This board has made me change my mind

Parents Forum Parent Cafe
#1

<p>Thank you all!</p>

<p>I have decided that perhaps what you guys say make some sense after all. (It is certainly less work.) So, for the next school year, I will go the route you guys - at least many of you - recommend when it comes to raising kids. I will stop clamoring for more rigorous academics in school (will probably have to bribe son to deal with the boredom in class, but I can handle that). I will also stop the piano and squash practices. Then I will sit back and watch things unfold. </p>

<p>Not sure what I will do with the private coaching. Any recommendations there? I do know that if I stop the practice the coaching may take care of itself as my son will be kicked out. The only thing that will remain is math, as 15 mins a week is enough there. This will also mean all competitions and tournaments are gone for a year. I think I will face some stiff resistance there from the kid, but again bribing should work out there.</p>

<p>I am not making fun of anyone here, nor being flip. I am genuinely interested to see what happens when a kid is not asked to do anything. Does the kid figure out the short term vs. long term tradeoff and continue to put in hours and hours a day of hard work? I think not, but apparently many kids here very easily do that, so it is worth a try. Things can always be started back up in a year.</p>

<p>I suspect that the time freed up will be picked up mostly by TV and piano banging. But we shall see.</p>

<p>So, rejoice folks. You have changed a mind here, if only for a year.</p>

#2

<p>dear god, you start SOO MANY threads.</p>

<p>anyway, i'm an 18 year old incoming freshman who read that entire thread about the responsibility of parents up until august 9, 2011 5:54 pm. </p>

<p>as an objective figure who've never commented, i doubt what you posted about is what they were saying... but hey, i suppose you're free to think and do whatever you want.</p>

<p>and i only commented cause dear god, you start SOO MANY threads.</p>

<p>have a jolly good day, sir.</p>

#3

<p>If anyone responds to the content of the OP of this thread, I'm going to SCREAM!!!</p>

#4

<p>Sounds like you go from one extreme to another. Ever hear of balance?
Sorry, thumper1, hardly read any of his other stuff.</p>

#5

<p>Nope, never heard of balance. Anyway, the experiential will proceed. The results will be interesting. I will stop posting any more on this thread as it is clearly bugging a lot of folks.</p>

#6

<p>Sorry, thumper1!</p>

<p>IP, I think the over-riding message of this board is that the parents is the expert on their child. Also handing over the running of a child's life over to the teen/adult child. </p>

<p>You know your child best! If you believe what you have been doing has been in your child's best interest, for goodness sake, don't give it up because of what strangers on the internet say. If, on the other hand, some news ideas seem like they might be a good fit for your child, then give them a try.</p>

<p>Best of luck to you and your child.</p>

#7

<p>Kate, Good points, but of course I am not changing because of what some strangers say on the internet. The way I have been raising my kid is a lot of hard work. Let's see what the result is in a year where we do not have to invest at all in the kid. We can always course correct.</p>

#8

<p>IP: I won't recommend experimenting with children. They are precious so treat them like that. Each child is different and should be understood well before taking decision about what to do and what not.</p>

<p>First think, Do you really understand your child weaknesses and strengths? That is where I would put my energy in the earlier years. Give child freedom but be a good observer of the activities. Every child exhibits strengths or weaknesses. A music genious won't have problem picking up tunes or singing difficult verses. An avid reader will finish multiple books and will ask for more and so on...</p>

<p>You will notice these if you are being a good observant. As I mentioned in another threads that the best quality for anyone is to devote quality time for your family. If you devote quality time to the upbringing of your child you will be able to identify their strengths and weaknesses.</p>

<p>There are children who thrive in hard competition while won't perform to the fullest in a non-competitive environment while there are those who get initimidated by competition and will actually have tough time performing to full potential while thrive in a relax environment.</p>

<p>So unless you devote time to understand your child you won't be able to make that decision. So don't experiment with children based on CC parent advise. Put effort to understand your child as that is the key to children happiness and future success.</p>

#9

<p>Good luck with your experiment. Hard to resist the urge to post, huh?</p>

#10

<p>Dear Lord, IP.</p>

<p>"I will stop clamoring for more rigorous academics in school"</p>

<p>I'm pretty sure everyone said the opposite. They said complaining to the teacher, especially in a group setting, is inappropriate. They also said walking in with an air of superiority proclaiming how advanced and bored your son is is inappropriate. If you work constructively with your son's teacher and higher-level teachers in his school, then you can challenge your child. Depending on the age and self-motivation of the child, you and your child can also look into outside academic programs and at your local community college. NO ONE said to sit back and do nothing.</p>

<p>"I will also stop the piano and squash practices."</p>

<p>If you have to force your child to do the practices and if he has no motivation to do them himself, then maybe you should stop them, but if he's happy and wants to do them without daddy forcing him, mommy taking notes, and fear of disappointment, why would you stop them?</p>

<p>"Then I will sit back and watch things unfold."</p>

<p>You're a PARENT, IP. No one said that they sit back and do nothing. They make suggestions, they offer guidance, they force their kids to do some things when need be, but none of these parents said they sit back with a glass of lemonade while their child fails. It is important, however, for the child to learn if he does fail. The parent helps there, too, by the way. It's insane to think that you think these parents would sit back and do nothing and let the children raise themselves.</p>

<p>"I think I will face some stiff resistance there from the kid, but again bribing should work out there."</p>

<p>So, once again, you're bribing your child to follow your agenda. If he wants to work for the competitions, let him. If not, let him. His life isn't your lab experiment. Let him find his passions. If he finds that he wants to study, don't stop him because you want to prove a point. If he finds that he doesn't want to study, encourage him to find something else to do. It's not working 24/7 vs slacking off.</p>

<p>"I am genuinely interested to see what happens when a kid is not asked to do anything. Does the kid figure out the short term vs. long term tradeoff and continue to put in hours and hours a day of hard work?"</p>

<p>I don't think any parents said they don't ask their children to do anything. They just don't force them to partake in extracurricular activities in a part of some sort of twisted agenda. Of course, the parents teach their children about hard work and trade-offs. It's not something you learn until it's too late otherwise. It's HOW you teach them that counts.</p>

<p>Congratulations, IP. You have managed to combine and exaggerate every parental post that opposes your beliefs. I'm sure your agenda is to get someone to admit that (s)he's wrong, and that you are the superior parent. Parenting is not a competition. Parenting is done for the child. You need to learn who he is, not who you think he is before you flaunt your superiority belt. Please don't hurt your child trying to prove a bunch of Internet strangers wrong.</p>

#11

<p>Oh, and listen to POIH.</p>

#12

<p>"I will also stop the piano and squash practices. "
Do so ONLY when your SON asks you to stop! If HE has a passion for music, then support him! Dont throw the baby out with the bath water. Just let him know that at this point, he has responsibility for how much he practices- some skin in the game as it were. Tell him that if he wants you to pay for lessons then he need to make it worth your while and practice so that he and his teacher are pleased with his progress! Music has to be self rewarding, and not just for others pleasure or approval.</p>

#13

<p>You seem really angry IP.
Why?</p>

#14

<p>
[quote]
I have decided that perhaps what you guys say make some sense after all. (It is certainly less work.) So, for the next school year, I will go the route you guys - at least many of you - recommend when it comes to raising kids.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>
[quote]
of course I am not changing because of what some strangers say on the internet.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Man, this is like playing Whack-A-Mole.</p>

#15

<p>Please stay the course with your kid.</p>

<p>I will tell you a little story.</p>

<p>My son had been taking tae kwon do for 6 years.</p>

<p>He was just four months away from getting his black belt.</p>

<p>He quit.</p>

<p>I am a divorced father, so he is under the influence of his mother.</p>

<p>She let him quit.</p>

<p>It makes me sick to this day, because it was like quitting college with one semester to go.</p>

<p>Kids need to be pushed. If not, they will play video games all day.</p>

<p>They need to be enrolled in special programs, to keep them well occupied, and constructively occupied.</p>

<p>I am jewish, and suspect that some jewish fathers and indian fathers have a lot in common.</p>

<p>The kids on this sight telling you to lighten up on your kid, by and large, have not worked a day in their whole life. They know nothing of the real world. Sophomores in college, who two years ago were borrowing money from their mother to go to Starbucks, now suddenly, have all the answers. The parents giving you this advice, I believe, contribute to the decline of America, because they teach their kids that is OK not to strive for excellence.
My ex wife has taught my kid that "that's good enough", instead of, "that's good, but now try for better"</p>

#16

<p>^ Have you read any of his prior posts?</p>

#17

<p>IP,
Life isn't only BLACK or WHITE. There is a middle option between driving a car too fast and and taking your hands off the wheel and seeing what happens . Good drivers do neither. The same applies to the opposite xtremes of forcing a child to do something , because you can as a parent, and not requiring a child to do anything. </p>

<p>The middle [ gray] option is to teach the child to learn to drive, when he is ready, a bit at a time, to allow him to take the wheel, with parental supervision, and let him to get the feel of it. To let him determine how he spends his free time, as long as he knows that slacking off wont improve his athletic or musical abilities. That hard work has its own rewards, that the mastery of a skill will make him feel good about himself, and will make his parents proud.</p>

<p>We CC oldtimers have seen a lot of kids "crash", when they hit college and the parents, who controlled their lives up until then, are no longer there.</p>

#18

<p>Well, I say good for you! It worked for us (but then we did it from day one). Both my kids watch and watched much less tv than we did or do, the piano banger became a concert pianist, both are launched into great, highly competitive careers, and we saved an awful lot of angst along the way. We had FUN!</p>

<p>(P.S. Forget rigor in school. You - and they - don't need school at all.)</p>

#19

<p>Mini, it's cool that your kid became a concert pianist! That's quite an accomplishment.</p>

#20

<p>I feel so sad for you, IndianParent. You are clearly hurting. Please don't hate yourself and take it out on those around you. Get help from a counselor or trusted friend. Your life does not have to be consumed by frustration and anger. I will even offer you counsel myself if you care to PM me. I think I speak for all of the fine parents posting in this forum when I say that we want you to be happy and fulfilled. Peace to you, friend.</p>