<p>I am answering the “person who inspired you” question.
Basically, I’m tying my turnaround from an overweight C student to an A+ student and fitness model into it. The person I’ll be talking about is Cato Minor, a Roman stoic, military official and statesman; I’ll be writing about his stoic philosophy and unwavering belief in the importance of integrity, self-discipline and virtue. This topic really means a lot to me as I’ve changed from a below-average person in many regards to become an outstanding person in these and others through hard discipline and belief in personal integrity. My concern, though, is that I may come across as pretentious; that the reality of my situation is not seen and I am marked phony… what are your views on this?</p>
<p>The best way, I think, is to use a serious tone and be very introspective about it. I don’t know if you really want to include the fitness model aspect–I would leave it out. Maybe you could say that he inspired you to lose weight. </p>
<p>Example:</p>
<p>Rather than “Cato Minor’s stoic philosophy and unwavering belief in the importance of integrity, self-discipline, and virtue inspired me to attain those qualities. I worked hard, studied more often, paid attention to class, went running, and it paid off. I went from a C to an A student, and became fit.”</p>
<p>Reading that makes me want to just destroy the essay and throw it away.
I mean, that’s such a shallow analysis. I think colleges care that you’ve examined your life more than that. If you can’t be more introspective, reflective, and analytical than that, your essay won’t be very personal. Neither was that sentence.</p>
<p>Rather than that sentence, a more introspective one would be:</p>
<p>“In history class, we read about Cato the Minor, who was a Roman stoic and military official. His own philosophy, which advocated __<strong><em>, _</em></strong>,a nd ____ opposed my own personal view towards my life, which revolved more about getting by. As I read Cato’s writings, I learned that I did not fit his beliefs of the importance of integrity, self-discipline, and virtue. In my old belief at that time, I did not regard self-discipline as very important, because ______. …”</p>
<p>I mean, that’s not great, but it does show deeper analysis of yourself, which is what they’re looking for.</p>
<p>Just don’t say something like “I became an outstanding person.” I mean, come on. You could argue that you became a better person (but why did you become a better person. Why were you unhappy with yourself before? What about you now makes you better? What about the extra weight were you upset about, and why do you think that Cato’s view of the ideal human is correct? What made you regard him as correct?–this is the analysis and introspection that’s important to discuss), but to say that you are outstanding is kind of pretentious. But saying that you’re better isn’t.</p>
<p>And if you’re honest with yourself and with your reader, and write naturally and be introspective and reflective and more deeply personal, I don’t think it’ll come out as sounding phony.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Show, don’t Tell.</p></li>
<li><p>Make sure that the essay is about you and not about Cato Minor. The more you talk about Cato Minor, the less you are accomplishing your objective.</p></li>
</ol>