I agree!
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The House Hunters shows on HGTV feed into this.
I watch House Hunters most every night to get myself sleepy. It’s a fascinating look into peoples’ relationships. I find myself watching and thinking, “He’s a jerk.” “They won’t last.” Or, “What a lovely couple!”
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I think it’s more complicated. Kids do require some more stuff–not as much as many people think, but some.
For example, having a third child often involves buying a “new” car–it might be used–because you need a bigger car to fit in 3 car seats. They just don’t fit in a regular size car. (Of course, if you live in a city, you may not need a car at all.)
And, yes, 3 girls can share a bedroom, as the author did as a child. What happens if the kids are of different sexes? Oh, they can share a room for a while–at least if the kids are heavy sleepers-- but when the oldest reaches 7 or so it’s less than ideal for them to share. Note the mom who said they could have waited to buy a house—I’m sure that’s true. She didn’t say “we’ll never need one.”
If you live in an urban area, you do need a stroller and if you have a second child close in age, you’re going to need a double stroller. My adult kid had to buy a double stroller for the first child because they were in a nanny share and when a nanny is watching 2 kids of about the same age she’s got to have a double stroller. You’ll also need a pack and play if you’re not the host family.
If you’re a working mom and want to breast feed, you’ll probably need a breast pump and freezer bags for milk.
I’d advise getting a “baby jail,” what my kid’s friends call a play pen. Yes, I know people who adamantly oppose them but if you have 2 young kids there are times when you need to “jail” one while you tend to the other. If you work from home, they are also almost necessary.
And then there’s the biggie–child care. Yes, there are people who do not have children because the mother needs to work and they don’t have family or anyone else offering free care.
So, while I agree that we should be encouraging people outside the top ten per cent who want children to have them if they can, I do understand those who feel they just can’t afford them. IMO, we as a society need to give more financial support to families.
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European and Scandinavian countries do just that.
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My Ds have gotten so much baby stuff from “Buy Nothing” Facebook groups in their neighborhoods. And I see the young mothers in my neighborhood passing things around. Yes, there are things you need, but you don’t always have to buy them. They both dove into their local communities and made friends with other new parents through community organizations and online groups.
Childcare costs are insane. I’ll totally agree with that.
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I do agree there is stuff that you really do need. I also agree that what people need probably depends on how many kids they have, and their individual situation.
I don’t think you necesarily NEED very expensive crib sheets or a designer diaper bag that costs hundreds of dollars. I saw some show or something were a lady had a diaper bag that was $1000…
She needs to quit using the word, “f*cking”, for one thing.
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For the most part we live in a society where ‘needs’ and ‘nice to have’ are blurred. In the world of kids that is so true. I also believe it is true in the world of homes and cars. And for some shoes and clothes.
My Dad born in 1946 was the oldest of 7. He grew up in a 3 bedroom house probably about 1300-1400 sq ft. So he raised two boys in a house just slightly larger. He probably thought we were living in luxury since my brother and I didn’t have to share a bedroom. He also probably thought I was crazy to have 2 girls in a house almost double that size. My point is some of it is generational.
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We brother in law grew up with 7 brothers in a lower middle class family. They had 3 drawers - one for undershirt, underpants and socks. The boys all shared those and if you were one of the last ones to get dressed you could be out of luck. His mom used to tie them around a tree to play while she did housework. They would scream when they were all wrapped around the tree and couldn’t untangle themselves.
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So true!
I was one of 7 kids. We girls were 2 per bedroom and the 3 boys had to share a bedroom and my folks had the 4th bedroom. We had a lot of hand me down clothing and went to public school. We spent a lot of time playing in our street and at the public library. We had most of what we needed but not much beyond that while growing up.
Yes, but I also think that the definition of “wants” and “needs” varies depending on your generation. Many Boomers and Gen-X’ers did grow up sharing bedrooms and a single bathroom (without a double vanity - GASP!) and cramming into the family wagon where not everyone necessarily had an actual seat or a seat belt.
Many of us have been blessed with a level of success as adults that allows us to have bigger homes than we grew up in, with multiple beds & baths, 2+ cars, walk-in closets, etc. and we bring our Gen Y and Gen Z’ers into that world, and they really don’t know anything different. I don’t think that wanting those things for themselves, as adults, is a character flaw. Hopefully, there’s an adjustment in their level of humility that’s achieved when they go away to college and have to live in a tiny, shared dorm room and use a bathroom with 30 strangers, and maybe that continues when they graduate and have learn how to live on their own.
Standard of living aside, and zeroing in on the subject of the article, IMO there’s many over-the-top things that go on with couples having children these days, from showers that cost more than a wedding to the elaborate gender reveals, having hair & make-up done for the birth, nurseries straight out of Architectural Digest, over-the-top, pricey birthday parties, etc. We can thank TikTok, at least in part, for the escalation of these things.
Many of us will likely agree, even from our own pregnancy experience, that the amount of baby gear that accumulates from the pregnancy announcement through to the birth and afterward is astounding, as everyone wants to gift something to the baby. Much of it isn’t needed right away, but inevitably we receive one too many onesies, so gift-givers move on to playpens, high chairs and cozy coupes. Those living in small homes/apts. naturally feel the squeeze of having all of the items at once and limited places to store it all.
Kudos to couples who strive to raise their families with a simpler life. It’s hard not to get caught up in the whirlwind of what other parents are doing (and to not feel the guilt that goes along with not buying the latest and greatest for your kid).
The biggest issue in considering whether to have children is the cost of childcare, hands down. I’m not sure how we overcome that because we definitely want to make sure we’re paying enough to get qualified and properly trained people to care for our most precious gifts. And we want clean and safe facilities and healthy food options - so we really can’t cut corners on those areas. I think the changes will have to come from employers - allowing parents to take extended time off, with continued financial support via their salary & benefits, and confirmation that their jobs will still be there for them.
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We are a one and done family, and these factors played into the decision-making process:
Childcare: We were going to need to aim for a 5-year difference in age between the kids because we couldn’t afford to pay for childcare for two children at the same time. But having that much of a gap with kids isn’t always conducive to a close, positive relationship between the siblings. Also, the risks for pregnancy complications and birth defects increase with the mother’s age, so depending on when the family starts having kids, that can also be a factor.
Housing: We lived (and still live) in a 2BR/1BA place. If child #2 was the same sex as our first, then we would be fine. But if child #2 was a different sex, then at some point we’d need to figure out how to get an additional bedroom. Getting a place for that 3rd bedroom would be a very significant increase in price, for a comparably safe and convenient neighborhood.
Education: We wanted to make sure we could afford to pay for tuition, room & board at our in-state flagship for any children we had. This doesn’t even begin to think about costs for swim lessons or any extracurricular activities.
So most of the logical, rational reasons why two professionals with graduate degrees ended up only having only one child were:
- High cost of childcare
- High cost of living
- High cost of higher education
- Low pay of educators
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I don’t think wanting those things is necesarily bad either. But no one HAS to have a huge house to raise kids in. And I think kids need to learn that those bigger houses and multiple cars come from years of working and saving. Also, for H and I our starter house was a small condo. The bigger house we lived in later on, was not our first house. Also, we know people who lost their home to forclosure. They bought a brand new big house, that they couldn’t really afford.
I do think kids need to realistic and realize that they might not be able to afford the bigger house right away.
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Five adult kids later, we are still in our starter home.
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We never have wanted a house other than the one we bought when I was pregnant with D. We are still in same house we moved into when she was 2. She’s now mid-30s.
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I think that those lower on the scale of "middle class may have very different lessons to teach their children about money. Families don’t always lose their homes because they purchased a house way more expensive than they could afford. Shoot (substitute the vowels) happens.
I am fortunate that my daughter and I always had a roof over our heads, and at hoe and at school and among our friends there were those with more and those with less. I do recall asking my father to buy us a $250 stroller (stroller being a necessity with a 2-year-old in Brooklyn) to replace the $10 one from Toys r Us that we used in our adoption trip in China. That seemed like A LOT of money!
That is a lot of money.
That stroller took us on a zillion subway and bus rides, and very long walks. Left it with the sitter we shared with two other families and sitter pushed my kid almost a mile to pick the other two girls from preschool; the girls walked back together with sitter using stroller to hold everyone’s stuff. It took us on plane rides too. I think I got my dad’s money out of it.
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These days they sell $1000 strollers . . . . crazy.
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