Time to Reprogram My Thinking

Parent Cafe
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<p>We (or shall I say I- it’s not fair to speak for everyone else here) get so wrapped up in day to day things. All the debates about bumper stickers, children’s textbooks, saving or not saving for college…</p>

<p>My son’s girlfriend helps her mom over the summer (she’s an occupational therapist) and she was telling me last night about a little girl she spent the day with, who had contracted encephalitis and lived (it was the kind that usually kills). She’s basically a wheelchair case and her limbs are all drawn up, she’s unable to do much of anything on her own. My son’s gf was telling me what an inspiration the little girl’s mom was, how <em>saintly</em> almost; she is/was a recent immigrant, can barely speak english, they’re very poor. But her attitude is so patient and inspired.</p>

<p>We got into a discussion about why things happen to good people and the meaning of life, stuff like that. The whole thing has just stuck with me all night and day. I feel guilty and ashamed about getting on here and debating about all this <em>crap</em> that is really so, so unimportant.</p>

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<p>If you will permit me to disagree – </p>

<p>Just because other people may face challenges greater than your own does not mean that the challenges you face are meaningless or that you are in any way an inferior person because you are wrapped up in those challenges.</p>

<p>Case in point:</p>

<p>Six months ago, I fell down the stairs. I broke my leg very badly, and I injured my wrist. After the requisite two days in the hospital, I was sent to the rehab unit of a nursing home for five days because I wasn’t ready to go home yet.</p>

<p>On that rehab unit, I met people who were facing extraordinary challenges. There were people there who had brain tumors, multiple strokes, amputations, double hip replacements, and all sorts of other problems far greater than mine. </p>

<p>But that doesn’t mean that my problems were trivial.</p>

<p>Because of the combination of the leg injury and the wrist injury, I couldn’t walk at all – not even with a walker or crutches. Since I had only one functional leg and one functional arm, I had great difficulty transferring from one place to another (bed to wheelchair, wheelchair to toilet, etc.). I was stoned out of my mind from a combination of drugs. I was facing a period of several months during which I would not be able to carry out my ordinary responsibilities, and I was spending most of my time (despite being thoroughly stoned) trying to make alternate arrangements for practically everything involving my family and my work. I was fighting with an insurance company that didn’t want to let me go home with the only piece of equipment that would allow me any independence at all (a wheelchair). I was facing the fact that my leg injury would never heal completely and that I will need additional surgery in the future. And, oh yeah, it hurt like hell.</p>

<p>To me, this was a situation of some significance.</p>

<p>Of course, it doesn’t compare with what my roommate was facing. She was recovering from her fourth stroke and was facing the possibility that she might never recover sufficiently to be able to return to living with her family; for her, assisted living was becoming a real possibility. Compared to that, my problems seemed small. But I still did have problems. And I don’t think that I did my roommate – or anyone else – a disservice by focusing most of my attention on my own concerns and those of my family, even though they may have seemed unimportant to others.</p>

<p>By the same token, I don’t think you should feel guilty and ashamed for focusing your attention on issues such as saving for college just because there are other families who have difficulties greater than your own.</p>

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<p>True but at the same time I do get annoyed when I open the newspaper and there is a section devoted to people ranting about how they have to wait in line while someone <em>gasp</em> writes a check. They have to wait! IN LINE! At a store they chose to go to where they can buy food easily. </p>

<p>People do need a reality check sometimes.</p>

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<p>My D and I were caught in a 5-hour traffic jam in KY last week - making our 9 hour road trip into 14. We needed food, bathrooms, and gasoline, and were feeling some anxiety. But as we sat there, I told my D that whenever I started to feel impatient or upset, I reminded myself of the “unknown” accident up ahead, said a prayer for those involved, and realized how I would much rather be sitting in the jam back here. As it turned out, it was a collision of two semis, and one driver was dead. </p>

<p>Yeah, it was frustrating. Yeah, D and I aren’t eager to take any road trips any time soon. But it does help to have some perspective. It is so easy to get caught up in me, me, me. Your son’s girlfriend sounds like she will benefit from getting this lesson early.</p>

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<p>doubleplay: I empathize with your sentiment. Many times a week I feel blessed that my children have always had enough to eat and never had to walk to school through a field of land mines. OTOH, we have a seat at the table and play the hand we’re dealt. Our society seems like an increasingly winner-take-all place to be, and we have to play to win. That’s when unimportant things start to become important, sometimes monstrously so. If we can learn to separate what is important from what isn’t we have mastered this material culture.</p>

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<p>my D just called me, she is working at a camp, and as it works out, many of the kids are in foster care and other state programs…she is a bit stressed, as she wants to do the best for each kid- the ones that are really demanding, and the others that are quiet and shy</p>

<p>I was so proud of her, and her passion, to get through the newness of what she is dealing with, to make the experience the best one she can for all the kids, and I wanted to cry- I am a bit worried about my Ds stress, and lack of sleep, but she is not, she is doing all I could ever ask</p>

<p>Mostly, if you read my posts, I pick my battles and generally they are in defense of kids, no matter what the circumstances, and sometimes, doubleday, if we can help one kid here, its what we can do</p>

<p>as for the bigger picture, sure we all get caught up in the trivial stuff, but sometimes doing that keeps us sane, as the big stuff can be overwhelming</p>

<p>doesn’t mean we don’t do our share to help those that need it</p>

<p>what am I doing for my D? I am bringing her my famous ChocChip coookies, some new underwear, and taking her out for breakfast, so she can do her job better and fresher…and takng her to see Harry Potter when it comes out, making a 6 hour trek round trip to see it, so SHE can do better for the kids she is helping, sure HP may not seem much that a mom can do for her kid, but if we can help others to help others, it is a good thing</p>

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<p>doubleplay~</p>

<p>I can totally understand your feelings about this. My past week has been one that has included some serious soul searching and an event profound enough to infuse some newfound (or regained) perspective. Regardless, though, I am not one to sweat the small stuff, such as someone else’s bumber stickers or window tagging. I guess I’ve usually got too much other stuff on my mind to worry about that and also, unless someone has deliberately set out to insult or injure me (and it’s obvious), I tend to assume the best in others’ motives–or at least be oblivious to their actions <em>rofl</em>. While I’ve always been the first to say (and still believe) that you cannot live your life in a constant state of the “wake up calls” you get from others or the world around you, you certainly can benefit from the perspective that those events bestow.</p>

<p>~berurah</p>

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<p>As far as I am concerned, debates about boy’s writing with urine or window tags are nothing more than chitchat. It isn’t that the conversations are life changing, or in the slightest important, but they are interesting chatter. There is nothing wrong with interesting chatter, and it is fun to hear different people’s opinions (even when called egocentric, or other lovely descriptors ;)).</p>

<p>Chatboard chatter certainly doesn’t compete with real world serious concerns. And it certainly isn’t worth getting all heated about. But it can be fun, and interesting.</p>

<p>I like Marian’s point too. Of course people’s problems are only relative, but one can only relate to the biggest problem he/she faces at any given time. Sometimes it is good to be reminded that most of what most of us worry about is small stuff, and the broader perspective is sure important, but our own small stuff still has its place.</p>

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<p>A few years after graduating college, I relocated to SF and ended up working as a waitress for an impossible boss. At the same time I was dumped by “the love of my life” and was pretty much depressed and miserable all the time. One night one of the other waitresses, a young woman from the mid-west, was attacked on her way home from work. Her throat was cut from ear to ear. That she survived was pretty much a miracle. I remember visiting her in the hospital and coming away with the thought that no matter how bad things were for me there was someone dealing with much worse. That feeling stays with me even now some thirty years later and helps me get through the very small challenges life has thrown my way. It is all about being grateful for what we have.</p>

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<p>unsoccer-mom: You said it, sister!</p>

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<p>Sorry, posted in the wrong thread.</p>