<p>woody, it didn’t wound like you were worried about your get togethers…it sounds like you are worried about your friend. But 5 years is a long time to offer compassion, support, and help without seeing any change. Try the excellent ideas you have been given, but be prepared with alternatives if nothing changes. I like the 5minute vent, followed by positive, pleasant conversation. Adresses everyones needs, and keeps the focus on the positive.</p>
<p>If you can’t have an honest conversation with this “friend”, is she really a friend at all? Was she ever? </p>
<p>I don’t think we can assume she needs counseling, and I also believe that telling her as much might not be very nice. Sometimes people get off track socially. A divorce could certainly throw anyone off course and make them out of sync for a while. If any of us believe that life has nothing in store which could turn us into awkward messes of humanity, I say WAIT. None of us has any idea how tough it can get, and we need to show the kind of Grace towards others that we would hope would be shown to ourselves.</p>
<p>If a group of women have been listening to her be “off” for so long, why did no one taken her aside right after it started to have a respectful, loving, HONEST “hold up a mirror” conversation? Today it is this woman who is alienating herself, tomorrow it will be another one of you. When friends are screwing up, we don’t move to the other end of the table. We do that to acquaintances. </p>
<p>A strong friendship group of adult women functions better than this. If you all want a strong network of women friends there for you when you go through whatever hardships and pain life will inevitably provide, you need to redirect those who are close to you in a more timely fashion. Why let good friendships get really damaged by waiting?</p>
<p>BTW…I can tell you are a group of kind-hearted individuals. At least you haven’t cut her out, and you have helped her in concrete ways (as you mentioned). I just thought I would offer a different and hopefully helpful perspective.</p>
<p>Oh dear, spidey. I just wrote this huge response and lost it in cyberspace! Oh well, thanks to you and all the rest.</p>
<p>Just a thought: maybe the group should make a decision to eliminate all criticisms, complaining, etc from the group dynamic. Is it really necessary to complain about our husbands at all? Maybe suggest that the purpose of the group is to have fun and talk about what is going great in your life. Now, if there really is something serious (illness, loss of job, spouse left, etc), then the group can decide how they want to respond. Do you want the focus of the group to just be a set of ears for people to share? Or is the group a place where people can get trusted advice on how to proceed? Or where you can all pitch in to help when help is needed?</p>
<p>I have been in these situations before. Ultimately a frank discussion is needed with the person if they refuse to play by the ‘rules’. You may have to let her know that if she isn’t willing to contribute to the positive group dynamic, it might be best for her to find another place or group to work with.</p>
<p>Hard, yes, but sometimes must be done.</p>
<p>Oh no! This is a purely social group - no rules! Just food and wine!</p>
<p>or whine and wine. :)</p>
<p>Some of these “girls nites” are not meant to go on forever. I was part of one where all four of us met for dinner every 6-8 weeks, then one person just lost it last Xmas and was horrible to me (over some imagined slight that she blamed on me since my child hadn’t gotten into college ED like hers – insane, right?). As she screamed and ranted, the other 2 friends looked on in horror. So that was our last time. </p>
<p>I see the 2 friends, either one on one or together, and it’s been better. The large group setting, too much wine – it creates its own dynamic, which isn’t necessarily one that’s conducive to sharing, or listening, or being with your friends.</p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>So…what do you think would happen if one or more of you called her on her behavior - kind of in a direct, but humorous way??? If you are truly “friends” and have known each other for that long…can you say somehting like “OMG NAME OF MOM! Hey let me have the floor and sympathies on this one all by myself!” Or, “Hang on to your story NAME OF MOM, let Susie have spill her story first!!!” </p>
<p>Sometimes you have to be politely, but firmly frank.</p>
<p>I was at a get together once with friends and one of my friends tends toward some of these same issues. I was asking for advice about something to do with investing when this friend announced loudly “Sure that would work for YOU because YOUR married!”. I replied loudly something like “Yes, we are talking about me this time!” The whole room went silent and then we moved on. It felt great to voice a rebuttal. Unfortunately she didn’t remember it later because of the obligatory wine at the event. Oh well.</p>
<p>Wine/alcohol lubricates people and is a convenient way for them to forget any awkwardness that they want to forget.</p>
<p>So hard to be with a bitter divorcee. No one wants to hear someone rattle on and on about their awful ex…at some point , people have to move on . I was divorced from my first husband when two of my children were young and never thought that it was appropriate to badmouth the father of my girls.
Sounds like she is indeed depressed and not dealing with her issues in a healthy way.
It is hard to be the one who breaks it to her , but someone has to
She might appreciate the gesture , or she might resent it , just the way she resents her ex
Nothing to lose for the brave one who takes the step</p>
<p>My husband ( who was also married before we met ) has a horribly bitter ex who puts way to much energy into making him miserable than making herself happy
It takes it’s toll on all of us , most all the daughter they had</p>