<p>A couple of days ago, a friend linked to a blog with a post about how “It doesn’t take a village to raise a child. It takes ME. The village should mind it’s own d*mn business!” The writer was supporting public breastfeeding but went on to say parents should be left alone, that neighbors had no business looking after or talking to his kids about anything they might be doing. </p>
<p>OTOH, my H was brought up in a community in which literally the village (neighborhood) DID help raise ALL the kids. I’ve heard stories from him and others in the same community about how the parents would find out before the kid even made it home that they’d misbehaved. And just this morning, H was talking about how he wished he could have spoken up to the rude girl on the bus the way his parents would have.</p>
<p>So which is it? Village or Just Me? Or is somewhere in between the way to go? I didn’t grew up quite like H, but I did know my neighbors, and in emergencies we all helped one another. Now? The people on one side of my house don’t even reply when we say hello…</p>
<p>Somewhere in between. The decisions made for individual children should be completely private. However, other people can and should choose to make their gifts and abilities available to the children of their community in the time and manner of their choosing. But no one should be forced to give or to receive.</p>
<p>I volunteer a lot to help in my community, but I don’t mind the business of other people. I don’t care for my neighbors on either side of me (actually, that’s not true, one of the sides it’s only the husband – not the wife or kid – whom I stay away from) and would never involve myself in their business. However, the people across the street are the loveliest people and when the elderly gentleman wasn’t following his usual routine, my husband contacted the grandson and there was a problem. Last year when superstorm sandy decimated our area, many people helped, but many didn’t. One of the things I will never forget is that a person whose son went to school with mine and whom my husband drove home every day for two years found out that we had a problem twice (twice!) when we couldn’t pick up our son from an interim location near her husband’s job and she let our kid stay outside without offering to help when it wouldn’t have been an inconvenience. She knew that my husband was working 12-16 hours a day 7 days a week, that we couldn’t get gas for our car and that the supermarkets in our area hadn’t reopened, but never lifted a finger.</p>
<p>I work at a senior center and I can tell you that it takes a village at the other end of life.</p>
<p>This blogger sounds pretty defensive. I’m pro-breastfeeding myself, and I’d think that a village that looks kindly on children and their needs would make public breastfeeding easier, not more difficult. As long as we have the option to smile and nod, and not take unwanted advice, I don’t see the advantage to shutting the village out.</p>
<p>The kind of community where your husband was raised was one where everyone knew everyone else and the opinions of non-family members were welcome because they came from trusted friends who shared the same values. That sort of community doesn’t exist anymore, neighbors are pretty much strangers, and a stranger’s opinion is worth nothing to most of us.</p>
<p>I was more in the blogger’s camp when I was younger, as I have aged I have come to appreciate interpersonal relationships more. I met a group of 4 neighborhood women when our kids were together in kindergarten. That bond has been very strong even though our kids are no longer together in school. We still camp together every year. Every year we have (the day after) thanksgiving together. THOSE are the families who watch my kid/house/cat when I go out of town. Or who my kid goes to in an emergency. Their husbands have become my daughter’s role models. I drive their kids to camp up north/take them to plays/the library. We FILL IN the gaps in each others parenting. </p>
<p>We call ourselves the Village. As a single mom, I couldn’t be nearly as sucessful without my village. </p>
<p>Interestingly, I have become more involved and more happily interested in my physical neighbors over time also. The older ladies that live a couple houses down. We check on each other and keep each other up to date on the local stuff. </p>
<p>I am pro village.</p>
<p>EDITED TO ADD: we all have slightly different parenting styles and “rules”…the kids adapt and we’ve been known to give a little slap down (figuratively) to someone else’s kid even when they are in the room. “Hey, Anna…knock it off.” etc</p>
<p>“That sort of community doesn’t exist anymore, neighbors are pretty much strangers”</p>
<p>This isn’t necessarily so. When we bought our current home our kids were very small, and we explicitly shopped for a Village, i.e., a neighborhood where kids played in the street, parents were visible on their porches or yards, teenagers shoveled driveways and mowed lawns to make a little money or help out. Our houses are closer than aesthetics might support, but IMHO that matters soooo much less than being knowing that everyone on the street has your back (and your phone #) and that casseroles, dog walking, kid minding tool sharing, etc. are there when you need them. If you aren’t lucky enough to have this de novo, I do believe you can build it: organize a block party or swap meet, roll down your window and wave when you are driving past your neighbors, ride your bike around and stop to say hello, organize a ride share/swap list for airport drop off/pickup, etc. None of this gets into the deep and personal business of individual family decisions about child-rearing but the community values, which “walk the walk” of mutuality and help where you can, will surely translate into how our kids will see their world.</p>
<p>Then there’s the mom who expects the village to raise her children for her. S1 is friends with the son of one of those - sloughing her kids off on other parents whenever she could. She was always, and I mean * every single time*, late picking him up from activities. Once, when I served as a den leader at Cub Scout day camp, he was the only child left 45 minutes after camp dismissed for the day. She finally showed up going on and on and on about how hectic her life was and told me I just could have left him there (not in this lifetime) - he would have been fine! Whenever the kids had something like a presentation or talent show, she would show up and sit there and crochet and ignore the kids and everybody else. These are just a few of many examples … the kid has practically raised himself and is pretty much putting himself through school with a scholarship and waiting tables at Olive Garden. And she could never really understand why the other moms didn’t care for her!</p>
<p>I’m also in the village camp. We absolutely have one where I live. I am 1500 miles away from my own family and would be lost without my network of parents, neighbors and others in the community. And I am not like the “taking” mom described above–I give a lot too.</p>
<p>^ football mom -I know folks who grew up that way and believe me they were very aware of both their parent’s problems as well as the people who provided the village for them.</p>
<p>The neighborhood where we live was a village once-still was when we bought our house 4 years ago. Three of the families on the street were related, several others had lived there for decades. But one retired, one moved, one died, one decided to downsize and rent out the home (the one next to us with the people who won’t talk to us). I guess it was just bad timing. But around the corner, more and more younger families are moving in, and our street is more active with kids on bikes and basketballs. I like it better now.</p>
<p>MommaJ-it wasn’t just trusted friends-H’s neighbors didn’t all know each other well, but they all knew who belonged to which house and which parents. He and his siblings tell stories of Mrs. So and So giving them a smack for misbehaving, and everyone along the way home reminding them what was waiting for them when they got home. I’m not advocating physical punishment, but it wasn’t just having the backs of trusted friends, it was literally a group who believed they were all in it together. Sometimes when we’re back in that area we’ll run into one of his old neighbor moms, and they’ll remember him. That has always impressed me.</p>
<p>Wow - I would not buy into the village concept if it meant other adults taking it upon themselves to discipline my kids. And physically? That would be a phone call to the local police waiting to happen. But I would certainly invite other kids in out of the bad weather, ask if they’d like a ride if I was picking up my own kids at school (though I’d probably phone the mom to be sure it was okay), warn them if their play seemed unsafe, etc.</p>
<p>In my opinion we have to be careful which Village we pick. I recently read the news coverage of a breastfeeding mom who was asked to cover up by another woman. The mom of four was nursing an infant while her older children attended some sort of program at a community center. The other woman was videotaped, by the Dad, demanding the nursing mom cover up or leave the center. It escalated a bit.</p>
<p>Two Villages: In one breastfeeding is encouraged and supported, even if you expose your breast and probably even if you’re nursing an older child. Children are used to seeing breastfeeding. It’s no big deal. In another, parents want to be sure breastfeeding is done as discreetly as possible or, even better, out of sight entirely. Children aren’t used to seeing breastfeeding. Their attitude will be much different than in the first village.</p>
<p>frazzled-keep in mind this was 50 years ago-60 in the case of H’s siblings. Different times. I’ve heard so many from the same community tell nearly identical stories, and others from similar communities in other states even. It appears to have been very common.</p>
<p>The Village heading reminded me of Shirley Jackson’s famous story The Lottery. Which reminds me of Jedwabne and similar events. </p>
<p>At our kids’ school, there was a terrific wall hanging which said “At <>, everyone has a place at the table”. That unfortunately is not the story of most villages. There is a reason for the song Harper Valley PTA: “This is just a little Peyton Place and you’re all Harper Valley hypocrites.”</p>
<p>I don’t care about breastfeeding one way or the other. It’s the larger village atmosphere I’m interested in. Without a village or tribe, I think less than ideal parents can get away with a lot more. FWIW, the original poster is a gung-ho, homeschool government out of my business type. I think we only gain when we let others befriend us and support us, but not ONLY those just like us.</p>
<p>Here is my problem: how do we define the less ideal parents?</p>
<p>I spent a number of years in the homeschooling Village, where some moms were fundamentalist and others were agnostic or atheist. Some believed in corporal punishment and some didn’t. Some believed in rigid curriculums and some unschooled. We each had a pretty different definition of ideal parenting but were usually able to live and let live. What we all believed was that we had the right to parent however we chose without someone telling us we were wrong.</p>
This is pretty much me. I would not discipline another person’s child, although I would report the misbehavior to the parent and inform the child that I would be doing so. A lot of times, in a group setting with parents and kids, if I saw a child misbehaving or doing something dangerous, I’d just say loudly “So-and-so, I don’t think your mom would want you doing that.” The parent usually heard me, took care of the problem, then thanked me.</p>
<p>Definitely go for the Village route. No, I wouldn’t physically punish another child, but even as teenagers, if I saw one of my kids’ friends misbehaving in some way, I’d alert thier parents, as I hope they’d do for me. An when they were little, some ofthe neighbor’s would look after the kids if we both got stuck late at work, for instance. And we’d do the same for them. </p>
<p>Basically, the more responsible adults that love and respect a child, the better off he is.</p>