To Anyone - Taking time off college to find myself - options?

Parents Forum
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<p>Hi everyone,</p>

<p>I go to a top Ivy League university and just finished my first year. Academically, I had an average year by high standards, fair/good by normal standards. Socially I made some good friends, as one is expected to do in college, but no best friends, and in reality, I have been feeling quite lonely for a long period of time. I had several strong academic interests but feel lost between them now and no longer have career plans, having seriously considered (and still considering) everything from ibanking to med school to law. I am an only child and have a very unhealthy, and constantly worsening, relationship with my parents, who also have a poor and constantly worsening relationship with each other because of what seem to be irreconciliable differences between all three of us. I don’t feel home at home or at college; I feel I can’t turn to any friends or family for help, I think there is something -perhaps the dysfunctionality and unemotional nature of my siblingless family upbringing - stopping me from forming close relationships with other people in college and elsewhere, and the academic fields that captured my interest in high school now seem tedious, pointless, and boring, and I absolutely cannot imagine being tied to any one of them for any extended period of time, much less a lifetime.</p>

<p>What dawned on me tonight after a big fight with the parents was that there needs to be some change in my life. It seems to me that I am going through the motions that one goes through to be successful in life, starting with attending an HYP school. But in reality, my life feels empty, directionless, and meaningless - I know that sounds ridiculously cliche, but I can’t think of any more accurate way to word my emotions. </p>

<p>I don’t want to continue in this path I have set out on, because I do not think it will really ever lead to happiness for me. I am thinking about taking next year off to really “find myself” in all the aspects of my life. What I do isn’t really important to me. All I really want is to have some time in which to explore the world, have new experiences, meet new people, mature, and re-inject myself into the world of the living. Luckily, I think my school has a very generous policy on taking a leave of absence. I have considered programs like Peace Corps, but would like to have some advice on what other options I might consider. I would like to go off the beaten path, and am willing to try absolutely anything. Thanks so much for your advice in advance.</p>

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<p>Go for it - take the year off, travel, work, volunteer for those less fortunate than yourself.
Your whole life is ahead of you. You are clearly intelligent, but have not found your passion. My prayer for you is that you discover your passion in life, and that you can spend your life following that passion. Best of luck to you!</p>

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<p>OP
What an articulate post!
May I also suggest some therapy, as your post conveys signs of depression? The family situation seems to be wearing you down.</p>

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<p>You may be mentally exhausted after pushing yourself so hard through HS to get to where you are today. Once you got to a school that thousands of kids dreamed of going then it’s “is this it? You mean this is what I have worked so hard for?” The idea of getting into a high paying profession that everyone expects you to, you are probably wondering about meaning of life for you. Are you doing all of this for yourself, or are you doing it for other people? Most of us do not ponder those questions until we are in our 40s or 50s, hence mid life crisis. You are ahead of us by thinking about it at your age. But I think you could do a better job of sorting it out by going to a professional.</p>

<p>My older daughter also worked her butt off her in HS. She didn’t get into HYP, but she is at a very demanding school. After her freshman year she was exhausted. Her math courses were harder than she could have imagined. She still knew what she wanted to do, but she needed a break. We suggested for her to take a semester abroad. At her school, grades outside her school do not count toward her GPA. As good as our relationship was, I think she also needed a bit of independence. She chose to go away to Sydney, probably furthest place you could get from us. She is leaving in 3 weeks. It’s going to be a change scenery, less school pressure and less communication with us. This past year, knowing she will be going away somewhere for a semester has helped her greatly mentally. You may want to consider studying abroad for a year or a semester. It may help open some doors for you.</p>

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<p>Just to offer an alternative point of view: I would feel better reading your post if your reasons for leaving school were more positive. Then I might urget you to follow your gut.</p>

<p>It sounds to me as if you might be depressed, and perhaps the stresses of your childhood and adolescence are catching up to you. Also, you are adjusting to no longer having the sort of false sense of order your life had from what you thought was the authentic (and perhaps vocational) direction of your life. Also, adjusting to leaving an dysfunctional home can be harder than the stress of leaving a happy one, believe it or not.</p>

<p>I was very much in your shoes in the late 1960’s, and did in fact leave school. It did not work out very well, to be honest, although life has a way of working itself out no matter what we do, in the long run.</p>

<p>I would suggest that you not “act out” your feelings, which may even prevent you from gaining insight. I would suggest that you stay in school, and work things out from that solid base, while still progressing with your studies. I understand that those studies feel meaningless, but that may be more a product of your own depression than their inherent value. Also, you could have an MD or therapist work with your school to reduce your courseload, and volunteer or do other things while still there, with that extra time.</p>

<p>If you stay in school, work with a therapist or counselor, and maybe even consider meds (I believe that more than 30% of Harvard students are on anti-depressants, by the way), you may end up in a good place. Destabilizing your life while working on these issues sometimes can cause more problems.</p>

<p>I remember reading, again in the late 1960’s, “The Making of a Counterculture.” That book described the state of mind of many top college students as “anomie” and “alienation.” You are experiencing things that many others are experiencing, and it is very tough. But you can get through it, and switching the scenery may not be the answer.</p>

<p>p.s. Just read a book called “The Intern” in which a med student goes through this, stays on the path, and ends up in a better place than if he had left…good description of depression by a high-achieving type with lots of dysfunction in his family.</p>

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<p>ps Many students go through college not knowing what they are going to do for a career. One influence from home may be an emphasis on studying hard for future economic gain and prestige, or for professional goals. There is nothing wrong with exploring in a sort of directionless way for awhile, and with “learning for learning’s sake.” This should be a time of relative freedom from stressful thoughts about making a living, and your vocation will become clearer over the next few years, in a more natural way. Take some risks and take some classes that you never thought you would take. The president of Harvard is emphasizing getting back to this approach during undergraduate years, and away from careerism.</p>

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<p>So many thoughts on this one… I graduated in the dark ages (1976) and went to a community college because I had no clue what I wanted to do. After 2 years and a degree I still had no clue what to do. Instead of transferring and going to school for 4 years to have no clue, I did something to broaden myself. Nothing altruistic, I moved to a place I had visited once, where I had no connections and I ski bummed for 2 1/2 years.
I waited tables, bartended, skied and rode my motorcycle in the off season. Along the way I learned how to take care of myself, balance a checkbook, save for what I wanted, cook and deal with the world. I grew up. I have no regrets about the time away from school. It gave me confidence. I knew I would go back and finish my degree (the family wasn’t so sure!). When I did, I did so as an adult. So for me bottom line is take the break, but have a plan to go back. And I still ski.</p>

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<p>jack, I am all for the kind of breaks you described. But the OP seems to be in some pain beyond not knowing what they want to do. Which is why I’m going to say what I"m going to say.</p>

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<p>This. The problem with geographical cures is that you are still the same person when you get to the new place. That reality can set you back even further.</p>

<p>Have you seen a medical doctor? A therapist?</p>

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<p>I am a great believer in gap years and time off, but I don’t have good feelings about what you are proposing. I’m not convinced that a year of aimlessness is going to give you what you need. I agree seeing a therapist to sort things out may something you should pursue this summer and if you can find something concrete and worthwhile to do for a gap year, that may be all right. But I don’t think a year being a cashier at the supermarket (and would you find a better job than this? And would it pay the rent? I don’t think living with your parents would be helpful) is a good idea at all.</p>

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<p>"May I also suggest some therapy, as your post conveys signs of depression? "</p>

<p>I agree. I think that therapy would be a good way to decide whether to take a gap year. If what’s troubling you is depression, a gap year probably won’t help with that.</p>

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<p>Your school may have a generous policy toward leaves of absence, but do your parents?</p>

<p>You need to find out whether your parents will still support you financially through three more years of college if you take a gap year. If the answer is no, the disadvantages of a gap year likely outweigh the advantages.</p>

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<p>Just wanted to add that for some people, it can be hard coming back to school after a break. Not everyone of course, but it is something to think about.</p>

<p>When I took my gap year in the late '60’s, I did a lot of cool stuff. I worked with nurses in Appalachia, I traveled (worked in a fish factory to pay for it) and farmed in Vt. </p>

<p>But I felt even more alienated when I tried to return to school, although I did find some people to connect with. I ended up doing all my classes through continuing ed and not being on a campus.</p>

<p>Just a thought. It would help to talk this over with someone, I think. Making decisions like this can be truly life-altering, and I hope you can feel really good and solid about whatever you decide to do.</p>

<p>In the meantime, have faith that things will work out no matter what. Kids like you who face things at a younger age end up being deeper, caring people, and I’m sure you will end up contributing a lot to the world when things settle down a bit. Good luck!</p>