We are hosting friends and their daughter at our lake cottage this weekend. We boat over to a restaurant last night and DH picks up the tab. I asked him this morning if they ever thanked him. He said profusely when I went to the bathroom ( that wasn’t on purpose).
They didn’t mean to diss me, I get that. But why don’t people think to also thank the spouse? It’s my money too. It just rankles me.
I get frustrated for a similar reason. I can buy the food, marinate the meat/fish, clean the house, make all of the sides, set the table, pour the wine, etc.
Husband comes in with meat off the grill and everyone thanks HIM!
I wouldn’t take it personally. It might just have been the timing. As guests they may have felt they wanted to thank him when the bill was paid, and you just happened to have not been at the table at that time?
This.
I will never forget the time a male friend pulled me aside to make a point of thanking ME because he realized how much work I was also putting in.
Yes! Same. So irritating.
That would be so appreciated!
We live in an apartment building. My husband is the “official” griller when the place has BBQ events. I usually assist at the grill (as he will be cooking dozens of hot dogs). The other residents always thank both of us when we are done.
If this happens, my husband always makes a point of saying I did all the work and he just grilled the meat. (Though around here, it’s unusual that a host will make all the sides - generally everyone coming brings a side or dessert. This is different from where we came from and it took me a while to realize that people mean it when they ask “what can I bring” 
)
For original post, my experience varies, but generally when we pay for a table it’s people we know well enough that they know it’s “our” treat.
We always thank the person who paid with the credit card. These days, even married couples may keep separate finances. When we’re invited to someone’s home for dinner, we thank both hosts. But at a restaurant, we typically only thank the one who paid.
Well, now you know that probably isn’t appreciated. Even with separate finances, they are a couple that makes joint financial decisions. That may seem harsh, so sorry for that. Better to err on the side of thanking both people.
That seems like a person overthinking so I don’t think we will change what we do in a future.
Did you know your husband was going to pick up the tab before this happened?
Yea
You do you. I think it’s not nice.
We are probably not as generous as @conmama and her dh in terms of picking up tabs - lol. However, we generally pick up tabs for mil and ds when we take them out. Dh is always the one who is doing the paying with the credit card, and historically that resulted in their thanking him directly. After I pointed out to dh that this annoyed me, he would say, “And dw/mom.” Now they are both, “trained,” to thank us both.
It is unfortunate that @conmama was away from the table, but it sounds like she knows these folks well and her presence or absence wouldn’t have mattered. Only thanking my dh would annoy me, too. I don’t think she’s overthinking it at all. How individual finances are set up are irrelevant to me. Both extended the invitation - both should be thanked, IMO.
We pay for people here and there, used to pay all the time when I was younger. It seems to me that people thank the person who pulled out the credit card, whether it’s me or my husband. Or they say, “Thanks, you guys”.
If they’re friends, I’d give them the benefit of the doubt. The next time make sure you’re at the table and if they thank H, make sure you chime in first “oh we are happy to do it!” Also let your H know how much this bothers you, so he can let you chime in.
But also, at least for us… when we pick up the check - and usually I’m the one that pays - I say “we will take care of it.” It wouldn’t occur to me to say “I’ve got it”’when H is there. Does your H not do the same?
Actually, maybe an interesting test would be for her to be the one pulling out the credit card and paying for it. And if they thanked the husband and not her, that would be the time to say something.
Ohhhh. Good idea. I don’t take it personal. I just think it’s really thoughtless.
Agree that it might be just thoughtless.
In our family, I’m the one who grills and usually pays. 
I’m a little bit annoyed when the bill is set next to my husband and out of my reach. I don’t know why I usually get out the credit card, I have a wallet on my phone and it’s easy.
They should have thanked both of you and I would never assume that one person was more worthy of being thanked than the other. Because even with separate finances, these things feel like joint decisions.
I know both of my children have somewhat separate finances but make joint decisions.