<p>Our DS will be leaving for his freshman year of college the middle of next week. It’s been a trying summer, but during the past few days I’ve felt an increased sense of poignancy on both his part and ours. Sadly this year, as was the case a year ago, my husband’s tumultuous job kept us from having a family vacation…something my son really wanted and needed. I feel it stole some really important moments from us. Anyway, to my question…</p>
<p>What do you during that final week at home? There’s so much to be said, but it just doesn’t seem like the right time. I’d love to take DS aside and tell him what all these years have meant to me and that I want him to have the most wonderful life. I’d love to share with him my deepest beliefs of how to approach his life…with joy, determination, and optimism. BUT…I think it would be wrong, overwhelming to do that to him (don’t want to be the drama queen).</p>
<p>In prior years, if I heard a song, or read something that touched me, I always shared it with him. Also, when he was little (and even when he was not so little) , DS would always gather little wild flowers and interesting stones and place them in my hand. One thing I’d like to do is gift wrap a small stone that I have found espeically for him…I know he’ll understand the meaning.</p>
<p>So, wise CC parents, students, etc. help me find the way to connect during these last few days at home.</p>
<p>It sounds as though you and your son have a lovely relationship. Although saying too much might get drama queen-y and could end up depressing both of you, I certainly think it’s fine to say something to him about how much your time together has meant to you, and keep it pretty upbeat. Both of you should realize that this is not really the end of things but a wonderful new chapter. Having new experiences anf rames of references will expand his life, but home is still home, and you are still there for him (but not to the etent of being overbearing). the little gift-wrapped stone is a very nice touch. Also, don’t let family circumstances deprive your son of his due these last few days at home. If your husband is too busy for a festive farewell dinner, then have one without him and make up for your husband mising it with another dinner or something when he is less busy with his job. and take full advantage of any parent events at orientation even if your H does not have time to attend.</p>
<p>For most people, sending children to college is a wonderful but stressful time. It is normal to want to make each “final” moment special. However, I suggest that you follow your instincts and your son’s lead. Some kids need extra space that makes it easier for them to leave the nest. Others become more attached and need extra support and bonding. As hard as it is to imagine now, this probably isn’t the ending it seems.</p>
<p>Our returning junior son was somewhat aloof and distant before his freshman year, and he was not interested in long goodbyes that made leaving home even harder. We were much closer during his next summer home, probably because he could relax and appreciate home and school. He also liked to hear stories about home in our letters and phone calls during his freshman year. </p>
<p>So I think your instincts are right and my recommendation is that you keep those special memories ready for when your son wants to share them.</p>
<p>Our son is just spending every spare moment with his friends (after 7pm). As the days dwindle he is feeling the stress, but he has been so sweet. He has spent time with all of us, and that says it all!</p>
<p>Also, I don’t see it as “good-bye”, as the other poster noted, just a new chapter.</p>
<p>I like the stone idea. You might even want to consider writing a letter to your son expressing some of your feelings–your pride in him, a couple memories of special times–and stick it and the stone in his luggage where he will find it when he unpacks. Sometimes it is easier for a kid to read these things than to hear them spoken, and it is something he could save to reread on those inevitable days when he feels overwhelmed and misses home.</p>
<p>I made my S a little cross-stitch that says “Whatever” with little flowers and hearts around it (he’d taken to saying “Whatever” as a response to things he didn’t want to think about during that last year he was home). I framed it and gave it to him before he left. I figured it would disappear into a pile of stuff in a drawer.</p>
<p>When I visited at Family Weekend in Oct., I noticed it was standing on his desk, right next to his fancy computer monitor.</p>
<p>They remember. They want to maintain the connection. Little things mean a lot. Your instincts are good, and the wrapped stone is a lovely idea. It may be poignant and difficult, but say what you feel you need to say and do those little extra things that demonstrate your care and connection. And don’t just do them during this last week at home: do them at random times throughout the year. Hugs to you all.</p>
<p>An idea is to have someone with beautiful handwriting (or a calligrapher) write out the words to a favorite song or poem that says what you would like to say but may feel would be “too much” to say aloud right now. Frame it and stick it in the suitcase.</p>
<p>For me that was Dylan’s Forever Young. I had actually given it to him when he turned 13, but it always stayed on his nightstand and went to college with him. Even if he doesn’t look at it or think about it every day, I just like knowing he has it.</p>
<p>One thing I did for my two that was kind of corny was that I got a nice silver picture frame and had it engraved with the old quote: “To you we wish to give two things. One is roots, the other wings”. I then did a collage of family snapshots, including pets. I gave it to each kid when we drove off, along with a handwritten card from H & I. </p>
<p>D’s into pictures, so I knew she’d display it. S was another matter. He didn’t even plan to take any pictures with him. I half expected him, being somewhat of a “distant” type (using a poster’s words above) to stick it under his bed. Turns out he proudly displayed it on his bookshelf at both his schools (he was a Katrina evacuee). </p>
<p>Anyway, it made me feel better knowing I had given them each a relatively permanent memory the day we said goodbye. And even if they don’t say so, I think they’re both really glad to have it.</p>
<p>We are leaving with D next Wednesday. We have been far more pragmatic, giving her space, helping support her to get whatever she still needs before she goes. She is still working packing and shopping lists. </p>
<p>She’ll get a card and something small to remember home by, and a big hug and a kiss when we drop her off, but she won’t want us hanging around long on drop off day, and we don’t plan to.</p>
<p>I know how you feel, and I went through it with my son with a big heart-to-heart talk where I talked a lot and he listened politely but probably very bored… but it was a mistake.</p>
<p>The thing is, it wasn’t “goodbye”, as I realized when the weeks flew by and there he was home again over winter break, hogging the remote control and leaving his late night dirty dishes piled in the sink. So really, a slightly longer than usual hug and the words “I love you” would have sufficed. </p>
<p>So nothing too big planned for my daughter. I did splurge on theater tickets-- “last” mother/daughter night out for theater, at least for awhile.</p>
<p>Calmom, I agree with you. Although it may feel like a big “Goodbye” when they first go away to school, the reality is that they come back! Usually with more stuff than they went away with, and tons of dirty laundry. I will admit that I sometimes miss my pre-college son – now that he’s been home all summer and is ready for year 2, I can really see the changes. Mostly, the changes are good – just part of growing up – but sometimes they just seem like changes. What I think I miss is the closeness we had when he was in high school, when my opinion seemed to count for more than that of his friends.</p>
<p>We were lucky enough to schedule 2 weeks of family time in southern CA as part of son’s “goodbye.” He & my daughter did some roughhousing & teasing & I know they’ll miss each other a lot. We spent time with LA friends & went to the San Diego Zoo & Animal Park. We made no speeches but did make son give each of us a proper hug when we finally left him at his new dorm for the next chapter of his life. I was happy to see him taking more responsibility & forming new friendships even as we were flying back home. Hubby & he did some chatting as they drove & hubby taught him how to navigate LA & left him a large pile of maps, so he can be helpful to any friends who will drive. I’m sending him a care package & may include a sentimental surprise.</p>
<p>Orangeblossom, your posts always just exude your love for your son. if it flows out of my computer screen, than in person?!-- I am sure since day one there has never been any question in his mind how much he means to you I say, say it; say whatever you want. You can try to say it in little bits so it can be absorbed, and the ideas above are all very nice, but don’t hobble yourself with too many restrictions. </p>
<p>I am a believer, as my southern mother in law says, of giving people sugar as often as possible. I wound up grabbing my D the other day and crying into her neck about how happy I have been having her home again, and how much I will miss her. She cried too and it was a nice moment. </p>
<p>So, if tears spill out it is no big deal. Congrats on your son’s new adventure. :)</p>
<p>We have a large family both here and abroad, as well as a large extended family (also scattered).</p>
<p>I sent an email asking each to write “words of wisdom” to D, and would bind them for her.</p>
<p>Emails were pouring in. Some poignant, some hilariously funny, some just plain sweet and caring. The recurring theme, however, was that she was supported in whatever adventures came her way, and to enjoy every moment, knowing she would never be “alone” with all of us in the fringe.</p>
<p>We found an online place that paperback bound it, we did a massive collage of her at all stages of life as the front and back cover, and included a table of contents. 65 pages total, and it only cost $12 including shipping. Ordered it on a Saturday, it was in our door on that Tuesday.</p>
<p>She was so blown away, and has shown EVERYONE her very own book, written by everyone she knows, loves, and respects.</p>
<p>There are many ways to leave indelible marks. Choose what feels best. It will be right.</p>
<p>i have two days left before saying farewell for a while. we are already on campus, and i have to say that i feel much better now that we are actually here. it seemed to be much harder to leave home. however, come tuesday afternoon, i will probably be a mess. i hope i have already said/done all the right things. my s is 18, and i hope i have expressed my love deeply enough, shared my advice wisely enough, and given encouragement and respect as needed. i hope tuesday afternoon is a quick hug and a kiss, and we’re outta’ there. i will continue to do all the same things, i just don’t want to dwell on the goodbye moment.</p>
<p>I tried not to make a big deal out of the actual good bye. I just gave each a hug, a kiss and I love you. I did send each an e-mail the morning they began their first day of classes. In it I told each how much I loved them, how proud I had always been of them and how I knew they would continue to make their dad and me proud. I also included a little “remember when” that was unique for each one. All three said the e-mail helped calm their nerves and made their day.</p>
I say, say it; say whatever you want. You can try to say it in little bits so it can be absorbed, and the ideas above are all very nice, but don’t hobble yourself with too many restrictions. </p>