<p>^^^^</p>
<p>That was college.</p>
<p>Actually, Mom2, we do get some of those kids here, no? Asking us questions and asking why thier parent’s don’t care? </p>
<p>I have the inclinations of a complete helicopter parent, but I also have very independent children and can’t indulge those inclinations. 
I have no real problem with parent’s who are really involved in thier kids lives, as long as it isn’t one of those “living THRU the kid” type things, which I have seen to be very damaging…but isn’t what I think people are talking about here.</p>
<p>SIL is a hiring authority at a fortune 100, and when parent’s get involved in the interview process, the kid is immediately nixed from the process…FWIW.</p>
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<p>I wonder if this guy has an administrative assistant or secretary.</p>
<p>I used to work at a corporate headquarters and we had a bunch of offices with managers (including mine) and outside each offices was one or two cubes with administrative assistants. The administrative assistants printed out email, arranged appointments, reminded about appointments, took care of copying, made travel arrangements, arranged meetings (as in rooms, catering, etc.), and sometimes even picked up dry-cleaning. These admin jobs paid quite well. In some cases, they paid much more than other professional jobs.</p>
<p>There’s a new show called Stargate Universe. My favorite character is Eli - a math gamer geek who lived with his mother and was unemployed and very, very smart. There are all kinds of people out there. There are all kinds of families out there. I think that the Stanford guy is a little full of himself.</p>
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<p>This is what we aim for. We hope our S will always know we’re available as sounding boards–and so far it seems like he does. My challenge over the next couple of years will be to stay far, far away from the CC law school forum, because that is the direction he’s going. I know virtually nothing about that process, and I am determined to let it be his thing. We have plenty of friends, and friends’ children, who could give him firsthand experience, reality checks, and advice if he wants it.</p>
<p>I do love it when he asks for cooking advice. I’ll stick to being the Helicoptering Gourmet from now on.</p>
<p>“The Helicoptering Gourmet”-- I think there is a book in your future. :)</p>
<p>Quote: “I cannot for the life of me understand why a parent would be involved in any aspect of their offspring picking, applying and enrolling in a grad school. . .”</p>
<p>OK, so I encouraged S to take the GRE (he did), and I’ve researched grad programs on-line and emailed him links, given him advice on how to compare programs. . .</p>
<p>Why?<br>
I don’t want S living in my basement next year.<br>
(NOW do you understand?)</p>
<p>I admit to being a secretary wife/mom, but not quite a helicopter parent. I could tell you some of the classes S is taking now, but I don’t know his schedule or talk to him every day. H & I don’t have connections and haven’t been able to help him get jobs (unless you count grabbing an application off the counter in a fast-food restaurant, handing it to your HS student and saying, “Here, fill this out. They’re hiring.”)</p>
<p>Ditto atomom! DD has gotten much very good advice on grad schools from her mentor but I have researched programs on line just because I’m interested to see what she’s considering and what the financial considerations might be (since she won’t be totally financially independent). From the perspective of financial support, I think parents have a right to be somewhat involved. My goal is for her to graduate debt free because I don’t want her to be shouldered with student loans as we were when we graduated.</p>
<p>Putting together her list of grad schools and the application process have been all her, with advice from current grad students and professors. It’s been hard at times to bite my tongue but I’m getting better at it and she acknowledges that. I admit to still occasionally texting her with a “reminder”…but now I get texts back that say “did that last week, Mom :)”…and that’s a good thing.</p>
<p>I know what classes and research she’s involved in but not her schedule. We don’t have contacts to help her get jobs or internships…she’s gotten herself pretty connected through her own efforts.</p>
<p>I’m already researching grad (pharmacy) schools and my D is only a freshman! Am I a helicopter parent? The way we think of it is that she has a full plate right now, with 19 credits and many other things to research, and I am more likely to ferret out programs of interest to her than her advisor would since I know her better. Also, I obviously have her financial picture and other interests at heart. So, I’ll do the initial “cull” and she’ll have to take a hard look at it next year and talk with other profs and advisors about her plans.</p>
<p>I know many parents and kids who were so independent in the college process that many deadlines were missed or they were not able to afford any schools and were left scrambling. Others did not graduate on time due to lack of good advisors. If it’s not obvious to the outside world that Mom is helping to research or track things (ie. Mom should NOT be doing apps or calling advisors or prospective employers!) and the kid actually wants Mom’s help/input, I don’t see a problem. Those who can’t/won’t seek help and advice when they need it are at more of a disadvantage. Some kids are naturals at delegating :)</p>
<p>Inthebiz</p>
<p>I guess I’m more of a helicopter than I want to believe. </p>
<p>I could validate consulting with a college advisor about one of mine IF I was paying the bill. I have a difficult time with the disconnect of needing parents for FA forms, etc, but the privacy laws for grades, etc.</p>
<p>Mine are still young, so I have time to power down before college advisor, but still…</p>
<p><em>**I’m already researching grad (pharmacy) schools and my D is only a freshman! Am I a helicopter parent? </em></p>
<p>This doesn’t say “helicopter parent” to me. Helicopters hover right overhead, and they make a lot of noise and are easily noticed. You’re doing what I’m doing for my high school D (gathering information on colleges for her to review when she has time), and I consider myself to be a research assistant rather than a helicopter.</p>
<p>The thing that you easily pick up on when you read all the slamming of “helicopter parents” is that 99% of the time they’re talking about women.</p>
<p>I don’t know why it is, but as culture we get such pleasure when we can say everything is the mother’s fault. </p>
<p>Ever hung around a playground and heard all the chatter about who’s the Bad Mother of the neighborhood? Or at a high school sports event and heard about what Bad Mother doesn’t keep track of their wayward son or daughter? Now we love to read fluffy news columns about those Bad Mother’s who are too involved with their college kids… as if the college kids and the mothers are incapable of working this out for themselves. (For anyone who read the little article that was linked at beginning of this thread, that is exactly what that mother and daughter are doing. They are fine! They seem to have a wonderful relationship.)</p>
<p>But we Bad Mothers can’t win for losing. Either we’re too involved or we’re not involved enough. Of course when parental involvement is “just right!” we’re talking about people who do it just like us.</p>
<p>Bah.</p>
<p>I know my daughter loves me but she is sick of the sound of my voice. I’m no longer able to be a helicopter mom.</p>
<p>Continuing to ask for parent’s advice and sharing details of child’s life – that to me is great. Making calls FOR the child to advisors, admissions committees, potential employers – not so much.
Though someone up above had a good point when they said “who you know” is how the world works and people “make calls” for other people all the time.</p>
<p>“As the wife and mother of ADD men I have become, like the professor’s wife above, a bit of an enabler/helicopter for my spouse and child because I really see that there are limits to how much they can manage without a loving secretary behind them to keep the critical things from slipping through the cracks”</p>
<p>I too, am a bit of an enabler, more for my son than my husband - but both have ADD, and it takes a lot of work to keep everyone organized and focused…some would say that I am the ultimate helicopter mom, actually helping my son with filling out his college apps, presenting him with choices, and keeping track of everything during this difficult process - but I know that it would completely overwhelm him to have to think so much about it, along with school, football practice, and the rest of his very busy life. He will be ready to be on his own when he goes to college because we are easing him into it, but I have had to defend my way of doing things to well-meaning friends who don’t understand how truly chaotic the life of someone with ADD can be.</p>
<p>“Enabler”? --Ouch! </p>
<p>“Research Assistant” – I like it! I think I’ve found my new job title!</p>
<p>My oldest has always been mature for his age, as well as very responsible and hardworking. He grew up rather uneventfully and pulled away from me in a respectful, gradual way that made it so easy for me to also gradually back off. I think we have a healthy and appropriate relationship now.</p>
<p>I’m finding the second child to be a different can of worms entirely. It’s much easier to back off when a kid shows you s/he is mature and competent. It’s much harder when the child demands independence, but lacks time management and organizational skills, or good judgment. When do you let him/her fall, and when are the stakes just too high to risk that and so you become their safety net? I don’t know the answer.</p>
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<p>This weekend I got way more involved in what course smy son would be taking next semester than I intended. He dutifully made an appointment with his advisor who cut the appointment short and left him with a “list” of two courses he should take that met any kind or requirement…had I left it to son + advisor, he would have been taking 3 courses that met NO requirements - not gen ed, not major, not minor. His advisor doesn’t care if he has to spend an extra semester or year in college; he doesn’t particularly care. I’M the lone who cares deeply because I can’t/won’t pay for it. I don’t call that being a helicopter. I call that looking after my own financial interests.</p>
<p>missypie I understand what you’re saying and I know there are some lousy advisors out there. It’s more than appropriate for you to talk to your son about his courses, about his requirements, about the need for him to graduate in 4 years. (I’ve had these discussions with my own kids.)</p>
<p>BUT, as I tell my kids, it is their responsibility to negotiate this stuff at school. They need to talk to their advisor. If they are not satisfied with their advisor, they need to talk to the advisor’s boss. (There have been a couple of occasions when they’ve done just that.) It is not appropriate for me to call their advisor and, as is the interpretation of FERPA at most schools, their advisor would not talk to me even if I did call. </p>
<p>My job, as I see it, is to help my children become independent through guidance and support. Not to run interference with their advisors, professors, roommates, etc.</p>
<p>I didn’t talk to the advisor or anyone at the school - just spent the hours on the computer necessary to find a couple of open classes that would fullfill some requirement or another. Son is way ADD and could not/would not have spent the time.</p>
<p>Elizabeth…</p>
<p>I completely understand. We have similar ADD issues in our home. I had to be the “research assistant” and “project advisor” to the whole college application process. </p>
<p>Some kids can manage the whole thing themselves (and do a great job), but I would argue that most kids can’t because either they make naive mistakes or the whole process is too overwhelming (while managing high school demands).</p>