Any ideas on how not to raise ABCD kids? I feel I am doing ok with mine but i see some in family really struggling with it. Just conversing with kids back in my college days, Indians overall seem to have better handle on this than others. What is the secret?
Please define “ABCD kids”. H is Indian, I’m American born- both high achievers.
ABCD=American born confused Desi
What is an American Born confused Desi?
What the hell is this? What’s a desi parent. Is this some CC term?
First of all don’t call your kids ABCDs because it is derogatory.
It seems the ABCD term rose in popularity with the release of a 2013 film by that title. It refers to Desi people born in the US who are often first-generation Americans and are “Westernized”. It can be compared the term “coconut” (ie, “brown on the outside, white on this inside”), and obviously can be considered offensive depending on its context, as can ABCD.
Desi refers to the people from the Indian subcontinent - Pakistan, Bangladesh, India, among others - and its diaspora. Thus, a Desi parent is a parent with origins in the subcontinent.
Sounds like ABCD is similar to the ABC(American-Born Chinese) in the Chinese American community…and is sometimes used in a similar pejorative manner.
Moderator’s note: The OP wanted advice and instead people are posting random derogatory comments which are unwarranted. Pleas confine your comments to either giving advice on raising kids or leave it alone so the thread dies.
sorry for confusion, its pretty much a very common term for (south asian) kids who too tried to hard to fit in at the expense of their own culture. I dont know a proper, newer or diplomatic term for it, or even if it exist.
The term was being thrown around even in late 90s, back in my college days. Being refer to as one (playful manner) occasionally, i should know:)
I’m not a parent, but I don’t understand what your precise struggle is? Are you concerned about desi kids distancing themselves from their culture?
If that’s it, my experience is that’s more of a high school thing that happens when there’s lots of peer pressure to conform to the majority (generally white) culture and few minorities. At university, I’ve observed lots of South Asian clubs/organizations that are sites for dialogue about various understandings of culture, what it means to SA kids, how they use it to build their identity, and even discussions about social issues. My school has a bunch of South Asian dance teams, one acapella group, hosts events for many big SA holidays via student groups, multiple activist/general cultural groups so there are lots of ways for kids to be involved/decide what aspects of the culture they relate with. It may be different at state or less diverse schools. There, there might be greater pressure to fit in, and I honestly don’t have any advice for that.
I think it’s really unfortunate to be pressured into an identity or culture. Ideally, it should be the individual’s choice; personally, speaking, I’ve grown up with a great deal of appreciation for Indian culture and religion because my parents didn’t really force it too much on me, aside from trips to temple, and they’ve really loosened up on it, and just encourage general ‘religosity.’ As a result, I integrate some of those values in my life.
Good luck to you! I hope you get some good answers from people with actual experience.
These terms may be common for some people, but I’ve never heard either one before. I think some of the snark is due to the way the OP used unfamiliar, undefined terms.
That said, I don’t understand the OPs question. Are you trying to prevent your kids from falling into this type of behavior? Or are you trying to control your own impulses? I guess I understand that ABCD is something to be avoided, but who is driving? The kids or the parents?
You’ve brought your children to live in this country, so their psychological and economic well-being depend on them being able to adapt to this milieu and fit into it to a certain extent. This process of synthesizing two different cultures is going to be confusing at times. I don’t think there is any way around that. However, Americans like me are going to find your kids very unlikable if you teach them that their culture is better or superior. Your kids may try to hide their and their parents’ belief about Americans, but the attitude tends to seep out anyway. No one likes to be disdained or looked down upon, so your child’s classmates, teachers or potential employers may not like your child very much if they sense he feels that way. This will result in your sweet son or daughter having to now deal with a suspicious or hostile atmosphere through no fault of his or her own.
You see, when your Desi kids like and make friends with nice, studious American kids, they are going to have a tough time understanding why mom and dad keep discouraging the friendship just because the person is not Desi. The Indian kids my children were sort of friends with felt a lot of embarrassment and pain over having to decline invitations or keep non-Indian friends at arm’s length because “my parents don’t want me being friends with American kids because they think they aren’t serious about academics” or “My parents don’t trust Americans,” or “My parents think American girls are loose,” or something similar. How confusing is it to your kids that YOU have decided to live in the United States and give birth to children who will be Americans themselves, but yet you don’t approve of Americans in general? And speaking of generalizations, please don’t lump us all together, or your own people either. My daughter was a good, moral girl and top student who went off to Stanford, yet some of her Indian classmates’ parents were afraid to let their daughters associate too much with her for fear she, being American, might lead them astray. Meanwhile, the Indian friends the parents approved of were actually the ones drinking and sleeping around–not my daughter. Similarly, I once babysat for my Indian friend’s two children. We read books, played educational games, and went to the park. But her husband was unhappy with the arrangement only because he felt they should be cared for by Indians because he trusted Indians. Long story short, the kids ended up spending their days in an Indian household where Indian soap operas were on the TV all day long, exposing her kids to inappropriate adult material, and they never read books or went out to play anymore. My friend regretted the decision.
So, my advice would be to present your culture as their heritage and the ties that bind their your family together. Your kids needs to love and respect their culture because they need to love and respect their family members, many of whom are still in India or wherever. There are aspects of your culture which you may think are indeed objectively better than ours, and perhaps they are. But you will do your children no favors by putting down the world they have live in or the people they need to get along with. Teach them your values and allow them to make their own assessments of people and things based on those values. Due to our history, we in American highly prize freedom. Freedom, however, means people are free to do both good and evil. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that the greater social CONTROL inherent in your culture is the same as better morality.
I think what you have here is the good old American generation gap. It doesn’t matter where you’re from or how long you’ve been in the US – parents want their kids to hold onto their values and their children want to decide for themselves who they want to be. All we can do is set a good example, make sure our kids understand our beliefs and customs, then trust them to find their own way.
I think it’s normal for kids to want to fit in. I also think its normal for them to try on different personas as they mature. They eventually find themselves. Our kids may not share all our beliefs or customs but as long as they’re honest, compassionate people who love their families and give back to their communities, I’ll be happy. The rest is up to them.
Hmmm, when I don’t understand something, especially when responding to a post about another culture, my first impulse would be to either ask polite questions, or realize it’s not a topic I have any insight into so maybe I don’t need to participate.
“Snark” would not be my chosen response.
I thought it referred to Mr. Arnaz. Who knew?
I did too @TatinG
I had never heard of this term before.
To the OP, please reread what @TheGFG wrote.
Not Indian, but similar issue with my immigrant husband and our native born American kids. He worries they are too American and not enough like his culture. He wishes the kids would hang out more with kids from his background. I remind him that our kids hang out with others like them: smart, straight arrow types, whether or not from the same cultural background. We have to trust our kids to make good choices. They understand the social scene better than we do.
FWIW one of my kids is very smart and serious, a classic STEM nerd. Most of his friends are like him…and Asian. We are white. I guess they do have in common the immigrant parent thing, but are not from the same country,
I didn’t realize that people were thinking of this in terms of parental interaction with American (or Western) culture. It is really hard to figure out who you are and what you want to embody, and especially so when you are caught between two worlds, so the best you can do is encourage openness, b/c you can’t close yourself off from the ‘foreign culture’, even if you tried, while presenting/modeling the values you think are important and encouraging your kids to uphold them.
My parents, perhaps because they have a cynical view about the negatives of Indian culture/immigrant communities (the misogyny, the judgemental-ness etc. - certainly not restricted to these groups, though) never pushed me towards the indian community. They did want me to be friends with people who shared similar/good values, like caring about studies, family, respectful etc. They have certainly worked to learn more about Canadian/US culture, improve their English (personally I think it’s great for people who learned it as a second language), and have adopted ‘western’ practices/ideas that they think are useful, like eating early, working out etc.
At the same time, my parents are critical of the racism that they encounter (as they should be), and other particular values, which they voice at home. Ironically, they don’t get riled up about traditionally controversial topics like drinking or sex - they encourage me not too, only because they think it’s an inconvenience for my health/career- , but more about things like parents not paying for the childrens’ education etc.
I think it’s a fair and openminded approach. I have a lot of respect for them and have made my own decisions about what to accept and reject. By and large, I think I agree with a lot of general principles, like family loyalty, respect of parents, focus on studies, religion, a liking for indian food etc. I get on well with most of my classmates, and if I don’t, it’s not because of a cultural difference. I am mostly friends with other minorities/fellow immigrants b/c we share similar values/similar life experiences/SES, but I also have WASP-y/‘American/Canadian’ friends. I don’t think I’m unique in this regard.