I just don’t understand how someone can forget that there is a baby in the car. In the latest case a father claims to have forgotten that his twins were in the car. There was a Washington Post story the other day (which I now cannot locate) more or less excusing this as accidental, rather than criminal, blaming memory issues, stress, etc.
Reading how these babies suffered as they broiled to death just makes me sick.
I am with you!
It’s so awful, and impossible to imagine what those poor babies went through. It seems to happen every year during the summer months. I don’t know how a parent could live with the knowledge that they have caused this.
I live in the area where this happened. Apparently the man was screaming by the side of the road when he realized.
When my son was a few weeks old, I took him and my then-2 year old to a toddler playgroup in a large church hall. He was asleep in his car seat, so I set him on the floor, chatted with friends and watched my daughter. I completely forgot about him for at least 30 minutes, when I suddenly remembered I had a new baby. My blood froze and I immediately ran to check on him. He was still asleep and perfectly fine, but I was shaking like a leaf at my lapse.
I was exhausted and looking after a new baby and a toddler. I was stressed and emotional. I have never forgotten how frightening it was to forget I had a child.
This is a horrible tragedy. While no one can excuse what this man did (I’m sure by accident), I can see how it happens. People can forget something incredibly important. I do not believe this man intentionally meant hurt his children.
It is very difficult to read these stories.
Many years ago I was in a van sized car pool that took my child to and from school. We each took a week driving.
One of the moms had a commitment one morning during the week she was committed. No problem because her DH was glad to take the wheel and role. He drove the van to school and then headed to work, parking the van in his work underground garage.
An hour later, he thankfully went back to the van to pick up an umbrella as it was raining hard and he had a lunch meeting that entailed walking outside.
To his absolute horror, there was a kid sitting in the van. In the craziness of all the kids grabbing their stuff and piling out of the van, getting moving as soon as the van door shut so to keep the drop off line moving, he neglected to look back there and make sure nothing was left behind. A Kid was.
The boy was recovering from chicken box—had very sensitive skin so was taking something that made him drowsy. He fell asleep in the van.
Thankfully, the van was not in a hot place. Thankfully, the Dad in this story went back to the vehicle. Thankfully all ended well. Just a story that he won’t live down. But, yes, it can happen. Too much on the mind. Careless, no, negligent, and criminal. Not to mention possibly tragic.
I can tell you actual variations on this theme. I once left my kid at school after I went to specifically pick him up. He threw his stuff in the van and shut the door saying he was running back in for a moment. I didn’t catch what he said and just stepped in the gas and left. Since I was so used to being ignored when I talk to them while driving, and my kids had a great propensity to zone out and sleep the instant they get into my car, I didn’t notice he was not there till I got home and there was no kid in the car, and a puzzled person at home asking me what was going on—school called saying I left kid there. Pre cell phone days. But yes, these things happen and the reminders are important for that reason. Hot weather, infants, little kids, and pets make a deadly combination.
I can see how it happens. My most recent rental car flashed a sign to check the back seat when I turned it off. But I guess you would get used to that also. You need a sensor in the back seat that triggers an alarm. They already put them in the front passenger seat to turn off the airbag if it senses less than 50 (or 40 or whatever) pounds. But I can see how a distracted, busy, harried parent can forget a baby in the backseat, especially if a routine is disrupted, forgetting the baby is back there or thinking the child was dropped off at daycare. It is tragic.
My gut about this story of the man in the Bronx and his twins is that it was a terrible and tragic accident. Although all the details about the man and his family are not out in the press yet, this recent scenario is very different from the one of Ross Harris in GA a few years ago, who left his toddler son in the car, went back to the car at lunchtime to put something in it, and still didn’t notice him until he was driving away from work (he left early to meet a friend at the movies). In the Harris case, it emerged that Harris, who was married, had googled “child-free living” and had been sexting with teenage girls and other women for a period of many months, even from his office on the day he left his son in the car.
The man in the Bronx will probably never forgive himself.
Sleep deprivation, a change in routine (such as usually Mom drops off the kids at daycare, but this day Dad was doing it so it was not the routine for him), or simple spaciness or preoccupation with something distracting the mind can cause such a tragedy to happen. I feel for the parents in such cases, and too easily can imagine making such a tragic mistake. Occasionally in my past I have found myself absent-mindedly driving to a local destination other than the one I had intended (perhaps to a workplace rather than to a school) simply due to routine habit.
I can only imagine the challenge of going forward in a marriage and in life after such a tragedy. How could this man face the mother of those children?
I worry about such things as a grandparent – know if I were ever responsible for harm coming to a grandchild, I would have to drop off the face of the earth – how could I face my daughter and her husband ever again?
An awfully tragic situation.
A good rule is to always check the backseat before leaving a vehicle that sometimes has children in it. Perhaps tie a ribbon on the steering wheel?
I find the stories very upsetting, more so than other tragedies like car or bike accidents. I try not to read too much as some of the details from previous incidents really stick with me. Years ago I was living near Madison WI and a woman left her baby to die in the car when she was working at the American girl doll company and the stories about what else was going on in her family were so sad.
What’s odd is a seemingly random decision of who to prosecute. The WI parent was not prosecuted.
I’ve read a good idea is to leave your phone or purse in the back seat with the child. People don’t get far without those things.
My BIL and SIL has their first kids—Twins a bit later in life than usual. They had a great routine when they had to switch off the babies, car seat and all when they were going separate ways. One time, SIL was running late, and left the car seat at side of car because the back door was still locked, telling husband to please put T into the car as he was fastening the other seat. Well. He forgot. Routine was always, he did one seat and wife did the other.
Once in my way home from picking up S from grade school, I left D at the school. I was wondering why the kids were so quiet in the backseat and turned around at the traffic light and there was only S, no D. I was so surprised and immediately returned to pick her up but it was a shock. She was indignant at having been left behind. I was surprised S hadn’t said anything.
Frazzled, sleep deprived people do forget things. It’s tragic that babies and young kids can die because of these mistakes.
Agree that leaving your purse or briefcase in back seat near car seat will force you to look there before exiting the vehicle.
I have heard the suggestion to put your shoe in the backseat if a child is there; you won’t walk into work with only one shoe on! That said, how many parents would actually do that day to day, especially thinking they would never be the parent to leave their kid?
While I do believe many of these instances were horrible tragedies, I always wonder, why at some point during the day, these parents didn’t think of their kids? Weather they see a picture on their desk, a coworker asks about their child, or talks about their own, etc… Wouldn’t at some point you would think about your child and memory jogged that you didn’t drop them at school/daycare as planned?
A shoe would certainly work as well. I’m fine with driving barefoot.
I think the days run together and it may be hard to remember if you didn’t do something you “ always” do and just remember a different day when you did drop off and assume it happened as usual on the day in question.
These stories are incredibly tragic. But back in 80s, W and I were married 6 years before we had our S. It was just auto pilot for us to jump out of car and go to wherever we were headed. One time that’s exactly what happened. We jumped out of car and started walking towards store. We both only had taken a few steps when the lights in our heads simultaneously began blinking red and we both realized we had left S in car seat. To this day when we see a story like this we always remember our stupidity. We both agree that what we think made us quickly realize that our S was still in car is we were only going to pick up a couple of things at store. But when one is facing a busy work day I can see how one’s mind might be more cluttered with very, very, tragic consequences. We have some empathy for these people who lose children in this manner.
I was at a holiday party once. Another couple we were friendly with were getting ready to leave and were heading out the door when I called after them—aren’t you going to take your D too? They were pretty sheepish at having nearly left her at the party.
I know it’s not leaving a child in a car, but it was still leaving a very young child without thinking (maybe they thought she was home with a sitter?)
I forgot my kid in the car once. Scared the life out of me when she complained we were going the wrong direction, particularly because I remembered having already dropped her off at camp. She was eight.
I can see how it happens. We are creatures of habit. In addition, juggling parenting & all of our other responsibilities can lead to distraction that can lead to tragedy.
A man who worked at a local university left his child in his car, and the child died; this happened a couple years before I started working there. I heard the story from coworkers who described how incredibly distraught the man was & how it affected his life. It was an accident … that forever changed him & his family. My coworkers had nothing but sympathy for him.
I tend to get wrapped up in thoughts. I did not work when my kids were young. I would have had to use a reminder system like a shoe in the back, I think. I plan to do that when I have grandkids & take care of them. I don’t want to take any chances.
A change in routine seems to be pretty common in a lot of these cases, and I think that would also be the flaw with ideas like putting your purse or shoe in the backseat. One day the routine will change and you’ll be driving a different car on a different day at a different time and you’ll forget to toss your purse in the back or maybe it’s your day off and you don’t even bring your purse. Then the routine is broken and you rush in to work while forgetting your kids are in the back.
IMHO the long-term solution is sensors in the car tied to a smartphone app. If the sensors detect weight greater than 10 pounds (hopefully user-settable in my future perfect world) then the car sends you a text and email, or maybe your smartphone app sounds an alarm. People clutching their smartphones seems to be one of the few things immune to disruption of routines.
These horrible incidences happen every summer. But, like my S who drops his D off at daycare every day, nobody thinks it’ll happen to them. When I suggested to S that he leave his backpack in the back seat so he wouldn’t forget his D, he didn’t think that was necessary. He drops her off on his way to work and daycare is not directly on the way there, so he thinks it’s unlikely he’d forget. Baby #2 is arriving in the fall, so no guarantees once he’s more sleep-deprived.