<p>I have a social problem that is coming to a head. A group of us moms gets together once a month. Our Ds were friends from pre-school through HS. One of the moms just finished with a really bad divorce - as most divorces are. For the past, oh, 5 years, she has dominated the conversation during our get-togethers. It’s bad, really bad. If one of us ‘complains’ about a H, she will say, ‘At least you have a husband.’ In her world view, no one’s kids are as troubled, no one’s job prospect are as bad, no one, in short, has anything to complain about. It’s not like other moms are lining up to complain, but no matter what you say, her situation is worse.
When we get together, a subtle jockeying for seating FAR away from her occurs. Well, it has really started to affect the ambience of these get-togethers.
I, personally, have had enough because I know sooooo many divorced women with just as many problems, if not more, who have my respect and admiration because of the dignity with which they live their lives. One or two of these women are actually part of the group.
This is not a selfish group…offers of counseling, help with moving, etc. have all been made. I think she is definitely benefiting from this role she has assumed because of her insistence on playing it.
Any thoughts, ideas on how we can turn this dynamic around?</p>
<p>Oooh. That’s a tough one. When she starts complaining at your get-togethers, what is the reaction of the others? Do they sympathize, cajole? Do they try to steer the conversation in another direction?</p>
<p>A nervous silence fills the room. At this point, I don’t think anyone wants to be an enabler.</p>
<p>Does she pick up on the silence or lack of response? Does she move to another subject or keep working her schtick?</p>
<p>This reminds me of a scene in Sex and the City (the TV show, not the movie) where a title character is obsessing non-stop about her ex. Her best friends finally confront her and suggest she sees a counselor. </p>
<p>Sometimes people just aren’t aware of how they have become obsessive about certain subjects and that it’s turning people off. Do any of you feel comfortable telling her that she probably needs some professional help regarding this issue? If it were me, I would prefer that someone told me vs. just being dropped from the group.</p>
<p>Wow. Sounds tough. This is a long shot. You could make your next ‘get together’ a planning session to work on a charitable project for some worthy cause–maybe if you were thinking up ideas for a simple holiday fundraiser for the battered women’s shelter or homeless children’s foundation she would stop talking long enough to count her blessings.</p>
<p>But I doubt that would work. </p>
<p>She sounds like she really needs to see a counselor to get past her bitter feelings. If someone is/was closer to her, perhaps they could suggest it again, privately.</p>
<p>At the next meeting, tell everyone that you want to have a “Things I’m thankful for”-themed Thanksgiving for your family, but you’d like to expand the list you’ve come up with. You can volunteer a few strategically-chosen ideas … healthy kids, nice home, etc. Ask group members what they’re thankful for. Be sure to include your tiresome friend in this request. Perhaps she’ll “see the light.” Perhaps not. But you can be pretty sure that one of two things will occur … either she’ll become more positive, or she won’t. If the latter, I don’t see an alternative to counseling. Good luck!</p>
<p>“Does she pick up on the silence or lack of response?” No, completely oblivious.
Momlive, paperplane - when counseling has been suggested, she says she can’t afford it.
paperplane, although she would be among the first to contribute, I don’t think it would engender much self- refection.
new hope - I think you’re onto something. One of the moms today suggested to me that we have a ‘glass is half full’ discussion next time around. Sounds good.</p>
<p>I’ve never posted such a personal story on CC before and I really thank you all for letting me take a fresh look at the issue.</p>
<p>She sounds to me like she’s depressed. As in, needs meds to recover from her depression. It might be kind to do a little research and see if there’s a mental health clinic locally and suggest it to her the next time she says she can’t afford counseling.</p>
<p>And my reply to “at least you have a husband” would be “yes, I have a husband, but that doesn’t mean my life is perfect.”</p>
<p>I think you may need to confront her with blunt descriptions of how she is making socializing with her unpleasant. Perhaps you can say “we know you have problems, but if you don’t want to solve them, we don’t want to hear about them.”</p>
<p>She does sound depressed. Or if not, surely depressing to be around, and not a very happy person. If she used to be fun to be around, then it does sound like she might be depressed.</p>
<p>Maybe in addition to your ‘gratitude’ theme night (which is a GREAT idea)–you could work in a new gal’s night ‘policy’ where there’s a brief ‘***** session’ at the start of each get together where everyone gets a chance to vent about something that’s on their mind and then after that everybody has to focus on the positive and have FUN! </p>
<p>Good luck to you!</p>
<p>^^^
I agree. The fact that she doesn’t pick up on others discomfort tells me that she is self absorbed and probably depressed. The charity thing won’t work because people like this, in my experience never seem to make the connection between subtle clues that are being sent and their own behavior.
You’ll need to spell it out…gently and privately. She needs to know and she might get angry at first. if the info is delivered in a loving way it might get through.</p>
<p>dmd77 - yes your blunt approach is definitely my MO but not the norm of the group…at least not yet.
Actually, a newcomer joined us a few months back and ‘surprise, surprise!’, she sat next to the problematic mom. The newcomer did offer all sorts of reflective comments - really interesting, I’m sure she was experienced with therapy herself. It did throw the table off for a little bit…It was a good!
I think meds would help her…I’ll look into it. Although I’m afraid there is a fair amount of narcissism going on here as well.</p>
<p>Hi Woody - I think this could be a self-esteem issue, also.</p>
<p>I have a sister-in-law who can “top” anything. If I had an earache, she would tell how her ear drums exploded. If someone had a baby, she would tell how she had a gazillion stitches and there was a mess on the entire floor. She makes herself feel better somehow by “beating” us with her own life experiences. My daughter put a status on Facebook about how her legs hurt because she was constantly going up and down 3 flights of steps to her dorm room. Well, wouldn’t you know it, my niece has more steps than my daughter. Somehow my sis-in-law always “wins”. It’s crazy.</p>
<p>OP – what happens if you let her “win.” If someone says they had a bad day at work and she goes on about her job being worse, what does she do if the person says “yeah that sounds awful, glad I don’t work there.” If it is a self-esteem and validation thing, that may shut it down. I know people who have to go about about everything THEY do – how they work harder, have the longest commute etc. When you just shrug your shoulders and let them think they’re right, they tend not to have much to say because they either think they’ve convinced you or maybe they realize that you don’t care enough to be convinced or unconvinced.</p>
<p>find a therapist in your area that is affordable. I found one for a friend that charges $35 and I know another who charges $50. Chances are her insurance will cover it for a co-pay of $20-30. Send her an email with the info and tell her you are quite worried about her because you have noticed that at the meetings she sounds so unhappy and unable to change her life. Tell her that “others have noticed as well”.
She will either follow through or quit the group. 5 years is way way too long to not have a different perspective…even if not that happy.</p>
<p>While contemplating a solution, you might be amused by Dilberts character “Topper”.
[url=<a href=“http://search.dilbert.com/search]Dilbert.com[/url”>http://search.dilbert.com/search]Dilbert.com[/url</a>] p=Q&lbc=dilbert&uid=280443703&ts=custom&w=topper&af=chara:topper&isort=date&method=and&view=list&filter=type:comic</p>
<p>If the link doesn’t work, just go the Dilbert site and search for Topper.</p>
<p>Dadx thanks for the laugh.</p>
<p>My guess is that the OPs friend had this same issue before her divorce.</p>
<p>^^ Thanks for the advice… and laughs.</p>
<p>I’m going to wiegh a few of the suggestions here and hope for the best. I do think professional help is the way to go. I realize I may have sounded like I was miffed that my evenings out are not much fun. That is part of it but the bigger part is that I know she is really in need of help and I wasn’t creative enough to come up with something.
Thanks!</p>
<p>aj - We usually do let her ‘win’, nods of agreement, ‘must be awful’, etc and so forth. So once she wins ‘the most difficult child’ award, she goes right into ’ the worst husband that ever lived’, followed by ‘I’ll probably lose my job next week.’</p>
<p>woody - don’t beat yourself up for not enjoying your time with her. It is very difficult to be around a negative personality. We all like to be compassionate and supportive to friends during rough patches, but these Energy Vampires (see Jon Gordon’s “Energy Bus”) are tiresome and really do suck the life out of a pleasant moment. It sounds like you and your friends want to help and she is lucky to have you.</p>