Wow! From the bottom of my heart, I thank all of you! I was expecting to be flamed for being such an enabling parent, but you were all very kind and helpful.
To clarify, yes, he absolutely wants to pass the road test. I agree that it is a life skill.
I will pass your many suggestions to him.
Again, thank you!
For driving have him do another round of private driver training (way my kids did it since not thru school). They also practiced actual test and then they took each of mine to drivers test using their car. Helped a lot. Also driving instructors knew the dmv testers and I think it was easy to prepare the. You can also purchase additional hours of practice for things like interstate driving if helps with confidence…
If he needs more help look for instructor who specializes in teaching kids with disabilities… my cousin had someone to help her a little more than what most kids need
I also have a slow to launch young man. And like Massmom have been worried about being criticized for being enabling!
Re: driving. We finally made this a non-negotiable as we live in an area w/o public transit. I did research and find a driving school that specialized in anxious adult drivers, and they were fabulous! Made all the difference and now DS drives w/o qualms.
He has two part-time jobs in the CS field (his major; he graduated recently but it took longer than 4 years for sure). He suffers from depression and is likely on the spectrum although we have had mixed diagnoses (yes/no) over the years. Doesn’t really matter. His depression is under very good control now.
BUT - he still lives with us and has shown little/no interest in moving out. He has no social life by his choice. He used to - he used to have a good group of friends, was involved in theater, etc., but all of that disappeared after high school. He has lived away from home at school and that worked fairly well but now his jobs are an easy commute and rent is beyond his means although we could help support him. He does pay his other bills. He has a counselor who is very supportive.
How hard to push and how much to support - that balance is always tricky I think.
Our loved one has challenges launching too. She graduated with her degree and is living in a room in a house with other young adults. Due to chronic health issues she’s been plagued with to varying degrees from grade school, she’s never held a full-time job.
She is working with various MDs to try to improve her chronic health issues. She does drive and buy her own groceries and take care of herself.
We would dearly love for the health issues to be resolved and for her to be healthy enough to hold a part time and someday full-time job.
In the meantime, we are glad she has folks she’s happy sharing a house with and working on improving her health.
My oldest son is about 8 years behind his peers. At one time, I never would have dreamed he’d be where he is today at this point in time. Have hope.
I truly believe life is not a race, it’s a journey. It’s important to evolve and become as independent as possible, but it certainly is more important to find a fit and a path over shoving out the nest to fly.
I agree with the nudge-identify some jobs he can apply for, help with the applications, and tell him that if he doesn’t find anything he will need to take any job, even an undesirable one, in x months. It won’t necessarily get any easier with the mere passage of time as he stays accustomed to the current arrangement.
You have all put your finger on my main worry, that he won’t find a job after graduation, will come back to live with us and then become complacent and then depressed. The entire reason I posted is because a neighbor of mine, who only lives up here during the warmer months, confided in me that her 35 year old son is still living with them in their other house, and he seems to have many of the traits that my son has. This scares me to death! I really want to do everything in my power to make sure that my son has a normal adult life.
He is more than capable of living on his own. Like @siemom 's kid, he is barely on the spectrum, so I believe that with the right support, there’s no reason why he can’t be independent one day.
He can be independent. Don’t worry. I think that the gentle, supportive approach will help him find independence. You know, it may seem easy for some people to whip up a cover letter and resume, but for others it seems impossible! Helping structure this activity with him until it becomes more second nature would help. If that’s not the issue, than other things can be.
Anxiety and nervousness about how to do something can mask itself into more video games, for example.
He can do it, but creative, supportive parenting can also help.
Hasn’t he been living away at college far from home for 4 years? If he’s been successfully independent then, I’m sure he’ll continue to be.
I have seen those situations like your neighbors’ so I think you should proceed with your helpfulness sooner rather than later so he doesn’t get too comfortable. There are lots of jobs out there and being in a young hip location would be great for him.
@suzyQ7 , yes he has been at college, but college is kind of scripted. He is highly motivated not to live with us because last summer was miserable for him! This was a good thing for him to experience.
I think the main thing is helping him with a strategy for finding a job that can pay his bills in a place other than the middle of nowhere Maine.
I have neighbors with a son who completed college at a live away private college but never mastered driving and has been surprisingly to us home since college graduation. He is probably 30ish now as he was alittle older than my oldest. Smart as heck bookish kid but definitely on the spectrum somewhere. As I have watched his parents age I have come to believe that things are what they are and he is a great help to his parents and will continue to be a help as they age. I think you do what you can to get your kids independent and also realize that for some it really might mean they never totally separate. I do think you are smart to help him find a path to true independence if you and he don’t envision long term togetherness and he seems enthusiastic about finding a path to job and independence.
Separation is inevitable, parents do die. It is our job to assist them in getting to the separation point.
I know he does not want to live with us, and I don’t want him to live with us! My neighbor with the 35 year old still at home is pretty miserable and sad about it (her son is depressed and morbidly obese, doesn’t hold a job and does nothing around the house). At this point, I’m sure there’s some serious enabling going on, but I know it’s a slippery slope. While I don’t think I could be in her situation (and I know for sure my 150 lb, 6’2" son is not going to become obese!), I want to do everything I can now to be sure of not ending up like her.
Please try to push him towards driving so he doesn’t have to limit himself. I remember this poor girl who showed up in Fort Worth, tx to work with us at General Dynamics without knowing how to drive. She was a charity case for many months until finally she got her license and a car.
This is so challenging, and not that unusual. Even kids that have a vague idea of what they want to do, may not know (or be willing) to take the steps needed to get a job in their field. Do you or your family have any contacts that would help him get a somewhat professoinal job? That can be the best first step. Even in a job that is not really related to his field. Just having the routine of going to work each day and the confidence that comes from a job well done.
You have to decide the level to which you are willing to assist him. He can start out with any kind of job in your area, and then save money to move out. Or he can find a job in the city, but may need your help with rent etc. at least for a few months.
What about a summer job at either a camp or even at a national or state park? It may not be what he wants to do, but it could get him away from home and some experience.
Did I read that you’re in Northern Maine? That area’s tough for finding jobs, if so.
Just throwing out random suggestions here! Not helpful I’m sure.
Any success stories? My son isn’t on the spectrum but has a masters degree and still hasn’t found his path. I like the term “slow to launch”. I’d like to hear about kids who have found their place later than others.
I have a relative who lived with her folks in her childhood bedroom in parental home until she was about mid-30s until she finally opted to live in an apartment. She eventually married and is now mom to a 13 year old.
She has been at her low-key admin job for over 20 years (on paper she’s over-qualified for her job but she is ok with it). She’s pretty happy. Folks all have different paths.
I’d counsel having him find a job, any job. Maybe he doesn’t find the perfect post grad dream job. If he can work at a Best Buy or Starbucks full time, that’s a start. Being able to hold some kind of job successfully will build his confidence and yours. He’ll meet people, he’ll be out of the house, he can keep looking and thinking what to do long term. (I did this with a kid I feared would be slow to launch. He was in his last semester, had some free time, so I insisted he get some kind of job and assume some of his expenses.He had only had fancy lab and research jobs before. Working at a consumer electronics store was good for him. He realized he was good at explaining things and solving problems IRL.They liked him, he liked them, he saw supporting himself wasn’t so hard. He did get a real full-time job in teaching—which will likely be a transition job to something else. But in the meantime he is living alone out of our house and paying his own bills.)
I agree on getting that driver’s license. Push for it. It will be liberating for him.