I refused the mommy track and tried to shoe-horn my very-late-in-life surprise kid into my career. Don’t regret your choices, @Asperiation.
@Aspieration your post spoke to me and I so relate to how you’re feeling. Whenever those thoughts creep into my mind…the doubt, the regret, the frustration of not living up to your full potential career-wise I take a step back and think this is how it was supposed to turn out. Because I sacrificed my career to raise my kids, they turned out to be pretty great kids that will contribute in a positive way to society. I’m content and grateful for where I am personally, but in my career I’m still striving to excel at my job and want to advance now that my kids are older. Sounds crazy but that’s where my heart is.
IMO, either choice you make in parenting during the early years is going to be one in which you can’t have your cake and eat it too.
From a different perspective, sometimes those who have been highly invested in their career have a tough time with their identity when they retire. I have no idea of who I’m going to be or what I will do when that time comes. I’m trying to figure that out, but I’m not even close to that point yet.
My DH has reinvented himself numerous times. He used to be an editor, working at some well-known sports magazines. Then he started his own sports magazine with some professional colleagues. Then he gave up magazine work and began to teach his sport. He still does that, but he has also (at age 67) begun creating sculptures of found objects and painting some fantastic things.
I worked my entire life, squeezing the two kids into my working life, but I never became as high up as I think I should have. However, I don’t blame my choice of having to parent during those years; I blame the company’s prejudice against women and against working mothers in particular. I do regret not having risen to the level I think I could have handled, but I don’t think it’s due to my choices. It’s due to the company’s prejudices.
I think I just have to keep reminding myself that work satisfaction is broad-brush: it’s scientific research which I love and it’s cancer research which is needed an it’s walkable which is a very nice perk. The pay is great and the hours are flexible. I’m well aware that most people don’t have half of these benefits rolled up into a single job.
Whatever comes down the road, my cv gives me options.
A lot has to do with how you define success and happiness.
Yes, at your current age, you may be realizing that the choices you made (or life made for you) years ago may have closed some of the doors forever.
I haven’t been in the workforce for many years. At first, it was a conscious choice to sacrifice the additional income, as we moved to be closer to aging family members when I was pregnant, and since DH got a better job we were able to make it work for a while. The plan was for me to be a SAHM for a few years, but during my last pregnancy my medical issues developed and I have been unable to return to the workforce.
A close friend I volunteer with helped me accept this new reality of my situation, when she told me “Don’t regret the choices you make, or that life makes for you. You are lucky to learn at a young enough age that it is more important to think about your next choices, instead of rehashing your prior choices.” She went on to tell me that "When I graduated with an art degree, my dad told me that, well, because of the choices I made, I won’t ever be an astronaut. The fact that she was then in her 60’s and 80 lbs overweight made us both chuckle, but the point stayed with me. I have shared it with my pups as it helps them accept the choices they make, and to focus on what to do in the present. Keep both short-term and long-term goals in mind, and periodically reflect on and revise them. Count your blessings.
As for the emergency trips to Michaels Crafts for the posterboard for the oops I forgot project - this made me chuckle. I was always the type of mom to plan ahead, and buy extras of all of this stuff with the 50% off coupons, etc… Our neighbor’s kids are much younger than ours, and just last week, I ran into the neighbor in the supermarket - she was buying some of this stuff. I told her to put it back, and when we got home, I got to clean out the closet and bring them my stockpile. Now I have closet shelf space again!
Totally normal to have days where we say ‘how the heck did my life turn out like this’. If the days become weeks and months, that’s a problem. Keep looking for the positives. Your kids will be with you forever, your job not.
I’ve become disenchanted with work. I literally worked all Easter weekend on a project - as I completed drawings, I emailed them to the architect, who reviewed them and sent them back to me with comments. We were both pleased with how fast and well everything came together. I completed my part on Monday. By Tuesday, my client was telling me we needed to “work miracles” to get another project out quickly. I informed him I would do my best, but I was taking the next weekend off! And yes, I will be gone for three full weeks in June, even though I also took two weeks off in February! I work long weeks and weekends for these people and need good breaks. I used to care what people thought, but no longer. I’m good at what I do and don’t make apologies anymore.
“I’m good at what I do and don’t make apologies anymore.”
@MaineLonghorn LOVE this attitude. And you know what? The discerning client will respect it. He/she may not LIKE it… but will respect it.
That attitude only comes when we realize our worth and don’t desperately need to prove ourselves anymore.
Interesting and apropos piece!
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/05/04/opinion/upside-envy.html
When my daughter was 3, I left my NYC job-a very desirable job at a very desirable company-and decided I would take a year to consult/freelance and see what happened. I ended up with a successful consulting business, working from home, and doing a fair bit of travel. I was happy with that. A few years ago, my #1 client brought me on as an employee. They are based in Switzerland, I’m their one employee here in the USA, still working from home! It’s a much smaller company than my old NYC employer, but still in the same playing field. My old work BFF (single, no kids) stayed in one place and has risen up, is a corporate VP in charge of a dept of people and has the job I aspired to…I miss the being part of the big game…defining our business. I miss it. I hear you on the thrill of creating. I’ve been wrestling with similar feelings to yours for the last two years, and I think I am almost resolved. What I have realized just recently is that I am lucky to have this balance between work and family. I am pretty sure that I could go back to work at my old company, and it might never be enough-because I am the sort of person who pushes themselves and always feels like I should be more. That’s my problem-and I’m working on it. Because I have built a really good life-instead of berating myself about where I went off track, I need to enjoy this life I am living. I also had a few interviews, where I realized what I’d give up if I did take my work to the next level-and I think that even if it’s what I wanted at 30-it’s not what I want at almost 50. I’ve changed! Bet you have, too! And as someone posted upthread-I see myself pushing now-and I question why I need the validation of “the big job” or the title. I don’t think I need it anymore. My job doesn’t completely define me.
My boss made a big speech to me yesterday about how valuable I am to her. That gave me a big boost.
Feeling appreciated goes a LONG way.
S1 can now count from 1 to 19 in Japanese (including alternates for 4 and 9).
I keep coming back to one of my favorite Jame Taylor lines: “The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time . . .”
I am a big believer that you can’t have it all. Or you certainly can’t have it all at once. And you never know what life will throw at you. I have 2 close friends whose children had major physical health issues from birth on, that were not diagnosed in utero. Gone were the plans to go right back into the work force and have the kid in a group daycare. IN one case, surgery was needed. In another, the child could not be in a group setting for several years, so jobs got rearranged, care plans got re-thought etc.
I was on a fast track job and left it when my S was born. I missed my job a lot but I enjoyed my new job at home. Now I am back working at a job I love. I have enjoyed the passage of time over these last 20+ years.
Do I have as much money as I could have? No. Do I have an impressive a title as I might have? No. But I have, for the most part, enjoyed my days and I was able to be there thru health crises of my daughter.
I don’t want this to sound like it’s veering into Mommy Wars territory - because I truly believe these feelings and concepts apply to both men and women. Society just makes it a little easier for men to go on with their same life even after children are born.
My advice is to really figure out the best way you can “enjoy the passage of time.”
Nobody can ever know what would have happened if they had taken the other road.
At the beginning of my career, I was being groomed for management but wanted to be a famous trial attorney instead. I am a trial attorney and I have a good reputation in my limited circle (for over 20 years, I have worked and tried cases in one county of NYC) but I never became famous. That stopped bothering me when I realized exactly how much I detest having my picture taken, lol. I also never pursued management because, at both companies I have worked for, managers are always being photographed for the in house newsletter. That’s not the main reason but it’s a large deterrent, as is the idea of firing people. I can handle interviewing and hiring and enjoy training but firing is just beyond my capability.
As for the “mommy wars,” I really didn’t think I wanted to have kids until I was passed over for a promotion. I had my first child about one year after I was passed up. I realized on my maternity leave that I was not cut out for SAHM. I kept waiting for that OMG, I MUST stay home and nurture this tiny soul feeling, but all I got was OMG, you want ME to play in the dirt? I ultimately had 5 kids in 8 1/2 years, which I was able to do because I didn’t have management duties and because my H, who’s much less ambitious career wise, embraced being a SAHD.
Now, as I reach the latter part of my career (I am in my late 50’s), I slightly regret not being in management because I think that I would work longer if I didn’t have to try cases so much. I love the intellectual challenge and mental stimulation, but the physical energy and strength required is exhausting at this point. I feel that I could have gone higher but I deliberately chose not to be on that track. When I really ponder it, I don’t regret that choice. In my mid-career, I would have been miserable as a manager. I just feel sad because I see a man 10 years younger than me being groomed for the management job I really want (supervising and training support staff - I put myself through college and law school as a legal secretary and I understand support staff in a way many attorneys don’t). and I feel like I will have to leave my company if he gets promoted to be my boss (my boss is 3 years older than I am and I am guessing she will leave when she reaches Medicare age).
That said, I do have somewhat of a plan for the next stage and it’s to go into practice with a long time friend who is in private practice. I can also continue to do some work for my current company and can easily find per diem work
What isn’t productive is saying what if unless you are at a point where you can change things.
From the NY Times article: “If Socrates was right and the unexamined life is not worth living, then surely we should examine our feelings to find what we really care about as opposed to what we would like to think we care about.”
I actually don’t think it is necessarily the case that you are feeling envy. I think it might be more wistfulness.
It’s natural to look back on the path not taken and consider what might have been.
Some careers lend themselves better to having a family than others. But what if you are more inspired by, and have the skill set, for a career that is very competitive and attracts many who are willing to make work life their top priority?
Would you choose the family compatible work, even though it interests you less? Or do you want to run with the competitive crowd, and have to acknowledge that you will not fare as well if it is not your top priority?
Also, I note that the OP was pleased to feel appreciated. I suspect that many with their eye on the prize (CEO, partner at a law firm, tenured professor) have that low on their list of what will satisfy their ambition.
I may wish I could live in that million dollar home, but I must also acknowledge the kind of work commitment required to earn the sort of money that pays for it – and also acknowledge that I personally could never have had that kind of work commitment and experienced much of what I value and what gives me happiness.
Finally – chance plays much more of a role in life than we might like to admit. We can’t anticipate everything and make all the decisions necessary to control our life outcomes.
@fendrock , this is SUCH a lovely and reflective post – I can truly relate and appreciate each word. I took time to compose this post because I consider this just equally important and valuable for myself as for OP.
Overall, I am extremely fortunate and quite successful in my career. I raised to a mid-level management position in one of the most desired companies in my field. Over the years, I built a great team, feel respected and valued for my work and have appreciative managers who listen to me. I have resources and independence to do what I want, and I am given enough responsibility to make high impact decisions. I have necessary skills, physical and mental capacity to keep up with my highly competitive and fast-paced working environment. I am also very fortunate in my personal life, with bright, accomplished and loving kids and a supportive husband (who is also successful professionally, so we can understand and support each other on that front).
While I’d like to think that all of these came from careful planning and hard work, in reality virtually all important milestones and decisions in my career happened by chance, and, in retrospect, they were not well planned and thought-through. Yet everything fell into place at the end.
In spite of all of the positives, as time passes by I start feeling more and more unsettled and contemplate changes. Similar to other posters, I resent been passed for promotions by younger people. I often feel burnt and I question whether I really want and need to continue dealing with this daily pressure any longer. Although I have a great team, managing many people is always demanding and stressful, and I must resolve conflicts and find solutions almost every day.
I am pretty sure that many women develop similar thoughts and feelings at a certain life stage regardless of where they stand on a career ladder. In part, this must be due to becoming more wise and mature to assess and reflect. In part, due to recognizing how little time we have left to remain productive and creative before intellectual and physical declines start setting in. And in part, due to having more and more time on hands as kids and household demands require less and less involvement.
While I know for certain that changing companies and positions would give me much higher title, payscale and responsibilities, I also recognize that I may not be ready for all these changes. I value my easy commute, my old-time connections and reputation which came with seniority, my independence, job security, as well as great benefits and long vacations, which allowed our family to take lots and lots of amazing worldwide trips while the kids were still very young.
Besides, and equally important, deep in my heart I know that I may not be ready for a high-level position. I am not prepared to make many unpopular decisions and to own them. I have little confidence to deal with ambiguity and uncertainties. I am not good at making high-impact decisions with little information. I refuse to participate in office politics and power struggle. But, more importantly, I may simply not have enough talent to keep up with the demands and responsibilities of higher position levels. While talking heads and armchair quarterbacks may say all they want about our multimillioner CEO and CSO, every one of our employees, from janitor to VP, would say that they earned and deserve every fricking dollar. So, I am good with where I am and who I am.
My advice to OP is to stop worrying about the past or future things she cannot control and focus on her present. Instead of dreaming about coulda woulda shoulda, strive to be the best person you can be and do the best job you can do today. All of the big and important things in life are done by little people doing their job well. You certainly have skills and opportunities to make a difference in others’ lives, and you are making this happen every day. Embrace this, give yourself some credit, and be proud of who you are today. You never know where your life will take you tomorrow – you may be pleasantly surprised.
@mycupoftea: Great post!!
Obviously I don’t know you or your talents, but I’d be careful about your assuming you “may not be ready for a high-level position” and that you “may simply not have enough talent.” In fact no one is ever truly ready for the next position. Everyone learns on the job when they’re given greater responsibility. You may choose not to want such a position, which is completely valid, but just consider whether your assumption could be stemming from something else.
I’m trying to coax myself into reframing things, glass half full.
It is easy to sink into pity-party mode.
WHY does S1 have Aspergers?
WHY isn’t H more fatherly?
Those are the big ones that act as emotional black holes for me, once I get close I get sucked in.
How does one defeat this defeatist thinking?
The self-pep talk - I admit - is not really effective.
I’m thinking that maybe I try to plant happiness bombs in my life. A bomb blows up everything. It consumes. Like Thursday night, I’m going to see a movie and make it happen (like you make doctor’s appointments happen). Then no matter how underwater I get, I can look forward to – and when I get there ENJOY – Thursday night. Or Saturday afternoon I’m taking S2 to the park for a few hours. And during that time I will FORGET about everything else and just ENJOY S2.
Happiness bombs. I’m going to try it.
And why does your H get to focus on his career and you don’t? I’m guessing that would bother me if I were in your situation.