To Ye Of Little Or No Faith

Applying to College
1

read this: (first paragraph of my essay about my wrist)
Nothing has ever hurt as much as having two trauma surgeons force my dislocated wrist through my ligaments back into its socket. I remember groaning after seeing how big the needle they were going to stick into me was. It had about the same dimensions as a can of red bull with a straw in it. I buried my face into the hospital bed as the two doctors carefully applied numbing agents to my arm to prepare it for the numbing shot, which in turn would prepare my arm for the huge red bull shot. “Why did I have to get hurt?” I kept thinking to myself all the while knowing entirely regrets would do nothing to help me.

ohhhh what now??

2

<p>Ok, I admit this is working for me, except maybe for the redbull line. I suggest you take a look at the universal essay advice thread. These link should be especially helpfull:
<a href=“http://www.carleton.edu/admissions/essay/index.html[/url]”>http://www.carleton.edu/admissions/essay/index.html&lt;/a&gt;
<a href=“http://www.virginia.edu/undergradad...ingtheessay.doc[/url]”>http://www.virginia.edu/undergradad...ingtheessay.doc&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

3

<p>the redbull comparison is a taste of my supposedly “unique” sense of humor. My friends say I am delightfully dark and twisted.</p>

4

<p>'preciate the feedback though.</p>

<p>JAINA05 is teh 1337</p>

5

<p>If you’re trying to set-up how terrifying this experience was for you, include more imagery and your personal reaction to this. “I groaned” isn’t very moving. And some parts are needlessly repetetive: “applied numbing agents to my arm to prepare it for the numbing shot”</p>

6

<p>um…thanks I guess (1337?) </p>

<p>I get the red bull thing now. Maybe I’m just slow (it is almost midnight…) Maybe try and make it more clear? Say needle or syringe (that word makes me cringe) instead of “it”.</p>

7

<p>not trying to make it terrifying. Just describing the different details that made up the experience. I guess I could vary up the words with the “numbing” but I was trying to say, that the shot was so damn big that they had to first wipe on stuff, then give me a shot to prepare me for the huge red bull mother of all shots.</p>