Beautifully written @Hoggirl. I agree, we should not dwell on negatives. We make choices, accept the negatives and move forward, dwell on and celebrate the positives.
Once we had a child, our only, getting her successfully born after such a challenging pregnancy, and now raised to young adulthood, I feel blessed to have the one I have (as I have said several times upthread). To have the opportunity to raise a child has turned out to be a tremendous privilege and joy.
My heart does go out to couples who really really really want a child and cannot conceive for whatever reason and can’t afford expensive fertility treatments or the often huge up front costs of adoption. They don’t get the chance to ponder the pros and cons or raising an only.
My heart goes out to them as well, NorthernMom, As painful as not being able to have more children was, I knew how darn lucky I was to be a mother at all. So very lucky, indeed!
As for the holidays, we have already told our son a million times that he is under no obligation to spend the holidays with us. We can entertain ourselves, no problem. He’s coming home for the holidays this year and that is wonderful but he truly is not obligated to do so. I feel like that really can become a burden for only children and I don’t want that for him.
@pugmadkate - I agree wholeheartedly with this! I don’t want ds to feel obligated either. Maybe I am just notsentimental enough, but I (we) will be fine if our ds isn’t always around for holidays.
“A Kansas man who spent 15 years in prison for the murder of his 14-year-old sister-in-law is now free after his brother confessed to the brutal rape and killing in a suicide note last month.”
Having a bad sibling could be much worse than having no sibling at all. Also, some parents could play favorite also.
I think it’s perfect for a two-career couple, to both have the wonderful experience without being overwhelmed while continuing in a profession. Certainly it’s less expensive!! LOL.
My DIL is an only, from Thailand and she’s a lovely person. She indicates a less than ideal upbringing in that her parents were very busy building a business so she was left w/ her grandmother most of the time. Then they sent her away to boarding school as a young teen. She seems to have some wistfullness about it all but it’s clear she loves them.
Part of me wants to hijack this thread to middle kids. We have all sorts of problems. Not the oldest nor the youngest…
I, too, raised an only child. Lucky enough to have one, wanted two. But life isn’t fair. Considered adoption before our son was born but then did not for several reasons (didn’t want any child to feel like the odd one out- eg giftedness, ethnicities). It would have been hard on a bright but not gifted child in our family- when everyone else “gets it” et al. It would have been different if we got what we produced. I know this will be distasteful to many but those who are different from the mainstream will understand being an outsider.
We were lucky to have other boys of the same age in the neighborhood for our son. It also helped that they were all very bright- helpful for the elementary set when they can think on the same wavelengths while playing. We tried to visit cousins often enough so that now he has relationships with them that will last past our lifetimes.
Things are different with only one child. Harder to divvy up chores, responsibilities when it becomes all or none. Harder to play family games- two adults to one child. Harder to travel and have someone to play with at the hotel pool and other kid friendly activities.
A neighbor adopted a D from Korea then got lucky to have their own son. The girl was more average and while mother and D got to do many things together I never could there was a disconnect when she reached adulthood. I believe she is basically out of their lives, doing her own thing. I do believe it helped her younger brother to not be an only- he was son’s age and his personality was that of doing things his own way (son the introvert was an observer- as noted by another neighbor- we were so lucky to have a bunch of kids in our neighborhood for son to be with. One day a cul de sac street hockey game with players from 6 to 16).
My H was effectively an only child growing up- 8 year difference then he left home at an early age for college. However, now it makes a difference as they are definitely in each other’s lives. One reason I am thankful son has relationships with cousins.
Seeing how his cousins on both sides are turning out I wish our kid could also have a sibling. But- I tried…