Maybe S1 has Asperger’s because your H is a carrier? From your descriptions of him, he sounds like someone who is not warm and cuddly, who has to be told and shown many times that you need help, but who will step up when he logically understands why it’s necessary, but is not emotionally available.
@rosered55 @techmom99 Long story short, yes H has spectrum traits, very high functioning (he is an extremely successful medical research professor). In the early days of his career, I provided him with a lot of job coaching. Nothing a good friend wouldn’t tell you: have a career strategy, pick your battles, nothing negative in writing, give people the benefit of the doubt on first offence only, under-promise and over-deliver, build your network, broaden your skill set, keep an eye on trends. There is a circular logic to his success: he has claimed (justifiably) that because tenure is an all-or-nothing game, he had to work intensively when the kids were babies/toddlers/little kids. Once tenured, he took up distance running and now runs marathons (he ran one today). He travels a lot, on average two trips per month, one 2-3 days one 5-7 days. Every other month he’s gone more than a week. Work, travel and running take up most of his time. Because he does not have a lot of bonds with the kids, and I have two noisy boys and we eschew tvs, ipads, screens, etc., he gets overwhelmed at home. ESPECIALLY when he comes back from travel. When you’ve had days upon days of hotels, meals out, business class flights and total control over you time, the chaos of family life is jarring. He openly admits he enjoys work trips – looks forward to them and extends them when he can to sightsee (e.g. he vacationed in Nepal after a conference in China). He also says “running keeps him sane” and refuses to curtail (or delay a decade) his newfound passion. He is OK with one kid, but I would not leave him with both boys for a whole day. He gets too flustered and does not model good behavior (has meltdowns).
He does all of our family finances. When home, he does laundry (he does not know where the boys laundry goes, or whose pants are whose, so that just gets folded which is still a help), empties the dishwasher, packs lunches and cooks (when home). He takes S2 to school (when home).
I do everything else. The bread and butter of family life isn’t really his “thing” is the best way my brain has been able to categorize it. He doesn’t really “know” the kids: their friends, likes, latest interests, the minutia of their lives. I have tried everything including couples therapy. The therapist gave him “homework” to spend five mins per day 1:1 with each boy. That was too much.
Our “deal” is he does whatever he wants: works, travels, runs marathons in beautiful European cities (no exaggeration) and I take care of the kids, work full time (basic science research) and try to keep us all going.
Any other arrangement was too much for him, too much rage (on his part), too damaging for the kids to witness. He’s happy with his current deal. And happy is better than angry.
I recall the back story about your husband. I understand the compromises you’ve chosen to make, but I’m guessing they still hurt.
Hasn’t everyone made compromises?
H would travel more if he could. So he considers his travel schedule a compromise. He also would like the freedom to move to a different university (he is sought after) but because S1 is – after five years of school turmoil – settled in school no way are we moving. So he considers that a compromise.
All good things to discuss with your therapist! I hope your first appointment went well.
^^^Agree with Midwest67.
You need to find something to incorporate in your life that is pleasurable for you and make the time, (even if it means hiring a babysitter. It doesn’t sound like that would be a financial hardship. You mentioned going to a movie, if love movies, then make it a priority to have a movie night/afternoon for yourself every week and don’t skip it. Do you have friends with whom you could have a night out–without your husband. You deserve time to do whatever you want without having to deal with your household issues. It will keep you sane–you need that as much as your spouse.
Are you comparing your accomplishments with those of your husband, and concluding you are less accomplished? Sounds like you are capable of doing his job, but he is not capable of doing yours. Maybe I am off base here.
@busyparent I often ask myself what I could have been if I had not been experienced the perfect storm of an absentee H and a SN child. That said, I think I would not have the depth of relationship with my children (both) were it not for S1’s SN status. H has provided S1 with amazing health insurance. I’m well aware that BIG jobs can eat your life and while I have a good job, it’s not a life-eating one. I take weekends off and pick up S2 from school every day. I’m not tied to my phone. I still do wonder sometimes what a more intense work life would have been like for me.
I fear you are selling yourself short. It sounds to me like you are succeeding at two full time jobs with one of them being very BIG indeed. Introspective people experience days where we wonder about the road not taken. As long as those thoughts don’t overwhelm us or last too long, they are normal. I see you writing a best seller with your son 1 some day.
This is hitting so many nerves for me I can’t even start writing about my experiences.
Over the years I realized most people have their own challenges in life we don’t usually see. I have a friend who used to be a top manager in a well-known company and retired early and rich, but never found time to have kids. I knew couples which looked perfect up to the moment they divorced. I had a friend who called me to share his happiness when he was planning to marry and just found a great new job, and I was then staying home 24/7 with a disabled child, sure that my life is over and really bitter to hear him go on and on. In a few months both he and his fiancee died in a mountaineering accident. There are so many perfect storms going on all around us. I still haven’t learned to appreciate what I have, but I learned to avoid “what if” questions, because the possibilities, both good and bad, are endless and you can only live one life.
I suspect my experience is extremely common.
All too common.
This podcast seems pertinent: http://www.wbur.org/dearsugar/2018/05/05/emotional-labor-invisible-work
I just listened. Thanks for posting the link. No wonder I’m so burnt out! 
Fantastic podcast and I certainly fall into the trap of “well, it could be worse.”
This resonated (11:20 in the podcast): that you have to manage your spouses emotional response to calling out the domestic asymmetry (or dare I say injustice) because they will call out the five or six things they did this week and get defensive.
On theme: this laundry powder ad always makes me choke up.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vwW0X9f0mME
Like the father in this ad, my own father thinks my deal with H stinks. To which I always reply, “Well? What can I do?”
Because at the bottom of it all, I don’t think mothers would ever risk the well-being, the care, the nurturing of her own children just to prove to their husbands that they need to step up.
It’s not like I can just go on strike. When I ask for more (teach S2 to throw a ball), I get at best a tepid agreement and no follow-through which then becomes something else on my list to manage.
I tell H that we are poorly paired as co-parents and without saying out outright he suggests we should have stuck with being just married.
S1 asked H for a Netti pot last night. Feeling a bit spirited, I just texted this to H.
“Don’t forget to pick up a Netti pot for [S1] and think about how to teach him to use one that will not cause him distress. This is a bonding opportunity.
This message brought to you by your family emotional caregiving manager
You have saved 500 hours of emotional
caregiving but using your ECM PRO account.”
Uh oh, my husband would be annoyed, and think that is lecturing. 
Every marriage is different. I think @Aspieration knows what she’s doing.
Good idea to add humor. When your DH isn’t overwhelmed by all of his responsibilities, I am hoping he is able to show his appreciation for even a part of what you do.
I HAVE FOUND MY PEOPLE! Just turned 60, former law firm equity partner, now in-house counsel feeling very unappreciated, Aspie son, started seeing a therapist a few weeks ago. After all of the issues with which I have dealt n the past, what motivated me to seek therapy for the first time was the issue of work.
My long story short: Worked 15 hour days for 10 months on a large transaction (the kind that makes the papers) and at the end, got no extra compensation or recognition. A few of the male attorneys - who worked a LOT less - received special recognition, and I literally received only a “thanks.” I am in an environment where, if work is done by a woman, it is devalued. Even if it is a tremendous accomplishment of hard work and legal and organizational skills that helped save the company, if it was done by a woman, it can’t have been that hard. (Never articulated, but the message is there.)
From the time I started this job until when the deal closed, my working hours were “every waking.” Now things have slowed down (to normal attorney chaos) and I am having a difficult time establishing normal human being hours. When upper management doesn’t give me the time of day, when they don’t involve me in some of the new deals, can I just let go and enjoy my life? Can I see it as a blessing, a way to wind down my career?
I am so torn…do I “take advantage” my maybe only working 50 - or even 45 - hours a week? I feel like I am betraying feminism/working women in America, by sitting back and trying not to insert myself into the highest levels of the company. As a law firm partner, I was very comfortable giving honest advice to company CEOs. Now the CEO is the “big boss” who barely acknowledges my existence. I know that I need to get more of a life (the folks on the College Class of 2009 thread have been helpful with me on this issue), but I feel as if I’m giving up. Am I at a stage where I can see it as not “giving up” but just - as has been so well articulated by others - shifting my goals from work to my personal life?