<p>So, I’m really leery of posting, but several have asked me to do this. There are so many identifying details that could get me “outed” by my son’s new in-laws, although if they’ve ever been on CC, let alone heard of it, I’ll eat my proverbial hat. :)</p>
<p>Mother of groom. East Coast groom, West Coast bride. Just different for many reasons. Met the bride’s parents and family for the first time 2 days before the wedding. Dinner at their house. Got food poisoning from undercooked poultry. Bride’s siblings are probably on the spectrum. They are absolutely brilliant but can’t hold a conversation. Bride’s mother seemed incredibly stressed the whole weekend. My speculation is that she was probably overwhelmed by our extended family and has never dealt with this many people before. 100 total at the wedding.</p>
<p>DH and I hosted a dinner for all the out-of-town guests on the night before the wedding. This was ~85% of the total wedding guests. We used a restaurant recommended by a CC poster. (Thank you BB!) I had to make all the arrangements from ~3,000 miles away. We bused our guests to and from the hotel to the dinner venue as well as the wedding. That worked out reasonably well. </p>
<p>There was a 3 page wedding day “plan” handed out to us, detailing time and place for everyone as well as “chores” for various people to do. Carry this here. Put that there. Pack up this van. Etc. DH and I were not permitted to hold our son’s hand or link his arms as we walked him down the aisle. Those were the rules. We were given very strict instructions on how we were to walk. Which foot went where. Slower than I have walked in my entire life. Painfully slow.</p>
<p>DH and I had an “after-party” planned at the hotel for all the hotel guests for a couple of reasons. We found out 2 days before the wedding that there were chores planned for members of our family after the conclusion of the wedding. Schlep this, pack up that, etc. We also hosted a breakfast the morning after the wedding for all the hotel guests.</p>
<p>We were not permitted any input into what the band played, what the photographer did, or what the flowers looked like. We paid for all those. We were told 4 days before the wedding that we would have to physically buy and pay for the champagne which was to be used for the toast they requested at the wedding. Champagne was the only alcohol permitted to be served at the reception.</p>
<p>I have so many stories about things that happened, it might make your hair stand on end or straighten out if your hair is curly. DH, my other kids and I just went along with everything just not to make waves. Some of my friends at the wedding were horrified that I caved in on certain things. The bride and groom seem very happy. That’s the important thing.</p>
And you put up with this? I would go to the mattresses on this one. No one. No. One. Ever. Tells me when/how I can touch my children.</p>
<p>You are a good woman with great priorities. I respect and admire that. I would have been a raving psycho. I suspect my daughter’s future wedding (they aren’t engaged yet but have a date for that) will have all sorts of cultural problems. we are offering cash for elopement.</p>
<p>But congratulations on having a new member of your family!</p>
<p>So…it’s a good thing that you are on the east coast and in-laws are on the west coast?? (that’s my glass half full in action). :)</p>
<p>You are a saint. I hope your son and new d-in law are happy. What bothered me the most is the fact that you were told you could not hold your S’s hand or link arms with him - if it were me? JUST WATCH ME!!! (tongue in cheek)</p>
<p>I really like to read any wedding related post. Even though it is not relevant to us today, it will defintely be relevant to us in the coming years (maybe in 5 years?!)</p>
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This is the most important one, right?!</p>
<p>I wonder that if the groom’s family and the bride’s family live so far apart, how often will they (between their families, not between the husband and the wife of course) likely interact with each other after the wedding, realistically speaking? A couple of times a year?</p>
<p>As the parents of the groom, how much will they like spend? What is the average? Using CC’s terminology, 1/2 or 1/3 of one year full pay COA at college (then public or private college?)</p>
<p>DH said that his new favorite number is 2,425. When I asked why, he said it was because that’s what the pilot said the mileage was to our West Coast destination when we boarded the aircraft on the East Coast. He’s generally a more “go with the flow” kinda guy, but he was just furious with a lot of things that happened. Said he’s never going back to in-law’s house.</p>
<p>Question: were you surprised that your now DIL came from that family? Can you see her behaving that way herself in a similar manner in the future?</p>
Wow, that must have been really bad because often men don’t notice those things or draw lines in the sand. Did your son and DIL notice any of this stuff? Was it coming from the DIL or the parents?</p>
<p>Thank you for the update. Congratulations on the marriage! I am sorry the wedding wasn’t a more satisfactory occasion for you. Given that you and your husband ended up paying for a wedding where your tastes and ideas of propriety couldn’t (or wouldn’t) be accommodated, I have a question. On a thread early on, there was a suggestion you might just let the bride’s family plan whatever sort of wedding they wanted on the limited budget they had in mind and that you and your husband have a different big party on your own coast. In retrospect, would that have been worth considering? I only ask because your story doesn’t seem to me so unusual these days. And I wonder the best way to handle it? What advice would you give someone in a similar situation?</p>
<p>@alh, we suggested to my son a long time ago that we keep the wedding very small, only invite immediate family, etc. and he said no, that he and his bride wanted “everyone” there. We would have been happy to do something on the East Coast which would have been incredibly more convenient for 90% of the guests.</p>
<p>@zoosermom-my DIL was the “architect” of the 3 page single space list of “instructions,” including the “no holding hands.”</p>
<p>Oh no. No. No. No. Was she always like this? As mentioned above, you are a saint. My white trash comes out in certain situations and this would have been one of them. She needs to learn that her place in the world is not between you and your son, and neither is yours between her and her husband. </p>
<p>My heart sank when I read that you and DH were not “allowed” to touch your son as you walked him down the aisle, and I felt (feel) like crying. I’ve “known” you since this DS was a young teenager and I know how close your family is. </p>
<p>As I read the “instructions”, I thought, whoever wrote this is on some spectrum, assuming that it was a parent. Now I see that it’s DIL. The only thing I can think is that the whole situation was incredibly stressful for her. Is it possible that her family does not approve of DS or the marriage? This would be absolute evidence of pathology!</p>
<p>I’m glad that the bride and groom were happy. And I’m glad that her family are 2,425 miles away. And I hope to God that the new couple remains on the East Coast.</p>
<p>OMG. I would have lost it at being told not to link arms and being put on involuntary work detail. However, I will say that offering to pay for certain elements of the wedding does not necessarily make you the host. The host is the person or people who issue invitations,plan, choose vendors, are responsible for guests and so forth. It is not necessarily about who pays the bills, although it can be. Usually that kind of thing should be discussed up front. But, yes, it would have been considerate to offer to involve you in some way. </p>
<p>However, if and when I am in that position, any offers of that kind will be no strings attached. It can be challenging enough to get two or four people on the same page, let alone six. </p>
<p>You are a saint. I"m not sure I could’ve stayed quiet about the things you put up with, especially if I’d paid.</p>
<p>S1 is getting married next summer, and originally we thought we wouldn’t be meeting her family until the wedding weekend, like you did. Now, though, S1 and FDIL think it would be good to meet her family prior to the wedding. We’ve agreed to go to where her family lives ( a 4 hr drive), but her parents are divorced and it may be best to meet her parents separately. This could be quite a weekend, whenever it happens. I hope it goes better than your meeting.</p>
<p>Congrats on the wedding and glad that the bride and groom are happy. Also happy for you that her family lives so far away.</p>
<p>@NYMomof2 I don’t think that the bride is on the spectrum. This “work product” could have been a collaboration between her, her mother and her wedding coordinator, who was a friend with no experience with this. I do think that the bride’s family really likes my kid and is happy with the marriage. I must say that I saw the bride the night after the wedding and she seemed perfectly back to normal. </p>
<p>@roshke I didn’t consider DH and I to be the official hosts of this wedding, although both sets of parents’ names were on the invitation and we were given a set of invitations for us to stamp and mail. Truthfully, I can’t really distinguish between what the bride’s family did and what we did other than to say that DH and I were not invited to give any input. For instance, DH, his brother and sister were trying to have the photographer take a picture of them for their mother, the one surviving grandparent. She was unable to attend because of age/distance. The bride’s mother tried to pull them away from doing that, saying that my DH needed to be somewhere else at that moment according to the schedule. That was one of the two times where I intervened and in a very measured tone said that they were taking a picture for their mother. Other than that, we were rushed through the pictures our family wanted.</p>
<p>I have never run a big event. I suspect that if I had to run a wedding, I would act like a control freak, the way your new in-laws did, in an effort to cope with an unfamiliar and intimidating situation.</p>
<p>On the surface, I’m thinking many of these things should have been negotiated. I’m thinking…“I could have finessed my way through this one and held my kid’s hand while walking down the aisle.” But…I’m sure you have similar finessing skills and would have done so, if it were an option!! </p>
<p>Why weren’t there conversations about this ahead of time? If I’m paying for the music or photographer or flowers, and I had a song request or I cared about the flower choice or the makeup of the pictures, I’d have some voice in those things! Not to control the bride’s choices… but a tiny little voice seems almost a given. Seems pretty cut and dried on the surface. Clearly that wasn’t the case! </p>
<p>Using hind sight, are there things you’d do differently? Perhaps the bride/bride’s parents are uber-controlling and you had no option but to conform?? Just seems so rude and disrespectful of her new husband and his family…I always struggle with how much of a roll the groom (your son) plays in this kind of situation. On the one hand, seems he could have negotiated a ‘proper escort’ for himself/his parents but maybe his bride is really that controlling. We all pick our battles in life and you seem to have chosen to pass on this battle–to your credit. How gracious of you!</p>
<p>Please share more and fill in the blanks for us! </p>
<p>As was mentioned, we may walk in your shoes one day and you could help us avoid catastrophe~</p>