My daughter is a freshman at UC Berkeley and to my surprise, she joined a sorority last fall. I was not involved in greek life during college so I know very little. I guess I’m wondering how “normal” some things are. One, they seem to party quite a bit. During the semester they take off on mini two or three day trips. Two, they seemingly only hang out with other greeks. I was hoping she was going to spread her wings and join different clubs and organizations and meet many other students but so far she hasn’t. The sorority almost seems somewhat cult like.On instagram she is ONLY with her sisters, and nobody else (except a few with roomie). Three, the girls seem so preoccupied with their appearance. My daughter went from being a pretty high school kid to someone who now wears full makeup to class. She looks like she’s twenty one instead of eighteen. Maybe it’s just me missing my little kid 
what have your experiences been? Was greek life a positive?
I think it varies by sorority and by school. My daughter intentionally chose a school without Greek life because a) it didn’t interest her, and b) she didn’t like the idea of a possible separation of the student body into Greeks and non-Greeks.
She does show me social media posts from former high school peers who are in sororities. Apparently sororities are sort of “ranked” too, although I don’t really understand what this would be based on - what makes one “better” than another? Some of them sound similar to what you are describing: the focus seems to be on social activities and looking pretty, and in photos it’s literally hard to tell these girls apart because they all dress exactly the same, wear their hair exactly the same, heck, I even saw a photo of an outdoor party where literally every girl had on the exact same Adidas sneakers. But then one of my daughter’s best friends is in a sorority and the membership looks really diverse in many ways, girls are of different races and ethnicities, tall, short, thin, not thin, dress how they like, wear their hair in different ways, and this sounds bad but some girls are “pretty girls” and some are not, if you know what I mean. And this kid is always involved in organizing philanthropic events and other valuable activities through the sorority. It seems like an enriching thing for her.
So that’s my observation! I wonder what your daughter would say if you shared your observations with her? You sound somewhat concerned.
Depends on the school. My D is in a sorority at her school and both my wife and I were Greek when we were in school. My D goes to a very large school and I was surprised by the amount of parties they have. They typically have 3 a week and during Homecoming week and Little 500 week they have them every night. She doesn’t go to all of them but she is pretty involved. She still has stayed involved in other activities and still has friends both outside her sorority and outside of Greek life. As long as they can balance the school and social then I don’t have any issues. My D still is maintaining a 3.9 GPA so she seems to be managing her time just fine. There is a big aspect of the social life being Greek but it seems like most of her friends understand that they academic side is why they are there.
In high school my D was pretty shy and not overly social so we are actually happy to see she has branched out and is getting more involved in social aspects.
Seems like your D already made her decision. I would maybe set some ground rules around keeping up grades if you think she’s partying too much.
I didn’t have the best personal experiences around sororities back in my day but there seem to be so many different types of sororities now that I think it’s very hard to generalize.
There are very few parties in sorority houses because alcohol is not allowed. Plenty of parties at fraternity houses but the women have to choose to go. My daughter lived in the sorority house on sorority row, and if she wanted to leave she had to be escorted home by at least two other sisters, even if it was next door.
She spent very little time with her sorority sisters. She had several non-Greek friends (mostly guys) and a boyfriend, didn’t hold an office in the house, and had a class schedule that didn’t allow for a lot of weeknight partying (she also played hockey so had practice).
Other daughter didn’t live in the house, played a sport, and overall spent very little time with her sorority activities. She does have one very good friend and 2-3 other good friend from the house.
Good point on the sorority houses, my D’s also doesn’t allow alcohol on the premises so there are no parties at the sorority house so all of the ones are hosted by fraternities. At the parties, they have to check in and also check out so people know who is there. In the Fall I was down for a Fathers weekend and one of the events was a fraternity party. While it was a little wild I did witness first hand some of the rules they have in place. The sorority also requires several girls to be “sober” monitors during these events. They rotate who is the “sober” and the girls actually where shirts with the word “sober” printed on them so they are easily identified. Their job if they see someone getting out of control or at risk is to get them out. Its not 100% but at least they are taking steps to try and keep things as safe as they can. I know when my wife was down for Mom’s weekend she also went to a fraternity party but based on what she told me, it was much more tame with the moms than what I saw and experienced.
On the social media aspect, I know my D’s sorority is very strict about what they post and what the girls can post. A big part of that is the sorority wants to control their marketing image on social media. My D post very little on her social media compared to what she would in high school. She will snap chat us a bit more to share things that she won’t put on Instagram.
There are parties and there are parties.
At some schools, the officially sanctioned parties at fraternity or sorority houses are the tip of the iceberg. Other parties take place in off-campus apartments or houses where some of the juniors and seniors who are members of the Greek organization live. And at those parties, there is no supervision and the rules don’t apply.
You may want to ask whether this sort of thing goes on at your daughter’s college.
Some schools limit the type of alcohol that can be served at fraternities to canned beer and boxed wine. I prefer that to the schools where they serve ‘punch’ and students have no idea how much alcohol they are drinking.
You have to trust your child
My younger D shocked everyone by joining a sorority in college. All her high school friends were shocked because she was the one person they thought was LEAST likely to go Greek. (Her sister and mother thought that too.) D chose to join a sorority because she was in a largely male major (math) and just wanted some opportunities to meet more women, find female friends and be able to have some destressed down time around other women. She still has some friends from the sorority whom she stays in contact with.
I second momofsenior1’s suggestion to set some ground rules. My D had to pay her own dues and for any trips/vacations with her sorority sisters (which meant she had to have a job to pay those dues). She also had maintain her grades. (Which she did since she had post-college ambitions for professional/graduate school. In fact, she became the house GPA monitor and designated tutor-- which gave her a seat on the sorority’s governing board.)
I was in a sorority a long time ago, and ended up quitting due to several disturbing events I felt I couldn’t be part of, plus the “cult-like” description corresponds to my experience. They made it very difficult, and very personal, to leave. Even at a 25 yr reunion, these women would not speak to me (and it was done in a way to make it clear that was the case). Whatev.
I now live in a college town. “trust your kid” is not nearly as effective as many people want to believe. No matter what they show you at parents’ weekend, there is much more partying with many fewer safeguards than most parents would like. That being said, plenty of Greek girls have positive, enriching experiences. I would keep an eye on the grades, but also keep communication open and safety reminders out there.
That happens at every school that has off campus housing. They are not sorority parties and no one wears sorority letters (sweatshirts, t-shirts) while drinking. The sororities do not sponsor the party.
I apologize. I didn’t make myself clear.
There are certainly off-campus parties of the kind @twoinanddone describes, and the people who participate may or may not be members of Greek houses. I was thinking of something more specific: situations where a succession of members of a Greek house rents a particular off-campus house or apartment year after year with the intent of not only living there but also holding unsanctioned fraternity/sorority events there.
At the schools I was thinking about, such places are called “annexes” and they play an important role in the lives of members of some Greek houses. Risky behaviors like excessive drinking and hazing may take place in the annexes because the college makes sure they don’t happen in the official fraternity or sorority houses.
Google “fraternity annex” and you’ll see some stories about this sort of thing.
@socalemma not to worry. Keep your eyes and ears open for anything to help with or listen to but it is probably her spreading her wings. Parties are another issue and women in general need to be wary of off campus events where there is heavy drinking, people they don’t know etc. BUT
There are so many positives to sorority life(in no particular order) from the friends, the study groups, the people looking out for you, the socials with fraternities so you meet all types of guys, learning how meetings work, the test prep, the philanthropy, the sports, the adult women mentors, the fun, Greek house or apt life, networking with people in your major, someone to always eat within the dorms, a familiar face in larger classes, the etiquette tips, the leadership opportunities, the trips, the formal dances, I could go on and on. For women most of the activity is outside of the house and the women can choose which parties and events to participate in. For men a lot happens at the house and/or annex etc and avoidance is a bit harder. Still there is so much to participate in and sororities want you to do well in school so they understand studying, jobs, library attendance versus party attendance, etc. The OP’s daughter’s makeup is probably merely she is learning make up from the other young women and is enjoying that look that is so popular now. It is popular at my kids’ high school as well. She is becoming independent. If you keep the lines of communication open you will hear more about these things. The reason for all the Instagram posts of just the sorority sisters is that there are so many activities and fun. You could do something everyday on some campuses. Whereas many do not take photos of themselves hanging out in the dorms with non-greeks or studying in the library with their roommate they are doing those things but are dressing up and taking photos of Greek events
Thanks everyone for your input. Yes, I am concerned but not super worried. I realize that I do have to trust her, and she has always made sound decisions in the past. There are so many cool things going on at that school and I wish she would partake in them Her first semester grades were pretty good (2 A’s 2 B’s) so that’s a relief.
@greenbutton after 25 years?? Wow. That’s my understanding as well, that sometimes if a girl is no longer a sister, they won’t even speak to her anymore.
@WayOutWestMom I was shocked also! She had never mentioned any interest in sorority/ fraternity life. In high school she was so into academics, basically a bookworm. Turned into a butterfly I guess lol.
@dcolosi interesting, never gave thought that maybe the sorority has rules about social media posts to control their image. I’ll ask her.
@IBviolamom this is my personal objection to sororities. My understanding is that typically the higher ranked sororities are the “prettier” girls. Someone correct me if I’m wrong. Daughter is in one of these, something I’m not really proud of. I have never expressed this to her, of course. I raised her to treat everyone the same and to never discriminate, so why does she feel the need to hang out with girls who all look alike? Same makeup, brows, hair, clothes…yikes. She said she joined cause she wanted sisters.
@readthetealeaves thank you for sharing this! I do overall think it will positively enrich her life.
OP, keep in mind that sororities target certain girls that they want. It may be looks, to improve social power. It may be grades, to improve the gpa of the group. It may be position, to improve group status & visibility. It is a very deliberate, planned, and orchestrated campaign. It is not about diversity, it’s about conformity. It’s not about friends, it’s about business goals. Of course friendships grow, genuine ones. But that’s not generally how it starts.
Once a prospect is swayed, the most important thing is to keep them away from any other bids; once they have committed, the activities and conformity work to cement the group together. Your daughter was no doubt recruited and it is very hard to resist that sort of attention, especially at big schools where you may feel like a speck in the ocean. Your daughter was a little lonely, and these women offered to be friends. That’s not awful.
Many schools do not allow freshman rush for this reason. I know lots of CC’rs have positive thoughts and experiences, and that’s good. I would keep talking to your daughter as you would about everything, and I think it’s okay to voice concerns gently, from an " I worry…" point of view, not a “you’ve done something dumb” one, of course!
Penn State is campaigning to have their Greek Report Card system be used nationwide. I think it would be quite a shock for many people to see exactly what comparisons and hard data are out there.
my dh and I were both Greek but we were shocked when dd17 decided to rush. It didn’t seem to be her thing. She is at a huge Greek school and it has been mostly positive with the downside being the cost since she does not limit herself to the sorority for her activities. Where she is there is a huge emphasis on grades and scholarly activities. The GPAs of the houses are mind boggling. There are houses with a quarter or more sisters with 4.0 and half or more sisters above 3.5 ( these house have over 400 girls each). There are mandatory study hours - lots of study hours, required class attendance, in house tutors, rewards and recognition for grades, and loss of social privileges for dropping below - especially for freshman. A lot more of the bonding takes place at the tutoring sessions than at the parties. Lots of peer pressure to keep the grades and get into the honor societies. School first. They strongly encourage joining other organizations and getting involved all over campus. They do a ton of philanthropy in the community. The other huge benefit was the organized and safe parties. They are planned and there are sisters watching the younger girls. They check in and out of parties and have buddies. There are weekly swap parties with fraternities that are themed and tons of fun. Those who are busy or are not into partying can dress up and hang out with other sisters before the swaps. They take pictures and have a great time. They may go to the swap for a bit to meet some people and check it out, and then they leave. My DD is not big into wild parties and she has a place in her house along with many dozens of like minded sisters. She has a blast.
My DD met many great, smart, accomplished women right off the bat her first days on campus. There was a lot of comfort in that. Her sisters and house culture encouraged her to try different organizations and gave her the confidence to get involved across campus. She knew people who were involved and didn’t have to make the decision on her own to go someplace new all alone. She goes to church with her sisters, is involved in addditional charities with her sisters, and is involved in ECs with her sisters. She also has many (most?) of her friends not in the sorority now. It was invaluable the first year but not as necessary now.
Greek or not there is a huge number of young adults who are carefully cultivating an online presence. Not too different than the perfect fakebook pages of many of our peers. These young adults grew up in front of their parents cameras with every milestone and event recorded and posted. The very best of these hundreds of photos were tweaked and retouched and posted as candid casual shots. They are bombarded with the beauty ideal from targeted adds and influencers. It is no surprise that they have perfect instagrams. At least on my DD campus this does not carry over to day to day life. Watching girls on campus on their oversized shirts, messy buns, and sneakers heading to class you would never match them to their fashion instagrams.
As an upperclassman she now attends many events and parties with her other organizations and she really appreciates all that her sorority does for keeping sisters safe. Don’t fool yourself that parties only happen in Greek settings. Kids are drinking and doing drugs in dorms, apartments, and houses around every college campus. Those that are going to take part in such behaviors but don’t have the organized safe social options will find a way. She has experienced more out of control behaviors and unsafe situations outside of the Greek community than at any Greek party. Every campus is different and there are certainly Greeks that are shameful but it is not an exclusively Greek trait.
This is all about risk management. In these times, one unfortunate incident or post by 1 or 2 members can bring down an entire house.
One of the side effects of the crack down on Greek organizations is it pushes things “off campus.” Things can get a lot more dangerous and out of control. I posted a story back in September about a visit to a “college bar” over parents weekend. (@dcolosi would know the place just steps from campus on Kirkwood). It was alarming to say the least – vomit on the floor, 100s of kids “dancing” on raised platforms (prob 3 feet off the floor), falling down drunk everywhere. Frankly made fraternity parties look like dinner at Grandmas. God only knows what’s going on at unregulated locations.
Another side effect of trying to “limit” alcohol consumption. Clear vodka and everclear punch is easier to hide and 10x more dangerous than miller lite. Today, I don’t think there are any fraternities that allow hard alcohol – I think most (if not all) national offices have banned hard alcohol on fraternity premises. In exchange, beer and wine are “allowed.”
I am sure your daughter will have a positive experience. Nobody in a sorority/fraternity is all alike. They may have similar interests and backgrounds but you would be surprised by the actual variety. It won’t limit her from other organizations and you should encourage her to find another organization to participate in – many do student government, student foundations, philanthropy groups, professional groups, etc. It may take a little time as she is a freshman.
Since it is a social organization, most of her “hanging out” time will be with her sisters. If parties are involved, non-Greeks may be limited because the risks are too high these days. Houses have been punished because someone, nobody really knew, came to a party already drunk and got hurt. And it’s not just the host fraternity that gets in trouble - any sororities/fraternities who were there gets in trouble too. Pictures and social media need to be handled thoughtfully as well.
I agree with most above. Greek life can be positive and it can be negative. I have a boy who is a fraternity president and also has a gf in one of the larger sororities. She is pre-med and he is pre-vet and both have 4.0 averages. They also both attend parties, work on-campus jobs, and she volunteers at the hospital also. Yes they have 2-3 day get aways. For our school next weekend it is for formal. They also do have lots of parties but you can choose to participate or not in those.
One way to get a feel is to go
and see where her sorority falls GPA wise. (search Cal Greeks Academic Report (2017 seems the newest they have).
Setting a GPA is what we did. My son had no interest in Greek life until he got to college and see where he is now! We told him ok as long as his grades stayed above the 3.5 he needed for his scholarship. It has been very positive for both he and his gf. They have non-Greek friends but more Greek friends for now. Just educate her to be watchful just like she would be at any party, don’t drive to any parties or ride with anyone that has been drinking and enjoy all friends not just Greeks.
I don’t think you are right about this. I was active at a house that is now #1 (not when I was there). If you look at the webpage or the videos, it looks like beautiful blondes who are all legs and pep. If you actually go to the house and meet the current residents, it’s a much different picture It’s full of athletes, top engineering students, student government reps, journalists running the school publications and video output, etc etc., all shapes and sizes and even some brunettes. They are all lovely but not all the Barbies they are made out to be. My nephew’s girlfriend is not stunning, just average, but a top engineer and she’s in this house. As was her sister. Her younger sister picked a different house.
When they are doing Rush, they usually have 4-5 days to meet the PNM, convince them to join, decide which would be the right fit for the house. Nope, no lifelong friendships are forms in those 4 days. A lot of decisions are made off the stat sheet with activities, gpa, legacy status, goals - gee, much like the admission to the college with the actual rush parties serving as the interview.
We had one small group that were in the pledge class just before me. They were all in the same dorm (not roommates and not on the same floor) and went through rush together, joined the same house together, and always were the best of friends even though one transferred to a different school after sophomore year and one spent a year abroad for junior year. Last week they did spring break together posting ‘Our 43 year Reunion’ on FB. Who knows if they would have stayed friends for 43 years if they’d just had the dorm in common.