<p>I saw the author of this article on TV yesterday. He said that the girls get tired of hookups before boys do.</p>
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<p>This is what concerns me about a lack of communication prior to sex - that girls will assume that it’s the start of a potentially permanent relationship, and boys will assume there are no strings attached until they are good and ready for strings.</p>
<p>My other problem w/hookups - even if a relationship develops, how can you be confident that someone who acted impulsively will not do that again after a commitment is made? (This assumes that monogamy in marriage is desirable).</p>
<p>SO, what are the teenage HS pregnancies? Immaculate conceptions? Sounds like “getting” to me!</p>
<p>Is there really any indication that the girls are giving non intercourse sex to males more frequently than they are receiving non intercourse sex?</p>
<p>This is a real case told by my daughter to me when she was in HS. A very popular boy was going out with a very popular girl (Girl A), ideal couple. The boy regularly texted a not so good looking, not so popular girl (Girl B) late at night to have hookups - they would sneak out late at night to do it. During the day at school, he was in a relationship with Girl A, would not even look at Girl B because he wouldn’t be seen with her. </p>
<p>Is the above scenario different than what we have encountered in HS? No, except for the texting part. Maybe Girl B today could more easily say that she was doing it because she enjoyed it, but would anybody believe that she didn’t want more than that from the boy?</p>
<p>My husband told our older daughter, “You need to be very clear why you have physical relationship with someone - 1) is it to express love, 2) is it for the pureoyment of sex, 3) what expectation do you have of the other person afterwards, 4) could you walk away from the other person with no strings attached. If you couldn’t be honest with yourself then you are in for a big disappointment.”</p>
<p>I think people (probably mostly girls) have hookups as their only of relationship can become depressed because what they want is not necessarily what they are getting.</p>
<p>IMO–the expectations and perceptions relating to sexual behavior are cultural beyond a biologoical imparative. If a female perceives sex as less “good” outside a committed relationship and expects intimate physical relations to lead to marriage, “hooking up” probably is depressing. A female who doesn’t think sex for her enjoyment is “bad” and isn’t looking to have sex lead to an exclusive relationship may find hooking up as recreational. </p>
<p>My wish is that both parties would leave alcohol out of it so what was occurring was clear at the time and undeerstood by both participants.</p>
My impression is yes, but it is based only on anecdotal evidence.</p>
<p>There’s a little evidence on this. From 2005:
But all these surveys I’ve seen lump together kids over a pretty broad age range (such as 15-19), so it’s hard to understand what is going on. A more recent study found that “only” one quarter of teenagers had oral sex before having vaginal sex.</p>
<p>“Is there really any indication that the girls are giving non intercourse sex to males more frequently than they are receiving non intercourse sex?”</p>
<p>Clinically speaking, I have seen girls in therapy because of “giving”, but never has a girl come in to complain about “getting”. I have never had a boy come in with either as a complaint, unless it’s with a same sex partner, and usually older than the patient.</p>
<p>I’ve never even kissed another person romantically since my husband and I “hooked up” 20+ years ago. Of course, I suppose a case of whore-itis could break out in the house and then all bets are off. </p>
<p>One of the key factors in the two of us hooking up was that we were both single. Once we became a couple and chose monogamy, then hooking up (with other people) was off the table. </p>
<p>Although our UPS guy is very cute. I wonder if I could get away with that? “Well, gee, honey, we got together via hooking up. What did you expect?”</p>
<p>This assumes the participants did not have a preconceived intent to find a sexual partner at that time. It isn’t “impulsive” if the people are out looking for an encounter. A female (and for that matter a male) with an unused condom in her posession as she heads out for the evening isn’t acting impulsively if she engages in sex, she planned ahead.</p>
<p>As pugmadkate said, if the hook up mophs into marriage commitments, the circumstances have changed.</p>
<p>Well, again, I have very different views than most; I think sex belongs in marriage. </p>
<p>However, sexual issues aside, I think that the demise of dating is a sad event. Dating, done right, gave you a chance to get to know someone. Sometimes, someone who wasn’t an obvous “match” turned out to be interesting. Back in the Iron Age, when I was young, most girls would go out once with almost anyone who asked them. Then, if the guy had a good time, he would ask the girl out again. The girl would say yes if she’d had a good time too. Things proceeded from that point. </p>
<p>There were lots of events that people more or less had to have dates to attend. While there were some drawbacks to that, there were also some advantages. If there was a dance, most people went. The fact that some guy asked a girl to go to the dance with him was not a statement of undying love. </p>
<p>Now, agreeing to actually “go out” with someone is tantamount to agreeing that you think you’d like to be in a relationship with him/her. I used to get annoyed with my D when she would say “no” to a guy who asked her out. She told me that I just didn’t “get it.” Nowadays, having a guy ask you to an event–even an event like a fraternity dance–usually means he wants you to be his girlfriend UNLESS he specifically suggests that you go as “just friends.” If you don’t think you’d like to be his girlfriend, then you say no to the very first date.</p>
<p>Again, back in the Iron Age, if someone else had already asked you, you could just say that–sorry, I already have a date for the dance. You could say it in a way that made it clear that you would go out with him if he asked you another time. You might even have a date with one person on Friday night and someone else on Saturday. *</p>
<p>Now, it seems that young people go from hanging out in a group of friends (with perhaps some hooking up, with hooking up describing a wide range of activities) to joined at the hip coupledom. There’s not much in between.</p>
<p>“Now, it seems that young people go from hanging out in a group of friends (with perhaps some hooking up, with hooking up describing a wide range of activities) to joined at the hip coupledom. There’s not much in between.”</p>
<p>Yeah, that’s basically true. One of my best girl friends “hooked up” (made out, in this case) with this guy and wham, they became a couple, and now if one of them is seen without the other, it’s assumed they had a fight or something. I really don’t like this “joined at the hip coupledom”… And it’s so bizarre, because my boyfriend also values his independence and because we don’t spend every waking (or sleeping!) minute together, multiple people have told me that we have a “weird” or “strange” or “dysfunctional” relationship. Say what? The whole thing is just peculiar.</p>
<p>^It’s important to know if you’re compatible in multiple ways. Sex belongs in marriage, but that’s not where it should be introduced. </p>
<p>The fact that girls almost always say “yes” when asked out on a date is a double-edged sword. While someone that isn’t an obvious match might be fun to go out with for an evening, it’s just as likely that they aren’t an obvious match because there are incompatibilities that you can see from miles away. Instinct and gut feelings deserve some credit.</p>
<p>There are pluses and minuses to each point of view.</p>
<p>“Now, it seems that young people go from hanging out in a group of friends (with perhaps some hooking up, with hooking up describing a wide range of activities) to joined at the hip coupledom. There’s not much in between.”</p>
<p>When I’m talking to middle schoolers, the “boyfriend/girlfriend” commitment seems like an avenue to more “drama”. Kids who used to be “friends” now have every move interpreted with regard to fidelity…But you get to make out without being tabled a “slut”.</p>
<p>The following is part of an interview with the sociologist whose research is discussed in OP’s link.</p>
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<p>When the people are not looking to find a mate in HS and college, the investigative process of dating loses it purpose. From everything I read intelligent US females no longer look at a “husband” as the prize with college as the happy hunting grounds. </p>
<p>They seek an education and a career and postpone marriage so that they can be self-supporting if (and from the statistics–when) a divorce happens.</p>
<p>It appears that the substantial investment of time in dating around in college is losing out to casual itch scratching. It reminds me of preprepared frozen food. When the goal is merely to eat for nourishment its quick and easy–no muss, no fuss just heat and serve.</p>
<p>Son of Opie–young, but wise beyond his years. As a future MD you will need that pragmatic clarity to deal with what “human nature” will have to show you.</p>
<p>Oh and by the way, don’t you know females who feel the same way?</p>
<p>^Absolutely. The women in my class, in a lot of cases, don’t feel the guilt that traditional values would place on them. They’re in control of their own situation, know exactly what they’re doing, and I think it’s neat. I think one of the biggest accomplishments of feminism will be true equality in the field of sex and dating.</p>
<p>As far as people shifting back toward dating when they get older, I would imagine that’s true. No one wants to be the creepy 30-something dude in the club trying to hit on a 21-year-old.</p>