<p>None of my kids have felt entitled to go to their dream school, either. When the aid package came back for one of my sons, he realized that it was impossible to attend that school. Fortunately, another school that he liked quite a bit came in with an offer that was affordable for us. We have loans, he has loans and we have paid some in cash. </p>
<p>Money has always been the primary factor for most of the kids I know. The ones that think it will “all work out” find out, the hard way - usually in April - that they need to think again about what is realistic. </p>
<p>One of the needy kids I work with had an offer from MITthat would end up costing $35k a year. He settled on U Penn that came in with a package that will only cost him $10k a year - and enable him to get a joint BS/MS. MIT was his first choice and is sad about it - but knows that his final destination is an MD…and it would be foolish to rack up so much needless debt. </p>
<p>It is a tough lesson to teach our kids, but necessary, nonetheless.</p>
<p>LGM: I agree totally. I also think that it’s foolish to think of UPenn in terms of “settling.” We’re not talking third-tier regional college here!<br>
The cost of attendance at Berkeley for OOS students is on a par with Stanford’s. Ugh.</p>
<p>I jumped for joy that he got into that program at UPenn! It is terrific! I am sure once he is on campus, he will be kicking himself for even considering the other offer. </p>
<p>There were other schools he got into that were also terrific - but with worse financial aid packages. He would have fit into ANY that he got into - and they weren’t all Ivy. </p>
<p>There are so many great schools. It is absolutely silly that students think that they will only fit into a few. CC is great in that there is so much sharing of information with parents and students, but in some ways, it fuels that fire of prestige being even more “important” to the equation. It also creates an atmosphere where kids see they have to one-up each other, in order to gain that coveted spot. </p>
<p>But the reality is that most kids will thrive where they end up. Some will transfer - about 1 in 3. The goal is that they all make the most of their opportunities, wherever they go. </p>
<p>On that note - Happy Decision day to all the seniors and their parents. Whew. What a ride, eh?</p>
<p>Garland, everyone has the right ot make their own choices. Personally I would cut a lot of things before I took my daughter out of an excellent high school. its not just about the AP classes, the ECs – its that her peers have the expectation of obtaining the best education. </p>
<p>Every child is different. Some kids will regard Upenn as a stepdown (OK just joking, he’ll get over it). But really some child will work hard with out encouragement, some wont. We all know our own kids.</p>
<p>My understanding is that in Europe, average children (as determined by a test at what age?) do not get the opportunity to go to college. Many people in the US would not like that.</p>
<p>Littlegreenmom, thanks for the information. 80% of students who apply to transfer from a California community college are accepted at a UC. At first glance, this seems ridiculously high. But it’s not. Anyone with a pulse can take classes at community college. However, not anyone can pass classes at community college.</p>
<p>A community college student who intends to transfer must pass a certain number of classes, and certain specific classes, with a C or better, or he won’t even be considered for UC transfer admission. He has to pass freshman English, either Statistics or Calculus, and a science class, or else his application will be thrown in the trash. That weeds out a large number of community college students before they even start to fill out an application. The remainder, the ones who did get through the lower-level classes, have shown an ability to do college-level work (by doing college-level work). So it’s not surprising that most of them will be accepted at some UC. Community college transfer students graduate from UCs at a higher rate than “native” students, for the same reason-- they’ve already shown perseverance by transferring in the first place.</p>
<p>Sigh, it would be so wonderful if after all of the parents work, sacrifice, wishes, help, that all the children who received a lion’s share of all of this, would appreciate it and make the most of it. Life doesn’t work that way. By the time our kids are young adults, there is much of their own making and influences that have little or nothing to do with us. We can tilt the odds a bit in our favor for things to work the way we want, but it doesn’t always work.</p>
<p>It’s much easier to be impersonal and avoid emotional decisions when it is not your own child to whom you’ve given so much of your life blood. We can hope, expect, encourage, even nag, push, order, but kids are not going to necessarily turn out the way we had hoped and worked towards.</p>
<p>The system with all of its fallacies is what we have. If we learn how it likely works and all of its parts, we have a better chance of getting out of it what we want. The OP clearly did not understand how things worked with college aid. Also there are many here on the board who seem to feel that just because we work hard to impart our values to our kids, it’s going to happen that way. If it does, it’s wonderful, but sometimes it does not, and because of what you did or didn’t do.</p>
<p>garland posted:
“Absolutely. Which is why I was, frankly, stunned that a poster would attack my family rather than discuss disagreement.” </p>
<p>Garland:</p>
<p>You and your family were not attacked. But because you seem to feel that you were, I will rephrase what I wrote. Here is my new statement. If a kid of mine dropped out midway through his last semester at a very expensive Ivy that I had paid full cost for, I would feel that he showed great disrespect to us, his parents. You of course are free to feel otherwise. I would feel like all the things I gave up to provide him with this very special type of education were wasted. That is my opinion only. So, to say that every family should live way below its means for 18 years to provide something like this is not necessarily great advice. It may have worked for you. It may not work for others. Again, disagreement is not a personal attack.</p>
<p>garland posted:
“You think that education was wasted, really?”</p>
<p>No, I don’t. And I do not find your method or philosophy for paying for your kid’s education offensive. I think I said earlier that I find the disdain for others who do not do exactly as you do offensive. That is a big difference. I think I read on another thread where you said that your kids did no activities that costed money when they were young. Only visits to the library. That’s great, but some kids like to play soccer or baseball or take dance. And some kids get scholarships for skills that are fostered by those things. There is more than one way to do things and one isn’t necessarily better than another.</p>
<p>Purpleflurp, college years are a minefield for some students. The demons of mental, emotional, behavioral illness can pop up, hopefully to be tamed to the neuroses we all have and handle. Kids make stupid decisions, regret them terrible and sometimes need a little time to back off, take a deep breath and decide which way to go. It may not be disrespect towards anyone, just one of those danged things that happen. </p>
<p>Most of us parents go through a swirl of feelings including those you have mentioned, but hopefully if the student is truly one who in a vulnerable place, the focus becomes what to do next to help him, not punish him or feel that you, the parent, who sacrificed so much has been hurt, dishonored, disrespected. Yes, sometimes the student is truly a wise guy who decided to live the life of Riley and did blow his parents’ money to party at an expensive school. More often it is a difficult step on a student’s journey to adulthood, that may end up having been the best one to make. I know many parents who wish their troubled, unhappy, hurting children had come home to regroup rather than trying to tough out a situation that was coming out of their control. The traditional route is more comfortable to us as parents as it is predictable and well known by all, but it is not necessarily the best way for everyone to go.</p>
<p>I spent a small fortune on sports and music for my kids. Some of them were quite gifted in some of those areas, so I did sacrifice, scrimp and overspend to get them a good background that H and I could not give them from our store of skills. Maybe I’ll get one that will hit a bit of paydirt in those areas, but I am not holding my breath. A waste of money and time? Maybe, but many parents have done the same and will continue to do so. There comes a time in maturing as a parent and person that we realize that in providing wonderful opportunities for our kids, we are really giving them options, not a fixed path with expected results. To look at it any other way is really asking for hurt and disappointment, both things that you really don’t need in this lifetime with those you love the most.</p>