Thoughts on advice.

Parent Cafe
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<p>While it has been a * long time* since I had young children, I remember how intense it seemed, that every incident could affect them * for the rest of their life*. ( I guess that is what therapy is for :wink: )</p>

<p>The myriad number of parenting books/workshops/advice columnists didnā€™t help. Contradicting each other too. From Ferber to the Family Bed, Dr. Laura to Dr. Spock. It was really confusing, and when you felt like your own family background didnā€™t prepare you for parenting, it was easy to always 2nd guess yourself.</p>

<p>Several parents have mentioned that they had children who were born prematurely. I know how intense that can be from experience. My first was born 10 weeks early, spent 8 weeks in the hospital, and the whole premie rollercoaster, inc surgery, and multiple transfusions.</p>

<p>But that actually was empowering. While I would never choose to have a child with medical issues, the feedback I received from the staff at the teaching hospital was very reassuring. We also participated in a study ( through the hospital) of high risk infants that lasted till she was 8, and the positive attention gave me confidence that I was doing something right. It also helped to get perspective when others would make comments about how small she was, or about her gross motor delay.</p>

<p>Being a very young couple, with little education, and even less family support- I think that we really lucked out by having a child who just barreled right along. I read a lot of parenting books, because I was anxious to make it up to her, even though her premature birth was because she was in fetal distress ( from tying her cord in three knots), not from anything I had done.
( I emphasize this because behind some of the posts on CC, I sense an attempt to make life smoother for our kids- for them to relive our lives but do it " the right way" & I think that because kids can read us so well, for a while it seems to work, because they want to please us- but they canā€™t be our do-over, besides we are still living our own life- we just might need to be reminded of that)</p>

<p>We had moved when she was just over a year, because of toxicity in our house ( the landlord had used illegal pesticide & it was making both of us ill), to a neighborhood with few kids.
One of the best things I did, was find a neighborhood co-op preschool through the community college. That not only gave her peers to play with, but a parenting instructor that met weekly with small group of parents was also part of the program. Being able to watch and talk with other parents was enormously helpful, as I needed so much guidance, I wouldnā€™t have known where to start.</p>

<p>This was so long ago, that I havenā€™t thought about it for a while, but it has been coming back to me, from issues on other threads, and because I have been sorting through some of the kids old books and toys in an effort to not only gain some space, but to see other kids get some use out of them.
( Our neighborhood now has more young families than ever before- lots of little kids :slight_smile: )</p>

<p>I have found various connections online to be helpful, but I think there is also a danger in that we may only listen to those who already agree with us.
At least I find that while I value some folks online opinions very much, I am getting better about talking to people IRL, who know my situation. I think help can be more " helpful" when we arenā€™t in total control over known details. </p>

<p>A few things that I have tried to keep in mind now that my kids are adults & that I have been living with my husband for over 30 years ( !)</p>

<p>Besides the old but true standby of " we canā€™t change anyone, but ourselves" & " we always have a choice- ( in how we respond) even with death and taxes"</p>

<p>We canā€™t keep the people we care about from getting hurt or disappointed.
We* can *help to give them the skills to look beyond setbacks and to make lemonade out of lemons.
Itā€™s OK to make a bad decision, if we eventually learn from it.
Yes our kids deserve perfect parents, but we arentā€™ and even if we were, I am sure that our version of " perfect " would be different from our childrens.</p>

<p>My parents had very few books when I was a child-:
Portrait in Courage, The Tin Drum, The Feminine Mystique & Dr Spock were half the bookshelf that wasnā€™t Horton hears a Who or Valley of the Dolls .
this book however, was one that I dipped into often
[The</a> Rubaiyat](<a href=ā€œhttp://www.therubaiyat.com/]Theā€>http://www.therubaiyat.com/)</p>

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<p>That quotation is actually from Khalil Gibranā€™s The Prophet.</p>

<p>Thank you for the thoughtful post.</p>

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<p>Thanks consolation- I could have sworn that was from the Rubiayat- now I am gonna have to see if my mom still has that translation! I must have combined the two books in my memory.
Beautiful image though.</p>

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<p>I that poem, especially the last 3 lines. Made me feel so much better, and less ā€œnow Iā€™m not needed any more!ā€ when DS headed off to college.</p>

<p>Another preemie mom here. Maybe Iā€™m callous, but I have very little sympathy for women who are 8 months pregnant and complaining about their aches and pains and canā€™t-wait-to-get-this-kid-out. Anyone who has sat next to an isolette watching their tiny baby with wires and tubes snaking out of him/her would trade that for a few more weeks of pregnancy in a heartbeat! It is hard to overcome that ā€œmy child is so fragileā€ mindset thatā€™s seared into you those first few weeks (especially if this is your first baby, as mine was).</p>

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<p>oh I dunno lafalum, My 2nd was a term vbac and I was pretty much ready to be done with the pregnancy - I couldnā€™t believe how swollen everything became!
The nursery visit though was pretty bizarre as my 2nd was in the same place in the NICU nursery ( she had aspirated meconium) & had the same primary care nurse as her sister did 8 years before. cue Twilight Zone music here .</p>

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<p>I tell my kids ā€œDonā€™t worry about anything you hear about having children ā€¦ because your experience will be different.ā€ So far neither one is buying that.</p>