<p>What do you want from/for your kids, especially in terms of academic achievements and careers? Is what you wanted for your kids different from what you expect now?</p>
<p>I’m a junior in high school. Having dealt with disappointed parents myself who only started being open to non-top-10 options fairly recently, I’m really curious about other parents’ perspectives and I’d just like to better understand why parents, especially those with especially high standards, expect what they do from their children.</p>
<p>^I’m not a parent, I’m a senior in HS. My parents never expected me to attend top-10 schools or anything, and in fact I think I kind of surprised them with how well I fared in college exceptances, but my parents had very high expectations for me in school.</p>
<p>When I was in kindergarten, they (my school) found out I could read. I tested in the 99th percentile of 1st graders and the 96th percentile of 2nd graders in November of my kindergarten year. My parents ultimately decided to bump me up one grade as my older sister was in 3rd grade and didn’t want me being so close to her in school when our age difference was pretty big.</p>
<p>My “child prodigy” thing kind of leveled off the older I got, and I’m still towards the top of my class but definitely not the smartest or the best or anything. I guess what I’m getting at is, I kind of set the bar high for myself for early. My parents definitely treated me different than they did my older sister because they just knew I was capable of more. They pushed me to do my best but also trusted that if I was struggling it wasn’t due to a lack of effort, and that was all they asked.</p>
<p>Long story short: a parent primarily has high standards because they know you are capable of reaching their standards. A lot of kids will lose motivation if their parent is uninterested (why should I care if I get an 80 or a 90 in this class?), and many parents are just trying to have their kid reach their potential.</p>
<p>In your case, it is either you are capable of more and you just aren’t trying, or your parents have unfair expectations, which happens sometimes. Do you have successful older siblings? That might affect their perception of how easy it is to succeed. Are they themselves top-10 alumni? Have you demonstrated potential and/or interest in the past of attending a top 10 school?</p>
<p>Also, sorry it sounds like I have the biggest ego ever. I hope I don’t sound like I think of myself as a superior genius or anything. I was just thinking maybe your parents think you’re really smart, even if you don’t think that.</p>
<p>@novafan1225 lol no, it’s okay. I really appreciate the post.</p>
<p>I wasn’t looking for advice or anything since my parents and I have pretty much come to terms with all our major issues, nor was I looking for a nice and neat explanation; I really just wanted to hear other peoples’ opinions and experiences about what they want from their kids.</p>
<p>It’s funny because my situation was somewhat similar to yours. I was a top performer in the private school I went to through kindergarten and I was apparently gifted in writing/reading, but as I got older my glory days faded lol. I do suspect that a lot of disappointment stems from earlier expectations not being met. </p>
<p>My kids are still in grade school, so a ways from the college application madness. I want them to grow up to be kind and to think of others. I want them to experience the worlds of athletics and travel and nature and reading, friends, and family above all forms of staring at screens. I want them to try a lot of sports and musical instruments and adventures (big and small) and read a lot of books to see what interests them and what they are good at. I want them to learn in school and not just earn grades. I hope that they do helpful things not just for their resume, and will encourage them to keep some of them off of their resume because what could be sadder than helping others for your own gain. I want them to go to college to grow and learn, realizing that 75%+ of that will be outside of the classroom: discussions with friends, organizations, foreign study, reading cool books not assigned, playing in bands, whatever. I hope that they will realize that success is measured in health, family, love, generosity, and fulfillment more than prestige and salary. Idealistic, yes, but I’d rather hold my kids to a high idealistic benchmark than a financial one.</p>
<p>From an academic/career standpoint, I want my kids to have options, to find something they are passionate about doing, and hopefully, to be able to support themselves in that endeavor.</p>
<p>When you are young it is difficult to know what you want to do in life. Also, many kids don’t have a realistic idea of how much money it takes to be financially secure. I’m not talking about buying fancy cars or taking expensive vacations. I’m referring to things like living in a safe neighborhood with good schools, medical care, retirement, emergency funds, etc. The ability to achieve financial security and to have options comes through hard work and, with limited exceptions, a good education. Parents want their kids to do well so that they will have opportunities and choices. You can give up Wall Street to be a Wal-Mart greeter if you choose, but you can’t just move from being a Wal-Mart greeter to Wall Street (not that I would choose either:)).</p>
<p>All I really ask is they my DS try his best in whatever he attempts. Quitting something because it is hard is the only thing that would bring disappointment. I hope that he finds a way to make a living and that he is kind to others.
I also hope that he gives me a grandchild someday, but that is just a selfish wish. </p>
<p>Not a parent either lol. We just finished watching “Death of a Salesman” in English. If your teacher hasn’t already had you watch/read it, I’d recommend it as a “How not to parent” film among many other things. </p>
<p>TL;DR: If you can only ever measure success based on material wealth and your rung on the socioeconomic ladder, then nothing will ever be good enough for you and you will never achieve happiness. If you or your kid wants to be a carpenter, go for it! Don’t slog through the business world because society has told you that it is the only path to success. </p>
<p>And as far as the top ten schools go, not everyone can be number one by definition. By the same token, only a tiny percentage of the population can get into a top ten school. There are millions of people in this country that don’t attend a top ten school, and while not all of them are rich, they also aren’t all in poverty. </p>
<p>I have really smart kids (one was NMF, another was NMSF and Jeopardy contestant at age 22). In life I want them to be happy and healthy and self-supporting… anything beyond that is “gravy”. </p>
<p>I am the parent of a 24 and 26 year old. I have only always wanted them to be healthy, happy, and able to support themselves. Both got college degrees and are pretty happy. Both are also somewhat healthy (still working on/that piece, as they have some lingering chronic health issues), and the older kiddo is very self-sufficient. As the younger one gets healthier, we hope she will find a job she enjoys and can earn a living at.</p>
<p>FWIW, S was reading when he was 3 years old–he taught himself. We did NOT have him skip any grades and in fact held him back in pre-school. Our kids have always tested very well in all standardized tests and we allowed them tho choose whatever Us they wanted to apply to. We are glad that S was able to get significant merit aid to go to college, as it was very helpful to us.</p>
<p>We are glad they are nice people and have friends we really like. We hope they will find partners they enjoy and have a happy family and balanced life when they are ready for that phase of their lives.</p>
<p>I will echo all the votes for happy, healthy, and off my payroll and add to that the hope that each of my kids finds a career path that feels meaningful to him and spends at least at least some time contributing to his community. </p>
<p>HS kids sometimes forget that college isn’t the objective – it’s an important (and hopefully stimulating and fun) place that you pass through on the way toward longer term goals. When you think about it that way it’s less important where you spend those four years than what you do with the opportunities they create. </p>
<p>But, seriously, off my payroll is important. And maybe grand kids, but that can wait. </p>
<p>“I want my kids to be happy, and to be able to support themselves.”</p>
<p>I00% agree. Sometimes as a parent I catch myself living vicariously living my life through one of kids either through my memories of that age or feeling that I have a second chance to do something differently. I recognize this and stop to remind myself that its my child’s life and my role to help them in any way I can to achieve their goals.</p>
<p>The college process has been a eye opening self realization of the mistakes I made when I was that age and I try to impart those experiences to my kids so they can avoid some of the same disappointments. But in the end everyone has to learn things for themselves.</p>
<p>My two are in high school still. Both are very bright. All I have ever expressed to them was my expectation of them giving everything they have to their school work. I don’t care about the grade they receive because frankly that is out of their control. I’ve seen teachers give better grades than I thought was deserved and I’ve seen my boys receive lower grades than I thought deserved. But if they can look me in the eye each time a say they have done they’re best, I can’t ask for anything more.
If I can teach them to expect the best from themselves then I feel like I have taught them to be the best person they can be.
And to quote SomeOldGuy " off my payroll is important"’ and please wait for grand kids.</p>
<p>OP, I wish I could talk to your parents! I would tell tell they should thank their lucky stars that their child is healthy, mentally and physically, and hope she or he stays that way. My two older children, boys, are both mentally ill. My middle son, almost 19, is doing much better, but he has no desire to go to college at this point. My youngest is a healthy girl who is 15. My attitude has changed greatly. I put NO pressure on any of my kids anymore. All three know we’re here to cheer them on. That’s my role now. Once you’ve seen your child so ill he can’t get out of a hospital bed, your perspective changes.</p>
<p>@2015pop that’s really all my mom ever wanted, too. From the point when my grades started slipping she’s always told me that as long as I’m doing my best, she wouldn’t care what happened. I think it’s simply that she has such high expectations, both because of my earlier performance and her own habits as a child, that she expected so much for me.</p>
<p>I have to be honest and say that, though “Tiger Mom” mentalities can be extremely damaging (which they were at one point for me,) there’s a beauty to it. A tiger mom will look at their kid and, regardless of their personality or ability say, “You WILL do this, and I will make sure you do.” It’s this sense of equality that, under the right circumstances, the kid can really come to appreciate. If it wasn’t for my mother always pushing me to practice math I would have been stuck with a C and would have quit my dream of becoming an engineer. I think, then, as someone mentioned earlier, parents sometimes expect ehat they do 'cause they know their kids can achieve it. After all, children rise to the expectations you have for them, at least to a certain point.</p>
<p>@MaineLonghorn as stated in my previous paragraph, in a way I’m happy my mom pushed me the way she did. Fortunately recently my parents’ expectations have become more reasonable; my mom actually seems a lot nicer about it now, especially ever since I 1) accidentally told her she was the principal cause of my emotional issues in high school and 2) after getting really sick for three days. For her, it wasn’t seeing me getting really sick but falling ill herself that really solidified the importance of health to her. Although then she tells me to just work more efficiently so I can sleep more, now she encourages brief exercising and gaming breaks every couple hours (yay!)</p>
<p>Really appreciating all the posts and opinions!</p>
<p>When your kids are just babies, you focus first of all on advice that my wife’s grandmother gave: “Just bring them up alive.” We took this to mean healthy, functioning. We gave a lot to them beyond this, of course. As they grew older we came to wish the kids to be happy, creative, and self-reliant.</p>
<p>I join the chorus of happy, self supporting, society contributing. </p>
<p>In school I want them to do their best, to challenge themselves, to learn new things. And to make friends. I try hard not to tell them what to do, but to encourage them to find their own paths. That is not to say I don’t nag them when they are lazy!</p>
<p>They are very bright and have both been very successful. </p>
<p>I also hope for many grandchildren in several years.</p>