<p>They’re starting new jobs, with new insurance plans, probably in new cities.</p>
<p>They need to find doctors promptly and schedule appointments. If they have chronic problems that require ongoing care, such as prescriptions, they need to do this very quickly.</p>
<p>But they just started a new job, so they don’t have any time off coming to them in which to keep the appointment. </p>
<p>How would you advise your son or daughter to deal with this situation?</p>
<p>Maybe I’m feeling cold-hearted this morning seeing how I just poured my coffee and haven’t finished it yet, but since the son or daughter managed to graduate from college and were also able to land a job, I hope they can also tackle these basic life balancing skills without consulting mom and dad. If they ask for advice, go ahead and give it, but they actually have to do these things on their own now. If they asked, I would suggest they make sure they ask for an afternoon the first week of work to go take care of picking up needed prescriptions, doctor appointments, etc. Most companies allow for settling in time, especially if someone just moved to a new city.</p>
<p>My son’s company seems to offer a good bit of paid time off that he can use for things like that. He apparently had 3 personal days and a vacation day or two that were instantly in his account when he started (in October) for the last quarter of the year. When things reset in January, he got the whole year’s worth of PTO in the bank.</p>
<p>I tell both of my recent college grads ('07 & '09) that they are adults and have to figure things out for themselves. If a card comes in the mail from dentist’s office I tell the '09 child about it as she is still on our medical/dental coverage.</p>
<p>I did try and talk my son into finding a new dentist immediately and making an appointment. He started work in December and his company’s benefits year runs april through march. He needs some work doing and by going immediately he could have had a full years benefits between Dec-Mar, then started on the new one. He didn’t do it. Don’t think he found a doc yet, though his company has an on site one that he went to see. He did start contributing to his 401k about 3 months into the job.</p>
<p>I think he is in shock a bit at how much gets deducted from his pay check.</p>
<ol>
<li> Doctor’s appt - I would schedule it for as late as possible during the day (or on Sat if possible), speak with the manager about it, and I would make sure I put in extra hours (not just for hours missed). I would not schedule it around lunch time because it is not likely one could get in and out of an appt in one hour.</li>
<li>Finding a doctor - referral from the doctor at home or from someone in the new city.</li>
<li>Insurance/benefits - D1 and I filled it out together this year. Next year, she will know what to do.</li>
</ol>
<p>I figured all of those things out by myself, and I made some unnecessary mistakes. If I could pass on some of wisdom to my kid, why not. I don’t see why it is such a great thing to insist on them doing it by themselves. We call our friends up to ask for advice when we don’t know what to do, why would’t our kids do that.</p>
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<p>I’m a college graduate, too, and I’ve landed quite a few jobs (most people have done so by the time they reach the age of 56), and this is something that I have never worked out for myself. Several times, after starting new jobs, I have postponed needed medical care because I didn’t have any time off coming to me yet and therefore I couldn’t go to the doctor. And during one period in my life, I had both a primary care physician and a gynecologist whom I thought were incompetent, but I went to them because they had evening office hours once a week, and I was working for an organization that gave people only two sick days and five vacation days per year.</p>
<p>So I asked the question because I don’t know the answer myself. If either of my kids asks me about this issue, I’m going to feel like a jackass saying “I don’t know.” </p>
<p>And if I ever change jobs again, I’ll want the answer for my own benefit.</p>
<p>I will add that my current employer gives all new employees five days of sick time the day they start and allows them to use that sick time not only for their own medical appointments but also to care for family members with medical needs (e.g., taking their child to a medical appointment). I just started with the company five months ago, and it has been wonderful to have this benefit, even though I stayed on my husband’s insurance and didn’t need to find new doctors. Just knowing that you can make a doctor’s appointment if you need one is an enormous stress-reliever.</p>
<p>Really, that is what vacation days/personal days they are allowed are for. I will remind D1 (graduating next year) that she can’t plan all of her 2 weeks off allowed that first year for vacation time, she will need to leave a day or two of time for doctor/dentist appointments.</p>
<p>That’s not always possible, though. Where I work, vacation days are allotted to everyone at the beginning of June. Your first year, you don’t have any until then, and the second year you get a prorated number dependent on how many months you worked before June.</p>
<p>Sick days are doled out in January. I think you might be able to “borrow” ahead for them. But yeah, overall, at many jobs, sick/vacation days are not immediately available.</p>
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<p>My health insurance and dental insurance deductions don’t kick in until the first paycheck in June, but I’m already shocked at how much comes out each paycheck!</p>
<p>I think it is a wonderful send off gift to sit down and let your kids know all of the things you can think of in terms of joining the work world. Some research on his/her particular job and company would really be helpful. If you can, help them settle into their new city. Just like you did when they went off to college.</p>
<p>My closest friend is currently in CA, helping her D find an apartment, work out a budget, help on some other choices. She’s been there several days and was happy to find that she was really not that needed. Her D has some friends and contacts with whom she has spent the time in getting things ready, and so my friend has been superfluous. But she was there. She also could afford to be there, otherwise, the young lady would have had to do this solo. But info is free, and you can even send your advice in an email. The kids can take it or leave it. </p>
<p>Like the rice cooker I gave one of my kids. He stuck it in a cabinet and forgot about if for a couple of years and after scraping lots of rice from pots, he finally discovered it and has found how much easier it is to cook rice in it. That’s how advice goes sometimes too. You just hope they don’t just throw it out as they also sometimes do.</p>
<p>For those cold-hearted parents- Really?? If your child came to you with a question about something they have never dealt with before, you would just tell them to figure it out; you would not offer any advice? I am in my mid 50’s and there are still things I have to deal with that I might not know what to do, or the best way to go about it. When I want advice, I still ask my friends and yes, my parents. My parents have have more experience that I do, and I value their opinions.</p>
<p>Just take a look at the Cafe here to see all the question we parents are asking each other. When someone ask how to deal with their sinkhole (my recent question,) rats in the attic, bedbug, the best kind of doctor to go to for a particular problem, etc…; should we just tell each of these posters to figure it out themselves?</p>
<p>I am not saying you should do these things for you child, but if this is a new area for them, by all means give them the tools to take care of the issue; no need to throw them into a den of lions! My daughter found her own doctors in her new city by asking coworker and checking the internet; one of the doctors was horrible to her and she called to ask my opinion on what she should do. My husband, who is a physician, check with other docs around the hospital to see if any of them had a friend in my daughter’s area that might be able to suggest a doctor that fit her needs. Did I do too much for my daughter? Not in my eyes. She is very independent and has grown to be a wonderful woman; if she wants to come to her parents from time to time, I am happy to help when needed.</p>
<p>Sorry, didn’t answer OP questions, but I was bothered by the comments regularly on this forum to just let our children fend for themselves. Most of them can, but I am sure each and everyone of them has needed direction at one time or another in their adult lives. I know that many of my friends and well as myself have gone to others for help, whether it was our parents or a very wise friend.</p>
<p>Marian, your S or D needs to find out what their employers policy is on things. Do they have vacation/personal/sick days? If so, how many… and what is required to go about using them? I can tell you at my work we have x amount of days and you can use them for whatever you want… in whatever increment that you need (15 min, 1 hr, 2 hr, 1/2 day, full day etc). All new hires at my company start with 4 weeks of paid time off for a year, this gets pro-rated depending when they start. I would think if they start in June they would begin with about 2 and a half weeks or something similar. If they have no time off and can’t get an evening or weekend apt then they need to work it out with their boss. Come in early to leave early, or vice versa.</p>
<p>Now that I’ve had a cup of coffee and am reading this again, I can explain from where my point of view comes. I work at a large company that has lots of smart people with good jobs. In addition, I live in an area where most kids will be able to not only go to college but also travel the world on mom and dad’s dime. From my point of view, some of the helicopter parenting that I see is out of control. If you are a helicopter parent, I’m just saying, your job is done. Back off and let your talented child take care of themselves. If they come to you for advice, by all means, help them, but don’t micro-manage their adult lives like you might have micro-managed their lives up until this point. If you are not a helicopter parent, then I apologize if I offended you. If you are a child that has been helicoptered, then it is also time that you step up if you haven’t already and politely tell your well-meaning parents, I’ve got this, you don’t need to worry anymore.</p>
<p>My children, recent college grads, ages 24 & 26 don’t usually ask me for advice!
It is not that I am “cold-hearted” or don’t care! They have always been very independent</p>
<p>My children, recent college grads, ages 24 & 26 don’t usually ask me for advice!
It is not that I am “cold-hearted” or don’t care! They have always been very independent</p>
<p>This</p>
<p>If asked I will answer, but I won’t give advice pre-emptively.
If they have graduated college, that is more than I ever did & I am sure they can figure stuff out.</p>
<p>By all means, help them as much as you can. But don’t push yourself on them or knock yourself out so you are in trouble. There are parents who are overbearing, those who don’t help as much as they can because they are of the “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” mentality. It’s a matter of trying to reach the right combination, the right level which is always a challenge in parenting. My mother in her dotage still helps and tries to help. I’m not always appreciative, don’t always take or even want the help but I’m glad she is alive and able to want to help.</p>
<p>“My mother in her dotage still helps and tries to help. I’m not always appreciative, don’t always take or even want the help but I’m glad she is alive and able to want to help.”</p>
<p>My 86 year old mom called me two days ago to make sure that I had made an appointment for my annual visit to the dentist. It used to bug the heck out of me when I was 25, but now that I have an independent 25 year old D, I understand what my sweet mom is doing. We all want to imagine that somehow, somewhere there is a kid who still needs our help. *<strong><em>sigh</em></strong>.</p>
<p>At most of the jobs I’ve had, you have zero vacation and sick hours when you start, and you accrue a small amount with every paycheck.</p>
<p>You would probably have enough for a single doctor’s appointment after a month – but if you have a chronic health condition, you can’t necessarily wait a month.</p>
<p>As for parents offering guidance: When I was a young adult, commuting from a suburb to a job in a major city, I was stymied by how to handle my banking. My new husband and I had an account in a bank near our home, but I couldn’t access it because I was never near home during the hours when the bank was open. I asked my father, who had spent much of his career as a commuter, how he handled his banking. He refused to answer me on the grounds that this is something I should be able to figure out myself.</p>
<p>I have resented that answer ever since. My father has been dead for seven years now, and I still resent it.</p>
<p>And I never asked my father for advice about anything again. Never.</p>
<p>I see no point in parents refusing to give advice when needed, as long as the kids understand that they may be better off seeking advice from other sources as well (parents don’t know everything). In this instance, I wanted to get some information so I could give appropriate advice if asked – especially by my son, who has a chronic health problem and will need to find a doctor and make an appointment almost immediately after starting his new job.</p>
<p>Once again, we have divided into the “let the kids grow up and do it for themselves” camp, and the “if I can help them out, why not” camp. I’ll explain one of the reasons I am in the second camp (my reason may not apply to the OP or anyone else here).</p>
<p>My child knows that I am a relentless organizer. This is apparent in all aspects of my life, not just about him. He and my husband are used to it, and when they want to ignore my suggestions, they know they are free to do so, and they most definitely do. I scrupulously avoid infringing on my son’s independence, privacy, etc. However, my obsessive planning and organization have resulted in great benefits to my family on many, many occasions, and they are well aware of it. It’s a quirk of my personality, and in general I am a relaxed, easygoing person, not overbearing.</p>
<p>For people like me, it is not so much trying to run our kids’ lives, it is our desire to plan and organize everything we see. I could see myself trying to figure out how to work in a visit to the dentist and the doctor for my kid. He might take my advice or not, and if I apologize for my obsessiveness, he just says, “It’s ok, mom.”</p>