<p>We were stricter with the time frame when it involved a team. We wanted the kids to know that they made a commitment that didn’t just effect them, but others as well. So to be perfectly honest, we did allow some negotiation on individual lesson type things. Nothing the kids were involved in was ever a “I hate it” type thing—was more like “There’s something better out there” :).</p>
<p>Take advantage of opportunities-if the schools offer tougher classes, and they fit your child, go for it. No study halls. Do not settle for the status quo. Look ahead - see what requirements and classes are available in high school (hopefully there will be sessions offered by the school) and help your child plot out future classes- pay attention to the fine print, eg may be taken instead of___-the regular class, open to freshmen who are taking geometry… Remember, though, as your child gets older he needs to take on more and more decision making. READ. Participate in music and sports, both good activities for the child as well as good on a resume. We were surprised that our son became a good CC runner, he still runs for pleasure. National Honor Societies often have extracurricular and volunteer hours reqs, it helps to know them before it’s impossible to meet them timewise. Do summer enrichment programs. Monitor their computer usage, remember all kids will lie to their parents about which websites they view, and at this age they will check out the bad ones. Use the computer yourself and let them know about websites about topics of interest, eg Arts and Letters. Use your public library. How you acomplish all this depends on you and your child’s personalities- for some a nudge feels like a push and they may push back/ ignore things they might otherwise do. Also- let there be free time. You don’t need a lot of money, you need good attitudes towards things academic. Your child will be better prepared for SAT/ACTs if he learns what he can from books and his courses than if he studies with specific prep materials.</p>
<p>Lots of good advice above. The best single tip I have is to read every book your student is assigned. (Not always easy because even tho’ we’re parents we DO occassionally have a life!) By reading along with your student, discussions can be had at the drop of a hat and you will know if they are doing the reading and comprehending the material. SO much better than simply asking ‘Have you done your homework?’. I did this from middle school thru her AP classes in HS and I received a great education from the books I read (most of which I wasn’t exposed to in my own education) and I learned a lot about my D with the opinions and the perspective she brought to the discussions.</p>
<p>Great advice CopterMom. I also did this and it did lead to discussions we never would have had otherwise. It also allowed me to revisit some books and read some I probably never would have picked up on my own.</p>
<p>With my D, I allowed her to be exposed to the world news at an early age, (we had some interesting discussions) so she started asking questions about Africa, etc., and we played the globe game - she loved it! I would call out a place on the globe and she had to look for it. Since we are a family of immigrants, with relatives in Europe, world geography and travel there was an important part of our lives. And, of course, books, books, books! We always loved Jeopardy! and even as a little one, she watched with us. When she did Academic Challenge in HS, the very first time she buzzed in, as a freshman, she answered in the form of a question! We also played lots of board games such as Trivial Pursuit, and strategy ones, such as Risk. And we didn’t just let her win. Believe me, in a few years, she was beating us! We involved her in what we loved to do, but at the same time, made sure she had fun with friends. We did not shield her, and since grandpa lived with us, she went with him to all the senior citizens’ functions during the day, and became quite proficient speaking on various subjects. We balanced the adult world with the child’s world. She developed a love of knowledge. OTOH, she always was a child that hated not knowing something. I had to get those books that explained scientific things, etc., from a child’s perspective. She is still this way. She learns for the love of it. We waited to go to Disneyworld until she was 8. The questions she asked! She saw it for the technology, as well as for the fun of it. It’s still one of her favorite places. Now, I know this won’t work for all kids, but the things we did, we would have done, whether she was with us or not. We just fit her into our lifestyle, and she thrived. She is now studying 2 foreign languages, and wants to go to grad school in IR.</p>
<p>If I could boil it down to one thing it would be that I taught D that it was O.K. to ask questions. That the smartest person in the room was the one who asked the best questions. That the smartest person in the room always had a question. That know-it-alls never did. 
That you could learn something from every person if you asked good enough questions. That to question her teachers was not only her right, it was her obligation. That to question authority was not only her right , it was her obligation. That if there was an optional meeting, lecture, review session, office hour, tutorials, writing center, advisor, counselor, …to always attend and always ask her questions.</p>
<ol>
<li>I taught her to ask questions. </li>
</ol>
<p>My D was really bothered by the attitude of some of her silent friends. She knew they didn’t understand the material because she was the one teaching them and SHE didn’t understand it. But there they sat. (Mute. With their jaws slack. With drool connecting their face to the desk. LOL.) While she constantly peppered the math teacher with “what is this?” and “why is that?” and “what in God’s name does THAT mean”? She went to the math teacher and asked-“Why am I always the only person who ever asks any questions? In class or in tutorials?” He asked " Why DID you ask so many questions today?" She responded “Well, what you were teaching wasn’t making any sense to me. I couldn’t figure it out.” He said , “That’s the difference. They didn’t understand what I taught yesterday, and they won’t understand what I teach tommorrow. Why would you think they’d care about not understanding what I taught today?” </p>
<p>If they’ll learn “academic humility” for lack of a better term, there are no limits.</p>
<p>My parents read to me from an early age. They spent quite a bit of time with me. (I was also homeschooled until middle school.) They encouraged me to seek out things that interested me. One of the things I remember most was that they said, “I don’t care what grade you get, as long as you are trying your hardest.” I was able to pursue topics that interested me, and developed a drive for excellence. By the time high school rolled around, I cared more about my grades and activities (or so I thought) than my parents.</p>
<p>–I watched a LOT of TV from an early age. However, it was almost always educational.</p>
<p>Hi - Just wanted to add my comments, as the mother of three.<br>
- Read, read, read to your children. Books, newspapers and magazines have always been in our house and were always discussed.<br>
- Do not invest in video game systems. All three of my children (now 20, 22, and 24) said that was the best thing my husband and I did; not buying those sytems.<br>
- Make sure your children know that school is #1. I remember telling each child that I expected the same degree of focus and work from them with respect to school that their dad gave to his job each day (I was a stay at home mom in those days). My children were excellent students and were well respected in their school community.<br>
4.) Allow down time during the summer. We belonged to a local swim club (really bare bones) and the children spent many a summer hour there swimming and playing with their summer friends (different group from their school friends).<br>
5.) Have dinner together as often as you can. It is a special time to reconnect as a family. We ate together just about every night. One daughter actually did one of her college essays on our family dinners.<br>
6.) Make rules and do not be afraid to enforce them. I do feel sorry for parents today. It is so hard to have rules when so many parents give their children everything they ask for and let them do whatever they want. I know those that do have rules are constantly being challenged, but hang in there - you are doing the right thing.<br>
7.) As a follow up to #6, do not give them everything they want. There is nothing wrong with making a child earn their own money to buy things, or to simply not let them have whatever they ask for.<br>
8.) Allow them the opportunity to work out their own mistakes. It is so easy as a parent to step in, but give them the chance to solve their own problems. I have always listened to my children, then I will ask if they would like me to help or to speak to someone for them. In all my years, I have only had one child ask me once to intervene on her behalf. She was truly facing a problem and did not know how to address it. On the plus side, when I made the call for her and explained the issue, the person on the other end asked if my daughter was there, asked to speak to her and the two of them solved the issue together (bless that woman!).<br>
9.) Don’t be afraid to say to your child that you made a mistake and are sorry.
10.) Enjoy them, but realize that you are their parent and your job is to help shape them and guide them so they will become successful, happy adults.
About a month ago, I attended a conference and met a former teacher of all three of my children. I am a teacher myself. This teacher did not realize that, so when I reintroduced myself to him, he responded by saying, “If you teach like you raise children, you must be one hell of a teacher.” Needless to say, that comment probably made my life!</p>
<p>I have 3 boys, ages 19, 23 and 27. All three were terrific students in high school (although one became less motivated in 11th grade and made me see how many of our boys are tuning out to traditional education), took music lessons (one really into music), played sports (two in high school and oldest now plays in several city sports leagues), volunteered, and traveled to a limited degree. When they were little, I read to them all the time; as curmudge noted, it was difficult to find good books for boys esp in their middle school years. I read lots of newspapers, magazines and books so hoped that would rub off on the boys. I never skimped on books for them or music lessons. We have so many children’s and pre teen books that I could open a library (think I would’ve been a great librarian or reading teacher). The first was always a fervent reader; the second started reading lots on his own during summers in college and afterwards; the third is more social but will pick up my New Yorker occasionally. The first two are working/will work in music related fields – music software and sound design. They all enjoy working independently as well as part of a team. I think their sports activities
highlighted the importance of learning to work with others towards a common goal.</p>
<p>We never really traveled much with them because until the 23 year old started college, the boys fought constantly. We would vacation with them a week here and a week there and in the winter keep them busy skiing; but the thought of being on a plane with all three of them and sightseeing together
was not what we would enjoy. For that reason, we encouraged them to attend summer programs – camp, film program, outdoor wilderness, community service, travel, etc. They truly enjoyed meeting kids from all over the country and learning from them.</p>
<p>We never pushed our kids into one profession or field but introduced them to lots of activities and environments – suburb, city, beach, mountains. My boys are competitive but laid back and creative. Sometimes I wish we had pushed them more towards graduate or professional school or towards work in the business sector. They are each finding their own way and hope to be happy pursuing a passion. I love being with them as young adults.</p>
<p>PS Don’t want to give you the wrong impression – they are far from perfect. They’ve also caused us (me more than my DH) sleepless nights. They are very inquisitive, sarcastic, like to push the rules, and don’t always
make the best decisions but hopefully they are learning and improving.</p>
<p>This thread interests me…on many levels; Mars/Venus, first born, other born, happiness vs success, for them or for me? I also enjoy the responses posted so far… here are my thoughts:
- reading is key…information/knowledge is power in life…so the ability to stay informed is crucial. One of the best baby gifts we got was a Peter Rabbit book with things that could be moved, ie plant pot, Peter Rabbit, the rake etc…and my 8 month old first child took to that like a duck to water. I was initially going to “save” the book for an age where it wouldn’t be destroyed by baby impulses…but, it turned out he loved the book enough he took care of it… we always read at nite…in the afternoons…chapter books aloud too… Harry Potter on CD/tape made car rides easier too! I even got very involved in our local library (physical expansion, fund raising, board role etc) and it tied books into our family life in a big way. Our kids rightfully have a huge sense of pride for their involvement in making something good, great!
- friends do matter…smart, active friends help in a big way in validating what we think is right…so it doesn’t always have to come from us…
- teachers/role models really matter…different teachers have different styles, no one style is the end all…rather, it is wonderful for kids to be exposed to a variety of teaching styles and stretch their minds in every direction. Right now, my youngest has 2 teachers that are also his coaches for a sport he does 2 out of 3 seasons. I think this is really providing him a challenge for performing “all the time” which is a very good thing. And, the teachers are great at teaching and great at coaching…so, we are really fortunate.<br>
- teach them to apologize and to say thank you.<br>
- have family activities and family friends that support your overall goals. Host the family event dinners and involve them in making the turkey gravy or getting the softdrinks/water/juice etc…making good memories is a very important foundation for a kid to grow on…</p>
<p>I totally agree on the “desire” to keep video/computer games out of the hands of kids…but, for a boy, the ability to play a game well is an important social skill it appears…and is highly valued by kids…just like some other questionable things that seem to make a kid a “player” … if a child is “isolated” from the things that kids value then they can get left behind and or be stigmatized. I am not talking big things, but, my best analogy is one around “germs” when raising the baby. First few weeks, I ran a dropped pacifier under water whenever it fell on the floor…eventually we licked it clean ourselves… and eliminated its use by 5-6 mos…most kids today see movies beyond the recommended age group, but the ones that are “protected” from the R rated movies etc are often left behind socially. We have tried to be somewhat flexible on this stuff…we put our foot down on the jacka@$ movies but not the bond movies…my point is that we found that going with the flow was reasonable…and harmonious in the long run. </p>
<p>Finally, I can honestly say my kids have not yet done the “all homework, all weekend” that some folks seem to be saying…not sure exactly why that seems like such a big disconnect vs all the other posts…</p>
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<p>This is why you want your child to be in all honors classes if possible. It’s not the curriculum that matters so much as the classmates.</p>
<p>How to get your kids to be good students? If they have the raw material for it, i.e. they can sit still, can absorb certain abstract concepts, have good memories, then just let them know it matters to you that they be good students, and set up your family so that the results of internalizing the family values are positive. </p>
<p>Our family gave our kids benefits - warmth, laughter, healthy food, parents who were there, stories told, math games played, lullabies sung, vacations taken, discussions had, wet sheets changed, fears assuaged, problems solved, limits made clear, opportunities presented, hands held, foreheads kissed in the dark night.</p>
<p>Kids aren’t dummies, you build a good system they buy into it. I learned this from my own parents. They weren’t anything like perfect, and their marriage ended after 22 years none too happily. But the family structure they built was consistent and gave all us kids so much, that to this date I remark to my mom that she should be proud. Not one of us repudiated the family values, we all still gather for holidays - whether at my mom’s house or my dad’s house - and we all still talk to eachother all the time, like Kat’s kids.</p>
<p>I hope my two will take the same path. BTW, my brother and sisters and I were pretty good students too:). But that turned out not to matter quite so much as the fact that we still all really love eachother…</p>
<p>Alumother - I really like and agree with your comments about setting up a good system and internalizing the family values. You are so right - kids do get it when it comes to establishing those family values and maintaining them.</p>
<p>don’t know if this was covered but figure out what kind of learner your kid is…auditory, tactile/kinestic or visual</p>
<p>some kids do better listening, some “doing” and others reading</p>
<p>one of my Ds was a listener and the other more of a reader</p>
<p>learn about the different kinds of intelligence so all can be nutured</p>
<p>something that can hurt is being overly shy…so encourage interviews, don’t talk for your child, put them in all kinds of social situations</p>
<p>another thing is do service work- help others- it is the best way to learn about the world, what others are dealing with, taking a child beyond themselves- all the book learning is okay, but unless you are of the world, it really doesn’t do much good</p>
<p>so learning to study, take tests, etc, all well and good, but remember to help create a whole person- a person for others- then you will have done your job</p>
<p>Thanks Dogwood!</p>
<p>let them know they are loved regardless of achievement; teach them humility,manners and consideration for others so that when they are a bit older and out of your radar all the time, other adults will take a shine to them and help them advance (in high school).</p>
<p>I agree with all the advice about support, encouragement, acceptance and reading early and constantly.</p>
<p>S attended a middle-of-the-road school with bright, but non-motivated peers. Grades were not weighted, so unless there was intrinsic or family motivation to take the challenging academic road, it didn’t happen. Mostly, it didn’t happen.</p>
<p>The best thing I did: I spoke early and often to S, telling him that he could have an excellent education at his school, but HE would have to make the choices and the efforts to do so. I was very involved in helping him to plan his schedule for the 4 years of high school. GCs were over-worked and had a large population of disadvantaged students to service. I made a point of learning all I could about college’s recommendations and requirements so there were no surprises in his senior year. </p>
<p>There were times when S felt sorry for himself because “all his friends” had more time than he did for “fun.” Not that S was an academic drone. Far from it. He played club soccer, varsity soccer, and indoor soccer all 4 years, played cello in the orchestra, and was a sports writer for his school paper. All his choices. I also know that being an athlete immunized him from some of the nerd stereotyping that is an unfortunate truth in may high schools. (Nothing against nerds, though!)</p>
<p>We also started visiting colleges pretty early: casual visits sophomore year. And he was internalizing the array of choices that might be his if he pursued the academic high road. Plus, he liked being with the “smart kids” in class.</p>
<p>So, this longish ramble is my attempt to share one of the “right” things I did. Yes, S had the raw material. But so do so many of his friends who said, “I can get an A in the regular class, so why would I want to work harder in an AP/Honors/Advanced class and maybe get a B?”</p>
<p>–Mafool</p>
<p>Children learn by example. In addition to the wonderful advice above, I would add:</p>
<p>You must read and love reading.</p>
<p>You must be inquisitive and love learning.</p>
<p>If you have earned your children’s respect, they will be more strongly influenced by what you do, than by what you say.</p>
<p>
I’ve always said this is why all my kids were such good sleepers. :)</p>
<p>I will pick up on Mafool’s comment about starting college visits early.<br>
Our school district prints up an annual calendar with all the significant events on it…and when my oldest was a hs soph. I happened to glance at it one day and realized the PSAT’s were available for him to take…that actual week was the last chance to sign up. So, he did…and checked that he wanted to receive information from colleges…well, he did really well on the PSAT as a sophmore…and started getting the tons of mail that many of us are familiar with…my take on that mail was that it provided my son with a glimpse of a much bigger world…and it wasn’t coming from his parents. This was outside reinforcement that much was available to him if he “stayed the course!”<br>
Now in Maine, all hs sophs take the PSAT for free. Our younger son didn’t do as well this year as his older brother…but, we now have a few specific things to focus on…and time to strategize on what will be best for him. </p>
<p>Our experience was that these tests are one more thing that has helped our kids realize what was possible.</p>