Been up for an hour. Had a tough time adjusting during our recent travel and now adjusting back ….
2 Likes
I used to be able to sleep straight throw the night until a very stressful period of my life. I would wake up before 4 am ,and then had a hard time falling back to sleep because a lot of bad thoughts and worries would come to my mind. I took pm aspirins to fall back asleep for a while. I didn’t want to keep on doing that, so I tried to listen to a sleep application ( Pzizz) and some meditation sound. I found by listening to those sounds, it blocks other thoughts from my head and then I could sleep. I’ve been doing it for 7+ years.
3 Likes
That full moon is so bright that it’s like a spotlight coming through my transom window. I’m still awake, wondering if I missed the eclipse.
3 Likes
Found this breathing tip. And counting backwards, it helps me
If you wake up in the middle of the night, don’t get up (unless you really have to pee). Instead, lie on your back and do 10 rounds of 4-7-8 breathing (inhaling for four seconds, holding it for seven and exhaling for eight). Then count backward from 300 by threes. The breaths slow your heart rate, while the math keeps your mind from racing. It works so well, it’s like taking an Ambien.
–Michael Breus, Sleep specialist and author of “Sleep Drink Breathe”
1 Like
The additional trick I read was to visualize yourself writing the number on a whiteboard, and then erasing it. Repeat as you count backwards. That works well for me.
1 Like
I’ve been waiting to see if anyone posts pics - haven’t seen any yet! I think it was suppose to be like 3am
1 Like
I was up late, thinking about my (not ill) son’s long written diatribe about what a horrible childhood he had, and what horrible parents we were. He turns 30 next week! His sister is sympathetic to him. WTH? It’s just surreal. I’ve been thinking about the many, many times I’ve bent over backwards to help the two of them, when they were kids and also after they grew up. The more I thought about it, the more awake I was. 
I think I may have to go see a therapist again. I’m just so angry. And we’re supposed to go visit S in Poland in about a month and a half. He sent me a text the other day, “Let me know when you and dad are ready to hash out what I sent. It will take time.” OMG. Is it grounds for murder?
12 Likes
I think a therapist could be very helpful. 
4 Likes
What he and your daughter are saying, is very hurtful. They may be having struggles and you and your husband are easy target- if only their childhood had been different….
They need a scapegoat. Don’t take it personally. Talking to therapist will help.
For some unknown reason, they can’t remember all the good you did for them?? All the love and care???
They are struggling.
The past is water under the bridge.
What do they want, an apology??
You did the best could.
You don’t have to be right or win an argument with them.
If you don’t remember all the ill treatment or sad times as your kids do, why are they holding it against you?? I don’t see what your kids want.
Can they forgive you even if you don’t remember the past as they do??
1 Like
Yes, I think my son wants an apology. He’s remembering things like the fact that I didn’t go to his graduation, when that was totally due to his actions. He attended school so little that the counselor told us that although he would receive a diploma, he couldn’t walk at graduation, so I gave away our tickets and volunteered to run errands for Project Graduation the afternoon of the ceremony. Then at the last minute, the school secretary said she thought if S contacted the principal, he might be allowed to go. The day before graduation, the principal said he could, but it was too late to get tickets. I’ve TOLD him this, but he chooses to forget, I guess. I’m going to ask him if he understands that I was disappointed not to go? My parents would have come up from Texas, too.
He also said that DH slapped him a lot. Uh, no. D agrees that never happened. DH and I have our faults, but we don’t have tempers.
D is upset we didn’t try “creative solutions,” such as allowing S to take a week off during his senior year. Uh, we went to the school to explain his difficulties and they said he could come in at NOON every day. He got half a day off EVERY day. She also remembers yelling. Yep, I will admit to that. One therapist diagnosed S with oppositional defiant disorder, and I think she was right. He butted heads with us every single day.
D does admit that we “weren’t monsters.” Oh, thanks, dear, what a compliment!
So you can tell I’m upset, and I have no idea how I’m going to visit him in Poland. I imagine we will take the high road, but it will be hard. I’ll be cordial with him in the future, but that’s about it.
The other odd thing is that he has been so sweet the last ten years. D did mention that he vented to her a lot about his childhood, and she finally told him she couldn’t be his therapist.
Thanks for listening to my venting.
5 Likes
Sometimes it’s easier to blame others than to own up for your mistakes. To me it sounds like this is what may be happening with your son @MaineLonghorn
I have a child that has a way of remembering things differently. History to them is completely different than I remember or takes things I say in a way that is completely different than how I meant it.
What I do now is say, I’m really sorry, I’ll try and do better in the future. I repeat that over and over. I don’t argue, I keep repeating that I’m really sorry.
It’s not important that I be right. I just promise to be better in the future. The kid seems to like this, our relationship is better. And I forget about the conversation, try and not do anything that is in any way argumentative. And move on.
It’s not great but it shuts down any fights. I don’t need to be right.
7 Likes
Thanks, I like that a lot. I have a tendency to want to prove I’m right, but I know that won’t work with him. I don’t really want to dwell 13 years in the past.
I did talk to his former psychiatrist, the one who still treats my older son. He said middle kid is about an 8/10 on the scale for ADHD, which means he feels things very intensely and can blow things out of proportion. From NAMI I know it’s important to separate the disorder and the person, but it’s hard to do in real life!
4 Likes
So sorry, @MaineLonghorn! You don’t need all this! Apologies if I am misremembering this, but didn’t you also say this son was dx bipolar? Could he be in a hypomanic state, manifesting as anger?
I have posted before about how my daughter is not talking to me. She is working with my therapist (as am I, separately) and my therapist had her permission to tell me that my parenting was considerably less than perfect during periods of her childhood, and I never apologized to her about it. I immediately said, yes, of course I had, but in examining written communications between us, I realized that no, I had not. I sent her a brief text acknowledging that I had not before, and then summarized the ways I know I let her down and telling her how sorry I am for that. She texted me back and said how much she appreciated this apology. We are still not communicating directly but hope springs eternal. @MaineLonghorn of course my overall impression of myself as a parent is that I was not perfect but, as the book says, a “good-enough mother.” I am still a little mystified by the vehemence of her avoidance (within a very small extended family) but it didn’t kill me to acknowledge my faults that way, and hopefully it will help.
7 Likes
I’m sorry you are having this issue with your daughter. I hope that between the therapists and time, things get in a better place.
I also think it’s interesting that there’s been some discussion about ADHD and feeling things more intensely. The child who likes to confront me has mental health issues including ADD that they are trying to control. Through therapy and medication.
My point that I’m slowly trying to tie together is that my sibling has what I am sure is ADHD that is unmanaged, undiagnosed and unmedicated. They have all these issues that they bring up about their childhood. How my mother was wrong, what she did wrong and how they were mistreated.
Whereas my feelings are our parents were imperfect, did the best they could and are a product of their upbringing.
Every time I’m with my sibling it’s a litany of wrongs my mother did. On and on and on.
My mom’s response has been to bend over backwards to please my sibling and to do what they want. I guess to “earn” that love. My mom will say that my sibling is a very persuasive person and it’s hard to say no to. Whereas it’s easier to say no to me because I’m easier and noncombatant.
I know this is very long now. But it’s been therapeutic for me to type out. I’ve been struggling with my own thoughts about my mom so maybe I’m typing things out to explain how we got to where we are.
Honestly apologizing to my kid and saying that I will try to be better. It’s very freeing in a way. I’m giving them a chance to know that I’m not perfect. And that I’ll try to figure it out. Which means not try to give advice and try to be agreeable. It’s not that hard.
7 Likes
I told my husband what you suggested, and he really liked it. He wrote it down. 
4 Likes
Thanks for sharing. I’m so glad my son’s doctor pointed out the tie-in with ADHD. I had no idea. I wish I had understood that when S was 16.
I also wish I had understood misophonia - “Misophonia is a condition characterized by an intense dislike or hatred of specific sounds. These sounds, known as triggers, can evoke strong negative emotions, such as anger, anxiety, or disgust.” S started exhibiting this when he was 16 or so. He would get SO ANGRY at dinner, claiming we were disgusting when we ate. ?? So guess what, I got upset back. S would literally plug his left ear with a finger, and put his right ear down to his shoulder as he ate. I was so baffled. So I looked online and discovered what it was, and tried to be understanding. But of course, S remembers only the early phase, where we got upset at his angry reaction. So we’re horrible people.
3 Likes
None of us are perfect. Like others here, I tend to yield to my kids, (often after initial anger) since I am the parent, and if they express unhappiness with me, I try to listen and not defend myself. As much as humanly possible, and yes it is hard.
There was one time when my son was not communicating after he lost his temper at home. Maybe he was ashamed, or maybe he was defending his blow up in his mind. He had graduated from college and was living on the other coast. Once a month or maybe every two weeks I sent him a short loving message, not asking anything of him, just expressing affection.
Things worked out . Over time, and talking with his sister, he has realized his anger was unfair. His criticism was that I was “too strong” and he has come to see that is the result of an emotionally absent father. It takes years sometimes.
@MaineLonghorn I was concerned when you wrote that in the future you will just be “cordial” with your son in the future. I would suggest letting him discharge his pain and peace will most likely come in time.
My family has one kid with serious medical issues and your family has a kid with schizophrenia. No matter how we try to avoid it, the issues of these kids can affect the other children in the family. I know how hard I tried to balance attention. I am sure you have too.
My sister is estranged from my family- 27 years now. My mother died without seeing my sister again. There is always danger of estrangement and letting ourselves be “wrong” is a small price to pay to avoid that, in my mind.
5 Likes
I find this interesting and need to look into it more. We use to always say my daughter was overly sensitive, and recently I was given a lecture by same daughter as I mentioned her 5 year old was sensitive. I didn’t mean it in a negative way, but that is how my D took it. Seems it has always bothered D when people said that about her, so doesn’t want her D to have the same horrible memories.
D, probably beginning as a teen, would always infer I was saying something I wasn’t. Or if I looked at her as she was coming down the stairs, I must think she was fat; this child is built like a model, so fat is never something anyone would say about her. I would shrug her comments off as being a teen!
If only every child came with a handbook for each and every one of their specific traits; maybe we wouldn’t be blamed for all the damage we seemed to have caused them! I can’t wait to see how GD turns out and if she blames her mother for all the injustice in her life!
Luckily, D and I get along, but she does throw these tidbits out every so often. I assume some of this is brought on from her therapy after her father died and some reading she has been doing.
I know we are getting off track here, but an interesting discussion.
1 Like
This was very interesting and definitely a behavior I have experienced.
I don’t know how I can explain or defend when someone says that you thought they were fat (or ugly) or whatever? It’s so far from the truth. Where did they get this from? The truth was I would be thinking how did I get such beautiful children or nothing at all.
This discussion makes me feel so much less alone. It’s definitely not something I want to talk about with someone IRL. Other than my husband.
3 Likes