Silly question but I suggested to my S that he write a thank you card to coaches of the recent OV and I thought I would drop email with similar “thanks for hosting”…
My kid gave me look like I was crazy…
Am I? I just thought it was good manners and being polite but maybe I’m off base here…
I think you can never go wrong with a thank-you note. Ds2 wrote one to the scholarship office at his school, and I heard later that the head of the office read it to the entire staff, complimenting my ds and my parenting. It makes me a little sad that a hand-written thank-you note from a teen could create such a stir.
Writing a thank you note is ALWAYS in good form. Always.
Yes it’s sad state when hand written snail mail causes a stir.
But I think it shows a certain level of maturity.
I know I was impressed when an asst. coach from a top Ivy wrote my son a lengthy
Message above got cut off…
Lengthy hand written note. I thought it was very classy of the coach.
I agree that a thank you is always a great idea. IMO, a thank you email is fine (though a handwritten note is awesome, assuming your child, unlike mine, can remember how to properly address an envelope 
)
However, if I’m reading your question correctly, your ds thinks your crazy because YOU want to send an email. If that’s the case, I’d agree with him–not that you’re crazy, but that it’s probably best to leave the thanking up to him.
Here are the decision factors:
1.Will the coach consider the letter to be a nice polite thing or an attempt to suck up?
- Is your purpose for sending the letter primarily to enhance the kid's chances for getting a slot/offer?
Your kid knows the coach. Gotta size up the coach and make a judgment about how he would feel receiving a thank you letter, not how you would feel sending it.
If the purpose of sending the letter is primarily to enhance your kid’s chances, then don’t send it. Often it is easy to see through letters written for that purpose, and for a recipient to draw the impression that the kid is being ingratiating. Instead, a follow up communication can contain a legitimate question as its primary purpose, with a thank you added to the end.
In no case should mommy send a thank you. If there is a tie between two candidates for the last offer/slot, that can be the deciding factor in the negative. Let the kid handle it
“or an attempt to suck up?”
Honestly, if the coach’s thinking automatically gravitates towards thinking a nice thank you note from a teenager is sucking up, I’d want my kid to play for another coach. Jeesh. What is this world coming to?
Is writing a thank you note after an job interview ingratiating to you, @fenwaypark?
My advice stands.
I have been an employer and have conducted job interviews. I did not consider follow up thank you letters that I received, typically, to be ingratiating…although there were a few! And I never received a written thank you letter from a candidate’s parent.
I have been a coach at the youth/high school level. If I received a thank you letter from a kid or his mom after a tryout (I know this is not commensurate with an OV) I might think it was ingratiating. (I never received one)
@doschicos, I think, can’t prove it, that the vast majority of D1 athletes and their parents do not send written thank you letters to coaches after OVs, because of the risk, however slight, that it might be considered, well…
This is the precise issue raised by the OP…and her son, who apparently sees the same risks I do. I do not think they are somehow wrong or bad to raise it. I think it is a valid issue, not black and white. I think it is not smart to dismiss the issue out of hand, and just send a handwritten letter without careful thought
Text and twitter seem to cover the landscape pretty well these days, and these have been the successful methods for communicating with coaches in the cases of two D1 athletes I am very familiar with.
I think @fenwaypark is focusing on whether written thank you’s rather than emails are too much. My kids always emailed quick thank yous to coaches for visits. They didn’t fawn–just said something along the lines of thanks for giving me the opportunity to ____. It was great meeting with you and the team. I learned a lot about and _____________ feels like a great fit for me. I can’t imagine a thank you along those lines coming across as anything but good manners and an expression of continued interest in the team.
As far as written notes versus email go, I’d probably suggest that my kid follow the coach’s lead. If the coach took the time to write handwritten notes during the recruiting process, a handwritten note back seems appropriate. Otherwise, email has the advantage of being speedier and easier for the coach to respond to.
Thank you for the feedback.
I will say it’s a sad state of affairs when a legitimate attempt to be polite would be interpreted as an attempt “to suck up”. Very sad indeed.
I’ve always encouraged my son to thank those who have sacrificed their time and energy by mentoring, educating…
Again maybe I’m just “old school” but when people have taken a “chance” on you, used precious resources, and took time to plan, I’d assume a thank you is in order.
Having said that, I wouldn’t want to jeapordize his chances with any coach…
And I never, at any point, was planning on writing the letter for my son but was planning on thanking coaches for their well planned and executed visit and that I appreciate their professionalism.
I guess I will err on the side of caution.
I do like your idea about follow up question with an attached thank you.
Thanks for feedback.
If you really believe that
then why would you
As doschicos said, you wouldn’t you want your kid to be playing for a coach who epitomizes a sad state of affairs, anyway.
I don’t think it is a sad state of affairs. I think it is the use of proper judgment about the appropriate form of communication in a given situation…like your son seems to think.
One of my kids reminded me that a coach from a top 10 LAC came to their high school to talk about college recruiting. He specifically recommended writing a handwritten snail mail thank you note over an email. Perhaps this coach is old fashioned and its his own personal preference, but worth noting. Granted, a nicely written note or lack of it, won’t make a whit of difference if the athletic talent and academic chops aren’t there, but if your child is at the point of an OV, they’ve been vetted already.
@tonymom A straightforward thank you is great, really–but the follow-up question has the advantage of continuing the conversation, especially if presented by email.
Your impulse to thank the coaches is clearly well meant and understandable, but is probably best left for after the process is completed when you shake the hand of the coach at college drop off next fall (granted, you’ll only be talking to one coach at that point). My take is that while I definitely will give my kids significant advice and support through the recruiting process, the coach-athlete relationship is not one that involves me in any way. Unless the coach directly seeks me out (so far that has happened rarely), I stick to my role as kid support team. Now the financial aid officers, on the other hand…
Thanks all for the feedback. Kiddo will just thank in email. Easiest.
Had my hubby read all these exchanges and his take:
- if a coach is suspicious of intent they are probably just a suspicious person by nature.
- these types of forums only muddle the situation…best not to even ask…
Ok then
@fenwaypark : I think @tonymom is choosing to err on the side of caution in terms of her own thank you, but still believes that kids should write thank you’s. I’d agree–and I’m a little surprised by your belief that a handwritten note from a kid might be perceived as sucking up.
I’m coming in part from the perspective of a former boarding school parent. Written thank you’s to AOs, coaches, teachers, FA donors were the gold standard there…and a lot of those kids end up at top colleges. He might choose the convenience of email over written notes most of the time now that he’s in college, but my kid still pulls out his box of cards when he has a really important thank you to send.
As an aside, when my kids were in high school, I often sent thank you’s to coaches and teachers. So I completely understand where tonymom is coming from–it’s hard to get out of that mode and realize it’s not just okay but appropriate for your .future college student to go it alone from this point forward when it comes to that kind of communication
I think a thank you note sent by email immediately after an OV by an athlete is the best way to proceed in this situation. At this point things are moving very fast and the coach has to decide soon which athletes he wants to send an offer to so the speed of email is an advantage. It’s not necessary for a parent to send a thank you note to a coach.
“or an attempt to suck up?”
College coaches “suck up to” recruits and their parents all the time. It’s their job.
Along the same lines, how about thanking the kid(s) that hosted you, showed you around and took you to classes? Regardless of whether it has any bearing on your future with the team, it’s just a decent thing to do after they take time out of their weekend to play host.
Text or email is more appropriate than snail mail in this case.
Such vigorous debate over the the thank you process! What are the other do’s and dont’s of recruitment? At least for football
Oh course, that is for her to say about what she thinks, but I am reading the post as saying no handwritten thank you from the recruit or the mom. After all, it was the recruit whose initial body language was that it was “crazy”.
I think maybe some are getting caught up in my choice of words “suck-up”. How about if I substitute “ingratiating” (which I also used elsewhere) instead.
I am wondering why there is a need to err on the side of caution if there is no risk of being perceived as suc…errrrrr, I mean… being ingratiating. What are the other risks that need to be approached with caution in terms of handwritten thank yous from recruits and moms after OVs, besides this?
And to address your surprise, yes, I think handwritten notes from kids to adults in authoritative positions…coaches, professors, potential employers…can in some cases-- be regarded as ingratiating. This seems a rather mundane, unremarkable opinion and I am surprised it is surprising.
PS: I have no problem with short texts, or emails or twitter (even though I do not understand it well) to let coaches and players know you had a good time and appreciate their efforts. These are more casual modes of communication that seem to be accepted as part of regular everyday discourse. But handwritten notes…especially if communication up until now has been by text or email…like the OP’s son, I would think twice.