The examples given in the OP’s first post show why this laissez faire parenting method is not good. Three basic types of parenting- laissez faire, authoritative and authoritarian. The middle one is the ideal- but none of us have done that all of the time… Kids lack the knowledge base of parents, or even older versions of themselves plus their brain development doesn’t use the same logic. Give the child good habits (discipline), THEN let them explore what happens when that is not followed.
Now is much too soon for twenty year old you to decide on how you will parent. Too many variables, including a spouse and their ideas. Too much time analyzing with too little data.
I don’t see anything wrong with giving it a little thought, But full on natural consequences can really backfire. I’d like to talk to you 15 years after your kid is born. @skieurope I bet you will still be here. (maybe we will be, too!)
The great thing about parenting from an infant on is that you get to grow into the job. All those lofty ideals you had before you had kids can be tested when there’s not so much to lose-- when a Time Out in the corner (rule of thumb: as many minutes as your child is old, so 2 years = 2 minutes…)-- that can work wonders when Natural Consequences don’t. You get to test your theories on a child so young that he doesn’t assume he knows more than you do.
It’s pretty hard to decide how you’ll parent before you actually meet your child. I’m pretty well convinced that each is born with his or her own personality, just waiting to pop out. So the fact that your oldest child is a docile rule follower may not be a result of your wonderful parenting-- as you’ll find out when the same approaches totally backfire with your second child.
As the mother of adults, and a grandmother, I think it is a great topic.
Before having children I had read and thought so much about child rearing, including discipline, and had a plan in place. After having children, it didn’t take me long to figure out that all parenting plans have to be adjusted for individual children. It still seems to me a good idea to go into it with a plan.
At this point in my life I sincerely believe two parenting truths. 1) Modeling is the most important thing parents do. It matters a whole lot more than any discipline you use, so be sure you always do your very best to behave in the way you want your children to behave. 2) Nothing is one size fits all.
I’m including unconditional love and support in #1. Modeling.
OP: What I like about your scenario is that you are giving the children as much responsibility for their own lives as possible, as well as explaining your whole philosophy to them. It is an approach many homeschoolers I knew used and it worked out very well. Of course, they were always modeling correct adult behavior and their kids wanted to be correct adults. That was just luck. Sometimes parents do everything right and kids still have major problems.
All I can say is that everyone who doesn’t yet have kids thinks they have great ideas on childrearing … and pretty much none of those ideas really work out once you have a real baby human living in your house.
Also, anyone who happens to have more than one kid will quickly discover that what works for one very often doesn’t work for the next one. So everything requires a lot of flexibility and ones who do the most learning from their own mistakes are probably the parents.
Philosophical concerns are often outweighed by practical, real world, external concerns in any case.
Kids need love, stability, consistency… but while the parental love should always be there, the stability and consistency are not always attainable goals either.
When the natural consequence of allowing your kid to do whatever they want is that people stop inviting your family places, you and your sites and other kids all get punished, too. They will be known as brats, and you will be known as bad parents. Natural consequences for your kids can fall on you, too.
I think once you become a parent and have your own experience you learn to appreciate all you have taken for granted when your own parents raised you. Growing up I took care of my younger siblings but nothing prepared me for when I actually had a child. Everyday was a new learning experience for me. Raising children takes a lot out of you physically and emotionally. Each parent’s experience with each child is unique.
To my own child who is now a college graduate I say complete all your education and be the best you can be. Make a strong career for yourself so that you can also one day be able to provide financial security for your family. Set a good example for your children because they watch you much closer than you think. If you say one thing but do another they will follow what you do not what you say. Be responsible and accountable for your own behavior. Find someone who shares similar values and has the same ideas in regards to raising children. There is a lot of conflict when two parents disagree with how a child should be raised.
We all thought at one time when our own parents were strict with us that when we would be parents we would be different. My parents laugh at me now as I experience the things that they went through raising me along with my siblings. (Been there done that) Parenting is bittersweet. Lots of joy but at times it is very stressful and difficult.
As a student just make your parents proud. Show them how mature and responsible you are by the decisions you make in your everyday life. Set high standards for yourself so that when you graduate you are able to become independent and take good care of yourself. Your parents will be able to sleep better at night knowing that they don’t have to worry about you or the decisions that you make.
As a parent, if you help your kids learn the right things to do and why they are right, they won’t have to bear the outcomes of natural consequences for not doing things.
We taught our kids about good nutrition, the reasons for getting sufficient sleep, reasons for doing and turning in homework, etc.
Sure, they made mistakes along the way. But they had good information on which to plan…not just the school of hard knocks.
Parenting is a lot of things…educating, informing, and yes…setting boundaries for your kids.
Discipline is a form of teaching. Sometimes natural consequences can be a great teacher, but sometimes the risk is too great. Children have growing brains, and don’t have the capacity to understand many of the consequences of their actions. As children grow, they learn to understand more and more, and there are more situations where natural consequences can come into play. But taken to extreme, you see natural consequences play out on the national news on a daily basis. Your young adult child visits North Korea, and plays a small prank. The natural consequence of doing such a think in North Korea can get you killed. Children and even young adults do impulsive things - they don’t always think about the consequences of their actions before they act. Our role is to guide them, both by providing reasonable (not always natural) consequences, because as others have mentioned, consequences are not always immediate, nor are they always obvious. Sometimes those consequences are faced by others as well, and then one of the natural consequences ends up being resentment by siblings, and sometimes parents as well.
The majority of the best teens I come across in the school where I work have parents who are involved, but not overly involved. I suppose in a way they are like the cheerleaders at times and coaches at other times. They help explain. They help guide. They let their kids (not just teens, kids too) take the lead in most things, but not all (working up to more and more). They let the teen have meaningful contribution to decisions and life in general. The kid knows they have a decent amount of freedom, but also a safety net. We’ve tried to model our own parenting off them.
The kids who fare the worst* are those whose parents don’t care/help. Some kids do well with this method and those who do can do very well, but the majority slip and fall somewhere along the line. Mistakes have consequences. Some consequences are good for teaching. Others are good for ruining a life. No human is perfect, though some can be lucky.
My son was probably in 2nd grade when he left the big monthly book report on the dining room table. I was a SAHM at the time, and it would have been no big deal to drop it off. Except that he KNEW it should have been in his backpack.
So I did let the teacher know it was done, and that I was making a conscious choice not to run to the rescue. And I did move it so his 2 year old sister wouldn’t use it as a coloring book.
But I was determined not to ride to the rescue for something this minor.
I think the hardest part of parenting is to be consistent and stand firm on important stuff. It was very hard to stand firm when I was tired from work and my kids were whining about having snacks before dinner. Sometimes I thought it would have been easier to just give in, but by standing firm on it my kids learned after few times not to ask for snacks before dinner.
When they got older we had a rule that they couldn’t ride with young drivers (their friends), so we ended up driving them to many places when it would have been easier for them to get a ride. As inconvenient as it was for us, we stood very firm on it and we sacrificed our time to make sure they were safe.
As posted by thumper1, I am sure it was hard for them to watch their kids get an incomplete when they forgot their homework, it would have been easier for them to drop the homework off.
FWIW, we dropped our homework and forgotten projects off for our kids (it rarely happened, but still did) and they’ve grown up to be fine young men anyway.
To us, this is definitely not a hill to die on. Once in a while I can still forget something at home too - or H - and we’re both glad we’re there for each other. That’s just how our family is. No regrets.
I’m with Creekland when mistakes are an occasional thing for an otherwise conscientious child, but once there’s a pattern of forgetfullnes or taking advantage, it may be time for a little more tough love/natural consequences for thier own good. I’ve occasionally schlepped forgotton stuff to school, but also refused to do so. Fortunately it hasn’t happened often.
I can’t count the times my child has had to help me look for my keys or glasses, lol. I forgive many of her little transgressions as I know she’s probably not going to have it easy with me when I become truly elderly.
I have a theory that if a child is generally raised in an atmosphere of mutual trust and empathy, with explanations for how/why we do things patiently given there’s a good chance the child will turn out to be conscientious and empathetic too, and want to do the right thing just because it’s the right thing. My daughter’s behavior generally bears this out, but her inborn temperament (no thanks to me…we adopted her) usually makes her an easy child to parent. I’m very aware that other children are wired differently and need more firmness and no-excuses consequences.
I guess I need to clarify. My point was…our kids knew our stance on bringing forgotten items to school LONG before any issue if that kind happened. The kids knew…we wouldn’t and couldn’t do this. Both DH and I worked full time. There was NO WAY either of us was going to leave work to deliver forgotten homework, projects or lunches.
The point being…teach your kids what the consequences will be…do not let situations teach this.
Our son says the Army is softer on him than I am. Consequences are big in our house. Short of anything life-threatening, he’s suffered them all but, like @thumper1 says, they were all spelled out clearly in advance.
I am chuckling a bit at the OP, but I applaud the forethought. As @conmama said upthread:
BTW, (now that I’m thinking of it) the stuff I’ve schlepped to school a small handfull of times have generally been the things that would mostly inconvenience the teacher if not brought in, such as a permission slip or registration form.
If my daughter had a pattern of irresponsibility it would be different. And she does know the expectations, and that I won’t run willy-nilly to solve her self-made problems. But, if anything, my kid is TOO anxious to please. She’s the type who will stay up way too late over homework, worrying excessively whether the teacher meant abc, or xyz on an ambiguously-worded assignment (there have been some dillies of miscommunication by a couple of inarticulate teachers) and doing both abc and xyz to cover her bases. So if I knew she left said homework at home in the printer out of exhausted forgetfulness after going to be post midnight, I wouldn’t balk at swinging it by the school (only five minutes away), given that I do have a flexible schedule.
(maybe we will be, too!)