This doesn’t sound fun for OP’s son at all.
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Can your dad drop your son there for the day (morning ? Afternoon?) to tour on his own and do something else with the middle schooler? Or take the middle school kid on the other college tour while your son is at the one of interest to him?
Will your sister be on the vacation too or is it only your dad and the two kids?
Lots to unpack about why a middle schooler “has to” get their visit also, but I digress. You know your son best, but in our tours of D24s list her favorite campus was the least “prestigious”, and the school with the highest rank we didn’t stay long…she said it felt like a middle school field trip to colonial times 
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It’s my Dad and 3 kids, my high schooler, my middle schooler and my nephew. My middle schooler isn’t getting his own tour either. I’m not worried he will get cooties from the schools his brother is looking at.
They will probably split up at some point, I know my kid would like his grandfather on the tour though to have someone to talk to after and share thoughts.
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When I read about your sister’s comments:
First reaction:
Second reaction:
Third reaction (for you and your son):
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I’m wondering if we are talking two different things.
We also walked around a lot of college campuses even when our kids were younger.
We did NOT make anyone younger than HS sit through an info session or go on a formal tour.
@Sportsball is this other parent expecting info sessions and tours at schools that are reach schools for your child? If so, is there any way to appeal to your dad to take your kid to colleges of interest, and IF the MS cousin wants to tag along fine. But this is about the HS student, not the MS one…in my opinion.
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She wants a tour. They are already planning on going to the other college to watch a game in the sport my nephew plays. I am sure they will wander around the campus. All of that is fine. I think the tour is a ridiculous idea, and the way it is being presented is offensive to my kid.
I don’t think it’s a reach for my kid. I think of a reach as a school where you have a shot, a small chance of being admitted.
A reach is a school where even top kids get denied admission. A target is where a student has a shot, but it’s not certain. My opinion. @Mwfan1921 can tell me if I’m wrong or right.
Still…I wonder if your kids could be allowed to do something else while MS cousin does a tour of a college for which your kid has no interest.
When my kid worked in undergrad admissions, they didn’t allow MS students to be on official tours. They had too much demand and not enough space. They needed to accommodate HS students. This was MS students only. It sounds like this relative is using your HS son so the MS cousin can have what that parent wants.
I don’t understand your sister’s thought process at all… ! The middle schooler cousin needs their “own” tour? What does that even mean? 
It sounds odd enough that I can’t help but think that there must be some other motivation lurking around beneath the surface… is your sister trying to make up for perceived unfairness at another generational level (like, did she not get to go on a tour when she was in HS)?
Sometimes when my sister makes comments about my kids, I realize that there’s a subtext coming from my relationship with her. (That she might have resentment about something that happened in childhood, etc.)
Good luck navigating all of this!
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OP- your kid can get ice cream in the student union and listen to music in the lounge while his cousin takes the tour. He can wander down the shopping drag and browse in a vintage record or clothing store. College towns have myriad ways to spend a pleasant hour.
I honestly wouldn’t worry about it. Life is filled with “out of reach” experiences- I’ tried on evening gowns at Neiman Marcus before my kids wedding- happily wore the dress I ended up buying at Nordstrom Rack (with a "25% off " deal) and was no worse for the experience. Your son will find a way to entertain himself if he doesn’t want the boredom of the tour, or he’ll take the tour and tell himself, “yup, blue light security system” and “study abroad” and “libraries” just like every other college in America…
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In my mind, a reach is a school where your odds are less than 10% but not zero.
So, if a kid has a 4.0 UW lots of rigor, high scores impressive EC’s, then Harvard is a reach, my state flagship is a target, and the school my kid is touring is a safety.
But for my kid, with lower grades and scores and a lot less rigor, the flagship is a reach, the school they are touring is a target, safety will be somewhere else. And Harvard or the school my sister wants? Not a reach, because his chances are zero.
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I honestly feel your dad needs to have this conversation…and say that this trip is about THIS HS student and colleges. Maybe he can offer a second trip when the timing is right for the MS cousin. MS cousin is welcome to come, but college tour selections will be up to the HS student.
Would your dad do that?
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But exactly what are you concerned about?
Your kid is touring a school which he can’t get accepted to. Fine. What’s the risk- that he’ll realize that kids with higher scores and grades have different options than he has? Trust me, he knows that already. You can’t be concerned that he’ll resent his cousin… the kid is too young to be worried about college anyway. Are you worried that he’ll be aggravated at Grandpa for wasting their vacation time? That’s why I suggested having him wander around on his own with a designated meet up place. College towns are fun- having nothing to do with whether or not they are “realistic” or not. He can buy himself a smoothie and relax at a yogurt store for an hour.
Really- what’s the risk and what are you worried about here? Tell your dad to give him 10 bucks to disappear for an hour. problem solved.
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I think what bothers me is how it’s being messaged. My sister is very competitive about her kids, and it feels like she wants to make a point about how her kid is better than mine. I want this to be an exciting moment for my kid. We’re in an area that is kind of a pressure cooker for kids, and I want my kid to see that there are great options for kids like him, and to be excited, and the messaging that my sister is giving is counter to that.
I also feel bad for my nephew, because I think the whole thing is toxic.
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Has the messaging just been amongst the adults (i.e. your sister, you, and your dad)? Or have the kids been brought into the messaging that the school your kid is looking into isn’t good enough and so they need to add the sister’s choice of school, too?
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I agree with you, I think I would have your dad skip college tours altogether on this trip. It’s beyond silly for middle schoolers to spend the time on college tours (a quick drive through or walk around might be different) and given the dynamics you describe could be discouraging for everyone. Your kid is in 10th grade, plenty of time to do college tours without his cousin and your sister’s opinions weighing in.
The best way to counteract pernicious messaging (IMHO) is to confront it head-on which you are probably doing already.
“Hi Joe, I know cousin Ryan is super excited to be looking at University of Ridiculous Expectations and is tagging along for your tour of University of Sanity and Reality. Just wanted to remind you that we respect you and are so proud of the young man you have become. And our goal is to help you find a college where you’re going to grow and thrive. So feel free to tell grandpa you’ll spend the touring time going off on your own to have lunch and wander around. You shouldn’t feel any pressure to sit through the info session or take a tour if you aren’t interested. Like you’re seeing at your school- people have all sorts of crazy ideas about what success looks like and get so anxious if they aren’t conforming to someone else’s idea. We’re so proud of you just the way you are”.
If he’s in a pressure cooker environment, ignoring the “chatter” about prestigious schools vs. less prestigious isn’t going to work. You can’t pretend he isn’t hearing voices like his aunt’s!!!
Just remind him that you are so excited for him and will do whatever you can to help him achieve HIS goals, not someone else’s. And also you know that his little cousin is going to be super annoying and it’s ok to feel that…
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My nephew has definitely been told very clearly, and he and my kids talk.’ My kids have heard similar messaging in other situations from their aunt.
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Hey, I had an Aunt growing up whose favorite expression to the nieces was “It’s just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor man”.
Not a single one of us took her advice; not a single one of us gave a $$%^*() about her perspective on love, marriage, or dating. Or when she declared as each of us turned 22 “Be careful you don’t end up on the shelf”. (Apparently there’s a shelf where the women who haven’t found a rich man by age 21/22 end up sitting for the rest of their lives? The shelf wasn’t apparent for my sisters in doctorate programs, or in law school for the cousins, or anywhere else we all inhabited in our 20’s and for some, their 30’s)
I really wouldn’t overthink this.
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Just out of curiosity, is your nephew already showing indications that he is going to be a plausible candidate for these reachy reach schools? Most kids are not, and parents underestimate how small their own pond is.