<p>Nope. Did not do that. Nor did my hubby.</p>
<p>2nd most expensive?</p>
<p>Good for you jym, you handled it in a classy way! ;)</p>
<p>I wouldn’t think you would actually do it, Jym, but it was amusing to consider ways you could have been frustrating to her.</p>
<p>well all’s well that ends well…</p>
<p>I’m wondering if she thinks you are the obnoxious one - lol Have any other plan with her coming up soon?</p>
<p>Because it seems to be hard for her to see how she comes across to others, she probably does not see that she did anything wrong. The funny thing was that her DH poked fun at her and occasionally she poked fun at herself earlier in the evening (in the car). Also, at one point during the appetizers she completely interrupted me as I was answering a question from our mutual (3rd) friend and totally changed the subject, basically cutting me off and cutting me out of the conversation. I waited patiently until the 2 of them were finished, at which point I said " so as I was saying…" and finished my response. She actually said “oh sorry”. That was a first, and duly noted.</p>
<p>So, was it worth all the angst?</p>
<p>The possibility of mulling over the “woulda, coulda, shoulda’s” would have been worse. I appreciate the opportunity to think out loud with my cc buddies and come up with an decision and plan that obviously worked just fine. Sorry if there was no drama for cc’ers to enjoy, But thats not me. I dislike drama. I would never make a scene. And she behaved as well. Beneath all this, we are friends. I have accepted that if she needs to be the center of attention, well, thats her need and I understand. And while I will tolerate that to a point, I have my limits.</p>
<p>You addressed it all in advance with the carefully thought-out emails. It worked. I’m glad the dinner went well. You and H were properly thanked for doling out many days of live-in hospitality when the friends most needed it. You stood up for yourself without ever raising a decibel. Everything you wrote – and didn’t write – required her to go in upon herself and figure out some better choices. </p>
<p>Class act.</p>
<p>Thanks, p3t. It was the best outcome one could hope for. I did all my masticating and processing here, sent a clear message in advance so that no angst was necessary by the time the weekend arrived. Friday night was a little bothersome, and I may or may not ever choose to address it. Probably not. Good news is that I have a lousy memory. I’ll forget most of the criticizing/putdowns that she said. Will probably let it go. At least for the time being. No need to pick at a scab, as they say.</p>
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<p>Nearly all my friends and I also dislike drama and for that reason…make it a point to confront people like your “friend” to put them on notice early on such behavior is not acceptable. If they don’t change, they get dropped automatically as a “friend” because in our book…they certainly aren’t acting like one. </p>
<p>IMHO…life’s too short and stressful enough at times to put up with “friends” like that. </p>
<p>Only exceptions I’ve made are for those who have been professionally diagnosed as having a mental illness/learning disability. </p>
<p>Even then, I make it a point to minimize my contact with them to what’s absolutely necessary for social/other reasons as I don’t like the feeling of being sucked into an emotional black hole whenever I’m around them.</p>
<p>Yeah, and anyway, it was the whole rigamarole of expressly not being thanked that really “got” to you, anyway, as it would get to anyone. And, she knew she was being called on it, and that led to Friday.</p>
<p>Ultimately, though, you’ve made your point. “Don’t take me for granted.”</p>
<p>She won’t, anymore, in whatever ways she is capable of not. And, I doubt you will offer the guest room again. Friends aren’t perfect, luckily, or else we would have to be.</p>
<p>Well handeled.</p>
<p>Making a scene or having drama rarely works well IMO, it just gives the other person cause to think they were in the right…It sounds like you want to maintain the friendship with this person and having a blow up wouldn’t make that happen any easier.</p>
<p>The key to this relationship is what the other woman does, it is about boundaries. You wrote she has family time where people can’t call,etc, and those are boundaries, and those are what protest us in relationships (took me 7 years of therapy to figure that one out, especially when it comes to family). </p>
<p>Going forward you need to figure out what your boundaries are and what issues with your friend you can stand to live with and which ones need to be protected by boundaries. If she is forgetful or self centered and you can live with that, it is fine (I find it interesting that she and her husband are aware of her faults, can make jokes about it, but can’t deal with it…that kind of joking IMO is often a way of telling other people “hey, I know I can be a jerk, I don’t mean to be, so understand if it happens”, though I don’t know how much I accept that, if you can acknowledge your issues, you can also address them…more like a broad based thing to get out of taking responsibility, but whatever). </p>
<p>You can’t change other people, you can only set boundaries. For some reason this woman seems to think you are a friend, and if she wants your friendship she will have to respect your boundaries. If she says something like “I want to go out Friday for dinner and a movie” but then later in the week says “I want to do it, but I may have something come up” then say “then I would rather delay it to when you don’t have something”. If you have plans with her that get cancelled at the last moment, and this happens a lot, then tell her “I really like going out with you, but I have to say it is difficult, we make plans then you often have to cancel them because of other things. I would rather go out less, and do it when there can’t be any conflicts, rather then make plans and have them cancelled where 1 times in 4 we actually get together. I understand you are busy, have things to do, but so do I and I cherish making plans to be together, take time out of things I am doing to do that, and canceling those plans means I am left not having time with you and not having other things I could be doing”…doesn’t have to be nasty, one of the problems with people like your friend is they think their life is extraordinary, that their lifestyle and so forth is unique, that everyone else just sits around twiddling their thumbs when not with them, don’t do anything, and can’t see the impact on your life…hence you needing to tell them.</p>
<p>To be honest, if I had a friend who did what she routinely does, I would not be friends with them for long, I spent a lot of time chasing after people like that, and it isn’t worth it…some were really interesting people who it was a lot of fun to be with, but one sided relationships are like playing tennis by yourself…</p>
<p>Am well aware of boundaries, musicprnt. I am just usually pretty flexible, and that gets taken advantage of at times. Most of the time I don’t care, as I am happy to take the high road. But sometimes enough is enough.</p>
<p>BTW, there was a passing comment made at dinner that left me with the thought that the third friend might possibly read CC (I have told her about it in the past)! If so, well, hi there 
and hopefully it will be seen that I really struggled to figure out the best way to handle this situation without feeling overly hurt and unintentionally taken advantage of, and exploring the best way to address my feelings without jeopardizing friendships.</p>
<p>I am so glad to have stumbled onto this thread because I am in the unique position of offering a real life example of JYM’s hospitality and how actions could be misunderstood.</p>
<p>D and I were looking at a college in JYM’s town and she graciously invited us out to dinner with her husband. I had never met JYM, but had gotten to know her a bit just from reading her posts. She picked us up at our hotel and brought us to a fabulous restaurant where we joined her H. Of course, we had a wonderful time, YADA, YADA, YADA–I don’t want to embarrass her. Suffice to say, if D ended up in that town for college, I’d be happy to arrange for frequent visits!</p>
<p>When the check came, I didn’t notice. I apparently was yakking away while JYM’s H paid the bill. Eventually I asked where the waiter was with the check. JYM’s H said he had already paid. I WAS MORTIFIED!!! Did they think I expected them to pay? Regardless of this thread’s discussion on birthday dinners and hosts, under no reasonable argument were JYM and JYM’s H our hosts!!! They must have thought I was a major schnorrer! But i really hadn’t seen the check and of course, I insisted on reimbursing our half.</p>
<p>My point is JYM is a reasonable, kind and very generous person. I think everyone already knows this. But, given this discussion of paying dinner tabs, I thought this story was worth telling.</p>
<p>That is incredibly sweet, vitrac. It was our pleasure. And more importantly, we know it was appreciated. Please don’t feel embarassed. Thats what my DH does.</p>
<p>He and I took a long walk this afternoon and talked about a number of things, including people’s flaws and the importance of both feeling appreciated and the importance of friendships. I greatly appreciate the opportunity to vent here and get opinions of others about dealing with/processing feeling unappreciated. It is a sensitive issue for me for sure.</p>