I am jealous of all you who were brought up with no or minimal expectations to behave in a certain gender-prescribed way. I remember when I was 9-ish and my sister 15, she had mono. A nice hematologist came to the house once a week to draw blood from her, and I was fascinated that one could see the progress of her disease by looking at her blood. I announced one day that I wanted to be a hematologist and my mother laughed at me.
Years later, when I was struggling with being a biology major, I had no one in my life to tell me, Yes, those courses are hard, but you can do it. Instead, I got, Well, if itās too hard for you, you should change majors.
I notice that most, if not all, the posters who describe growing up in a home with gender flexible attitudes toward child raising are women. Encouraging girls to learn how to achieve in a manās world made a lot of sense when we were growing upā¦heck, probably back in the pioneer days as well. But how much different it was for a boy who wanted to wear dresses or girlie hats, play mostly with girls and girl toys, who wanted to emulate women rather than men. Not so much acceptance then and only slightly better now.
Even the label ātomboyā has no real pejorative connotation ā we all either remember being one in grade school or knew them growing up and they show up favorably in our literature and movies. There is no such affectionate term for boys expressing feminine traits.
I completely agree. In my case, as I said, for the most part I was allowed to do what I wanted as a young child. And, yes, part of that was playing ādress-upā with my 2-years older sister, with her enthusiastic participation ā I guess she viewed me as sort of a doll she could play with! I even went outside with her sometimes that way. My mother actually commented once (long after I knew I had the feelings I did) that in terms of my personality, I āshould have been a girl.ā (Which makes me think that perhaps she could have accepted me as I am, had she lived long enough. Iād like to think so, especially with her 40th yahrzeit coming up soon.)
Really, though, that kind of cross-gender play is not so uncommon among small boys, regardless of whether they have gender identity issues ā I saw it a lot with my son and his friends in preschool and kindergarten. (For example, my son is gay, but very much likes being a guy ā and in his case, I think the interesting effects of puberty reinforced that!)
But my motherās tolerance only went so far. By the time I was 8 or so, and still sufficiently lacked self-consciousness to continue to openly express my gender-different feelings and ask to wear a dress, my mother began to express her disapproval. Not verbally, but we were very close and I could read it on her face. Sort of like eating the apple in the Garden of Eden, because all of a sudden I had an overwhelming realization of the āwrongnessā of how I felt, and never said another word about it, to anyone in the world, for another 30 years at least.
I donāt know how much my father was aware of what was going on ā he was never the most involved father (always working or pursuing his interest in local NYC Democratic politics), and when I finally came out to him, when I was 48 years old and he was in his 80s, he professed to have no recollection of anything like that at all. But there was one time when I was a child, long after I was supposed to be asleep, that I overheard him and my mother arguing in the kitchen (as they often did, unfortunately), and he said something like āWhat are you trying to do? Turn him into a homosexual?ā Not that I had any clear idea of what that was, back then. In any event, he was definitely on the wrong track!
My boys had dolls, a toy kitchen, dress up clothes and many other toys geared toward girls. They did, however, also have the traditional boy toys. I wanted them exposed to both and accepting of everything. They played army with their dolls, concocted potions in the kitchen and turned their legos into guns. You can lead a horse to waterā¦
I only had boys. They played with the toy kitchen and stuffed animals. My older son used to nurse his stuffed pig when he was three or four, but they frequently reverted to boy play - guns and planes and rocketships and trucks. Actually one of the funniest things Iāve seen was when my kid 4 or 5 visited his cousinsā Sunday School, which happened to be all girls that day. They were making sweet little flowers out of beeswax when I left them. When I came back heād turned them all into little boys. They were racing around the room with beeswax rocket ships. The poor teachers looked completely shellshocked.
When my girls were young, I found it funny that the stores had such stereotypical , gender geared toys. The girls had kitchens, ironing boards, shopping carts and vacuum cleaners. What the heck kind of message was that sending to them ? Dream big and become a maid . The boys had power tools and weapons.
Thank goodness for Duplos and Legos !
All three of my girls had different toy preferences. I have a video somewhere of my now 27 year old opening her favorite birthday gift at age three ā¦the Fisher Price Kitchen. That was the jackpot for her ( and she loves to cook still )
She really did love girly toys and frilly thingsā¦my next daughter liked legos and cut the hair off of any Barbie that was given to her. My youngest tended to play with objects that were not toys and treat them like they were action figures, despite having no shortage of dolls to play with.
i think the important message is that it is OK to want what you want. Itās not wrong for a girl to like dolls or play kitchens. But- itās also not wrong for a boy to like them, either.
I got a basketball backboard for my 40th birthday ( yep 4-0) and that seemed normal to my kids.
Unfortunately, there are lots of people out there who are still locked into the stereotypes.
Iāve seen so many people on the Internet today saying things like āwell, if Caitlyn Jenner can say she feels like a woman, why canāt Rachel Dolezal say she feels black, har har har,ā that I thought I should say something. But I donāt want to derail the thread on Dolezal, so Iām putting it hereā¦
I know I shouldnāt really have to explain why itās different, and Iām not very good at articulating that kind of thing anyway. But:
Even if āraceā is a construct in some sense ā since āweāre all one race; we all came from Africa; blah blah blah, etc.,ā and itās true that the way people have been divided into particular races historically, based on vague ideas of geography and skin color and so on, is rather arbitrary ā the fact is that we view someoneās race as being a product not only of appearance and identification and how youāre perceived and (e.g., for African-Americans) having a particular history of shared oppression, but of having a particular biological ancestry. I donāt care how much this woman identified with black people and darkened her skin and did who knows what to her hair, and how much people now perceive her as black, her parents are white and her biological ancestry (as far back as could possibly be meaningful) is white. She canāt change that except by pretending. This isnāt the least little bit like a mixed-race person who does get to choose how they identify and live.
What gender/sex you are has nothing whatsoever to do with your family history or biological ancestry. We all start from the point of having biological elements of male and female, and how you turn out isnāt simply a question of chromosomes but has to do with prenatal hormones, epigenetics, and a lot of other things. And is unrelated to who your parents or grandparents were. Yes, gender expression and gender roles are a social construct (except for pregnancy), but thereās a lot more going on. And just because your parents agreed to assign you to a particular sex/gender at birth doesnāt mean thatās who you are or that you have to accept it as how you want to live. Regardless of whether itās possible yet to establish the particular scientific cause for gender identity differing from gender assignment. Besides, I donāt always disclose my history (because itās nobodyās business given who I currently am, and how I have always felt), but itās not like I affirmatively invent a history of having been raised as a girl! (And even if I did, I think that would be pretty harmless in most circumstances, unless I used that claim to obtain some tangible benefit that required someone actually to have that history.)
The more that people vehemently assert that they are completely different the more they seem potentially similar in some respects, IMHO.
Theoretically at least, there is no reason why a person could not feel āblackā and feel that she had been born into the āwrongā body. Iāve seen people on the internet asserting that āgender is not binaryāāwith which I agreeābut that ārace is not fluidā which is obviously ludicrous. If āraceā isnāt a social construct, I donāt know what is.
Other people I know say this is a case of a person āpassingā to gain advantage.
Personally, I donāt know what to make of it. But I do know that there are a lot of people who seem to be reacting purely on a doctrinal basis.
Erā¦ isnāt this forum like 90% women? Thatās kinda to be expected (Not that I disagree with your other points.)
Fwiw, my spouse was also raised in a relatively gender flexible home. There are some very strict gender roles in his family but they had very flexible gender roles with their kids. My (male) spouse has a lot of VERY feminine attributes and his mom is rather masculine. Both of his brothers also tend to be more āfeminineā than the average American male but he is by far the furthest on the spectrum.
I donāt know what wouldāve happened if he or his brothers wanted to wear dresses. They were all very into theater so costumes and make-up were quite normal. My spouse has worn dresses for a variety of reasons, but not because he ever woke up one day and felt feminine. Then again, I donāt think Iāve woken up and felt the urge to wear a dress since I was about 4. (I literally did not own a dress until ~2 weeks ago.)
To be completely honest, as a female who does not like make-up, dresses, or anything other stereotypically āgirlyā I can completely understand the appeal of male clothes. Pants are so much more durable and adaptable than skirts. Going without make-up and hair products just makes your mornings easier. Etc. Itās hard for me to imagine anyone suddenly deciding that they want to start wearing clothes that need more care when worn (meaning, when youāre wearing a skirt, for example, you have to be careful of what you have under, whether or not itās windy, etc) and expanding your morning routine to include more cosmetics. People tend to try to simplify their lives, not add to them.
Of course, since women were always the skirt wearers here and men the pants, weāll never know if skirts wouldāve expanded if they were āmale.ā (And now I wonder what happened with societies where men were the āskirtā wearersā¦)
Even my sister, who belongs to a quite patriarchal religion, had very eglatarian toys for her kids.
The girls had the same toys as the boys.
My brother however, wouldnt let his daughter from his 2nd marriage cut her hair, and often used language reinforcing " daddys little princess". It was quite nauseating, and made worse ( imo) because her mom didnt seem to disagree.
Some places men are still skirt wearers.
One of Ds high school teachers, is a political figure in his home country. He wore a fugu, which is similar to a dashiki, often floor lenght.
Boys during the Victorian and Edwardian periods, wore both pink & dresses, but not sure if they wore both at the same time!
Until at least 1900, pink was the traditional color for boys (sort of a junior version of manly, bloody red), and blue was for girls (think of the Virgin Mary usually being portrayed in blue).
In Spain, men do wear pink and red pants and shorts. I saw lots of them last month, something Iāve never seen in the U. S.
I think race and gender have a biological side and a cultural side. Biology (DNA and chromosomes) determine race and gender, immutably. However, a person may feel more comfortable in another race or gender thatās different from their biology (for want of a better term).
Some of the descendants of Thomas Jefferson and Sally Hemings lived as black people, some as white (having no idea they had a black ancestress). Children captured and raised by Indians in the Old West naturally felt as though they were Sioux or Apache or whatever regardless of blonde hair and blue eyes.
Itās not a black/white world (pun intended) and I really wish we would look at people as individuals without having everyone have to check a box labelling themselves.
EK - we call our daughter āprincessā in an affectionate way - like āhoneyā or āsweetie.ā Whatās wrong with that? Sheās aware sheās not Kate Middleton or anything.
The princess connotation, goes with a whole line of expectations where the girl is put on a pedestal & not allowed to do things for herself that might be āunfeminineā, difficult or dirty. If you want to treat your girl children like that, it is certainly your choice, but I donāt think kids should have their opportunities narrowed at such a young age.
Well, I disagree that there is any such connotation from using it as a term of endearment. And honestly my D has said she thinks itās sweet.
The other day my H called a patient and when the woman answered, her voice sounded like my D and H was momentarily distracted and said āhi princess!ā and immediately realized his mistake. Everyone laughed. It was funny and cute. I hardly think that my daughter who just graduated from a really top school in a hard major is being pampered or having her opportunities limited and I think people need to stop taking every single word so darn seriously.
Romani- if pants work for you all the time, great. However, it is completely not true that pants are more ādurable and adaptableā than dresses. Sometimes there is nothing easier than throwing on a one piece dress. Not all dresses are frilly. I actually run in running dresses and find them comfortable and practical. And I am far from a stereotype girly girl. And donāt you have to consider what you wear under your pants? Or- maybe not! You seem very quick to impose your preferences on the world as being the only correct way.
(Not that I disagree with your other points.)