the safety of her younger sibs after she leaves for college.</p>

<p>"It’s not at all easy to say, “Yes, this is what has been done to me.” I was only removed from my home two years after the first call – I chickened out that first time. The second call was made, and the only reason I told the truth was because the person had asked my prior permission to call Children’s Services… and I suppose it hurt me more than my own abuse had to see my friends in pain over my pain. "</p>

<p>It also may have been that the first person’s calling CPS helped you realize that people cared, getting help was important, and foster care might be a better place than living in the hell you were enduring. Even though you initially denied the abuse, whatever caring person reported it may have very much helped you accept help when it was again offered.</p>

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<p>“Postponing by a couple of days to lay more solid plans or take action at the most opportune time is not “trying to predict the future” or, without further information, “putting her life at risk”. It can be a reduction of risk relative to the just-call-ASAP. If you can leave first, phone calls can happen later. If not, it’s more involved.”</p>

<p>As I have repeatedly stated, if he keeps waiting for the girlfriend to give permission for him to contact CPS, he may never be able to make the call. Meanwhile, she could be killed.</p>

<p>CPS are the professionals, not him, not the girlfriend, not people like any of us who are well intentioned, but not directly familiar with what is going on.</p>

<p>CPS are the ones who would be best able to help the girl leave the home in a safe way.</p>

<p>The OP also could call CPS and before revealing who he is or anything about his girlfriend’s situation, ask CPS how they do investigations so as to have the lowest chances of the abuser’s harming the victims as a result of the investigation. There are many 800 hotlines that anyone can use to get information about reporting Child Abuse. The OP would be well served to get his questions answered by calling such a hotline.</p>

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<p>I would say the person who called the second time was what got me to see that foster care, or in fact any new situation, would be better than what I was going through. I fully intended to “tough it out” before he came along and made me see how much potential I had and how I was squandering it and letting myself be crushed. He’s been quite a mentor to me, but I’m a bit ashamed that it took another person pushing me so hard in order for me to come to my senses.</p>

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<p>Dis-grace,
I am concerned about what will happen to the sibs after the girl goes to college if no one has reported the abuse. From what I have seen, unless the abuser gets help – which often comes as a result of being confronted by CPS – the abuse will continue to get worse. In addition, the girl who is getting ready to leave for college may have been protecting her sibs and when she goes off to college, those sibs probably will be at increased risk.</p>

<p>While it is possible that the girl is the only object of the abuse, considering that she and her sibs are being homeschools, and thus isolated from others (I’m not suggesting that all homeschoolers are isolated from mothers, but abusive, controlling parents can homeschool to keep other people from knowing what goes on in their homes), I think the chances are high that her sibs also are being abused. At the very least, they are at high risk of becoming abuse victims.</p>

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<p>If she is over 18 she can press domestic violence charges against him</p>

36

<p>Very important story to share, dis-grace. Well done to you.</p>

37

<p>“but I’m a bit ashamed that it took another person pushing me so hard in order for me to come to my senses.”</p>

<p>You have nothing to be ashamed about. If the people who are supposed to love and care for you more than anyone else in the world are abusive, why should a child assume that things would be better if they moved into foster care?</p>

<p>No matter how abusive parents are, in general, kids love their parents and would prefer to stay with them. It can take a very long time for survivors of child abuse to get over the natural expectation that their parents will give them the loving care that any child deserves from their parents.</p>

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<p>Northstar - you are so right - children of abuse tend to become terrific problem solvers (they have to in order to survive) and hence stay way past the time they should (or show too much loyalty to their abuser). I was abused, and as a result left home for good at 18 - zip, zero parental support - and lucked out to a college and graduate degree to two top 10 USNWR schools. Luck is the operative word. </p>

<p>The poverty incident to going it alone was not fun, but the freedom from abuse was fantastic. I would say one thing to a student in such a situation - you must find an adult - a counselor or very experienced person used to dealing with young people - to look out after your interests. It is just imperative. I had no one looking out for me at that age, and while it did not make me a person in any way to be pitied, it stunted my development. There has to be some positive connection with an adult iwith a young person so the young person can develop not only a sense of trust in at least some adults but also a barometer upon which to pick and choose the people they associate with. In my case, although I was a recruited athlete/national scholastic champion in my sport, there was no way I should have gone straight on to school. In today’s parlance, I needed a “gap” year, if only to qualify for financial aid - and widen my choice of schools to beyond those select few schools that gave Div. 1 athletic scholarships. It would have matured me, too. In particular, a small good liberal arts college - a Williams, a Carleton, etc., would have been much better for me, especially with the right kind of instructions to watch out for my welfare - a small, caring environment would have done wonders for my ability to connect with people and trust them, something I struggle to do today. In any event, I did not intend this post to really be about my experiences, just to use my own experience to explain how essential it is for a young person in an abusive situation to truly watch out for their welfare.</p>

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<p>mam, you are so right. The person who first watched out for my welfare is actually the one who called CS. My amount of trust in people has grown exponentially because of him, and I’m also simply more self-aware and self-nurturing… before I got into foster care, all these college pamphlets were showing up at the house, and my mother thought I’d signed up for them. It’d been the my mentor/friend, who also gave me a bizillion SAT study books because he was so worried I wouldn’t properly prepare myself haha. I didn’t even plan on going to college before he came along. His annoying-but-helpful nagging is also the reason I have all the various deadlines written into my calendar. etc</p>

<p>But the most wonderful thing is that being in foster care provides me with even more support. My foster parents, their grown kids, my case worker, guardian ad litem, therapist… and the list goes on. I feel like I have a greater number of nurturing parents than I even know what to do with at this point.</p>