<p>I read most and skimmed some of this thread so forgive me if I repeat a little.</p>
<p>Ask your parents why they want you to stay close. See if you can identify if it is a financial concern, a safety concern, an “I love you and would miss you too much” concern, a combination of those or what. Just the process of identifying these can be helpful for your parents - they may find that their fears are not based in reality when they say them out loud. </p>
<p>Also, you making the effort to try to understand where they are coming from can only help everyone.</p>
<p>If they can tell you, then you can begin to brainstorm ways to address these concerns and also get what you want.</p>
<p>You mentioned the last one - your parents would like you to stay close so you’re more likely to “come home” after college. Of course what you do after college really is beyond their control. Not sure if it’s useful to point that out or not. It’s certainly useful to point out that they will always be your parents and part of your life and you’d want to spend time with them wherever you live…but your post-grad location choice is not really something that should be part of the choosing a college process, IMO.</p>
<p>Once you are clear about what feelings and concerns are behind their preference, maybe think on that and then when the accepts and FA/scholarships come in, start the conversation again. If MN really is cheaper, maybe it can be agreed that you will come home more often because there is $ for that, or something?</p>
<p>PS: I went to college about an hour from home (NYC). Six months later my mom took a job 10 hours from home (in the midwest, actually). For 10 years I did college, first jobs, life and lived in our family apartment. Later on got married, had a baby. 3 months later my husband and son and I all moved to the midwest town my mom had moved to 10 years before, with some help and encouragement from her and my stepdad.</p>
<p>She not only let me go - she took off and left ME - and now we’re all together again and she gets to babysit the grandkids and see their sports and music and all that.</p>
<p>You just never know how things will turn out. I never would have called this but it has been great for us. Maybe you’ll have a career in Minn and your parents will retire to a lake cabin nearby :)</p>
<p>We live in the midwest and sent our D off to college last Fall to California. We are now empty nesters and it was certainly difficult to send our “baby” 1/2 way across the country. We’ve figured out the best flights and shuttles for her travels and it has worked out fine. Our S goes to college 90 minutes away from us so at least we have one close by. While it was difficult to let her go, we feel that one of our important jobs as a parent is to give our children “wings” so they feel comfortable to pursue their dreams; wherever that may take them. However I also understand a parent’s desire to keep their children close as we really miss them when they are gone!</p>
<p>Ipepper - You’ve probably heard this before on CC, and it is so true… Parents of highschool kids hold on a lot more tightly than parents of college kids. It’s a big transition that takes time, and it’s much harder for parents when their kids are still in HS to imagine them far away. By the time they actually leave for school, parents tend to be more on-board with the separation. A lot of the anxiety parents feel is anticipatory and will eventually lighten up. So perhaps your anticipatory fears will also disappear when the time comes to go.</p>
<p>ipepper94, this is not for you, so cover your eyes; this is “grown folks talk”.</p>
<p>I was one of those kids who moved four hours away, suddenly, and halfway though my HS senior year, then 3000 miles away a few years after that. I said “it’s only a plane ride!”. My parents never batted an eye. </p>
<p>I met a guy who’d never been far from home, I wondered what’s HIS problem?, and when I moved 3000 miles away, he came too. Since then my folks died, and my kids grew up far removed from our culture, and from our families. My son actually…“misrepresents” this on his facebook page. They both connect more deeply with “home” in their minds than they do in real life. </p>
<p>We made no rules for our kids, and I don’t worry about where they will end up. But I no longer think “whats wrong?” with people who stay close to home.</p>
<p>In the end, most parents just want their kids happy and thriving in college. But sometimes there are bumps on the road, and if you suspect your kid will have a tough time err toward closer.</p>
<p>My daughter is on the other side of the country. In general is okay but when she has a problem I just wish I could jump in my car and be there even if it was a long drive. Where she is right now it would take me 28 hours according to google maps or pay $500 for a ticket that is normally $200 (I received one of those calls that made me look into it just a few hours ago)</p>
<p>shrinkrap - I couldn’t wait to get away. Even as a young adult I liked being so grown up and living on my own. I ended up moving back there after awhile because I missed all the family stuff. Sure enough I met someone, and right before we got married he got a dream job back where I just had come from and we moved 4 hours away.</p>
<p>I had kids without grandparents nearby, without a strong relationship with cousins and when I see the other cousins and how close they are it has always made me a little sad for my kids. I also had no help at first with babies, no babysitters, no drop off for a night to give me a break, etc. We did the best we could, but from time to time I felt regretful over the distance.</p>
<p>We lived 4 hours away from family until our kids were in high school. The kids have very close relationships with grandparents and cousins because we made sure they did. My MIL came and stayed with us for 3 weeks when our kids were born. We used Grandparents for times when we were going to be away for several days, but otherwise had a very well established babysitting network with teens and adult friends that it was never an issue to get away for an evening, etc. It is what you make of it I guess.</p>
<p>We also raised our children hours from any family. We visited and made sure the kids had a relationship with grandparents and cousins but I do think it is different from having a more natural, organic situation with lots of relatives nearby , more informal visiting,etc. When people are in far flung places, everything by necessity has to be more planned out. I also have some regrets that my kids were not raised closer to family but we did the best we could with fairly frequent visiting even with all grandparents at least 8 hours away. It is also difficult to be so far away when elderly parents start developing medical issues . But these are the kinds of things that most 17 year olds are not thinking about. The college years really are a time when you can branch out and explore before the realities of kids and family and mortgages intrude on your life! :)</p>
<p>sevmom–yes, the elderly parent issue can be challenging. In our case, however, my Dad’s job took THEM away from “home” vs us leaving :). You just can’t predict what is going to happen in the future. They are working on getting back “home” now that they are retired but the housing market is a huge issue so for now they are staying put. We are lucky that some of the kids’ activities take them to places near their home so they are able to see the kids quite a bit. They live 9 hours away and have been to more of the kids’ “stuff” than the grandparents that live 20 minutes away so the effort does go both ways.</p>
<p>The plus side is that our kids have a HUGE extended non-related “family”. We have a couple sets of friends that are “grandparent” age so they are like 2 more sets of grandparents to our kids.</p>
<p>ipepper - I meet so many men here who - much to their surprise - have settled here with the MN girls they married! </p>
<p>Who knows what the future holds? I agree that college is the perfect time to try out a different part of the country. As others have said, though, there is a slightly higher hassle factor and what I would call a “risk factor” discussed above as the lack of a safety net or not being able to easily get to campus for a health or other situation where a face to face visit would be comforting. </p>
<p>Yes, one can foster loving and close relationships with far flung relatives, we have done so for decades. We had great babysitters too. However, it is not the same as cousins growing up going to each other’s birthday parties/concerts/sporting stuff regularly or grandma coming over for coffee or to hang out while mom/dad grab a casual dinner out or go together to a teacher conference. My kids have often expressed the wish that their cousins were closer. </p>
<p>Of course, one could stay close to home for school and still not have that longer term proximity for other reasons! I say follow your heart after doing some reseach and having some important conversations with your parents. Good luck!</p>
<p>A tricky thing about going to college is the transition from needing to please your parents, tow their line, follow their rules, espouse their beliefs, meet their expectations, etc. to developing and and meeting ones that you have for yourself. On many issues there wont be much of a disconnect. </p>
<p>The problem comes on those issues where there is a disconnect. If you took the time to search other prior College Confidential Parent threads, you would see that there is a very substantial disagreement among parents on what is appropriate in this transition. </p>
<p>Some parents firmly believe that if they are part of the funding of college, there is nothing to decide whenever there is a disconnect while in college–the student just does whatever the parent wants. CC discussions have addressed this in regard to meeting the communications expectations of the parents. Some parents state that a significant failure by their student to communicate with them on a schedule and frequency that the parent wants is grounds for withhold financial assistance in paying for college.</p>
<p>This do as the parent says usually extends to when the student is in the family home at breaks, summer etc. --as long as you are under my roof, you are going to follow my rules. </p>
<p>As one poster on your thread has mentioned, for some parents there is a difference in how protective (and/or controlling) that parent is of a high school student and a college student. You can hope that is the case with your mother.</p>
<p>Some parent/posters have related their experiences with a level of parental control/anxiety that caused the rupture of the relationship during college. Some have discussed how acquiescing to the parental control/anxiety (where to attend, what majors to chose, whether or not to join certain clubs/groups, whether to return home every holiday or every summer, etc.) has led to life-long resentment. </p>
<p>There has been mention about normal. I suggest the issue is not one of normal or not. The issue is what will it take so that you are not angry at yourself so that you dont turn that anger on your mom. You cannot change her. You can only make sure that you dont begin to hate her because you cannot (or wont) stand up to her.</p>
<p>I see 07’s points but would also say that this doesn’t have to be a confrontation where the OP “stands up to them” and the parents “back down”.</p>
<p>It can be a process, an ongoing discussion where everyone talks about fears and options and hopefully both parties feel good about the decision made. Then again, I am the daughter of a professional mediator, and this is always her approach. In fact she has been hired to mediate this very type of dispute :)</p>
<p>The OP doesn’t actually have admission or FA yet, so concrete decisions will not be made for awhile. Still good to start the discussion, though, I think.</p>
<p>As was mentioned above, “normal” isn’t necessarily relevant, but I’ll tell you what I’ve done and seen.</p>
<p>It is “normal” for freshmen parents to visit campus on parent/family weekend in the fall. It is “normal” for parents who live close enough to come see their student play in sporting events if they’re on a varsity team, or to see their performer in a play or concert.</p>
<p>We try to get to our kids’ campuses once per semester. For my daughter, this means we fly to her campus, rent a car, and get a hotel room. We do it for parent/family weekend in the fall and for her birthday in the spring. We probably wouldn’t go for her birthday except that her campus schedule has her there from early January to mid-May. She doesn’t come home between January term and spring semester because that’s when they do sorority recruitment, and she doesn’t come home for Spring break because she goes on service trips. </p>
<p>My son always seemed happy to see us arrive, and almost as happy to see us leave. My daughter seems to really enjoy our visits - perhaps because she knows there’s no chance we’re going to drop in unannounced at any other time.</p>
<p>Even my D’s boyfriend, who is a senior, got a visit from his parents one weekend last fall - and he’s a 9 hour drive (or plane flight) from home.</p>
<p>Well, thanks to everyone for the feedback. I thought I’d update with an important piece of info: I just received my acceptance letter to the U of Minnesota. No scholarship decision yet, as those don’t come until later on. I did feel like I was able to facilitate discussion much easier, as I was able to point out to my mom that UM is $10,000 cheaper per year than UD (assuming no FA). Normally, this kind of talk would have been shunned. Of course, she did still mention the distance, and how she “really hopes I get accepted to Delaware”. I guess this is a gradual process, and hopefully a sizable scholarship from UM will help break the geographical barrier even more.</p>
<p>I did not read the whole thread, but it is REALLY COLD in Minnesota. The people in the Midwest are warm and friendly, though. Good luck with your decision.</p>
<p>With all due respect to responsible parents, I am getting a helicopter parent vibe here.
An fyi to nervous moms…I assume ALL colleges have a student health center close nearby - don’t they?
This whole obsession that has come up on this thread with illness/emergencies never crossed my mind before, though I took routine note (back at the start of my kid’s freshman yr) there is a student health center and hospital near student lives (on campus at a major university). My student is aware of what to do, has a medical insurance card, etc. If a real med emergency occurred, I would have to fly out owing to distance, but there are a lot of flights. My student has dorm staff and peers, too.
One has to have reasonable confidence in normal everyday lives happening (unless student has a chronic illness when going off to school -that’s different and could/should affect location choices) - I just cannot imagine under ordinary circumstances prioritizing one’s student attending school “nearby” (definition may vary, I think).
Travel is truly routine for many people nowadays, not a novelty…</p>
The people in the Midwest are warm and friendly, though. Good luck with your decision.</p>
. This is NOT a good winter for college kids to judge winters in MN…</p>