This has come up for S26, and I’m not sure how I feel. I’d love to know what other people’s experiences have been.
My S22 is rooming with a friend from high school. S22 attends UW Tacoma, and Friend attends the art school that’s about 3 blocks away.
UW Tacoma doesn’t really have dorms, and there’s no food service, so it started out as a “roll your own” sort of college experience. (Over 50% of the students are “non-traditional”, so they have jobs and lives and stuff…)
So far they seem to have been good for each other. And they have acquired an interesting amalgamation of friends (some from each school).
2 Likes
I think the answer is…it depends.
DD had a roommate freshman year whose boyfriend attended the same college. About a week into the first term, a room opened up in the dorm the boyfriend was in, so DDs roommate elected to move.
This gal and the boyfriend broke up before Christmas.
5 Likes
I’ve seen every variation under the sun- from semi-disastrous to “it’s fine”.
My observation is that it’s generally “fine” as long as both parties are optimizing their own personal choice, and not making “OMG, I won’t know anyone” the key criterion.
One young woman who turned down an HYP for the State U where her HS boyfriend was going. She lasted one semester at State U; after the breakup she had the presence of mind to call the regional adcom for a candid discussion and the original college accepted her as a sophomore transfer with her original aid package. According to the mom, the BF’s attitude was “who asked you to follow me here?” and the daughter’s version was “I gave up my dream college for this %^&*–hole?” Both of which were- sadly- somewhat true.
DO NOT ROOM WITH A FRIEND FROM HS. That seems to be an accelerant for the bad stuff. One roomie is determined to make new friends, explore new interests, try on new identities-- “don’t call me Margie, I’ve hated that name since first grade, my name is Marjorie”. The other roomie is feeling abandoned when they aren’t meeting up for lunch every day and planning study breaks together.
I think you can support your kid by making sure that among all the trade-offs involved in picking a college, being close to the friend or SO isn’t one of them!!!
7 Likes
S25 has had the same girlfriend since the fall of freshman year. They’re great together, and we adore her. Her family feels the same about him.
The way I see it, there are no good options:
They go to the same school. I want them to have their own experiences, and experience something different - not a repeat of high school.
The go to different schools and try to do the long distance thing. I want them to fully experience college and not pine for someone who is far away.
They break up. We’ll all be heartbroken. I know that marrying your high school sweetheart is unlikely, and it’s not my dream that they get married, but we’ll still all be very sad.
They’re applying to different schools, but there is some overlap. Time will tell.
3 Likes
My D is married to her high school boyfriend. They each pursued their own college plans with our encouragement and ended up doing long distance for college. They each attended college out of state at a school that was a great personal fit. Challenging and they really missed each other but they made it work and got married as soon as they had both graduated. They’re very happy. A big positive of long distance is the need to learn to communicate well. It’s really benefitted them in their marriage so far.
I’m also happily married to my high school boyfriend. We attended the same college for a time (we each lived at home and commuted- he attended CC for two years then transferred in to the same college I attended). The college itself was a good choice for both of us. No issues there. Neither of us made a lot of college friends. We may have if we had been able to live in the dorms, but that wasn’t a possibility. If I had a do-over, maybe I’d do long distance instead, because it would have been an opportunity for some personal growth on my own. I did have other college acceptances that would have involved debt and as it was I graduated debt free. On the other hand maybe I wasn’t ready for that much independence anyway. It’s hard to say.
3 Likes
Agree with not rooming with a HS friend. DD went to a somewhat local college, so there was an assortment from her class that went. Those that roomed together are no longer friends. DD had a friend ask to room together but I told her it would be better for them to have two separate rooms so if one wanted to escape their own room, they had another place to hang out for a while.
DD also had a HS boyfriend. He was a year behind her, so she was able to just choose what she was going to do and the next year he ended up 4 hours away from her. They actually made it through 2.5 years of her college time but now she is engaged to a boy from freshman dorm lol. I do wonder if he’d followed her if she would have gotten tired of him sooner, or if it would have been harder to break up.
It’s not necessarily a problem to end up in the same place as a friend/s.o. as long as your kid is going to a place that is good for them in the other respects. Would he be good with that school even if the other person(s) end up not going?
3 Likes
S26 and his GF have been together since middle school. She’s great, and they’re good for each other, but who knows what the future holds.
They have never attended the same school, so I can see why getting to do so is tempting. But I feel like replicating what they have now, different groups, different friend groups, and close enough to see each other on weekends, would be kind of perfect. Of course that’s easy to imagine, but harder to make happen.
2 Likes
Going to college with a friend:
I have seen some kids seemingly throw darts at a wall when making a college list, and apply to colleges because that’s where their friend(s) are applying, too. When decision time came around, there were kids that chose College X because their friend(s) were going there, not because they were particularly drawn to the school itself. Those situations, where a student chooses a college because of the friends they know, rather than the school itself? Not to be hyperbolic, but all of them had an unhappy year at college. Of the kids I know across my social groups: in the 2023 class, those that went “with” their friends or girlfriend/boyfriends have all left their school, and are either taking a gap year this year or they transferred.
Now, this is different than students who only coincidentally apply to the same school (e.g. 10 kids in their class apply to Williams) and upon acceptance they decide to attend because they want to go to that school, for the school itself. Who may or may not attend with them is immaterial to these applicants. Those kids do just fine.
Socially, I would encourage kids to not room with friends. It affects their social lives typically in negative ways: they don’t feel a need to go out and meet people, or join clubs or activities. They become a unit, rather than exploring their new lives. And if one of them does head out to meet people and do things, the other can feel neglected, left out, or even abandoned. Instead, room separately and meet up from time to time - make new friends and introduce them to your high school friend! That’s win win.
(I think a lot of the above also applies to romantic relationships.)
2 Likes
Dh and I were high school sweethearts and attended the same U. We both graduated and have been happily married since his sr, my jr yr of college.
IOW, it depends. Trust them. Not all relationships are serious. But if they are, don’t interfere.
2 Likes
My niece went to the same school as her best friend and they roomed together in the dorm and in an apartment for 2 years. Only time they didn’t was when they did study abroad but they both did that at the same time and met up (often) in Europe for adventures (along with a lot of other kids from their school all living in different countries). After college the friend went to law school in DC and my niece moved home and worked for a year or two. Niece looked for a job locally but one company she applied to had an opening in DC, so it worked out that she had friends there. Ironically, friend is now married and back in Denver and niece is still in DC.
My friends from hs mostly went to the same college (state flagship) and remained in a friend group. Two were best friends from hs, were both in nursing, dormed together and got a house off campus together (a great house). One had a boyfriend from hs (and the friend group) and the other a new guy from another town. It was all great until it wasn’t. Senior year the boyfriends had a physical fight and the two women never spoke again. The big group of friends stayed friends, only excluding these two (the fight was the fault of the hometown boyfriend, and charges were filed).
So it can work or it can be a disaster.
1 Like
I would discourage it if it was the only reason, but if it’s the right college for each of them… no issues. However, I would probably discourage them from rooming together /spending all their time with each other as college is supposed to be new pastures, spreading wings (insert cliche here) etc.
D19’s college assigns random roommates to freshmen, kind of to force incoming freshmen to meet others from diverse backgrounds /not be insular/not stay in established cliques etc. While they would try match roommates in terms of the questionnaire about habits, they would purposely look for people from say different regions to room together. It worked well for my D. She knew a couple other people from her school at the college (opposite coast) but didn’t seem to hang out much with them and has found a great new set of besties (who are all now graduated but still share an apartment).
1 Like
I went to college with a friend from high school. She wasn’t my closest friend, but we hung around together here & there. We roomed together freshman year, and it was great - it gave us a support system as we navigated the social aspect of college. We made friends in common & friends on our own. We roomed with other people after freshman year - no falling out, it just worked out that way. 40+ years after graduation, we live a plane ride from each other, rarely see each other in person, but are BFFs.
D transferred sophomore year, and she roomed with a friend she met at her first college who was also transferring to that school. It was really good for them to have each other as they found their way at the new school, and they roomed together for their final three years. They’ve been out of school more than a dozen years & talk to each other often.
I don’t actually know anyone who went to college with their HS significant other & eventually married them. I know people who married their HS significant other, but they didn’t go away to school together. That’s just my circle of friends, though.
1 Like
My kid chose where to go based on what school felt best for him. He didn’t take into account his HS friends. His best friend from HS comes to visit periodically. They have both grown a lot and since they don’t see each other often - they have plenty of stories to share. I generally think it’s better to use college as a chance to grow as an individual. I see ADULTS in my area who have known each other from HS, went to college together, and socialize as adults. I’m glad it’s worked out great for them --but I think I would find that stifling. I am a MUCH different person than I was in HS. I wouldn’t want to carry that baggage around with me. And I always tell my daughter - at her age don’t follow a boy around. Haha. But you know – everyone’s story is different.
I roomed with HS friend and it was great. We never had schedules that meshed in the least but I met her friends and she met mine so we expanded our friend group pretty fast. Add another HS friend in a different dorm and we really had a great group extremely fast.
Plus I knew I could trust her which made rooming very easy. I’ll admit we’re both fairly easy going and pretty much same level in housekeeping etc. so it was a good match all around.
1 Like
DD met the now fiance in freshman year december 2018 he was sophomore.
Her junior year one left dorms for shared rental house on campus she shared with 2 , one the now fiance. He lived with her her senior senior year too and his first year work.
They moved from there in midwest, to northeast to a rental appartment my daughter is now 3rd year PhD student and he works other department same university. They are into their 6th year relationship. They are only couple of their social circle that survived the C2020 all others broke up, much stress etc.
Both daughter and fiance are serious people who manage things in life ups and downs very well. Fiance is american polish italian ancestry and she is from EU. They grow together good.
My D and her high school boyfriend are long distancing (they are both seniors now). Their colleges are about 3.5 hours apart and they see each other twice a month on average. D was also accepted to her BF’s college, but I put my foot down on her going - it wasn’t one of her top choices and she would only be going because he was. She didn’t fight me on it at the time but did ask about transferring during an emotional phone call freshman year after having a rough week (my husband was a hard no on that). They recently did a semester long study abroad together with their respective colleges (same city, different programs). Both are Dean’s List students.
Prior to starting her freshman year, I had many conversations with her about the impact of having a boyfriend on the social part of her college experience. They tried a breakup before leaving for college, but both were absolutely miserable and got back together after 2 weeks.
She has a nice group of friends at both her college and his and many in these groups also have long term partners. She joined a sorority and enjoyed participating in those activities. Nonetheless, I do think there were subtle impacts on the social aspects of her college experience when I compare it to my older daughter’s experience, without having a boyfriend (for example, on college breaks and spring break, D and her BF always do something together vs. going somewhere with their respective friend groups). She has gravitated toward friends who also have boyfriends, so there hasn’t been pressure to go out to meet guys.
Early on in her college days, I struggled a little bit with it because I was worried that she was missing out, but I’ve come to the realization that they are each other’s best friend, and they want to spend time together - what everyone else is doing doesn’t matter to them. It helps that our family likes him a lot. Neither of them seems to have regrets about the impact on their college experience.
3 Likes
I roomed with a friend from high school sophomore through senior years. We didn’t room together freshman year because we had heard that saying about not living with friends. Turned out to not be true for us at all. We are still friends.
My cousin’s son went to college with his high school sweetheart and they dated all through college and got married and have a baby boy now.
1 Like
Anecdote of one: I went to the same college as a boyfriend. Was a great college choice for both of us. I’d say objectively the best option in both cases. But the circumstance (going to college with a BF)? Terrible. I do NOT recommend. (This was a zillion years ago, and I’m glad the relationship ended, but I wouldn’t wish the sadly predictable anguish — two people branching out and wanting new experiences but not usually on the same timeline as one another — on anyone). Of course the same logic applies to trying the long distance thing, I guess. Choosing a college because of a relationship - I’m a hard NO on that.
3 Likes
Re: high school friends and college. Back in the dark ages, I transferred from a college where I had no HS friends, to an instate university where I had a LOT of HS friends who I really like. Guess what? These many years later, I’m still friendly with many of these high school and college and beyond friends.
I did make new friends at my colleges, and do keep in touch with a few people…but not as frequently as my HS friends. We just share so many years of personal history…that can’t be duplicated.
1 Like