To parents out there - what do you want from/for your kids?

Parent Cafe
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<p>I think you’d find it difficult to find a mentally stable parent that didn’t want their child to be happy and healthy and self-supporting. That’s just a given and the one thing both children and parents can totally agree on. The parent/child conflict tends to be in the how. HOW to grow into a happy, healthy, self-supporting adult. </p>

<p>Personally, I want my kids to be happy, healthy and self-supporting like every parent does. How do I expect them to get to that point? I expect effort and personal investment. If they come home with a “C” and I know they’ve been struggling, asking for help and working their tail off… they get a big hug and congrats. If they come home with a “C” because they didn’t turn in half the work… they will be called out on it. I don’t care what activities they get involved in but I expect them seek and I expect them to fully invest. I expect them to show compassion and kindness. I expect them to push to be better people. Why do I expect these things? Because, life experience has taught me that a person who puts out their best effort, who throws themselves into something they love, who is kind and caring towards the people around them have the best chance at being a happy, healthy, self-supporting individual.</p>

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<p>Ditto- lots of the above comments. Happy, self supporting, healthy.</p>

<p>As the mom of 2 girls, I want them to have choices. Choices to have children ( or not), choices to stay home with their kids, the choice to have a successful career… or both. </p>

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<p>Neither of my parents were especially academically successful. They both have bachelors degrees but I don’t think either was really any good at what they studied. Neither are intellectuals by any stretch and are not big proponents of extended (past Bachelors) education. And neither really got much benefit out of their education, except my dad who probably just needed “any” degree to get where he is. My dad was fairly against me considering getting a PhD when I asked him his thoughts on it. As a result, neither me nor my sister had any real academic pressure other than passing classes.</p>

<p>They’re however fairly financially successful (compared to their upbringing) so they do expect that me and my sister will be financially successful. It’s hard to peg a number to it, but I’d like to have a 7-figure net worth by the time I’m 38, as he hit a 7 figure net worth by the time he was about 43. My sister will probably take a little longer but we all expect her to eventually get there. There aren’t real explicit expectations (except that I be able to provide for myself and any eventual family) but I think there’s an implicit expectation that I should at least meet whatever inflation adjusted benchmarks he hit. </p>

<p>I think my parents once expected to see some grandkids from me before they die, but I think that hope is now on my sister, though not until after she graduates. </p>

<p>Other than that, my parents don’t have much in the way of expectations of us. </p>

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<p>I would strongly recommend NON-FINANCIAL goals, not just net worth of $$$ by ## age. I knew someone who had that $$$$ goal and when he didn’t reach it decided to commit suicide, leaving behind a young widow with four young children and no means of support. It was awful for everyone. That is one of the first things that pop into my mind when I hear of people who have goals of having a set amount net worth by any particular age. Goals are important, but to me, balance in life is important.</p>

<p>For us, balance has always been important. When you and your family have to deal with chronic illness, health takes on a more important role than academics (which of course are also important). For us as a family, health has assumed top priority, and we have invested a lot of resources trying to have the best health for all of us in our family. I have always wanted my kids to learn because they LOVE learning and it has mostly worked very well for all of us. They are self-motivated and have not needed us to push them. We have mostly seen our role as supporting them and helping them figure out how to get things done when barriers are run into that they can’t overcome on their own.</p>

<p>It is interesting to me that people who have themselves or loved ones who have chronic physical or mental health issues are more attuned to the huge importance of health before worrying about any other goals for their loved ones. Without good mental and physical health, it is very difficult to accomplish and enjoy much. When you have issues with these, it does really help put things in perspective.</p>

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<p>I really agree. I tried doing 5 hours of sleep a day for a couple of months and “catching up” on weekends, but I started noticeably having various health problems and kept sleeping in class. Unfortunately for ambitious me, I’m one of those kids who just <em>needs</em> 7 hours a day. It was not fun, and I make it a point to get enough sleep every night, even if it means occasionally cramming homework during lunch or stealthily doing it in other classes to work around my busy schedule.</p>

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<p>People with financial goals come from a different kind of stock than you. It may not be something I or anyone else could explain to you, and your position may not be one that you explain to me or someone else who values financial success. People value different things, live in different societies in different circumstances. But it doesn’t do anyone any good to pretend that no one has financial goals or that they’re the “wrong” goals to have or anything like that. </p>

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<p>I do value financial success and we have achieved a very comfortable financial position, which we had NOT anticipated. I am just trying to caution folks that it is only ONE thing to consider in having a balanced, comfortable, “good” life. Without good health to enjoy it, financial success is really not as important to us.</p>

<p>To us, money allowed us to have the freedom to get the medical treatment we needed. It allowed H to choose whether or not to decline promotions and stay in a job and career he loved over one that would pay more but where he expected he wouldn’t be as happy. It allowed me to stay home and raise our kids until they were able to be fairly independent and then return to part-time work. It has allowed us to travel with our kids, allowed them to attend a private HS and attend an excellent private U. We wouldn’t have traded these things for a ‘higher net worth.’ For us, balance is key.</p>

<p>There are no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ goals, just different values and that can change over time, especially with different experiences in life. For us, experiences and quality of life trumped money, once we earned enough to live a comfortable enough lifestyle. For others, they may chose other priorities.</p>

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<p>A good question…
I want my kids to be happy and healthy, to love and be loved, to enjoy their work, to be generous with their gifts, to know how very much their dad and I love them. Grandchildren would be icing on the cake.</p>

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<p>OP it sounds like others have posted lots for you to consider. It sounds like you are learning your own limitations and want to go to school for engineering. Also that your parents and you are communicating and understanding better about ‘top 10 schools’. </p>

<p>I live in a middle sized city, and a few years ago several students from a prestigious private local school and a local public high school were trailed on their college application and acceptance process. The valedictorian of the private school set sights on Princeton, but was not accepted there. Did go to another prestigious college; family had open pocketbook.</p>

<p>Depending on one’s major and career goals. DD of boss had enough training and talent, was accepted to Julliard, won student awards while there, and is now a performing opera singer.</p>

<p>Hopefully you have visited some local and regional campuses and sorted out a little about what you see at these schools. If you want to put in the time and efforts for a number of colleges, make sure you want it on the list - so deciding early to keep enough schools on the list but not too many (knowing your own likes/dislikes, what reaches you might consider or not, distance from home, financial considerations, etc,)</p>

<p>My two daughters have gotten great scholarships at in-state public schools, studying what they want - and both got the best $$ at their #1 choice. The younger daughter is graduating HS 2014 and going to eng school at state flagship. Both H and I and DDs learned a lot from others (over the years with various talented students ahead of ours, as well as personal experiences getting degrees in 3 states and working for two universities).</p>

<p>The better you know yourself and keep your life balanced, my view is that is where you can find happiness too. You want successes and have enough pushes so that when you achieve something, it is not a hollow victory. Hopefully learning from little failures, smaller mistakes.</p>

<p>Sometimes smart kids do get caught up in not realizing older people have wisdom and most parents have their child’s best interests at heart. Also doing risky things is something so smart kids may do. The health comments are good, because without your health, it is difficult to achieve and enjoy life. Each person has the ability to control to some extent their personal outlook - will it be a happy day? How will I react to challenges today? What can I do to make today a great day?</p>

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<p>DS has always been a top student. He occasionally complained that we put too much pressure on him when he was growing up, even though we thought we have tried our best not to do so. We might have failed to hide our “expectation”.</p>

<p>From what we have been seeing, being a top student would more likely than not result in a great pressure on the student. The pressure could be from either the parents or the student him/herself, or both. Although we sent him thousands of miles away for college (and then grad. school), could you imagine that, even after he is already in graduate school (well…actually a professional one), at one time, he still called us in the middle of the night when he could not get into sleep before a big test?! His personality is such that he naturally puts a lot of pressure onto himself. Yes, he has achieved the goal of getting into top schools. But he has paid dearly for it while he was growing up.</p>

<p>DS once told us that when he was in high school, he kind of isolated himself so that he could allocate more time to devote to his study (the GPAs for the top few ranks at his high school are different by 0.0002 or something like that. It is really not a healthy environment if you are in such a race.) Later, he regrets his decision of doing so. He also regrets that he did not spend enough time/efforts in finding a GF/mate in college. But he was quite active in clubs in college and was generally pleased with his college life (except the part that he was still working quite hard on his academics – he was graduated in the top 5% of his class.)</p>

<p>After his high school (maybe even in the middle of high school), we started to not put any pressure on him. We think sending him OOS for college is a good decision for both him and us. He needs to have some “space” away from us.</p>

<p>What is our wish for him from now on? To have the luck of finding a soul mate who will NOT push him to excellency (like getting into a competitive specialty). He needs some break.</p>

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<p>I think it is a very good question, and one you should ask your parents.</p>

<p>I want mine to perform at the top of their particular ability levels. If they were average, I would expect average academic performance, but they are not. I want them to have no regrets about not giving it their all. Like I tell them, not once, have I ever had the expectation that you would be an Olympic gymnast or a world class cello player. You have not demonstrated interest nor aptitude in those activities. But I do expect your best academically, especially in your strongest areas. </p>

<p>I think it is starting to sink in, as scholarship offers have come in. Before, it was just Mom blah, blah, blahing. </p>

<p>I hope and pray they live by the values we attempted to instill as well. And I believe that if they do, they will be happy. Time will tell. Oh, and like my Mom said, “None of my kids ever go to jail.” (We didn’t and have laughed about setting that bar rather low ever since…). </p>

<p>And I want some grandkids! My kids aren’t that old, and I’m an older parent, so they tease me about at least letting them get out of high school and college. </p>

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<p>It’s amazing how what I thought I wanted for my kids has changed over the past four years. Academics are such a small part of the whole college puzzle. I’m now 100% in the happy, healthy and self-supporting group, but would also like to add finding someone to share that with, which I guess goes along with the happy part.</p>

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<p>Ditto to the healthy, happy, off my payroll… also, I’d like them to be happily married because what I really want from them (after they get the other stuff) is GRANDCHILDREN!</p>

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<p>I just want everything to always be okay for them.</p>

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<p>I want my children to always feel loved and to find love in this world. I want them to follow their passions, have integrity and character, and value learning for learning’s sake. I want them to be persistent, flexible, and sensible risk-takers. I try to tell them that college isn’t the end-all-be-all…life is what they make of it. Happy and healthy go pretty far in my book!</p>

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<p>Thanks for all the responses so far!</p>

<p>As an extra question, how have your hopes for your kids differed or been influenced by those of your own parents’?</p>

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<p>My parents were afraid. Afraid of life pretty much.
Part temperament, part their own parents influence.
I wasnt a daredevil, but I felt constricted and moved out when I was barely 18.
( not to attend college)
I have tried to encourage my kids to explore their interests and to value their own judgement, and supported them as much as I could along the way.
My mom was supportive of my differing parenting style, although she admitted it made her anxious. ( for example I supported my youngest traveling the world before college)
Its interesting though, how many things run through generations.
My dad, my kids and myself all really enjoyed photography for example, my dad had even installed a darkroom in the house where I was raised.</p>

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<p>I want my kids to be honest, with integrity, of good character, with a backbone and an independent streak, and know how to fail and fall down, and pick themselves up again.</p>

<p>Yes, they all tested gifted, and they have excelled in school, and pursue unique hobbies, etc. but, to me, all of that would be for nothing if they were cowards in the face of failure, and only knew how to please other people, and were so intent on success that they would be willing to cross the line and deceive others or hurt others to achieve that success.</p>

<p>What is the point of having a perfect GPA if a person cannot tell the truth? What good are high SAT and ACT scores if a person cannot face the possibility of failure and take some risks?</p>

<p>Being a good person trumps all everything. Among my son’s peers, I have met too many smart kids who cannot be trusted. They lie and cheat on assignments, and, while I understand that much of their deceit is rooted in their fears of their parents’ expectations, there is no excuse.</p>

<p>I have reminded my kids in the past of those supposedly brilliant people (many of whom have graduated from our greatest universities) who work in the government and other places of power who, when sitting in front of a Congressional hearing committee, answer “I don’t recall” to every important question, choosing to be bold-faced liars and expecting everyone to believe that they, with all of their academic ability and worldly success, cannot recall details of their own work. Yeah, right. If my kids turned into such people, I would be disappointed beyond measure. I would rather my kids be academic failures than liars. </p>

<p>Grades, we can work on. Lack of integrity and character, a near impossible ship to turn around.</p>

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<p>@chesterton my feelings as well. Great post, and again, I appreciate the input.</p>

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<p>I want my kids to be polite, respectful, considerate, kind, honest, caring and compassionate human beings. I want them to be thankful for what they have, and to help those less fortunate. I want them to wear their seatbelts and drive safely. I expect them to plan ahead, exhibit self control, and think of others’ needs. I don’t want them to be overly focused on material things. I want them to have faithful friends. I want them to make wise decisions. I want them to take care of themselves, clean up after themselves. I want them to be cheerful and good-natured. I want them to have enough, to enjoy life. I want them to go to church.
I honestly don’t know what my parents ever expected of me–as long as I didn’t ask them for money, didn’t break the law, or embarrass/shame the family, didn’t neglect my duties or make extra work for them–as long as I went to church, and respected them, they didn’t expect too much else. </p>