I’m not a fan of this set-up. Your sister’s “motivational” techniques shouldn’t be interfering with your son’s self-esteem. This is a stressful process enough without a trip like this.
Hey younger grandson, work harder so you have a chance at beautiful Princeton! Oh, other grandson, yeah, it’s too late for you though.
A bright 10th grader is not going to miss the message…
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Since there is a very unlikely chance that middle schooler is getting into an ivy (because no one has a good chance), I’d feel sorry for him if this was a carrot bring dangled (he could work as hard as possible and still never have a chance). For kids who aren’t at least a sophomore, any college visits should be an opportunity to see a college campus, not to develop a game plan.
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I’ll start by saying that it is often hard to see all the schools you’re interested in. There are only so many breaks and so many times when sports aren’t in session, etc. And lots of kids burn out on this, even when they start with enthusiasm.
It’s fine, and maybe even wise, to check out schools that may not seem to fit into your parameters (rural vs urban, big vs small) just to confirm your preferences. Seeing a school that will never be an option, however, can be a waste of (limited and valuable) time.
Your situation is more nuanced. It really depends on how the visit to the unreachable school is framed. It should be clear that your son is going to accommodate the wishes of others and that he should think of it as a sightseeing trip. You know your kid so can front-run concerns about what messages he might get. Many of the super-endowed schools are also quite lavish, and if you’re concerned about comparisons, it’s not a bad time to talk with your son about what will matter most to him in his own college experience.
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S23 and I toured a couple of financially “out of reach” schools. (Stanford and Reed; of course Stanford may also have been an academic “out of reach,” but this wasn’t relevant anyway, because we had already eliminated it due to price.)
We agreed before the visits that he wouldn’t be applying because the schools weren’t in our budget, and we were just visiting to learn about different schools. It happened to be convenient to visit each one, and we had productive conversations about what he liked and didn’t like.
In retrospect I actually think it was good that we visited these schools. We didn’t have a whole lot of easily accessible schools to visit, so it was good to simply get more school visits to add to his mental model of what college could be like. But also, visiting these schools helped him to have a realistic picture of each of them, so that he didn’t build up an overinflated idea in his mind of how fabulous each one might be, compared to academically and financially “within reach” schools.
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This is 100% the message. Not from my dad, but from my sister. She literally expressed concern that her kid might get the mistaken idea that the school is “an option”, so she wants to make it clear what kind of schools he should be focused on.
All three kids have been on plenty of college campuses. Right now both my kids are in EC’s that practice on college campuses. Plus they’ve visited older cousins and walked around their parents’ schools when we’ve visited an area and attended sporting events. It’s just the tours that I think should wait.
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Your son is the one looking at college options…not the middle school kid. I think the colleges visited should focus on the HS student not the middle school one.
I would decline the trip if this can’t be done.
MS parent sounds…pushy.
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I’m sorry that you’re in this situation, @Sportsball ! I would consider the fact that college tours can be long and not that interesting for a middle schooler. If the info session is included, there could be a lot of sitting also. Maybe you could explain to your dad that two college tours back-to-back would not be ideal for the younger kids. At that age, my kids would have far rather done just about anything than sit still for a discussion of curriculum requirements or meal plan options 
. Maybe you could suggest some activities they would enjoy more.
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Back in the pre-Google maps days, we were driving down I91 in CT coming back from a New England ski trip, we were approaching New Haven when there was a huge back-up. My six year old was in the backseat napping next to his mother. He woke up when the car slowed down and we pulled off the highway. As I was making my way from the I91 exit to find the way to I95 south, we ended up driving through the Yale campus. My son was enthralled with the architecture and asked if we could stop and walk around. After an hour, we finally cajoled him back into the car by telling him he could apply to Yale when he was older, but he’d need to really work hard on his studies.
Fast forward about 12 years to his enrollment at Yale.
End long winded explanation of why I see no problem with middle school or earlier college visits.
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I’m feeling a bit sorry for her kid right now. 
I too have a challenging sister…and long ago decided it was best to make my own decisions for my own kids. Sounds like she is trying to control much more than what should be a fun outing with your father. Good luck!
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Lol, there was not a college campus that my parents did not stop by on our summer vacation drives.
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I feel like driving through, or wandering around, or attending a concert or sporting event at a school are all really different from taking an admissions tour.
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Of course. Maybe a compromise would be to only do admissions tours that your high schooler is interested in and just do walk arounds at others. There could be things your high schooler may like/dislike on all the visits which helps him figure out “fit” for him especially things like urban vs suburban vs rural; large vs small; integrated or spread out campus.
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I think it depends on the reason for looking at the school. Selectivity aside, looking at Boston University gives you a sense of a certain KIND of school. So does Colgate or UMich. I mean, if I were in Columbus OH with a high school kid I’d probably swing by Ohio State. “Here’s what a great big college in a city is like.” I mean it’s not the SAME as Pitt or Wisconsin. But it’s a decent proxy and it’d let them know whether they might want to look into more of those.
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Since kids were in school, we toured colleges and universities, when it was near our destinations. places where their swim meets, summer camps, debate tournaments, band auditions and events were hosted, mostly in state and around, and we tried to do it when we traveled. Not all of those schools ended up on their lists for my kids, but it was just cool to see Flagler College dining room or library, and Emory University Carlos Museum.
If your father offers this experience to his grandkids - why not visit? Do you discuss potential college list with your kid yet? Your and your kid’s criteria? Just be transparent about things - academic, financial and other types of fit. Also, you mentioned music. For music majors - audition would be a huge part of the application process and can override some (not all) of the academic considerations. The point is to see and experience things during visits, and compare. Chances are - there will be schools on the list, not all the cousins will be thrilled to visit. You are lucky your family members can do it together, don’t overthink it!
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I am that parent, it is so much fun!
Excellent analogy. 100% agree!!
The interests of the kid who is closest to starting the college process are the priority, his interests should be primary. The others will have plenty of time to explore their own options. If they are only going to visit one school, it should be one on your S26’s list.
Regardless, your nephew shouldn’t be doing any more than getting a vibe for what campuses look and feel like. You can’t do much about his mom pressuring him about reachy schools so early, but you can and should defend your kid’s interests.
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OP said her dad was going to take them to one school only. The options are the one on the high school sophomore’s list, or the T20 the middle schooler’s mom wants her kid to aspire to.
Not exactly. The trip is to see something specific in an area that’s about 6 hours from where we all live. They plan to make a little vacation of it, and stay a few extra days to do other things in the area.
About half an hour from the destination is a college that is possibly going to be high on my kid’s list, so they planned to add a tour there. Now, sister is saying it’s not fair that my kid “gets” a tour and hers doesn’t, and so she wants to add a second tour for her kid. But it would be in addition to, not instead of. My dad wouldn’t take the tour away from my kid.
We live in an area with a ton of colleges, and we have other road trips planned this summer. So, we don’t need this trip to sort out the whole big/small, urban/rural, etc . . . thing. He thinks he knows what he wants, but we can test that by looking at local schools, or schools in other areas where we’ll already be.
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Yeesh. Do you think your dad would be amenable to saying something along the lines of “when your son is in high school we can do a college trip for him too”?
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