My husbands mother just passed away. Among her possessions is her mothers diamond ring ( likely worth 50k …she was ostentatious) His mother inherited all of her mothers jewelry because her sister was disowned…for marrying an African American man in 1950. (Her family is white). My mother in law stayed fairly close to her sister and her only niece though they lived far away (in an area where there was a bit more tolerance for interracial marriage). Although she does not live near anyone my husband and his sisters are friendly and in touch with their cousin and see her when she comes in town for family occasions or one of us goes to California where she lives but we don’t see her all that often. She is a successful dentist married to a very successful doctor who comes from big big money ( they put the fabulous in fabulously wealthy…they are wonderful people) so doesn’t need money but we know how much she felt the hurt of her mother being disowned and her grandmother never seeing her. We would like to offer the ring to her but not sure what to say. The truth is we think she is owed it. Will she feel that it’s rude to assume she would want something from someone who treated her family so terribly. Should we acknowledge that when we offer it? What exactly do any of you think is the best way to approach the offer?
Wow, that is a situation. I can see both sides - why would she want something from someone who was so awful to her mother? But then why does your husband’s side get to “keep” everything.
It really sounds like you should have a conversation and offer it. What does your husband think?
My husband definitely wants to offer it. As do his sisters. But all of them would be the first to admit that they’d aren’t good at understanding people’s emotional reactions and thus turned to me so that they “ don’t act insensitively which is the last thing we want”. So just looking at best approach. Be upfront that we understand if she doesn’t want something from this terrible person? Don’t assume her feelings? What would you say? She has no idea this is even a possibility.
Offer the ring.
I commend your husband for his wish to offer the ring to his ostracized relative. From the way you’ve described the situation, the only reason to not offer it is to protect your husband and his family’s feelings in the event the potential-recipient has understandably bad feelings about the entire situation. IMO, that is a totally selfish reason to not offer the ring.
If your husband wants to offer the ring and prove the current family bears no ill will to the family rejected by the grandmother, the way to do it is to simply offer the ring, and listen thoughtfully to the response. And accept the response, whatever it might be.
Simply opening the lines of communication will do far more to repair the damage than anything else that has (not) been done over the past several decades.
I vote unequivocally for making contact and offering the ring.
Did your MIL have a will? Are her children the only beneficiaries? Did she have a bequest specificly concerning the ring? The executor of her will has to dispose of the property strictly in accordance with the will.
If your husband and his sisters are the only beneficiaries, then I see no problem if they all agree. There would be no one to object.
Would it be problematic to offer her the ring and mention that if she’s not comfortable keeping it that she might sell it and donate the proceeds to a charity that promotes racial equity or some other good cause that she supports? Or, could the cousins work together to make a donation from the proceeds? Just a spur of the moment thought, so might not be a good one.
The ring will be offered for absolute sure. Only question is what to say when we do. Do we preface with acknowledgement of hurt caused? Or just offer and see what she says.
With respect to other questions. The will split everything to my husband and his sisters… Everyone is 1000 percent on board with offering the ring.
And if it wasn’t clear already have relationship with this cousin. We all went to her wedding she was at ours and she comes for family occasions such as for mother in laws 90 th birthday. We just don’t get to see her much because she lives far from us.
Ask her if she’d prefer the ring to be cut into 1 c rounds, and then passed on to several relatives. I do commend the family for generosity but not wishing it to feel like guilt. Personally, I could never wear jewelry from someone who didn’t treat me well. (This is coming from someone who gave away any jewelry from an ex.)
Thanks for that perspective!
Actually a great thought.
Cutting a large stone into smaller rounds cuts the value of the piece by a huge degree. Far better to sell it as is and divide the proceeds if the current stone is too controversial.
If it were me- I’d write a note, describing the ring and an off the cuff valuation “Our local jeweler believes that a 3 carat, D color stone such as this could be worth 50K if it were sold”, and then say that the entire family would like her to have the ring if she wants it, or the proceeds of its sale if she prefers.
Don’t put her in a position of refusing the ring because she things you all assume that she’s going to wear it and cherish it every day…
"My siblings and I feel the way our grandmother treated you (your mother) was horrible and inexcusable. We apologize for not reaching out sooner and trying to be a part of your live(s). My mother recently passed away and we children would like to do whatever we can to begin to mend familial bridges. To begin, we’d like to offer part of our mother’s inheritance from her mother to you, as you rightly deserve it. [describe the item.] We apologize for not making contact sooner, but we all look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
xxx xxx xxx"
That’s an interesting proposition.
I wouldn’t be surprised if she wasn’t interested in having a piece of jewelry from someone who held her in disdain, especially something as personal and treasured as a ring, and even more so if she is already wealthy.
My guess is there’s nothing your H or his sisters can do to erase the pain her grandmother caused her that they haven’t already done (love her and accept her as family). But, it is nice to try.
Just to be clear we already have a good relationship with this cousin. So did mother in law who would sneak out of her house when a teenager to see her older sister who had been disowned ( cousins mom). We don’t see her much because she lives far away and is very busy but see her maybe once every 1-2 years. So not close enough that we talk all the time but only good feelings on both sides.
In that case, I say just make the offer. I don’t understand the reticence. It sounds like everyone knows and gets along with everyone else and that this relationship is longstanding.
Just make the offer. It sounds like it should go well, whether the recipient accepts or rejects the ring.
As always, I agree with you, Blossom. Perhaps sell the current ring, and buy several rings, thus having some fellowship among the expanded family. The point is to
“We would love for you to have this ring but we’re not sure how you feel about it. Can we set up a time to chat?”
Is her mother, your aunt in law still alive? Did your mother in law ever express a desire for her mother’s jewelry to be distributed to her niece? I think the rejected sister would feel the sting more than her daughter. My aunt didn’t follow terms of her mother’s will and my siblings and I would have appreciated our cousins sharing their inheritance when their mother died.
I think a simple, we all feel this should belong to you but understand if you would rather not keep it, suffices.
I don’t see why you need to raise the difficult emotional details at all.
If anything, trying to raise these concerns IS bringing them up, reminding her, and risks disappointing any pleaseure she might have had. She can make own decision whether to accept it, wear it, or cut it, sell it, donate, give to someone else. Or put it in a safety box and ignore it for now.
I think simply offering it is respectful of this cousin.
Maybe, simply: “We’d like to pass this ring to you.” DH could say, “It was my mother’s.” True.
If you have to explain the origin, why not, simply, “It was given to her by (that grandmother?)”
I just think the more you project into this, the more complicated. And you described this cousin as mature, successful, grounded.
If I were in your niece’s position I would be touched if the ring was given to me per the grandmother’s will (to show a sign of remorse and reconciliation). I don’t see the point of taking a ring of someone who wanted nothing to do with my mother. Every time I looked at the ring it would just inflict pain. What’s in a piece of jewelry anyway (aside from the cash value)? It is a symbol of love and reminder of good feelings. No, I wouldn’t offer it to her. If you think she should get something from the estate, give her cash.
I am leaving all my jewelry to my girls. Some are worth a lot of money, but I know when my girls look at my jewelry they will be thinking of me and my love for them, not the value of jewelry.