<p>Is it acceptable to use rhetorical devices to strengthen your essay if the rhetorical device themselves are not grammatically correct? For example, asyndeton would not be grammatically correct I believe. Another example is starting a sentence with a conjunction such as ‘but’ for dramatic emphasis, but not correct grammatically. </p>
<p>Is it also acceptable to use em dashes for added emphasis? Any commentary is much appreciated.</p>
<p>In particular it is this abomination of a sentence that I need help revising: “My mother, my little brother, my family, my friends—have I told them that I love them?”</p>
<p>The prompt is: Describe a circumstance, obstacle or conflict in your life, and the skills and resources you used to resolve it. Did it change you? If so, how?</p>
<p>The context of the sentence is down below. The main idea of this paragraph in my essay is that my injury caused me to recognize that life is a gift not to be taken for granted.</p>
<pre><code>It was not until after my surgery that I truly understood my mortality. I lay bedridden for days, staring listlessly at the ceiling as I drifted in and out of consciousness. Chained by the limitations of my body, I escaped into my own thoughts, a world of lengthy ruminations and deep introspections. Prodded by the everlasting pain in my knee and the ever-rising sea of despair in my heart, I came face to face with my mortality. It was a sobering realization: I could die tomorrow. No one is invincible; no one is free from casualty. My mother, my little brother, my family, my friends—have I told them that I love them? Have I shown them how much I appreciated them? Have I lived a happy life? Have I done anything memorable? Have I wasted my life? If I were to die tomorrow, could I accept death? Would I be satisfied with the life I had lived? These were questions I wrestled with as I stared at my mortality, a mirror of my gaunt frame, the muscles withering in atrophy. There is still yet so much to do, still yet so much to experience in this magnificent and beautiful world. It was then that I realized how truly precious life is.
</code></pre>
<p>By reading the paragraph, I think the grammatically “incorrect” sentences work fine. The admissions officers are usually not experts in the English language, so some might not even notice. Also, in college admissions essays, I’ve always been told that your style matters more than being grammatically correct, to a certain extent of course. </p>
<p>I think that even an expert in the English language can and will appreciate effective rhetorical style. In your paragraph, you have several parallel constructions (no one…no one…my…my…my…Have I…Have I…Have I…) and they all work together to “show” your emotional and mental state, so you shouldn’t be worried. </p>
<p>Good lord, what nonsense has your English teacher been telling you? Of course you can use asyndeton. Of course you can start a sentence with “but.” Obama did it multiple times in his latest inaugural address; Shakespeare did it (“But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?”); Noam Chomsky did it in his book Syntactic Structures (and if Noam Chomsky is not “an expert in the English language,” nobody is); the New York Times does it. It is not in the least bit ungrammatical. </p>
<p>I wouldn’t submit that essay. Colleges want to know about you but ironically writing about yourself is a very bad idea. The best way for them to get to know you is about writing what you have done to or with other people. </p>
<p>No one will be judging you on your adherence to “rules” that are regularly and intentionally broken by educated people. Based on your post, your natural way of phrasing sentences is probably sufficiently grammatical.
Yes, but don’t overuse them. (I have a tendency to do this.)
It’s weird how “my mother” and “my little brother” are separate from “my family” as though they’re not part of it. I would say “the rest of my family,” but it might be kind of clunky.<br>
“Escaped” somehow doesn’t seem active enough. I think it would be nice to have a word that conveys how you intentionally dove into your imagination rather than thinking about the outside world, but “dove” in particular would be a lot worse than “escaped.”
Could “lengthy ruminations and deep introspections” be changed into something more specific and…visualizable?
Everyone wonders about things like this. Could you make the questions more specific to you?
I don’t think you need the word “mortality” three times in one paragraph.
Again, it’s cliched because it’s not specific enough.
Yeah, I agree. I can’t be sure without seeing the whole essay, but I’m concerned that this is too…brooding and overwrought to adequately answer the prompt. Colleges are trying to see how you could add to their campus community. </p>