<p>My S’s going through a stage. He’s having trouble filling out the form to order his high school cap and gown. He needs to return a gift he got for Christmas which doesn’t work. The SATs, a big final (well, most of the time), none of that bothers him, but fillng out a request for a rebate gets put off for all eternity. He just “doesn’t have time”.</p>
<p>I think this is the kind of procrastination that’s a symptom of just being insecure in a task. Unfortunately, we’re not going to be there to hold his hand or kick his tail when he needs a parking permit or whatever in college next year. </p>
<p>We’ve suggested, encouraged, helped, chided and pushed, but nothing seems to help. Any suggestions?</p>
<p>I would just fill out rebates and some other forms. I feel my sons are tired of demands. I try to make their life a little more simpler. They become angry if I invade myself into their life too much, but sometimes I just (for example) pull up the computer site for applying to a particular dorm and say,“there it is, sit down and do it right now before dinner.” Like have the pen and the form there and say,“right now, before we eat.”
I have lately been annoyed about one son’s messy desk . When we talked about it (me nagging) the point he made was, yeah, I know my desk will be neat when I 'm a working adult, but I’m not that right now, so let me have my space.</p>
<p>This is an emotional and stressful time for students and parents. There is a lot to do, deadlines that had to be met, academic, extra-curricullar and social. Stress often causes us to freeze. Encourage students to take on the smaller easier tasks with the nearest deadline and working off of that success move on to the next one until the pile gets manageable. Sometimes looking at all the work at once is just overwhelming. This strategy will be useful during college when all the papers are due and study groups are forming, just as the play/dance/playoffs are about to start.</p>
<p>There is the added stress of applying for scholarships, not merit aid, but those little local ones which require essays and references. As the deadline approaches. I find myself hand delivering them to the bank or Rotary Club only because my son does not have much of a concept of money- as he has not worked much due to heavy schoolwork and, often required, volunteer work. I fear he will somehow mess the process up. Everything is HIS work, the essay, the references, but I put the things together. I know he should do this too but my student feels so many demands, I feel inclined to set an example.</p>
<p>What is it with boys? Do they have an extra procrastination and disorganization gene? I assume you’ve already pushed and pleaded your way through the application process and now you’re just trying to get him out of high school on speaking terms with the rest of the family. For the issues that fall under the still-living-in-your-house jurisdiction, I would say pick your battles. </p>
<p>After he’s out from under your watchful eyes and helpful hands, you just have to trust that sooner or later responsibility will kick in. For my son, it was a rocky freshman year. His grades came out okay, but suffered a great deal of self imposed anxiety over missed and almost-missed deadlines, lost forms (he even lost an international airplane ticket) and misunderstood instructions. Second year has been MUCH better, so there is definitely hope. The other positive was that the projects that he loved doing and intuitively understood were complete, on time and excellent. This is a pattern that has been consistent since grade school. </p>
<p>Going to a supportive – albeit demanding – LAC was a good decision for my son as he got a lot of help in time management (and some extremely sympathetic second chances for a lapse or two). Am I correct that your son is going to CMU? Wonderful school but for sure kids really work their behinds off. Hopefully your son will get close with some serious studiers, either roommates or nearby upperclassmen who can set the tone.</p>
<p>As for the “little details” like writing that thank-you note to his Aunt (What, were you raised by wolves?) or doing the laundry (What, were you raised. . .etc) I’ve learned to just to let it go. We’ve adopted a don’t ask, don’t tell policy. When we visited mid-year I thought his room was on the down side of post battle of Hastings but kept my mouth shut. A floormate (female) wandered in and said, “Hey ____, you’ve cleaned up your room!” It’s all relative.</p>
<p>Having boys I know what you mean. But I personnally wouldn’t recommend doing the stuff for him. If he cared about getting that rebate, he’d fill it out. If he cared that that gift doesn’t work he’d go return it. It is VERY hard to ignore these things as parents, but as long they are only really hurting him (in a small way at that) I say let him make the calls. Otherwise we as parents just turn into enablers - and that is not the way to raise responsible, mature adults. If it is something important that is getting put off, I simply deny privileges until it is done (car keys, money, internet, etc).</p>
<p>Well, if I thought it was just the stress of all the applications I might back off, but he’s through and in a quiet period until April. Then, too, that wouldn’t explain all the times before he filled out his first application, like at the beginning of school when he couldn’t find time to apply for a parking permit at school and got all those tickets. </p>
<p>I’m probably over-reacting, but the kid has time for all sorts of things and next year with him 1200 miles away, we won’t be in any position to do anything about things like this that go undone. I also have this unrealisitic sense we should be preparing him to deal with life on his own after we kic…, I mean he goes out into the world on his own. :D</p>
<p>My son has some of these same characteristics, but fortunately, he has an excellent sense of just how far he can put off things and still complete them (and in the case of schoolwork, with great quality).</p>
<p>That said, I DO help him with the supporting tasks, such as getting things to the post office and such. The way I see it is this: He spends an inordinate amount of time on academic and college-related endeavors. Instead of playing video games on the weekend, he is off at debate tournaments for the pure love of it. I do not know of one highly successful person who operates in a vacuum with no support whatsoever. Accomplished professionals rely HEAVILY on support personnel for reasons other than their lack of responsibility.</p>
<p>But, I do think that like with so many other matters, one has to consider frequency, intensity, and duration. With my son, there is no paticular pathology in his normal teenage avoidance of some of the more mundane tasks. At this particular moment, I am a SAHM, so I feel that with all he has put into his future, the least I can do for him is to assist him with some of the minor supporting tasks. ~berurah</p>
<p>Strick, I’d turn in the cap & gown form and leave the other stuff up to him. Everything else falls under the heading of navigating his own ship, and either you begin turning this stuff over to him now, or you start making plans to camp out on the lawn in front of his dorm next Fall. :)</p>