too aggressive for a cover letter? share your thoughts!

[galoisien]

<p>Overkill? Is the boasting convincing or is it a turnoff? Should it have been shorter? I just sent it in. Do you think I can beat out all the older people potentially applying for the same position, especially with more direct experience? (Job is for a data-entry/web-collaboration position at an alcoholic beverage company.) </p>

<p>

I believe you will find me a strong candidate for the temporary administrative assistant position recently advertised online by J.W. Sieg Wines. Please find attached my resume. Like Terence Sieg, I am also a Hoo!</p>

<p>Although I am a rising second-year I have already completed 81 credits of coursework, with an especial emphasis on the physical and natural sciences. Advanced Placement (AP) and UVA coursework have given me skills in data collection, entry, analysis and presenting/reporting. I have particular experience with spreadsheets, statistical analysis, data modeling and extrapolation, including nonlinear models, and I am also proficient with data vectors, arrays and matrices and data-based linear algebra. I would be eager to learn more from your company. As a testament to my AP coursework, I am a 2008 AP National Scholar, one of the highest distinctions of the AP program and received only by 11,686 students out of 1,580,821 advanced credit examinees last year. UNIX/Linux is one of my passions and I have been editing and managing code since the age of 13. As such, I would be especially well-suited to working with your web and database developers. I have also been a volunteer administrator for the English Wikipedia project, appointed by the community, since the age of 16. This has given me a long history of monitoring, vetting and researching data, especially in an online environment and as part of a collaborative, consensus-driven effort.</p>

<p>My other summer work includes a volunteer undergraduate assistant position at the Taylor Evolutionary Biology Laboratory. The work requires discipline, large amounts of repetition, a sharp eye to detail: often I pipette thousandths of a milliliter’s worth of biochemicals into hundreds of tiny wells with careful precision, ensuring there is no cross-contamination. However the laboratory also requires the ability to see our work with a larger perspective. Though the work involves genetics, including primers, buffers, fluorescent markers, lysing agents and fragile DNA, I believe the traits required for such work translate excellently to an administrative assistant position. The hours at this laboratory are flexible and I will ensure there will be no clashes.</p>

<p>If you hire me, there is little reason why I would not excel at J.W. Sieg. A student of neuroscience and “800 series” chemistry (an accelerated program of distinction at UVA), I see both science and art in the product line of J.W. Sieg. I would even be enthusiastic to exceed the duties of administrative assistant, if allowed. I am particularly interested in the biochemistry and horticulture involved in wine and beer production – from the field to the cellar – and would be an able student in all that J.W. Sieg would teach me. If you are interested, please do not hesitate to contact me by phone or by email.

</p>

[nysmile]

<p>Administrative assistant=office worker/helper. You’ll probably answer phones, take messages, file, type. I don’t think this employer will care one bit about your pipetting, working in a lab, chemistry interest, etc. </p>

<p>Most likely, this employer is looking for office skills and experience as well as communication skills. As an employer and business owner, I would honestly be a bit turned off by this cover letter. It’s kind of filled up with your own “pat on the back” opinions about your intellect.</p>

[galoisien]

<p>Well not according to the job description. </p>

<p>I can’t imagine any data entry job being more intensive than trying to input thousands of variables in a 9-hour atmospheric physics lab assignment, complete with nonlinear mathematical modeling, and then being annoyed when most of your check variables have an unacceptable margin of error only to find that it’s all due to that one syntax issue in a formula entered in cell G37.</p>

<p>Actually based on the job description and how it involved collaboration with a web developer, I’m sure some coding experience does well too.</p>

<p>My essential question I suppose is what is the best way of turning student credentials into office credentials?</p>

[lookingaround]

<p>What is the job description then?</p>

<p>You could be the most amazing scientist in the world and still not know how to answer a business call correctly. For an administrative assistant position, especially temporary, they are looking for more office work. Rather then your school experience, they value job experience a lot more. So instead focusing on how many credits you have, focus on your job related and communication skills. And take out the “I’m a Hoo” sentence. Makes you sound a little desperate.</p>

[galoisien]

<p>“The position will involve working with our website developer and data entry.”</p>

<p>I do think being a volunteer administrator for one of the world’s largest knowledge projects counts for something in terms of ability to do administrative work, but hey…</p>

[hj0519]

<p>Honestly I really don’t think they’ll care that you’re an AP National Scholar…you’re not in high school anymore, nobody cares about what you got on your AP tests. They care about your job related skills.</p>

<p>And I agree with lookingaround…you sound kind of like a tool with the “I’m a Hoo!” sentence IMO.</p>

[galoisien]

<p>Okay thx for the critique guys … this is for a job in the same town as my school, if it makes any difference.</p>

[Alix2012]

<p>It’s a bit wordy; try to rewrite it so it’s more clear, concise, to the point. Convey that you’re intelligent, diligent, passionate and skilled without too much fluff like AP scores and such. I chopped it down to this after a quick read, if I were you I’d re-read and tweak it a little. Good luck with getting the job btw.

I believe you will find me a strong candidate for the temporary administrative assistant position recently advertised online by J.W. Sieg Wines. Please find attached my resume. </p>

<p>I am a rising second-year who has already completed 81 credits of coursework, as a neuroscience major in an accelerated program. I have experience with data collection, reporting, spreadsheets, statistical analysis, data modeling and extrapolation, including nonlinear models, and I am also proficient with data vectors, arrays and matrices and data-based linear algebra. UNIX/Linux is one of my passions and I have been editing and managing code since the age of 13. As such, I would be especially well-suited to working with your web and database developers. I was also appointed by the community as a volunteer administrator for the English Wikipedia project at age 16. I have a long history of monitoring, vetting and researching data, especially in an online environment as part of a collaborative, consensus-driven effort.</p>

<p>I am also a volunteer assistant at the Taylor Evolutionary Biology Laboratory. The work requires discipline, large amounts of repetition, and a sharp eye for detail, although the ability to see my work with a larger perspective is also important. The hours at this laboratory are flexible and I will ensure there will be no clashes.</p>

<p>If you hire me, there is little reason why I would not excel at J.W. Sieg. I would even be enthusiastic to exceed the duties of administrative assistant, if allowed. I am particularly interested in the biochemistry and horticulture involved in wine and beer production – from the field to the cellar – and would be an able student in all that J.W. Sieg would teach me. If you are interested, please do not hesitate to contact me by phone or by email.

</p>

[galoisien]

<p>Woohoo, I just got a callback…</p>

[soccerguy315]

<p>I would say it is solid… but in the future I would leave out your AP stuff. If you want to include it on your resume under your college info, that would probably be ok.</p>

[kelliebm]

<p>Why did you post it asking for critiques AFTER you already sent it in?</p>

[Another_Adam]

<p>Needs more 50 year old men.</p>

[galoisien]

<p>

Why did you post it asking for critiques AFTER you already sent it in?

</p>

<p>Because it was time-sensitive but I had questions while writing it?</p>

[welshy]

<p>This kid sounds like a complete tool.</p>

[galoisien]

<p>Well I don’t know how else I would compete with people in their 20s with direct work experience. I figured plugging other ways in which my past work experience would help me was relevant.</p>

[Northstarmom]

<p>I’ve had to help select employees – including interns – for a Fortune 500 company, and your letter was a good one. You did an excellent job doing the most important thing that a cover letter needs to do: Describe how your skills and experiences would be of benefit to the company in the position you’re applying for.</p>

<p>You’ll get more informed feedback on issues like this in Parents Forum.</p>