The "other" child does notice... but how to handle parents?

Parent Cafe
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<p>I think this is a better place to post than in the main Parents forum. I’ve been happily living on my own, away from whatever family drama happens at home between my 20 year old brother and my parents. I definitely make a point not to be around for an extended period of time when the three of them are at home together because they can get into really nasty arguments. Often I feel hurt because A) I have no idea what the details are behind the argument and B) my parents unconsciously treat me better to assure that they’re still good parents.</p>

<p>I knew something was up when I walked in the door for a school break this past Friday when they began to coddle over me more than usual. It wasn’t until in the morning when my mom seethed how anger and disappointed she was in my brother. He recently had been caught by the local police in possession of pot. Both of them are fed up with my brother’s “I don’t care” attitude towards literally everything- school, his family, his friends, his life, etc. He claims that it’s just “being easy for others” but it’s been argued to him that it demonstrates that he lacks strong opinions. My parents are beginning to speak of withdrawing him from his current private university. His GPA is terrible (2.25 and falling) and he’s chosen a major where he’s pulling Cs and Ds in relevant courses. </p>

<p>Thing is, my parents do see some things but are reluctant to admit the truth and it takes them a while to take serious actions. My mom’s beginning to think there’s something wrong with his brain and frame of thinking.</p>

<p>I have been careful to tread waters with my mother, feeding her information that I have learned from here on CC and my experiences as an university student regarding academics and university rules to help her see what can happen down the road. I also have picked up a lot of signs regarding to his pot and beer use. I have been forcibly silent all this time because it’s either A) I’ve been forced to keep quiet by my family to stay out of their business or B) I’ve already received one silent treatment that lasted for several months from my brother for tattling on him. So in either situation, I just let things play out on their own for that my brother doesn’t always cover his tracks carefully.</p>

<p>My relationship with my brother is largely civil. I’ve pretty much given up on him long, long, long time ago, way back to his sophomore year in high school. Now I just listen and respond to his comments/questions appropriately. He’s just that kind of person who likes to have the last word in an argument even if he’s wrong. </p>

<p>But as a child who sees her parents several times a year and want to keep visits pleasant, how can I deal with:</p>

<p>A) Super-niceness from my parents when it’s, um, for awkward reasons, not good reasons (I’d understand if I accomplished something, not because my brother screwed up). I don’t mind an extra $20 but please, don’t do it out of guilt!</p>

<p>B) My parents’ bickering over my brother and my mom’s rants (accompanied by disappointment). I don’t speak with my father, ever, about my brother’s behavior because he doesn’t believe what happens with him is my business. I just listen to my mother. Both of them do make the point of not comparing us to each other directly as much they want to point out how hard I’ve worked and the things I’ve accomplished.</p>

<p>C) My brother who just doesn’t care about anything, including family. </p>

<p>D) The issue of how his pot/alcohol obsession is hurting our family</p>

<p>Please, any advice or suggestion how I can manage my role as an older sibling is greatly appreciated.</p>

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<p>I’d suggest you may want to see YOUR college counselor & see if they can help you figure out how to handle the situation better from your perspective. It must be extremely awkward for you to be put into the position you seem to find yourself in more often than anyone would like. </p>

<p>Consider contacting Al-Anon to see whether any of their resources might be helpful. They help folks who are loved ones of alcoholics (& problem drinkers). </p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

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<p>Keep in mind that this is a really rough situation for your parents to go through. So don’t judge them too harshly. I agree with speaking with a counselor.
Good luck.</p>

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<p>I do see a counselor but this is something that I haven’t had to talk about in about two years. There is more to the story.</p>

<p>I just wanted to see how other parents have handled a troubled child who is using and how to handle the other one. Also I am home for the break so I just want to be able to leave a peaceful house on Sunday, not a war zone.</p>

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<p>Ticklemepink - There is nothing more humbling than watching your child make bad choices. You feel helpless, frustrated, disappointed, and confused. What helps is having another child who is NOT troubled. It restores your faith in yourself as a parent. What you are feeling isn’t guilt but gratitude: Thank heavens, I can’t be a total failure if this child is doing well. Maybe I made mistakes, but I did something right</p>

<p>So, what are you to do? When your mom starts on a rant - I would say something to the effect that you understand why she’s frustrated, but you want to have a good relationship with your brother and you don’t want to mess it up by talking about him with her. Actually, saying something like - someday when this is over, …Might give your mom hope.</p>

<p>As to your relationship with your brother - I would make it clear to him that whatever goes on with your folks is between them, not you. </p>

<p>Hang in there, this can’t be easy!</p>

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<p>“I just wanted to see how other parents have handled a troubled child who is using and how to handle the other one”</p>

<p>When my older S was making very bad decision, it literally almost killed me. I wound up in the hospital with chest pains. I thought I was having a heart attack, but it ended up that I was severely depressed.</p>

<p>H and I did get into counseling. We also put younger S into counseling (He was having some grade problems, but never had the kind of behavior problems that older S had).</p>

<p>Younger S was helpful to me by telling me – repeatedly – that older S’s decisions were not my fault.</p>

<p>I think that all thoughtful parents scrutinize their own parenting when their kids make bad decisions. I certainly did that, and literally obsessed over my parenting of older S. I also was being blamed by in-laws for older S’s problems. </p>

<p>Younger S and my H and therapists helped by telling me that there was no indication that I had done anything that caused older S to make bad choices.</p>

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<p>Hmmm, are you my daughter? </p>

<p>I am sorry that you are going through this. This situation has been an issue in our family for several years as well. My son is currently in a rehab center for his substance abuse issues. I have encouraged D to seek support through Al-Anon and would encourage you to do the same. </p>

<p>I would also echo worknprogress’ comments. As a parent it is natural to blame yourself for some shortcoming in your parenting — and to look at another child who is successful and accomplished as a way of validating your parenting technique- see, look! I have another child who isn’t a screw-up! Your parents need counseling to develop new ways to deal with your brother. It isn’t fair to put you in the middle. That probably doesn’t help a great deal, but I understand. I hope it gets better.</p>

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<p>Maybe you could tell your mom about this forum? There are many parents here who could give her valuable advice. She would also see that she is not the “only” good parent with a kid in trouble, and that some others got through it.</p>

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<p>I would normally not discuss this on a public forum but if your brother is amenable to chromosomal testing (just a mouth swab) he may possibly find the key to his behavior. One of my Ss was tested in rehab and we finally had an answer to why he was his own worst enemy. It doesn’t go away, he has had his ups and downs since but now we at least have an explanation and some insight into his baffling situation.</p>

<p>It is tough on the siblings. S is the oldest. Every new h.s. class the others took, the teacher would say “Oh, you’re S’s brother (or sister).” The kids learned to answer immediately “Yes, and I’m not like him.”</p>

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<p>Hmm I was you about 20 years ago…A student, responsible and self-directed with pot-smoking almost flunk out of college brother (but older). He went from pot to h ard drugs early in college and almost flunked out sophmore year.</p>

<p>OK my brother pulled out of his tail spin but very slowly --drugs, even pot, really messes up your learning ability-- mainly because my parents tried really hard to find something positive about him even during the darkest hours. My brother was a very attractive kid with a good sense of humor (sometimes) but he was very morose/angry/unpleasant young man in his late teens and early 20’s. It was hard to find something nice to say about him.</p>

<p>My father’s attitude was particularly important because he is an extremely successful scientist (world renown)…so brother essentially felt a failure before he started (he struggled with dyslexia --still does). Is your father successful? does he make your brother feel stupid, even inadvertantly? My father really tried to take an interest in my brother’s major (English?! for a dyslexic?)–read his senior thesis, read some of the same books-- and actually supported his choice of such an odd, challenging major. Much later, having proved that he could major in something totally different from Dad and me so as not to be compared, my brother felt confident enought to admit that he is actually more of a math/science person (we all are) and Dad supported a second degree in Engineering that was more successful. It has been slow trajectory with some painful regressive moments, but my brother is now gainfully employed with a lovely wife and child…who’d have guessed…</p>

<p>My brother and I now have a very good relationship although he actively hated me for being the easy kid…jealous and resentful.</p>

<p>How did I help? My very existence was like salt on a wound for my brother since it reasurred my parents they did something right and it emphasized to my brother that his problems were his own making, not his parents. I never told my parents how to handle it, but I think my best contribution was not rubbing in my successes, not gloating, NEVER comparing us or offering unsolicited advice from baby sister (how humiliating). Most importantly, he says now, even in his worst moments, he felt like I admired him (he doesn’t really understand this but it is a baby sister thing). It may be hard for you as the oldest to make him feel like you admire and depend on him, but that is what he needs. Ask HIM for advice, ask HIM his opinion, ask HIM to go with you to do errands for parents…plan a party for their anniversary…Later, share some of your fears/problems…I used to ask for advice about boys and definitely made him feel like I at least wanted to know what he thought…The relationhsip with your brother should last longer than the one with your parents so invest in it now and think how much you are going to need him when your parents age and die. I thank goodness every day that I am not an only child and I know he now feels the same.</p>

<p>Sorry so long but last observation…I think my sister-in-law keeps him on the positive trajectory (once an addict, always an addict) by always, always expressing love and admiration for him, particularly around family. They can really go at it fighting over silly stuff but never have I heard her treat him with disrespect and she often boasts to us and her family about his successess at his job, home renovations, etc although she has to be one of the smartest people I have ever met (perhaps a genius) but never makes my brother feel stupid.</p>

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<p>Wow, some great suggestions here! Sounds like you had a great strategy with your brother that worked quite well. So glad your brother married such a gem! She sounds like a wonderful person!</p>

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<p>I truly connect with this paragraph because my family also was brother-heavy, and he had Issues as well as tremendous talents. I understood the reasons but couldn’t solve any of my brothers’ woes. It made me uncomfortable and unhappy to visit home for a refreshing bath of brother-troubles and see my parents wrecked over it, year after year. At your age, all I wanted was to be able to conduct a balanced relationship with everyone around me and get on with my life a bit.</p>

<p>In your family, perhaps there’s a gender thing going on where your Dad suffers in silence while your Mom needs to talk more. So when you, DD, come home, splat, there goes the rant into your ear. Does she have a counselor or close friend to hear things out? If not, suggest she get that ongoing support. Al-Anon might also be that for her.</p>

<p>Your Dad obviously has limits, and those aren’t always wrong either. Sometimes it’s just “enough said” and he’s done his listening, can’t stand to rehash it. Women rehash as they find it helpful, so you – the daughter-- get mom’s rant.</p>

<p>They obviously love you, and not just for your accomplishments and ease-of-upbringing. Can you say to your Mom, “I know it’s really rough for you. I’m so sorry. But it’s really making me uncomfortable to hear my brother maligned and how much he hurts you. I’m trying to see his better side these days, and it’s not easy for me to hear this – again. It drains me because I can’t offer anything to help, for now, except to say it will improve someday because it has to. For my sake, can we not go there tonight?” Then offer to take her out to a comedy, leave the house together, and do something fun. I bet she hasn’t had fun for a while. </p>

<p>WIth limited success, I finally had to draw a big mental circle around the brother and my parents and say, “that’s what they’re doing.” They are your family of origin but engaged in a complex dance that sucks out their energy. I’m saying I think you can let them grace you with praise or compliments (that does help them feel better) but not have to endure your Mom’s long venting beyond the point you can manage.</p>

<p>All this is just a short-term strategy to get you through this week at home and leave on good terms, as you asked in your OP. The problems are much deeper, obviously.</p>

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<p>Thank you, thank you, thank you to all of you for your suggestions. They are excellent! I also did some searching on these forums as well to see if anyone else had dealt with similar situation. I did learn more about how to handle having pot in the house and how pot affects certain things, including financial aid.</p>

<p>Fortunately my mom and I drove today for a road trip so we got to talk a lot. And then my brother called in middle to discuss a few things regarding his break, my mom eventually gave him an earful of things I’ve always, always wanted to say in his face regarding his behavior and attitude towards law, pot, school, etc. I congratulated her after she hung up and I think she felt good afterwards. I was surprised that my brother was willing to have an honest discussion with her. </p>

<p>I think the real trigger was me mentioning how his “misdemeanor” with pot can take away federal aid, leaving our family high and dry for next academic year. Because without fin aid, my parents can’t afford to send him back to his private college.</p>

<p>Now they just have to figure out the next step: what to do about next year.</p>

<p>I did suggest therapy as some of you did. Mom’s considered it but my dad believes it’s all stupid. Mom’s also planning to have a psychiatry evaluation, even though my dad doesn’t want to deal with those kind of people. Also my dad’s reluctant to deal with the attorney again. But now with this misdemeanor, he will just have to suck it up and have to take constructive steps towards bettering the situation including evaluation. I’ll try to suggest a chromosomal testing given that pot might affect some things (can 3 years of use do that much damage yet?)</p>

<p>I did request to my mother that for one day that we are all together that everyone to behave and I hope that my parents will honor it. But I’m sure that all hell will be loose when I leave the hosue and well, I don’t have to hear it all!</p>

<p>I feel better now that my mom’s taken courage to speak up and give my brother a long but to the point speech about his life and how his choices have affected his own life and relationship with his family. My dad does yell at him for being stupid but will generally turn a blind-eye, believing that if he can support my brother, things will turn out okay. Otherwise, he’s “done” with him. But I do think that this particular possiblity of not being able to return to school in the fall has woken everyone up that it’s time to face the reality and solve the problem.</p>

<p>Again, thanks all for great suggestions and stories that I can relate to.</p>

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<p>Ticklemepink,</p>

<p>Are you sure you are not my daughter? I am sure that she could have written exactly what you said word for word. It is a very difficult family situation that you are in. </p>

<p>In regards to your Dad not discussing the problems with you, I believe he is trying to protect you from worry and to protect you from further damaging your relationship with your brother. My H has said more than once that we need to make sure that the heavy weight of S1’s problems don’t fall on D or S2. To the point that when S2 found out that S1 was on probation for a misdemeanor, S2 was really hurt and angry that we didn’t tell him. We didn’t tell him to protect him, but because we felt S1 needed the love and support that only a younger brother can give. We were afraid he would get mad at S1. It was wrong. We, as parents, do stupid things sometimes for what we think are the right reasons.</p>

<p>Our S1 is trying to get his act together. We are supporting him as best that we can. Lots of failed classes, a court date, lawyer fees, a rehab class… all of these we hope will help. Mostly, we are still “loving the kid on the couch” even if he is not a “kid” anymore. Some days that is easier than others. My D is 17 going on 22 and S1 is 20 going on 15. the difference in maturity is remarkable. But, we see growth in S1, not as fast as we would like, but it’s there.</p>

<p>Do I coddle my D? Probably every now and again. It’s not often that I have to reprimand her or correct much of anything that she does. She tells where she is going, she comes home on time. She works hard in school, gets good grades, has a lovely set of friends… I enjoy being with her. I have been known to offer her more money than she needs when she is out. She makes me happy and I would like to see her happy. So, I think, “If I give her a little extra she can do/buy something to make herself happier and life easier”. Perhaps, this is a stupid parent thing too. But, it makes me happy when she happy and life is easy for her. </p>

<p>I wish you luck with your brother. I really hope it turns out well! Remember to “love the kid on the couch”! I am sure he could use it (this is not always easy…)</p>

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<p>I would put it differently:</p>

<p>Without financial aid he can’t go back to his private college.</p>

<p>The main actor here being him, not your parents.</p>

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<p>The therapy. I presume, is for him, not for your parents. What does your brother say about therapy? </p>

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<p>An evaluation of herself and your dad? </p>

<p>Therapy for them probably would be useful, actually. </p>

<p>I think that many of us here–given the grades and the problems with the law–would not be sending him back to the private college, period, regardless of what happens with financial aid, until he took responsibility for his actions and got his act together. </p>

<p>If his choices could have actual consequences for him, he might make better choices.</p>

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<p>“I think the real trigger was me mentioning how his “misdemeanor” with pot can take away federal aid, leaving our family high and dry for next academic year. Because without fin aid, my parents can’t afford to send him back to his private college.”</p>

<p>Your brother, not your family, would be high and dry. There’s absolutely no reason for your family to have to sacrifice to pay to make up the benefits that your brother’s illegal action lost. This may mean that your brother has to transfer to a college that he can commute to, but that’s the natural consequences of his actions…</p>

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<p>MuppetMom- I might as well be your 17 y.o. daughter! Thank you for your perspective and I do think that it’s where my mom is coming from with the extra money thing. :)</p>

<p>My parents are still furious and are at odds over what to do with him. Both want to handle the situation in different ways. My dad’s greatest fear is that my brother will enlist in the Navy and be shipped off to Iraq or Afghanistan if he can’t go back to school. Therefore, he’d rather just keep my brother in school just to avoid the whole Navy thing. What makes this even trickier is that my brother is a sophomore so he’s fulfilled most of his graduation requirements that a CC may not be a viable solution in keeping him at school. Also, he has a 2.2 GPA which I doubt will be acceptable for a transfer to a SUNY school. My mom’s in favor of pulling him out of school, having him evaluated, and giving him the support he needs to get his life back together. </p>

<p>Also, therapy is not something that my brother is interested in doing at the moment. It’s been suggested recently. He’s already tried (by force) in high school when he had similar issues but the therapist reported that he doesn’t talk. My brother is just a very, very private person. Once he starts talking, you just have to put your life on pause and listen to him. That’s how rare it happens. You can move heaven and earth to get him to talk and he’s not going to open his mouth. He just keeps everything inside him and we can see it in his motions that something’s bothering him but he doesn’t want to talk about it. So therapy? I don’t think so unfortunately. <em>sigh</em></p>

<p>I do hope for the best for all of them including my thick-skulled brother who’s pretty bright himself. It’s just feels like I’m the only one of everyone I know who is dealing with this kind of family drama so it’s good to hear that other parents have been through it with their other children.</p>

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<p>A lot of CCs have some vocational 2-year prograns & MAY have something that might appeal to your brother. I was surprised by the range of options when my D was attending CC, including many in healthcare professions, paralegals & other fields. It helps an individual explore whether that is really something the person wants to pursue.</p>

<p>Getting into the military isn’t a given any more either. It can be pretty competitive, since so many are applying.</p>