The Mother Daughter Relationship/ Deborah Tannen

Parent Cafe
1

<p>This article resonated with me and I wanted to share it:</p>

<p><a href=“http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/01/21/AR2006012100092.html[/url]”>http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/01/21/AR2006012100092.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>"Hair is one of what I call the Big Three that mothers and daughters critique (the other two are clothing and weight). Many women I talked to, on hearing the topic of my book, immediately retrieved offending remarks that they had archived, such as, “I’m so glad you’re not wearing your hair in that frumpy way anymore”; another had asked, “You did that to your hair on purpose?” Yet another told her daughter, after seeing her on television at an important presidential event, “You needed a haircut.”</p>

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<p>Everytime I make the trek to St. Louis to see my mom or visit my son at school, she makes a comment about my hair. I foil my hair blonde and am naturally brown so my mom without fail is always spotting my roots and telling me how dark my hair has become. I’ve found myself making an effort to schedule hair appointments before I go in order to avoid the dreaded hair comments. I even send “hair reports” to my husband to let him know if she has commented or not. </p>

<p>The article is not all about hair - it touches on deeper issues between mothers and daughters that is enlightening and reassuring. I think I will read the book since I am embroiled in my own mother/daughter struggles with a soon to be sixteen year old. She has my mother’s personality and beautiful red hair (which I almost never critique) so it makes life interesting.</p>

2

<p>I meant to post this in the Cafe.</p>

3

<p>liz,</p>

<p>I really like this article, and it surely rings true to me as mother and as daughter. It is helpful to think of reframing and tongue-biting to make sure I don’t absorb unnecessary hurt, or dole it out!</p>

4

<p>I’m a student, and my favorite is with my father. But it was funny, so I’ll share it, anyway. </p>

<p>I come downstairs all dressed up to go to a very fancy party complete with my “little black dress,” makeup (which I never wear), strappy high heels, done up hair–the works. I ask my dad how I look, and he glances up at me and responds: “same as always.” It was a very typical response from him, and he tried to twist it to “you’re beautiful all the time,” but it just didn’t work! :)</p>

5

<p>It doesn’t always have to be the mother who makes the offending comments. My kids are mortified by the way I dress (I hate shopping) and are quick to tell me when it’s time to tough up the gray. Fortunately (for them), they’re all too intelligent to even consider bringing up the question of weight.</p>

6

<p>Good reminders to try to always keep it positive and give those little compliments such as “great haircut” or “you look nice today”. </p>

<p>I also liked the reminder to not try to identify with our kids’ stories with one of our own. When my mother does that I feel like she is making the conversation about her, and not really listening to me; I’m sure our kids feel the same way.</p>

7

<p>My mother has an incredible memory. She’s in her mid-70’s now but remembers things that happened to her as a very young child, the words to hundreds of songs, and some things about my own kids that I’ve forgotten. So, whenever someone has a a little story, she can always dredge up a memory of her own to match it. It does drive me crazy. She’ll hear about how one of my son’s friends got a scholarship and right away go to the, “I didn’t even know about scholarships when I graduated HS, they didn’t tell me!” By the time she has finished her example no one has the heart to point out that we were talking about an actual person now and not something unchangeable that happened 50 plus years ago. I love my Mom dearly but hope that I don’t do the same thing to my daughter.</p>

8

<p>Drat. I read the article and then used the “send email” link on the page to send it to my daughter, with a little note. Then, after I hit the submit button and the my note had escaped in cyberspace… I’m left wondering if there is anything about the way I phrased the note that my daughter could interpret as criticism. Aaaugh.</p>

9

<p>Everyone asks, how at 17 I can truly adore my mother and prefer to spend time with her than almost anyone. I’m starting to understand. For as long as I can remember, she tells me how beautiful I am no matter how I look. She goes to a great deal of trouble to understand how I like to dress and find appropiate gifts. She knows I’m going to be who I choose and fully accepts it. She does everything to make our time together fun. Hope I can do this.</p>

10

<p>Suze, you and your mom seem like a very special pair. You brought a tear to my eye, okay- a couple tears.</p>

<p>Frazzled1- sounds like you did a good job with your kids.</p>

11

<p>Suze, you go to boarding school, don’t you?</p>

12

<p>My mother-in-law, who is 90, STILL has hair issues, so sadly, unless we all decided to go bald, we will still be discussing our hair. She: Does my hair look okay, what about the color, the wind was blowing. Drives her daughters, in there 60s, batty</p>

<p>As for my D, when she turned 12,her hair suddenly got beautiful waves and curls, while all the Mean Girls had straight straight straight hair. My d would cry in the mroning, buy all kinds of hair products, to flatten her hair, she would even spit on her hands during the day to slick her hair flat. Drove me crazy- all the hair drama.</p>

<p>So one day, I took away all her hair products, her pony tale holders (which she would not ever be seen without her hair pulled taut giving her that after the facelift look expression), and told her for one week, she was not allowed to put her hair up except for tests and sports. Needless to say, she was a bit mad at Mommy Dearest. But, of course I knew better.</p>

<p>Well, she walked down the hall, and its, wow, love the hair, look at the color, look at the waves and curls, its so beautiful. And of course the Mean Girls said snide things, but the boys thought it was pretty so that was enough for my DD. So, while all the other girls had this straight flat hair, she had goddess like curls.</p>

<p>It took boys commenting just once to accomplish something I had been trying for a year.</p>

<p>Now, we have my mother and her hair dramas…the discussions about hair are constant in our house- a kind of primative bonding, like mommy monkeys</p>

<p>All that gives me comfort is that I have heard from mothers of sons,who cannot beleive what boys do with their hair, it takes hours in some cases to get that casual look</p>

<p>As they say, hair today, gone tomorrow, or as Dhusband says, better grey than nay</p>

13

<p>Women are certainly hard on other women. My D and I have a good relationship, but it got off track for a while when she was in high school, and I went to a therapist, which really helped me see how I could make things better.</p>

<p>Did anyone see the movie, Match Point yet? There is a really interesting dynamic that happens involving the mom’s reaction to her son’s girlfriend, and then to her daughter’s boyfriend.</p>

14

<p>Although I usually like Ms.Tanner I feel some of this is out of date.
My 18 yr. old & I “work” at our relationship & so far things are good.She has
told me about other girls relationships with their mothers & we talk. I realize
I cannot be her “friend” since my husband & I set the rules but I realized
about 2-3 years ago that she has good “people sense” & we communicate
well. I also had a mom who was a bit critical about clothing so I try to keep quiet unless I can say something nice, I believe in saving myself for major
disputes.</p>

15

<p>Wow… that hits home.</p>

<p>I remember the teen years - “You need to start jogging again; you’re putting on weight.” I run because I’m an athlete, not to please other people. </p>

<p>I was 5’7" and weighed in at 115. </p>

<p>The Hair. Oh, the hair. For those of you who have met me, I have long hair. Like really long hair. It was an epic battle, but ultimately, unless someone was going to snip it during the night, it was going to be long - because it’s part of my body and I’m stubborn. That battle has calmed down (mere skirmishes), but it is still the subject of snide comments. It’s ash blonde - why don’t I dye it platinum? Honey, it would look so much better - can’t I introduce you to my colourist? You should highlight it. Why don’t I cut it to chin length? Shoulder length? Honey, isn’t it too long? When did you last cut it? Oh, two weeks ago? (One of the few times when I’m sure that the comments aren’t about my hair or my clothes or whatever - because it’s clearly not the issue.)</p>

<p>(FWIW, people will occaisonally come up to me and compliment me on my hair. I’m not growing dreds.)</p>

<p>There are women in my family who are experts at reducing my accomplishments to “a consolation prize,” as Ms. Tannen put it. Never mind the engineering degree, top law school, stellar grades - when am I going to find a man? </p>

<p>Reese Witherspoon’s character put it best in Legally Blonde: “I’m never going to be good enough for you, am I?”</p>