<p>I am a woman whose mother passed at age 59. Dad remarried to a woman who I am fond of and we welcomed them into our lives. Throughout the years I have treated her as my mom. After dad died I was actually told that I would not be welcome at a financial meeting that stepmom and her two biological children were attending. I let it go. Stepmom visited her daughter who lives 2 hours from me (I live in the tristate area and stepmom lives in Florida) and returned to Florida a day before I was having major surgery. Again, I said nothing as stepmom always said she was afraid to fly alone and her son flew with her that visit. </p>
<p>This past summer stepmom came to visit the tristate area and stayed with us for a week. We all welcomed her and made sure she had a good time. She went on to visit her daughter the week later.</p>
<p>Recently stepmom came to visit her daughter for a “quick visit” and when I was on the phone with her she let slip that she was all alone in her daughters house the first day she arrived. I mentioned how I would have come to take her out to lunch and she replied “we didn’t know that her daughter could not have the day off from work until the last minute.”</p>
<p>I have come to feel like I AM NOT HER “REAL” DAUGHTER and it hurts because all the years that my dad was alive we treated her as a mother and grandmother.</p>
<p>I am torn as to whether or not to visit her for the next couple of days. Her son who lives in Florida is going away and I would go to keep her company. Am I being foolish to put myself out, and spend the money and effort in a situation that is not two sided?</p>
<p>If you WANT to spend time with her, do so. If you feel obligated only, don’t. You have no such obligation.</p>
<p>I think that you probably need to realize that indeed you are not her child. She isn’t your mother. Remember that step parents are often counseled to remember that the kids already have a mother, and it isn’t them. </p>
<p>That doesn’t mean that you cannot continue to have a close relationship. It just may not be precisely what you wanted to think it was.</p>
<p>You’re not her daughter. Even though the two of you have built a relationship, it’s not the same as the relationship she has with her own children. That doesn’t mean it can’t be a good relationship. It’s just different.</p>
<p>Some people don’t build relationships with stepparents at all. My husband’s had a stepmother, but the two of them never built a relationship. After my husband’s father died, they never had any contact again. My husband doesn’t regret it, and I suspect that his stepmother doesn’t, either.</p>
<p>I’m sorry you’re in this position. I also have a step-mother who I have come to love. After my father passed away, it became very clear that her stepchildren would be treated differently and I’m okay with it. I have a sister who isn’t and is hurt deeply each time she sees an inequity (and they are often and involve her children). </p>
<p>I would suggest that you really think about where and how you want this person in your life…if you can accept that she doesn’t see you as you had hoped (or thought) and you are okay with it, go ahead and pursue the kind of relationship that you’d like to have with her (i.e. go see her). If you think you’ll be hurt each time you see her treating her natural born children in a closer, kinder way that the way she treats you, I’d suggest you back off and, well, take care of YOU.</p>
<p>Wow. Thanks so much for these responses. This is a tough one because I truly thought that she considered me her “daughter” all the years that my dad was alive. I am not sure how to process this…if I go and visit I am afraid that I will feel as though I am investing much more emotionally and giving much more in this relationship. If I do not go, I fear that our relationship, whatever we do have, will dwindle.</p>
<p>Well, you could talk to her about it. Or write her a letter. Something in a loving tone, I hope, showing the true affection on your side you seem to feel, and letting her know that you have felt hurt and possibly unappreciated by some of her action since your dad’s death. I guess that has the possibility of bringing you closer or exposing/increasing the rift you feel is there now.</p>
<p>I’m kind of confused on the numbers, here. Would it be correct to assume that she didn’t come into your life until you were in your thirties? So in that case, obviously, she did not raise you…there is no way she would have the same feelings for you as her children. That is a completely different bond that cannot ever be matched with another person.</p>
<p>That said, it doesn’t mean that your relationship is unimportant to her, it is just different. You shouldn’t expect her to treat you as one of her children. You both met as adults. It sounds like you love each other a great deal, so why not consider her more of a friend, than a mother? And if you feel unappreciated as a friend, express it to her, but don’t expect her to treat you as her child. If you want to go visit her, do it because you want to, not because of obligation. I think if you think of her more as a close friend that you love, than a mother, it will make more sense to you. If I got the numbers wrong and she raised you, then that would be a different story.</p>
<p>questbest, my dad married my stepmother when he was 59 and my siblings and I were young adults. They are both very old now (92 and 90) and not totally coherent, but I know that after their marriage each of them felt responsible for his/her own children in a way that was stronger than for each other’s children. </p>
<p>Your stepmother knows her children much longer and in a very different way than she knows you. They have a much deeper (and probably complicated) history, the children having grown up with her as their parent. I think the lines may have been blurred when your dad was alive. But now that your dad is gone, she has a different adjustment to make. </p>
<p>I would think about whether you are willing to remake your relationship with your stepmother. If you decide to try to do so, be very careful not to criticize her children. Her loss was very different from yours when your dad died, and maybe she turned to her children because her relationship with them predates (to say the least!) her relationship with you.</p>
<p>Good luck with this! I am sure that the change in your relationship with your stepmother was a disappointment to you and that’s hard, on top of losing your dad.</p>
<p>Just another idea and something someone in a 2nd marriage said to me. How do your step mothers children feel about you. My friend thought she had a good relationship with her stepdaughter but she was jealous of the relationship her dad had with my friends children. My friend has young grandchildren and her H of course thinks of those grandchildren as his own. His D does not like that relationship and does not want the blended family to get together. </p>
<p>Another thing is that to your stepmother you remind her of her husband and that is painful. </p>
<p>Or she could be like my mother and full of insecurities and self doubt. My mom will sometimes go out of her way not to visit people (who I know want to see her) because she doesn’t want to be a bother. She’s crazy that way. My mom will invent things that just do not exist and make up stories that are not true. And distances herself from people. If anyone would mention that she might be a bother or doesn’t want a relationship, forget it. Of course if you don’t go out of her way, she will be so upset with you. And hold a grudge. Sigh!</p>
<p>Guess I said more than I want in my complicated relationship with my mother.</p>
<p>Parents can be crazy, can’t they? I wonder if our kids will say that too.</p>
<p>My grandfather remarried when my mother was already a married woman, to a woman not much older than her. This was over fifty years ago. My grandfather died about ten years ago. At the suggestion of a motherly relationship, my mother would laugh loudly and say, “But I was already an adult, a married woman? How could she have been like a mother to me?” They are friendly, and since my grandmother has dementia and is in assisted living, my mother is the ONLY one in the family who takes care of her. It takes her a lot of time, she gets little gratitude, and knows full well if the situation was reversed, Grandma would not take care of her.</p>
So? It doesn’t need to be “even”. You’ve felt close to her for many years. You have something significant in common in that you both loved your father and can share memories of him. You enjoy her company and she enjoys yours enough to maintain a relationship and see you periodically. Can’t that be enough to sustain a visit? Personally, I can’t imagine that I could have a relationship with someone I met as an adult that would come anywhere near the relationship I have with the children I gave birth to and raised–could you? I think if you lower your expectations you can maintain a valuable connection with this woman.</p>
<p>I guess what It comes down to is you are not her daughter, and must stop comparing what and how she acts towards her birth children to how she treats you…just enjoy the relationship and accept it for what it is.</p>