Self help comes in many forms from reading a book to going to a therapist to listening to a podcast or honestly maybe even going to church. I still
Don’t get why any/all of this is not seen as healthy and taking responsibility - and help - for conflicts big or small in our lives. 
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I think appropriate therapy is very helpful. Always will be. Therapy by a trained therapist. Not the peer pressure of internet hyped up lingo.
What I find concerning is a seeming growth in labeling (especially parents) as “narcissistic” or with BPD (borderline personality disorder), the instant advice (usually internet advice) to go NC (no contact) or “establish your boundaries” (with appropriate punishment–usually NC) to enforce them. There doesn’t seem to be any pushback that maybe the fault lies with the person who is playing victim. The fact that NC serves no purpose (except in rarer circumstances than presently promoted) but to create further divide is disregarded. No discussion equals no solution.
There seems to be also a lack of taking responsibility for actions. Don’t want to do something? I’m taking a “mental health day”. We need “safe spaces” because I might be “triggered” (trigger warnings follow…) by something in a book or a podcast or an email. Don’t agree with how someone is acting–criminal/moral/crazy/just plain lazy? Suddenly you are labeled as an “fill in the blank-ist”. Guess I’m missing a bit of my parent’s generations admonitions to “quit the whining and get off your lazy butt.” Sometimes you need to “find yourself” by doing not just thinking. And just because “everybody says so” doesn’t mean it’s right. And because it got written on paper doesn’t make it right either. And BTW kid, it’s not always about you.
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I think it’s one of those things you don’t know unless you’ve experienced it.
One of my kids said that their SO had anxiety because they didn’t want to take care of something at the DMV. I’ve never seen any indication that this person has any anxiety issues. They just don’t want to do grownup stuff at the DMV.
If this was the case, my husband would have the worse case of anxiety ever experienced 
. He has no anxiety, never has, just a strong case of I don’t want to’s.
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Yes, D said it would make her too anxious to attend the service. ??? She knows it’s not a heavy service. It’s designed to be a fun event for the whole community. Oh, well, I have to let it go, as my ill son is always reminding me. It’s ironic that he often seems more grounded than his sister.
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I don’t want to do that isn’t always anxiety. Sometimes it’s just plain, I don’t want to do that. Anxiety is used to shut down the response.
Not always but sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to do.
This is my opinion.
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From a different perspective: My sisters and I no longer attend services at the church where we were raised (with the rare exception of some funerals.) It’s partly due to some events there that were icky (I’ll refrain, on this thread, from calling them traumatic). Anyway, none of us have ANY desire to share any of this with our parents, who derive strength from their faith and their community. But yeah, a Christmas Eve service at my childhood church is something I don’t plan to ever do again in my life.
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I think therapy not being embraced is a carryover of the, “must keep appearances up at all costs,” mindset and shaming nature of the Silent Generation. At least that is what I have seen in dh’s family. Seeking therapy is for the weak or crazy. If someone in the family is seeking it, it might make us look bad to the community. Insert eye roll.
When my niece lied for a year to the entire family about being enrolled in college for what would have been her senior year when she had, in fact, flunked out at the end of her junior year neither one of dh’s parents were concerned about anything other than how that made THEM look. I am not a proponent of concealment/lying at all. To me, that whole situation screamed of a need to talk to someone as this had not historically been her M.O. at all. When I suggested to my mil that perhaps she might benefit from talking to a counselor, her immediate and emphatic response was, “Oh, yes! She needs to go talk to someone at the school and figure out what she can do to re-enroll and finish her degree!” My response? “That’s not the kind of counselor I am talking about.
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To be fair both avenues should be pursued.
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I don’t disagree, but mil was wanting her to get back on the academics within three days after this revelation. IMO, the immediacy of mil’s suggestion just piled on the shame. Neither avenue of counseling was pursued. He (he has since transitioned) never finished. He’s now 31.
Anyway, I think there is still a lot of stigma associated with therapy with the older set. I think the point of this thread is now there is sort of a stigma associated with NOT getting therapy.
Because it was so out of character for her, I was concerned she had experienced something traumatic.
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It’s not up to me to decide what form of advice/therapy/soul searching works for someone. If I care for them, I’m just happy they seek help.
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If it’s the right type of help.
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Who determines the right type of help?
I am grateful for the psychiatrist and therapist who support my kid with bipolar 1 “with psychotic features.” They have been stable for years.
Another kid has chronic illness and almost died from being hit by a car. A therapist helped her reintegrate after a year of rehab. She is an artist and found one who understands the practical challenges of that.
I have learned over the years how to best respect the “boundaries” my kids need, and the boundaries are different for each one. With one, I wait for them to contact me and talk to me about what is going on. I don’t ask. One does not talk about dating with me. The third doesn’t want family info filtered through me but wants direct contact with siblings. They have all voiced these explicitly and I try to do a good job! I have learned a lot from my kids.
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Most of us have a “zany” cousin or aunt who swears by the astrologist who said “leave your husband and move to Key West” or the friend who refuses actual therapy but is paying a life coach to help explain why he/she has never been in a healthy romantic relationship and can’t hold down a job for longer than 6 months.
What can a bystander do- except listen with empathy when you can stand it, and end the conversation when you can’t?? There are all sorts of people out there preying on the vulnerable. Sometimes the advice is benign (go to Sedona to meet with a crystal guru; friend claimed she came back renewed…) and sometimes the advice is dangerous (a cousin who is now refusing chemo because her life coach said she can cure herself with nutritional supplements and a Feng Shui consultant for her home).
Until an adult is deemed incompetent… there isn’t much you can do. We all know people drinking themselves into an early grave, or still smoking three packs a day despite a hacking cough. You can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.
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As a follow-up, my daughter decided to go to the Christmas Eve service with us, after all. It was very kind of her. And she really didn’t engage in any therapy speak at all during her day and a half with us! It was actually refreshing. I’m so glad she doesn’t say, “I’m so stressed…” constantly anymore.
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Well said! I do think that more awareness of mental illness is a good thing and I realize that some people do have mental illnesses that can really impact their life. But people do need to take responsiblity for their lives and actions and realize it’s not all about them and that life isn’t easy. The problem is that everyone seems to think they’re an expert these days and everyone loves to use social media as their soapbox to stand upon.
Yes, going to the DMV is no fun and I do get anxious going there, but I still tough it out and go. The problem with saying stuff like this is that when you use words like anxiety too much, they can loose all meaning. I do know people who do have genuine diagnosed anxiety, but they don’t use the word constantly.
I get that in the old days, there was a stigma against therapy and mental health issues were often swept under the rug. But, it would be nice if we could find a middle ground between not acknowleding mental health issues and overusing threapy speak and acting like everything has a huge affect on mental health…
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When I was working as a psychotherapist (taking a break due to health issues), and a client described feelings of anxiety about going to DMV, I likely would have explored this feeling with the client and coping skills they can use to manage the feeling. Of course there are a gazillion websites that describe coping skills for anxiety but sometimes talking to an outsider can help. Not to “prescribe” years of therapy bit just short-term help, such as through a couple of phone sessions via an EAP via their employer.
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Well… true confessions, sometimes, given my background, I do occasionally offer unsolicited advice. 
It’s second nature to want to help “fix” a problem. Have to sometimes stay silent when they may just be venting. That said, frequently they are actually asking for a suggestion. Just yesterday the HVAC guy asked if I was “psychoanalyzing him”. My usual response is “the meter is not running”.
Many years ago I had to call an attorney to clarify if he represented the son or the father. The father was clearly being taken advantage of by the son, but the dad was just in the process of being evaluated and hadn’t yet been declared incompetent. I’ll never forget the attorney’s response, when he said he represented the dad and was aware the son was taking advantage of the dad, but the dad had not yet been declared incompetent, so was able to make bad decisions with his funds (and his yacht). His response was “the law protects those who cannot protect themselves. It does not protect darned fools”.
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True and I don’t deny that. But, I think just not wanting to go to the DMV because it’s such a hassle and it’s so annoying is not a mental health issue, at least for most people. For some people it may be.
But there is a big difference between an annoyance/inconvenience and anxiety related to crowds, or whatever else is causing the stress. Many fears and phobias (take for example the fear of signing one’s name in public, fear of eating in public, tunnels, bridges, elevators, etc. may seem silly to some but can be disabling to others.
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